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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

single sex boarding schools+sexting - parental involvement= ticking timebomb

66 replies

waca · 29/03/2012 10:20

Have found very risque photos on my dd's phone of good friend's 15 y.o ds, and I mean risque: exposing himself with the message he doesn't get to meet females etc.

My dd is 13 and is at a mixed school and has very healthy friendships with normal flirting. We both like this boy and his family but I am shocked at what he's asking her to do.

This is awkward as they are very respectable neighbours. I feel this is unchartered waters, it is made worse by the fact he's dd's first love. Compared to the innocent banter of her admirers at her local school this is hard core. He goes to one of the top UK boarding schools, is very bright and I feel he is being warped by the lack of females present.

Social networking is supposed to be highly regulated at these schools but it clearly isn't.

Another friend said that she sent her dc to boarding school and I should do the same because they are too busy to even think about the opposite sex but the reality is you'll have no idea what your dc is up to. I don't think being blissfully ignorant is good parenting at all.

Not sure what to do now apart from tell her distributing/receiving nude under age photos constitutes child porn, would it be prosecuted as such if it fell into the wrong hands?

OP posts:

TheCraicDealer · 29/03/2012 10:45

I don't know how you should handle this, but I think your friend is deluding herself if she really believes her child is too busy to think about sex, boarding school or no

Sarcalogos · 29/03/2012 10:55

If it is too awkward to speak to your friend try and speak to the boys housemaster. Without a shadow of a doubt the housemater will have dealt with this before and will know how to handle it.

I imagine the boy will get seriously disciplined at school for this- particularly as your DD is 13- you're right inciting her to do this amounts to a criminal act.

To be fair to the school they cannot regulate the use of social networking on students personal phones using 3G. (although I'm sure it is regulated on school Internet, not much consolation for you!

The best thing you can do is educate your daughter and monitor her phone as much a you can- hard, minefield, but essential - good luck!

sashh · 30/03/2012 10:39

You need to do something, your daughter has "an indecent image of a child" on her phone, as you say, porn.

If she sends it on she is commiting another crime and the 15 yo has commited a crime by photographing and sending the image.

manicbmc · 30/03/2012 10:49

I wouldn't be so bothered about the image of the boy, I'd be more concerned about what might have been sent in return.

Merrylegs · 30/03/2012 10:51

How was it sent? Text message or via facebook? He could have been 'fraped' - teenage boys think it's hilarious to hack into their friend's accounts and post obescene message posing as them.

You have to tell your friend really. I would say 'this is very awkward but I need to show you this.'

Perhaps I might text the boy: 'your messages are offensive. Please stop or I will have to tell someone.'

Although you say there is 'innocent banter' from her 'admirers' at her school, if you could look at their facebook accounts and the messages they send each other I am sure you would be .

bigTillyMint · 30/03/2012 10:55

I would
a) tell the school the boy is at what has happened
b) tell the parents of the boy what has happened and that you have told the school so that they can deal with it. I would emphasise that we know that at this age they are learning about what is appropriate, and that you are not judging him or them at all, but that it is a serious matter which needs to be dealt with immediately before he gets himself into more trouble.
c) check with DD about what she has done/said to him/others

WilsonFrickett · 30/03/2012 11:56

I think you have to tell the parents and tbh I think the right thing to do is to tell the school, although it may have serious repercussions for him so I'm not sure if I would or not. But I would definitely tell the parents. I'd also try to work out what DD has sent in return, because unfortunately I think there will be some sort of reciprocity.

Original poster

waca · 30/03/2012 16:37

Thank you for your good advice. Rang the school' I asked what their policy was for social networking. They won't do anything unless I name and shame him but that could wreck his life. I blame the house parents for not supervising properly.

Parents pay thousands in school fees and think their children are being looked after properly, what a joke.

OP posts:

uruculager · 30/03/2012 16:55

What an odd post.

Do you think that people who go to day schools don't sext?

EdithWeston · 30/03/2012 17:10

Day school pupils certainly do sext, and the parents who are supposedly looking after them properly don't have a clue either.

The "innocent banter" that OP has spotted so far may well not be the whole story of what is going on; and can even mean more frequent sexters, better able to circumvent the rules they all should know by this age. OP: your DD was keeping the pictures - did you find out why. And do you check her phone records to see what she's forwarded? And what else she sends and recorded.

I think you are right to tackle this. Just be ready to discover more than you might wish about DD and her other friends too.

Original poster

waca · 30/03/2012 21:16

I know that this new generation think sexting is a joke. She has fobbed him off so far and probably because of that he isn't contacting at the moment. She hasn't even had a boyfriend yet. What pressure for a 13 year old.

OP posts:

exoticfruits · 30/03/2012 21:36

I don't know how you should handle this, but I think your friend is deluding herself if she really believes her child is too busy to think about sex, boarding school or no

I think they are probably far worse!
You do need to tackle it.

Coconutty · 30/03/2012 21:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFucker · 30/03/2012 21:42

Rather unsure about the fixation on boarding schools here

teenagers is teenagers

why do you keep banging on about paying thousands in school fees and housemasters ?

agenda-driven....fuck knows what agenda though

Coconutty · 30/03/2012 21:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

boredandrestless · 30/03/2012 21:46

This isn't a boarding school issue, its a generational issue.

As you actually know the boy's parents I would be talking to them no matter how awkward it was. 13 is a big difference to 15, as you say she hasn't even had a boyfriend yet!

Did she come straight to you with the message? If she did it's good that she feels she can come to you with any issues she's having.

YouBrokeMySmoulder · 30/03/2012 21:47

Yep agree anyfucker. Most odd.

Sarcalogos · 30/03/2012 23:51

Naming and shaming will not ruin his life. It will make it uncomfortable for him and he will learn a hard lesson. If he does the same thing in a few years and someone calls the police he could be made to sign the sex offenders register now THAT would ruin his life.

Stop blaming the houseparents. He is not in prison. He could have taken and sent a pic within 5 mins in a bathroom - how are they meant to prevent him exactly?

WorraLiberty · 31/03/2012 00:12

This is a very strange thread.

Apart from the fact the you've written the thread title like a line from a tabloid newspaper....

Your child has a picture on her phone of a 15yr old boy with his cock out and you're 'shocked at what he's asking her to do' (whatever that may be?)

And it's 'awkward as they are very respectable neighbours'??

Well no it's not awkward actually...it's quite simple.

Stop worrying about boarding schools, fees and other people's parental choices...and go and bang on their door with your DD's phone in your hand.

Show them the pic of their son exposing himself to a 13yr old and demand to know what the fuck they're going to do about it.

And while you're at it, take the phone away from your DD and tell her she can have it back when she's responsible enough to tell you the minute someone sends her an obscene photograph...instead of storing it because he's her 'first love' or for any other bloody reason.

Like I said...it's a very strange thread indeed

Bogeyface · 31/03/2012 00:36

Not all people that age do what he is doing. You wont ruin his life by gtting in touch with the school, he will.

How will you feel if he turns into an abusive man or a stalker or a rapist?e

WorraLiberty · 31/03/2012 00:48

No, not all of them do but I have to say it's considered pretty 'normal' by a lot of teenagers to send pics of their bits and pieces to one another.

Having said that, I don't think many 15yr olds would find it 'normal' (even by their standards) to send a 'cock pic' to a 13yr old.

The OP (if all this is true) needs to concentrate on speaking to both children involved here...and especially to the boy's parents.

She does however (and I do hate to say this) need to be prepared to realise there's also a possibility her DD may have sent some pics of herself in return.

When I was a teenager, anyone sending someone a photo of their genitals...be they male or female would have been viewed as pervy, weird and most definitely odd...I suspect because they would have had to take them with a camera and gone and got them printed (not that many places would print obscene photos)...then posted them to that person's address.

Sadly nowadays, that's not really the case with every teenager having a mobile phone...it's seen as more of a 'laugh' than an indication of a future abusive person, stalker or rapist.

Bogeyface · 31/03/2012 01:36

Fair point Worra

Still not right though.

ilikecandyandrunning · 31/03/2012 07:59

Just talk to his parents! Simple! That is all you news to do and find out if your dd sent anything back. Don't tell the school. Let his parents deal with it for now.

MigratingCoconuts · 31/03/2012 08:18

I'm really surprised that you feel awkard talking to his parents (your friends) but you are comfortable looking up the number of a top boarding school in the country that you otherwise have no contact with at all ..... and phoning them directly about it

I would have thought this is an issue for the parents first and foremost.

ShellyBoobs · 31/03/2012 08:29

Well no it's not awkward actually...it's quite simple.

Stop worrying about boarding schools, fees and other people's parental choices...and go and bang on their door with your DD's phone in your hand.

Show them the pic of their son exposing himself to a 13yr old and demand to know what the fuck they're going to do about it.

Exactly!

The fact is, he's sending obscene photos to your 13 y/o child and whatever happens to the boy after you've made your opinion very clear to his parents is not your problem!

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