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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

What else could I/should I have done for this child?

41 replies

fluffyanimal · 29/03/2012 10:09

Not really an AIBU but more of a WWYD?

Where I park for work is not the nicest area of town: lots of private-landlord-owned back to back terraces, many not in a good state of repair. To get from the car park I have to do a loop round a square, off which there are several cul-de-sacs of terraces, and these tend to have a gate across the end of the road.

Anyway, as I set off for home yesterday I rounded one corner of the square and came nose to bumper with a toddler in the middle of the road. Luckily I was driving very slowly. He can't have been more than about 24 months. There was not an adult in sight. He moved out of the way, and I parked up in the first available space, got out and went looking for him. He was on the pavement by this time, heading for the grassy area in the middle of the square. Still no adults in sight. I went up to him and said "Hello, where's your mummy? Shall we try and find her?" Of course poor kid didn't say anything.

I kept looking around and then saw that coming out of the terrace opposite, very slowly and casually, was a teenage girl (but prob only just, she didn't look more than 13) with two younger school-age children. I noticed that the gate of this street was open. So I said to her "Do you know this little boy?" She said yes, so I said, "I just found him in the middle of the road, I could have run him over." She said "Thank you", sounding quite concerned, and she went and took the toddler by the hand and started leading him back towards the terrace. At that point I drove away.

I keep wondering whether I should have talked more to the girl, asked her who she was (sister?), asked her where the his/their parents were, checked to see which house they went into. What would you have done?

OP posts:

GlitterySkulls · 29/03/2012 10:24

i doubt she would have told you anything, tbh.

at least you hung around until you found someone to take him, i don't think you could have done anything else.

TroublesomeEx · 29/03/2012 10:26

You could let SS know. Presumably you can give the address/road name/description of the family. I wouldn't normally advocate that - children can often nip out unseen if the family is getting ready to leave. It's how it happens even in the most respectable of homes. But given the area you describe, there might be other social problems at play.

The family might already be known to them and this could indicate a change in circumstances that needs investigating/supporting.

Or they might be a family who are not currently known because the older children are doing a 'good enough' job of looking after the younger ones to keep them under the radar.

Only you can make a judgement on that. But I wouldn't have talked more to the girl - you can end up on dodgy territory yourself then.

ABatInBunkFive · 29/03/2012 10:26

Nothing more.

ABatInBunkFive · 29/03/2012 10:27

folkgirl thats an awful lot of assumptions there.

BlueFergie · 29/03/2012 10:33

I think I would have asked the teenager if he was her brother and clarified where she was taking him. I would have either gone with her to 'help' bring him back or hung aroun until I saw him safely delivered into the care of an adult. I would not have been comfortable leaving hn with a young teenager. That's just me though. I think you did more than some would have.

TroublesomeEx · 29/03/2012 10:34

It is, ABatInBunkFive you're right. But the OP is asking what she could have done in addition to what she did do.

That is what she could have done and why she might have done it.

Or she could do nothing else, which is what she did do.

I only answered her question. I haven't come on here telling her it's what she should do. And she painted the picture herself, so clearly she thinks it's relevant! I haven't plucked it out of thin air.

Mrsjay · 29/03/2012 10:35

I think you did everything you could have tbh what else could you have done at the time , the girl said she knew the toddler and took him in , I guess with hindsight there is other options and what ifs , but at the time you did the right thing ,

dayofthetriffids · 29/03/2012 10:37

I think it might've been an idea to check on who the girl was and where the parents were. But I bet I would've done exactly the same as you.

LentillyFart · 29/03/2012 10:37

I can't for the life of me see what's wrong with assumptions. Everything starts with one doesn't it? If nobody's going to assume anything then how would attention every be drawn to a situation that warrants it?

ABatInBunkFive · 29/03/2012 10:40

Fair enough, although she could also have picked the child up bundled him into her car and delivered him to the police station.

Or painted him bright purple so he was easy noticed.

Or a range of other things, none of which have anything to do with the area she describes.

judgy judgy judgy not very nice thread.

LentillyFart · 29/03/2012 10:42

So I'll ask again - what is actually wrong with 'judgey'? Every single thing we do is based on making a judgement. If you, bat, are so anti judgey how would you make a decision?

Original poster

fluffyanimal · 29/03/2012 10:44

Thanks for the responses. I don't even know if it's possible to do anything more now, like call SS as FolkGirl suggests. I'd only have the street name, no house number, so would they be able to do anything? And after all, I didn't even see the boy come out of the same street that the girl did, or even see her take him back there, that was just the direction she went.

At the time I felt acutely aware that I might inadvertently have my judgy pants on because of the area, and I didn't want to come across as assuming that there might be a problem because of that. I do wonder, though, if I should have done what BlueFergie suggested. I'm rubbish at split second decisions, and tbh uppermost in my mind was getting home in time to take DS to his swimming lesson.

OP posts:

Sarcalogos · 29/03/2012 10:48

I don't think anyone's been judgy. Phoning SS in this case wouldn't be judgy (assuming you just reported unembelished facts to them). They are the experts, if they investigate they MIGHT find some of those things folkgirl has suggested and offer the family support, or they might conclude, no harm, no problem.

Better to investigate 50 happy, coping families than miss a child in desperate need IMO.

Fwiw I would advocate the same, however 'naice' the neighbourhood.

Mrsjay · 29/03/2012 10:48

fluffy the child could well be fine the girl took him inside try and not think about it anymore , you were caught on the hop and you did what you had to do you didnt drive off and leave him ,

Olivia34 · 29/03/2012 10:59

No it's none of you business
You did the right thing by not interfering just because you think it was strange doesn't mean it was to anyone else... My toddler often sneaks away when I'm not looking doesn't mean I'm a bad parent

Original poster

fluffyanimal · 29/03/2012 11:02

Well I also remember vividly the day DS2, before he could even walk, opened the front door and crawled down our stone steps and off into the garden. I only noticed because DS1 said "Why is the front door open?" . Luckily our garden is completely enclosed, but he still could have had a nasty tumble down the steps/eaten something etc etc. So I also had that in my mind, not to be too judgy and assume the worst.

OP posts:

TheCraicDealer · 29/03/2012 11:06

Do you let you toddler dander out into the middle of the road then, Olivia? From the OP it's clear that a young girl thought this was something to be concerned about, so I'm surprised at your attitude. Children at risk are everyone's business, it's our responsibility as a society to look after our most vulnerable members. I'd rather be known as a busybody than stand by and watch when something could be done to help someone else

DeWe · 29/03/2012 11:29

I wouldn't have handed him over to a teenager who didn't claim to be in charge. They might have gone round the corner and gone "not my responsibility. Sorry Off you go".

I'd have waited around for about 10 minutes to see if an adult came to claim, then called the police. Which was exactly what I did when I had a similar experience. I was just phoning the police when I heard voices calling the child and was able to hand him over to the parents.

LittleWhiteMice · 29/03/2012 11:32

sorry what is the problem? the child wandered away (they do that sometimes) and the child went back to its family.

im not sure there is anything more to consider

Birdsgottafly · 29/03/2012 11:39

OP would you be wondering if it was a different area, with home owers and nice cars in the driveways?

It is a judgy thread, based on the 'class'of the people involved. No describtion on how the children appeared, underweight, dirty etc only what property made up the area.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 29/03/2012 11:44

Why is everyone going on about judgy? Its not a crime to make assumptions, I think op has said what she needed to say quite nicely.

There is no point pretending that rough areas and rough families don't exist, they do. And it's not ideal for the children, why pretend otherwise? Sorry, but allowing your toddler to escape onto a road is worthy of judgment IMO.

Original poster

fluffyanimal · 29/03/2012 11:46

Birds, I guess what I'm asking is whether my slight unease and wondering about whether I did the right thing, is based purely on the situation of "small child found without supervision in middle of road" or whether it does come from subconscious judginess. As I said above, partly I am twisting myself in knots because I was trying not to act judgy by doing more - but this probably only reveals that I was being judgy! Hence my reason for starting the thread. Maybe I should have phrased it more in a manner of asking whether people think I was being judgy.

Also, I'm interested to know whether my deliberate attempt not to be judgy (whilst probably ending up being so ) meant that I ended up not doing something I should have done.

I'm probably overthinking it anyway.

OP posts:

Agincourt · 29/03/2012 11:48

I agree that the area is irrelevant.

I think I would have put him in my car and taken him to the police station if no-one was around and I would definitely phone social services and lodge a concern. they may not do anything but it would make me feel better. I don't think should a young girl should be in charge of all those children, especially such a young. Though it could have been temporary or whatever, but it's alot of responsibility for such a young girl, obviously, if a baby wandered off

achica · 29/03/2012 11:49

Olivia A child wandering in the middle of the road is non of her business . It wasn't just 'strange' it was dangerous. This child was nearly run over.

The same thing happened to me when I was 8 months pregnant. Driving through not very nice area (yes judge away) when I see toddler (18/24 months old)with overfull nappy on (it was almost hanging off her it was so full) meandering in the middle of the road. The car on the other side of the road (who didn't bother to stop) had actually had to swerve to avoid her. I pulled over, and got her onto the pavement and looked around as to where she had come from. A woman came out of house further down to come and claim her stating she was her mother. I told her where I'd found her daughter and she'd nearly been hit by a car. Woman didn't seem overly concerned in a not totally 'with it sort of way' (not alcohol or drugs just not overly bright). When I tried to impress on her the seriousness of the situation as she seemed so blaze about it she then bizzarely woman started shouting at her daughter about running into the road (and smacking her on nappy). However it seemed like she was doing it for my benefit as if she thought that's what I expected her to do. I told her that it wasn't her daughters fault as she was much too young to understand and to stop chastising her.

I then got back in the car and started driving off on a long straight road. I looked in rear view mirror to see child yet again in middle of road and another car having to break to avoid her. I was intending on going back but then driver of that car got out.

After mulling it over I did try to identify the address woman had come out of (although obviously may not have been hers) but couldn't remember the exact one. Do wish I'd phoned the Police at the time after the second incidnet

Birdsgottafly · 29/03/2012 11:56

Achica- your situation should have been acted on, but you didn't.

The OP's is different. It didn't need a follow up.

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