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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want an explanation from friend re wedding invites

36 replies

nightwebs · 29/03/2012 20:10

Hi all, this is my first post so please be gentle with me! I will give some info on this firstly so please bear with me, it may be long :) I have a friend who is getting married in a couple of months time. We have been friends since teenagers although there were several years in our twenties when we lost contact. We got back in touch a few years ago although we didnt have that much contact until about two years ago when we had babies within a few months of each other and have been to playgroups etc together quite a few times.

As teenagers we were in a group of four friends, the other two whom I have remained in contact with all these years and consider them close friends. As with myself, these two friends lost touch with her also and have only in recent years picked up the friendship again. We all sometimes meet up for lunch etc in addition to the two of us going to these playgroups.

A while ago my friend informed me her wedding would be small with only close friends and family attending but i would be invited to the evening reception. I had no problem with this as I understand its her wedding and her choice what she does in terms of invites, especially as we arent close friends. However, she sent out her invites a few days ago and I have found out the other two friends have been invited to the whole day. I have been quite upset since finding this out as I was under the impression we were all going to the evening only and feel that it is a bit of a snub to myself. I cant think of why she would do this seeing as they are no more closer to this friend than I am and feel like I cant put it to rest emotionally until I ask her why and find out the reason. HOwever, I know that if I do ask her I may come across as 'that person' who isn't happy with a bride's decisions on her own wedding and I'm really not keen on being that person!

My husband doesnt seem very understanding, he doesnt like this friend because they worked together about ten years ago and from what he has told me she wasnt particularly nice to him when they were work colleagues so no good advice from him :(

OP posts:
NearlyMrsCustardsHardHat · 29/03/2012 20:12

Her day, her choice. You've said you are happy with whatever she decides so whats the big deal? You've said yourself you're not close and your husband and her have history and don't like each other...

I really don't get why so many people feel such a sense of entitlement where weddings are concerned.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 29/03/2012 20:12

Maybe she doesn't like your husband and doesn't want him there? Did the other friends DHs get invited?

cookcleanerchaufferetc · 29/03/2012 20:13

Your friend can choose who she wants, though I understand you are hurt. It could be a mistake but i dont think you can challenege her to provide an explanation. Perhaps because your DH and her don't get on she decided she didn't want him to be at the main event.

JustHecate · 29/03/2012 20:14

"he doesnt like this friend because they worked together about ten years ago and from what he has told me she wasnt particularly nice to him when they were work colleagues"

Well, I'm no expert, but don't you think that's your answer right there?

supernannyisace · 29/03/2012 20:14

All I can say is that I got married four years ago -so the planning stuff is quite fresh in my mind. Our venue only held x amount of people. So we had to restrict who could come. I had to pick certain friends over others - as we just didn't have the capacity for everyone. Even some family menmbers were 'only' invited tothe evening reception.
We may have upset some folk , but we wanted that venue, so had to limit who could attend.

I don't think you should speak to your friend about it. Or discuss it with the friends who are invited to the day 'do'.

Just accept in good grace - and go to the evening and enjoy.

Sarcalogos · 29/03/2012 20:14

There's your answer, she doesn't like your DH and doesn't want him at the day.

TBH someone I've been to school with and kept up a relationship with into adulthood, and it's recent, AND you did baby groups together. That's a close friend in my book, unless it's really down to circumstance and you actually don't like each other...

Alliwantisaroomsomewhere · 29/03/2012 20:15

I honestly do not think that you have any choice but to let it go. If you ask the bride to be about this situation, you will look desparate and needy.

YANBU to want and explanation, but YWBU to ask for one! (would be unreasonable)

EssentialFattyAcid · 29/03/2012 20:15

Ypu are making a big deal of something that shouldn't matter this much - stop stressing about it

PeppermintCreams · 29/03/2012 20:16

It could simply be because of her history with your husband. Don't worry about it.

undercoverPrincess · 29/03/2012 20:18

YANBU but just ignore and cross her off your Christmas card list, actually I would probably make and excuse (baby related the day before) and not go at all Grin

fedupofnamechanging · 29/03/2012 20:20

I think it's probably because she and your dh clashed at work.

Tbh though, I wouldn't want to be friends with someone, who was horrible to my dh. My loyalties would be with him (unless he was an arse, but am presuming he is not)

Hopandaskip · 29/03/2012 20:20

I had a friend who did this with another type of family celebration, only we weren't invited at all when we had previously been invited to other similar dos. TBH I am much less close with her now because of it. I figured it was her showing me where her priorities lay and so I focused on other friends more.

BackforGood · 29/03/2012 20:22

Like others have said - you've answered your own question. Why would someone invite a couple to their wedding when they don't get on with one of them ? Confused

CrapBag · 29/03/2012 20:23

YABU.

Why do people constantly have to question others wedding invites?! Iits because of this that caused a massive rift in my family.

A friend of mine is getting married this month. There is a large group of us who are good friends. Only 3 of us are going to the whole day, the rest are only in the evening even though they came on the hen weekend. No DHs as they just don't have the space.

I am not bothered that my best friend hasn't been invited to the whole day and I have, I am not bothered that my DH isn't invited because the bride and groom have large familes and numbers are very restricted.

It is THEIR day and no one elses. Get over it.

LimeLeafLizard · 29/03/2012 20:27

I understand why you're feeling a bit left out, and why you'd like an explanation, but I don't think you should ask for one. Just accept her decision, go to the evening party, and be graceful about it.

'Rise above it' as my Dad would say!

Yama · 29/03/2012 20:28

I agree with Karma.

Also, I am not a fan of the two-tiered wedding. It offends people (rightly or wrongly but why risk it?) .

So, YANBU.

fedupofnamechanging · 29/03/2012 20:28

Well, it is THEIR day, but at the same time, how they issue invitations, tells their guests quite a lot about how they personally, are viewed.

I can see why people get hurt at being invited to one part, but not the other. The bride and groom are very clearly labelling some people as more important to them than others and that does sting a bit.

CrapBag, you might not mind that your best friend hasn't been invited to the whole day - I wonder how she feels about it though.

Coconutty · 29/03/2012 20:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SoozyWoozy · 29/03/2012 20:29

Just a thought...

Do the other friends have children? If they don't maybe she is having a child-free wedding (other than her own DCs) and didn't want to cause offence by inviting you but not your DCs? Or was perhaps thinking you'd only be able to make it to the evening do if arranging all-day child care could be difficult? Or thought that you would understand that she couldn't have everyone she wanted there... hundreds of reasons.

Original poster
nightwebs · 29/03/2012 20:29

Thanks all for your replies. Re my husband, the place the two of them worked is actually where I met him although my friend had moved on by the time I joined the place. She was part of the 'in-crowd' there, some of whom werent especially nice as I found out, and my husband wasnt. They dont see each other often but when they do they are civil enough and talk to each other but my husband still isnt too keen on her!

As for the friends DH's, they have been invited but one is refusing to go becauase he doesnt like her. Not sure what I will do myself re the wedding but thank you all for taking the time to respond :)

OP posts:
Original poster
nightwebs · 29/03/2012 20:32

Soozy, all but one of the four of us have DCs and all the kids were invited, we were planning to stay overnight and book one of the family rooms she had reserved for guests

OP posts:
CrapBag · 29/03/2012 20:35

Hmmmm, it does sound like a deliberate snub then tbh if she has invited the others and their children.

I wouldn't ask her though. Ultimately the guest list is still up to them.

emsyj · 29/03/2012 20:37

Hmmm, I would be thinking if your DH doesn't like her and your friend's DH doesn't like her, it could be that they have a point...? In my experience, men aren't given to petty falling-out and 'ooooh she gave me evils' and cattiness, so if they dislike someone (rare for a man I think ) it's for a reason.

Willowisp · 29/03/2012 20:41

sorry to hear this - I think some of the replies could be softer & I think you are entitled to feel hurt by this 'friends' behaviour.

I wonder, as she has made friends with the old friends, via you, that she is trying to make a point about something..?

One thing is for sure, give yourself a shake & distance yourself from her. I'd be interested in whether the friends you've re-introduced her to will go...especially if they know you're not invited ?

Anyhow, go & don't bother with a wedding gift !

TidyDancer · 29/03/2012 20:41

I would probably be upset too, and if I was bothered enough, I might induce a conversation with her, whereby it's vaguely brought up that the other friends are invited to the whole thing, and see if she offers any explanation. If she didn't, I would drop it though.

As for whether I would go to the wedding in light of this, I don't know.