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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to tell pregnant friends about my miscarriage?

46 replies

miscarriageblues · 27/03/2012 17:58

Hi

Namechanged for this, not sure why.

I had a miscarriage a few weeks ago but was due to have a scan last week and was planning on announcing it last week and next. However, a number of friends have announced (on Facebook mostly!) that they are pregnant with similar dd.

Now, I am really pleased for these friends. But everytime I read it it is a stab in the heart. I didn't realise until I had a miscarriage how awful it is. Sure, you can imagine that it is sad but you think that the person will (probably) get pregnant again soon and it will all be OK.

BUT it's not like that if it happens to you! First you have the bleeding and cramps - a constant reminder, then you have the scan date and midwife appts you have to cancel, then you have to wait for a BFN as pregnancy tests still show up positive until everything has gone. You then have to wait for your AF and hope that it's regular so you can ttc again. On top of that you have to deal with the key dates and other people getting pregnant around you.

It is all so hard at them moment I haven't even managed to write 'Congratulations' on their FB pages (although I will) ... but I want to send them a private message to say congratulations, we would have had an October baby too but I miscarried.

Is that unreasonable? Obviously I don;t want to scare them, that really isn't my intention.

AIBU?

OP posts:
belindarose · 27/03/2012 18:02

It's very hard for you. Much sympathy. Do whatever you feel like doing. My BF just had a MMC at 12 weeks. Her due date was 3 mints after mine so our babies would have had the same age gap as our toddlers have. We've tried to carry on 'as normal' together, which has helped. As I've had a MC before I suppose we feel we understand each other.

Are they all first time pregnancies among your friends? That makes it harder I think.

Original poster
miscarriageblues · 27/03/2012 18:04

Thanks belindarose.

No, they all have children, but none of them have ever miscarried. Now I have had one I really don't think anyone who hasn't can understand. Outwardly I am fine, but inside I am a quivering wreck not far away from tears!

OP posts:
Gumby · 27/03/2012 18:07
Sad

Don't forget though that they might have miscarried but not told anyone

FondleWithCare · 27/03/2012 18:08

Sorry about the miscarriage.

I don't think there's anything wrong with letting your friends know. It means that you can get the support that you need from them and they know to act tactfully towards you about their pregnancies. They've announced now so I'm guessing are past 12 weeks and at a safer point so shouldn't be scared by miscarriage at this point, not that that would be a reason not to tell them.

CaveMum · 27/03/2012 18:10

Firstly so sorry for your loss. I can't speak from experience as I've never been pregnant, but have some idea of how you are feeling as we've been ttc for almost 2 years whilst everyone around us seems to get pregnant at the drop of a hat.

My personal opinion would be to talk to your friends privately and say something along the lines of "I'm really happy for you and as we are such good friends I just wanted to let you know that I've recently had a miscarriage. If I seem distant or uninterested at all at any time please understand that it is nothing personal."

Flisspaps · 27/03/2012 18:10

I don't think YABU. I think they'd rather know so they can be supportive (or if you want to be left be for a while) and so they're not left wondering if they've done something wrong if you've not publicly congratulated them IYSWIM? Tell them, don't bottle it up.

I'm sorry for your loss Sad

farfallarocks · 27/03/2012 18:10

YANBU at all, perhaps tell them when you next see them or on the phone. A very similar situation happened to me with a dear friend and she has been very sensitive, we had a good cry about it all together.

It is so very hard and I feel your pain. I am now pregnant again (8 weeks and very scared!) but I had a very dark few months and the painful reminders kept coming. It has been easier since the due date has passed, especially as I found out I was pregnant again agbout 3 days before the due date.

You poor thing, it really is horrible and hope you have some sensitive friends. I had to stay off facebook for a while as I found the constant updates, scan photos etc too much

Original poster
miscarriageblues · 27/03/2012 18:11

Thanks. Part of me thinks it's mean to tell them. I might just tell those I am closest to and wait for when I am feeling strong to write "Congratulations" on the others.

OP posts:
belindarose · 27/03/2012 18:11

Yes, it's very hard to understand when you haven't had one. Not thatnid wish it on anyone, but it's certainly made me more empathetic. I do think in second and subsequent pregnancies you have more of an understanding of what could go wrong, so perhaps your friends will understand a bit. I think maybe you should tell them. Certainly my friend has told most people, but then she had talked about the pregnancy well before her scan, preferring that if something went wrong she'd want her friends to support her.

I kept mine very quiet - only a couple of close friends, our parents and sisters. But I do talk about it more now. I think it helps people to know how common (but not trivial of course) it is.

CaveMum · 27/03/2012 18:12

Just wanted to clarify that I am not comparing ttc problems with miscarriage. I meant that the feeling of "oh great someone else is pregnant" is mutually shared by people in both positions.

farfallarocks · 27/03/2012 18:13

Cave its all awful TBH its a bit like saying would you rather lose your left leg or your right. the end result is the same, no baby so don;t feel like your problem is less of problem than MC. I have had both situations and in some ways the futile TTC was more heartbreaking.

Ghoulwithadragontattoo · 27/03/2012 18:14

YANBU - I did this when a friend announced her pregnancy shortly after I miscarried. I was happy for her but my first response was to cry in the toilets at work because it should have been me as well. I think her knowing meant that she could be a little bit tactful around me when I was feeling so sad.

I am very sorry to hear about your loss :(

Original poster
miscarriageblues · 27/03/2012 18:23

Thanks all and really good ideas at what to write CaveMum. I agree with farfallarocks - I would compare ttc with miscarriage except my pain is focussed more on certain dates now whereas yours is pretty constant. I am sorry :(

OP posts:
CaveMum · 27/03/2012 18:26

Thanks ladies (are we allowed to call each other that?) [wipes away a tear]

I really hope you feel better soon OP.

Original poster
miscarriageblues · 27/03/2012 18:31

Thank you all so much! I thought I was going to get flamed for wanting to spoil their happy news. I don't ... and am so glad I wasn't misunderstood. AIBU isn't that bad after all :)

OP posts:
Original poster
miscarriageblues · 27/03/2012 18:31

and thanks CaveMum. Good luck to you too.

OP posts:
applecrumple · 27/03/2012 19:08

So sorry to hear about your MC, I was in a similar situation last year. I MC'd at 5 weeks & around the same time my cousin announced her pregnancy & then lots of friends announced theirs on fb. It was really hard & I don't think you ever forget how horrible it was. The only thing I will say is that your friends may also be worried about possible MCs & I don't know if it would be the right thing to tell them. Having said that, you know your friends best & you really have to do what you think is best. Good luck x

Panda1234 · 27/03/2012 19:09

I would say - in fact, I have said when I've been in the same situation. Sometimes you might want to cut yourself some slack - particularly if they organise baby showers and that sort of thing, or you might even want to hide their FBs for a while. It's only reasonable to let them know why you're a bit distant. They also might be able to support you too.

FlangelinaBallerina · 27/03/2012 19:19

I'd rather know, OP, speaking as one who is currently pregnant. It'd save me saying anything unintentionally hurtful or stupid. And odds are at least one of them has miscarried. Whoever it is might be able to support you. My greatest sympathies to you. Your baby would have been lovely and you don't deserve what has happened. And if you do decide to try again, the best of luck to you.

McHappyPants2012 · 27/03/2012 19:23

telling your friends will not stop them from posting about there pregnany and possibly scan pics, but may make them either feel awkward around you or give you the support you need right now.

sorry for your loss xxxxxx

spartafc · 27/03/2012 20:04

miscarriageblues, you have to be kind to yourself, and protect yourself from situations that are going to feel very raw.
Do you have a DH, or a good friend, who could tell these friends about your loss? It's just that then you don't have to deal with their reactions, or even think about their reactions.
It is hideous to see other people happily pregnant when you know that you should be too. It's not fair and it's incredibly painful.
I'm a mix of you and Cavemum, having tried for many,many years to get pregnant and only had mc (until I had DS, so there was a very happy ending)while everyone in the whole world was getting pregnant! It is a dark place to be. But you get through it. You will be ok.

nirvana1111 · 27/03/2012 20:17

Im so so sorry about your miscarriage :(
But, i dont think you should tell these friends about it, it will scare them. I got a message from a friend when i announced my pregnancy telling me she had had a miscarriage and tbh i was a bit shocked she had told me and i spent most if my pregnancy a nervous wreck.

spartafc · 27/03/2012 20:27

nirvana1111, before I ask - this isn't a facetious question, I promise!
But, up until your friend told you about her loss had you not considered that you might miscarry?
I'm genuinely interested, by the way.
It surprised me that hearing about a friend losing a baby would make you more anxious than you might have been otherwise.

HardCheese · 27/03/2012 20:30

I'm pregnant at the moment, and I'd say absolutely tell them about your miscarriage if that will make you feel even slightly more supported and less appallingly sad - I'd have been very sad that a friend in need didn't feel able to tell me they'd lost a baby simply because I was pregnant. And I'd have found it difficult to forgive myself if I'd unintentionally said something hurtful.

Much sympathy to you, OP.

AgnesCampbellMacPhail · 27/03/2012 20:37

If I were your friend, I would want to know. I would hate not being able to support you.

I am so very sorry for your loss. :(

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