to say actually, no, your DS has not been well behaved?

[grumblinalong]

I have DS1's friend here (as a favour to his mum, past experience has taught me not to volunteer to offer to have him for tea) and his behaviour is a nightmare. In the past hour he has continually slammed the glass living room door, taunted younger ds2 relentlessly, keeps calling the 9 month old baby ugly, trashed ds1's room and shouted rude words in our street. DS1 is desperately trying to get him to stop bouncing on the sofas and watch a dvd. DS looks really worried

I keep telling him off and it is literally like I don't exist, he looks straight through me. His lovely mum will undoubtedly ask how he has been. AIBU to say actually his behaviour has left alot to be desired?

"His mum seems desperate for him and ds1 to be friends so she keeps inviting ds1 round."

• because she knows his behaviour is awful and she has presumably noticed that he behaves a bit better when your DS is around.

I think I'd probably chicken out and when asked look pained, wince, run my hand through my ragged hair and say "Oh um well OK" < heartfelt sigh > then never invite him again and think up an excuse next time she asks.

But I am the Queen of Passive Aggressiveness.

My Ds has SN. He can behave oddly. I would very much want him to be invited round by others and woukd want to support that in any way I could by having information about any trouble he might have been.

If it were me, I'd want to be told kindly.

Nine? And he's behaving like this? Unless the child has some sort of known behavioural issues then yes, you should tell his mother that he's behaved atrociously.

I think Random's idea is good. But like Pandemoniaa says, unless he has behavioural issues he needs to be pulled up on his behaviour. Even my DS who has Aspergers and can be a nightmare wouldn't behave that badly at someone else's house.

Modified truth, something like "I think perhaps he's very tired; he's been quite shouty and rather aggressive with the younger ones. I wonder if he's sickening for something?" That way you give her a graceful out as you are not actually saying "your PFB is the spawn of Satan and, by extension, you must be a terrible parent" but equally you leave her in no doubt as to how he's behaved.

Meant to add, I have a friend whose 7 year old is atrociously behaved, and has bullied my 6 year old, probably because she never pulls him up on it. Just excuses it, saying he gets like that when he's hungry . Some parents are blinkered or just totally unaware. I think telling her in front of him is entirely appropriate. Depending on her reaction, you will probably get a pretty good idea whether she is aware of just how badly behaved he is and how unacceptable it is to others. I think she needs to know, but you can do it in a kind way (in case there are some SNs you need to be aware of).

Oooh Elephants, cross posted, that's a good one. :)

I would tell her quite bluntly tbh.

I would be beyond livid if a 9 year old behaved like that in my home. Completely unacceptable.

I'm sorry but this child is 9!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Even if child has SN the child has been very difficult and the child and his mum need to be told this.

You could do the "I found x and y behaviour overwhelming, how do you usually stop him behaving like that"

How do children learn that their behaviour isn't likes/acceptable if they are never told?

I would say I found his behaviour a little challenging. Then she will either want to know and give him hell if she just doesn't give a monkeys she won't ask.
If he has behavioural issues then it will give her a chance to tell you.
Sounds a stressful afternoon.

To be honest, I wouldn't say anything. I doubt most of the posters saying you should would do either in real life!

It's so awkward and you'll be nervous so it might all come out wrong.

I'd just make a mental note to always be busy from now on if she needs a favour and not have him round again.

At the end of the day it's not your problem - yes, you could say the mum needs to know. But if he was that bad, she will know what he's like without you needing to say anything. She's and she's either trying to help him with that behaviour or she's not.

I don't think sugar-coating it is going to help. If this isn't the first time, you need to deal with it head on.

Could you phone her now before she collects - would you find that easier?

I would tell her.

I know a boy of the same age who has behaved very badly at 2 other friends' houses, and as both of them are scared of his mother, they have been too scared to tell her. In fact, most people are too scared to call her on her son's behaviour, but they are quite happy to do it behind her back.

He's settled down a bit now he's outside. They've had their tea out there. He's still shouting but isn't leaping around uncontrollably. No SN that I know of but he seems to be very hyperactive - I work with children with LDD and their behaviour is better than this most of the time. His poor mother.

Can't phone her, she's at work. Hence the favour.

In my head I tell people if their child has been rude etc (actually, I've never had anything so bad that it can't be sorted with a telling off from me), but in reality I haven't ever told a parent about their child's behaviour.

Which is bad really, because I'd like to be told.

I think that you should tell her. It has been quite extreme

Yes tell the mum - that is NBU at all. I always wanted to know if my DC's had misbehaved.

Does he have behaviour issues at school/home? If so, has he been assessed for Asperger's, ADHD and similar problems? A "normal" 9 year old should be picking up the social rules about behaviour, the fact that he is not, suggests something may be behind the behaviour. He sound very like my son with Asperger's at that age (a nightmare guest despite my best efforts, and he was blissfully unaware of the havoc his behaviour was causing).

But if everyone keeps saying he is fine for them perhaps she feels alone in finding his behaviour hard work and unacceptable?

I would want to know if my child was badly behaved so that I could address it and stop it from happening again. You should definitely say something.

Have you said to the boy really directly ' Behave yourself or I'm telling your mum?'

Oh, have just realised you have already said that!

You could always phone her later this evening and see how she's taken the news...

You don't have to be nasty about it.

"I've been quite shocked at some of his behaviour such as x and y, something I thought he'd have grown out of?"

God, yes. I wouldn't even wait till pickup time, I'd call her now. Why should you put up with that? And the idea of not telling her at all... Why would you even consider not telling her?

You should tell her, but do it in a nice way.