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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to tell pregnant friends about my miscarriage?

46 replies

miscarriageblues · 27/03/2012 17:58

Namechanged for this, not sure why.

I had a miscarriage a few weeks ago but was due to have a scan last week and was planning on announcing it last week and next. However, a number of friends have announced (on Facebook mostly!) that they are pregnant with similar dd.

Now, I am really pleased for these friends. But everytime I read it it is a stab in the heart. I didn't realise until I had a miscarriage how awful it is. Sure, you can imagine that it is sad but you think that the person will (probably) get pregnant again soon and it will all be OK.

BUT it's not like that if it happens to you! First you have the bleeding and cramps - a constant reminder, then you have the scan date and midwife appts you have to cancel, then you have to wait for a BFN as pregnancy tests still show up positive until everything has gone. You then have to wait for your AF and hope that it's regular so you can ttc again. On top of that you have to deal with the key dates and other people getting pregnant around you.

It is all so hard at them moment I haven't even managed to write 'Congratulations' on their FB pages (although I will) ... but I want to send them a private message to say congratulations, we would have had an October baby too but I miscarried.

Is that unreasonable? Obviously I don;t want to scare them, that really isn't my intention.

AIBU?

OP posts:

byhec · 27/03/2012 20:43

I can sympathise, I had a similar situation last summer where I had an early MC and 2 close friends announced very soon after they were pregnant (and both announced very early). I felt incredibly jealous and left out but I just wasn't ready to tell them at the time (how do you say congrats but I had a MC at the same number of weeks you are now?) plus I didn't want then to feel worried for themselves or to burst their little bubbles of happiness.

Mia4 · 27/03/2012 20:49

I'm so sorry OP, YANU to not want to see that it must really hurt. If they are close/good friends I would tell them, you could probably do with their support. But if they are just fb friends as in not that close, more acquaintances, I'd just 'hide' their posts instead.

asiatic · 27/03/2012 21:41

Very sorry to hear of your loss. It's incredibly painful I know. Can I suggest something with your friends? Wait until they are well past the stage that you lost yours, and then expain to them that you are very excited about their children, but still upset abuot losing yours, but wanted to wait until they were SAFELY PAST THE DANGER MARK, before telling them what had happened to you. That way you are sharing your experience with them in a way that hopefully does not worry them. I'm sure if they are good friends, they will want to know.

Fantail · 27/03/2012 22:48

My BF has recently just told me that in the past 18 months she has had 3 miscarriages. The first 2 were while I was pregnant, but she didn't want to tell me as she didn't think it was fair. TBH I really wish she had. It wouldn't have worried me about my pregnancy, or stressed me out and I really wish that she had told me at the time.

You know your friends best - if you think that it would worry them, don't tell. But if you need someone to talk to, a shoulder to cry on, then please tell someone. They will understand, because they are your friends.

mirry2 · 27/03/2012 22:54

Hardcheese you sound lovely.

MissTapestry · 27/03/2012 23:43

I'm pg now, and I would want to know if one of my friends was going through this, as I could be tactful or give her the option of me backing off for a while. Even earlier in my pregnancy I was already well aware of the risks, and hearing about a friend's MC would not have changed the outcome of my own pg, so IMHO it would be best for you to confide in your close friends.
I hope that makes sense.

I am so sorry for your loss

Gentleness · 28/03/2012 01:11

I've been in your situation and I wish I could send you a hug. My advice would be to day something like cavemum's suggestion because you need their understanding. You might be ready to congratulate them publicly next week or it might be a while so if they are important friends they could do with knowing why for their sakes too.

It really does help to talk to other women who have been in the same situation. If you need a listening ear, I've miscarried 4 times and been through every which emotion. But the thing that shocked me was how many people I knew who had miscarried and kept totally private about it. I was very open and for some people it just opened the floodgates. They didn't know anyone else it had happened to and thought it was just them. Being open is not for everyone but does bring unexpected sources of comfort and support.

hairytaleofnewyork · 28/03/2012 02:29

So sorry for your loss.

I have had miscarriages but now have a DD (nine weeks old)

I'd say please wait a while. You don't know if your friends have had losses and I know when I was pregnant it was a constant battle to not let negative thoughts take hold. The last thing you want to hear innpregnancy is about pregnancy loss, especially if you have had losses yourself.

CottonSock · 31/03/2012 10:50

I'm glad I found this thread. I just had my 2nd MC and a very good friend just told me this week she is 12 weeks. It did really upset me too, I was thinking how lovely it would be for us to be pregnant together (and the not so nice, why bloody 'me' again). I have sent her a short message back with congratulations. Glad she didnt tell me face to face. In the last week I would have had by due date for MC1, and my 12 week scan for MC2. To make things worse the hospital sent me a Midwifery letter in post, despite them telling me they cancelled everything. And, yesterday I passed the baby, after thinking it was all over (had been bleeding for two weeks). Yest afternoon had final scan to say all ok now. So, time to move on. Got rather drunk last night which was a nice release. It's good to 'talk'.. Treating myself to some pamper time today. Thoughts are with you poster..

skybluepearl · 31/03/2012 11:06

(((Hugs)) It's heartbreaking isn't it. Painful too. Just take it easy and be kind to yourself.

I think you should only tell them if you would have told them anyway regardless of their newly announced pregnancies. If they are close friends, they will want to support you.

elliejjtiny · 31/03/2012 12:56

I'm so sorry for your loss. I've had 2 miscarriages (at 12 and 13 weeks), the latest one just over 3 months ago. I also have DS1, DS2 and DS3 who were all born between the 2 miscarriages. Since then several friends have announced their pregnancies and each time it feels like my heart has been stamped on . I think saying something is a good idea (although I haven't been brave enough). I didn't tell many people I was pregnant with the most recent one because I had a feeling something wasn't right. Although I wish I had now as telling my mum that we'd miscarried when she didn't know I'd been pregnant was awful.

DoubleGlazing · 31/03/2012 14:04

Tell them, but don't do so in the same message as congratulating them.

DoubleGlazing · 31/03/2012 14:05

And say that it doesn't take away from how happy you are for them, but for yourself you are obviously unhappy about what has happened to you. Be clear that these are two separate things.

kilmuir · 31/03/2012 14:06

is it necessary to say it in the same message????

Cosmostocupcakes · 31/03/2012 18:21

I'm also pregnant and I would hope my friend would be able to tell me - I would hate to upset her in anyway and want to offer support or know that she needs time to herself! My best friend was TTC for years and had round two of IVF when I conceived the first time - the IVF did not work :( we would have been due the same time and I was devastated for her and DF - third time lucky and she now has a darling boy - but she showed such strength and I was very aware of what she was going through - she was honest about her feelings and I totally got her she would say how happy she was for us but also how hard it was for her - I think I would have been a selfish and crap friend if I was upset by her telling me!

Look after yourself OP and I truely hope your dream comes true!

RubyrooUK · 31/03/2012 18:58

So sorry for your loss. Have been there myself twice.

I'd say do tell your friends so they can support you. But perhaps don't do it in the same message as congratulations.

I've been in this situation a number of times now and I think the whole thing really depends on the nature of the friendships.

For example, I told one of my best friends when she was pregnant. She just hugged me and said she was so sorry and didn't know how awful it must be. I immediately felt that her baby was not my baby and have relished hearing since about her pregnancy. I am genuinely thrilled for her and it doesn't upset me.

Meanwhile my SIL who had also suffered a miscarriage didn't acknowledge a card I sent to her (which was very personal and I spent many drafts trying to get it just right) when it happened. She then got pregnant immediately again and said she just wanted to forget the mc. I miscarried myself while she has been pregnant but didn't want to say anything about my own after last time and her saying she didn't want to dwell on it and as a result, always feel more awkward hearing about her pregnancy. Even though she has been through the same thing in some ways.

So I think it's a totally personal thing. Sending good vibes your way.

cocobeefsteak · 31/03/2012 19:10

I am so sorry for your loss. I have a friend who has had 2 miscarriages while I've been pregnant and I am pleased that she told me, as I've been able to be there for her - it does make me feel a bit guilty for having what she wants though but I'd rather know so I can be tactful and not bang on about my pregnancy.

Springforward · 31/03/2012 19:16

YANBU. They are your friends. If you would talk to them about it if they weren't pregnant, you should still be able to now.

cookcleanerchaufferetc · 31/03/2012 19:35

Sorry for what you a going through. However, I think your friends should know as there are going to be times when you will find it hard with them having a baby and you don't, and they should know why you are feeling sad, rather than mistaking it for arsieness. Plus, they are your friends ... They should care about you. Post congrats, and later tell them.

Tiredandgrumpy2 · 31/03/2012 20:54

Yanbu. I'm so sorry for your loss. I'd do whatever you feel is right. Might even depend on the friends. Xx

FutureNannyOgg · 31/03/2012 21:08

I would tell them. I would hate to think that a friend was suffering in silence because she wanted to spare my feelings. I think pg mums worry about losing their pregnancies anyway (well I did) I don't think you are breaking a big secret by telling them miscarriages happen.

I had a mc last year, and told a lot of my friends, more than would be considered "usual" because I think that mothers suffering loss need to be heard, understood and supported, and I don't think brushing it under the carpet helps anyone. A huge number of my female friends contacted me to tell me that they had suffered a loss and thank me for sharing. I'm not saying you should tell everyone, but that you shouldn't be afraid to tell the people who might support you, even if they are pregnant.

Also, for info, you don't need to wait until your periods are regular to TTC. My Dr advised me there was no reason to, except to date the next pregnancy, and you can have a scan for that if you are unsure. I fell pregnant 2 weeks after miscarrying (I wouldn't recommend that though, I found it very hard emotionally adjusting to a pregnancy again when I was still grieving for the loss). So as soon as you feel ready, it's OK.

I hope things work out for you.

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