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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

single sex boarding schools+sexting - parental involvement= ticking timebomb

66 replies

waca · 29/03/2012 10:20

Have found very risque photos on my dd's phone of good friend's 15 y.o ds, and I mean risque: exposing himself with the message he doesn't get to meet females etc.

My dd is 13 and is at a mixed school and has very healthy friendships with normal flirting. We both like this boy and his family but I am shocked at what he's asking her to do.

This is awkward as they are very respectable neighbours. I feel this is unchartered waters, it is made worse by the fact he's dd's first love. Compared to the innocent banter of her admirers at her local school this is hard core. He goes to one of the top UK boarding schools, is very bright and I feel he is being warped by the lack of females present.

Social networking is supposed to be highly regulated at these schools but it clearly isn't.

Another friend said that she sent her dc to boarding school and I should do the same because they are too busy to even think about the opposite sex but the reality is you'll have no idea what your dc is up to. I don't think being blissfully ignorant is good parenting at all.

Not sure what to do now apart from tell her distributing/receiving nude under age photos constitutes child porn, would it be prosecuted as such if it fell into the wrong hands?

OP posts:
TrollopDollop · 31/03/2012 08:51

I would go through dds phone to check what she has been doing and then have a chat with her to confirm what she has sent etc. I would then show his parents and assuming your daughter is innocent make it very clear this is unacceptable. I wouldn't involve the school as I think that is up to the parents. Would you do the same if he was at the local comp? Lastly I would text the boy back to let him know what he had done is totally inappropriate.

skybluepearl · 31/03/2012 08:55

A 15 year old sent a photo of his penis to a 13 year old? Completely unacceptable. Obscene.

I agree check the out box. What has she sent him?

What is the date and time on the image he sent her? If he was at school while the photo was taken, the school must be contacted - followed by the parents. If he was at home when the photo was taken, the parents need to be contacted.

I think you need to point out that she is under age and it's a very serious offence.

skybluepearl · 31/03/2012 08:58

Trollop - the boy was boarding at school when he sent the photo - means the school were loco-parentis and are responsible in the parents absence.

Coconutty · 31/03/2012 09:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
waca · 31/03/2012 13:06

Sorry, I can only access a computer for short periods of the day, can I say though that I am taking into consideration all your comments and observations The boy was at boarding school so normal parental control is absent isn't it? What's so weird about posting that? I monitor what my dc posts and we have a good relationship.

The parents would be horrified if they knew that the school isn't following their own protocol. How common is this? I know it hasn't happened to my dd before and I know this boy has sexted before as he told her he's done it
hundreds of times (sure it's exaggerated) but how many Mumsnetters check what their dc are really up to?

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 31/03/2012 13:12

How the hell do you think this is going to ruin his life? He'll get a bollocking (no pun intended) from the school if you tell them. He may get his phone confiscated for a while. What else can happen? No pudding?

I would tell the school - I certainly wouldn't show his parents a photo of him naked. Tell the school and tell them that you are relying on them not to have him blame your daughter for this.

Bogeyface · 31/03/2012 13:29

It comes down to the fact that unless it is made crystal clear to him now that this is unacceptable then he will keep doing and at some point, yes it may ruin his life.

Tell his parents and the school.

WilsonFrickett · 31/03/2012 15:01

You know the parents so tell the parents. If you didn't know them - i.e. if it was someone your DD had met through school and that was the only way of tracking him down - tell the school. The parents will thank you for it (eventually)

CupOfBrownJoy · 31/03/2012 17:48

what an odd OP.

Boarding school isn't the issue here is it? I'm sure there are many boys at his school who manage NOT to send naked pictures of themselves to children.

You have a chip on your shoulder, and that is preventing you from dealing with this in a rational manner.

You should be protecting your DD, not getting on your high horse about how much random neighbours pay for their child's education.

Have a raised eyebrow from me... Hmm

ariadne1 · 31/03/2012 17:56

What do you mean he's your DDs first love? Is he her boyfriend? If so what do you think teenage couples are going to be doing? Skipping through the woods holding hands?

CupOfBrownJoy · 31/03/2012 18:00

ariadne in my world "teenage couples" as you call them (and I would think of a teenage couple as 15 plus NOT 13) are certainly not sexting naked pictures to each other...! Shock

ImperialBlether · 31/03/2012 19:10

Cup, the thing is, you don't KNOW that, do you? I doubt many teenagers would tell their parents or other adults that they do that. I don't suppose they'd even tell their friends.

lurkerspeaks · 31/03/2012 20:31

I might be terribly suspicious but I suspect a lot of 13 year old text naked pictures and actually have sex....

This is why 13 years old get pregnant and/or need good contraceptive advice to be available even if they are away at or fraternise only with boys who attend top boarding schools.

He is only 15 this is between two minors and is much less serious (in my mind, not that that is worth much I'm sure) than a 25 year old texting explicit pictures to a schoolgirl or even an 18 year old.

I'm also confused about the "first love" comment - are they meant to be in a 'relationship'. In which case I would say this is fairly unremarkable.

CupOfBrownJoy · 31/03/2012 20:42

Hmm my world is obviously a bit more innocent than other peoples'!

AnyFucker · 31/03/2012 20:46

I really hope neither of my teenagers meets any of your teenagers, LS Hmm

I would say this occurence was very fucking remarkable

Original poster
waca · 01/04/2012 00:29

By first love I mean her first crush on a boy.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 01/04/2012 00:33

So what have you done about it?

Have you informed his parents?

Have you taken your DD's phone away until she can be trusted not to store naked photos of boys on it?

EdithWeston · 01/04/2012 05:21

"Hmm my world is obviously a bit more innocent than other peoples'!"

This bothers me. Your world isn't in question here. It's the teenage world, and what they are doing. Have you prepared yourself for the possibility that your DD is relying on your expectation of innocence to run rings round you? She didn't just delete the picture, did she?

Why were you checking her phone, btw?

Did you tackle this via the school before they broke up?

As a neighbours child, who will he be mixing with over the holidays?

everlong · 01/04/2012 07:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

gettinghappy · 01/04/2012 08:29

By sending such an explicit picture to ANYONE, this boy has broken the law. By sending it to a 13 yr old girl it's worse.

The fact that he was her 1st crush would make me worry that she'd be more likely to do whatever it was he asked her to do.

The fact that both are under 16 is shocking, but for those who say it's two minors so not so bad. CHILDREN CAN, AND DO SEXUALLY OFFEND!!

OP, if this was my child I would contact the police and let them tell the parents and deal with school. Your biggest priority as a parent is to keep your child safe, not tro worry about how this boy's parents will feel or the impact on his life. What about the impact on your daughter's life???

He has behaved in a sexually inappropriate way towards your daughter ( I don't know what her response was) and this needs to be made very clear o him!!

OddBoots · 01/04/2012 08:42

He's at boarding school, he hasn't been adopted, his parents are still his parents and they are ultimately the ones with the rights and responsibilities regarding his care and conduct. As you know them then for goodness stake let them know what you know before things get any worse.

They won't think you a very good friend if they find out about this later or through the school and realise you knew.

Queenofcake · 01/04/2012 08:51

My DC (girls) are at BS and if a someone that knew me went to the school above me first I would be pretty pissed off.

Chances are the parents will probably want to involve the school further on in all this (at some level) once they have dealt with their son themselves anyway to ensure similar does not happen again.

Please just pop around to the parents and talk to them. It does not have to be confrontational and aggressive. These people are friends of yours - yes?

Just go along and say I need to have a chat, its a bit awkward and about the kids. Show them the text message and see if you can come to a joint decision on how to deal with this together on a united front perhaps.

There is every chance your DD may not be as innocent in all of this as you think (She may be but you cannot be 100% sure). She may have engagaed in sexual texting with him but these may have been deleted on her phone, she may have even sent some pics of herself. Most teens dont tell their parents everything all of the time and hard that it is to accept our kids are growing up sometimes and indulging in stuff that cxan make us feel uncomforatble - we cannot shy away from it.

Be prepared some uncomfy stuff about your DD may come out during all this and if it does then you are on the same cringey footing as the boys parents here. If your DD is very much very innocent in all this then look at this as lesson to her in where sexting can go - she may not be inclined to join into it just yet but this experience will be cringey for her and probably put her off doing similar in a year or 2.

It needs to be dealt with through his parents IMO. At least in the first instance.

Kaloobear · 01/04/2012 08:56

How do you expect the school to monitor what text messages pupils send? Short of banning mobile phones completely that's impossible. They will have rules in place and one has been broken by a child who is old enough to know better and needs to get into serious trouble. Report to the school and also tell the parents. Blaming the housemaster is just plain bizarre.

Do you check every text your DD sends? Or do you trust her to follow your rules and be sensible? Schools have to trust pupils in the same way. And yes, sometimes the kids will get it wrong. And then be dealt with.

Very strange OP.

therewasatime · 01/04/2012 09:04

what message are you sending to your DD that you are too scared of upsetting your friends to tackle this?? That we should accept the unacceptable if it will cause too many waves.

These are your friends, speak to them.

Plus, if you encourage this "first love" idea at 13, then you are asking for trouble, I'd be telling her she shouldnt be hanging about with boys older than her, because at their age, that is a large age difference.

Sort yourself out and stand up for your DD instead of worrying about the impact on yourself.

Whilst the school maybe in loco parentis, they arent paying his mobile phone bill are they.

In addition, there is a huge difference between the amount of monitoring a 13 year old gets and a 15 year old.

everlong · 01/04/2012 09:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.