To find playgroup hard...

[glittertree]

AIBU ...to find playgroup hard going ? I go because I have a 11 month old girl and I want her to get used to other children.... At first it was ok a few people spoke and I made a very big effort to talk to people but as time has gone on Ive noticed its all very cliquey with people all just huddled into little groups...which is fair enough we dont have to be the best of friends...then there are the leaders who make snide comments about who puts the toys away etc,who left early who does the most...I never get there early enough to help put the toys out but always make sure I am there to tidy up.... Having had children before i have been members of these comittes and after years of being on them decide I wouldnt bother as it always turns into a bitchfest about who does what....Am I being unreasonable to hate the bitchy side of this I am starting to dread going ...especially the days when your there and everyone is just staring at the floor I am trying really I am.....

Is it the only playgroup in your area ? How about trying a different one ? I used to go to a few with my children , and there was 1 where it was very cliquey , much as you describe. The other groups were full of more normal people like us !

I agree with Viola7. Try another group. I prefer some groups to others most definitely.

Ditch that playgroup and find another one. There's one really big playgroup here with lots of shiny new facilities but it is awfully cliquey so I take DS to a smaller one with lots of outside play and it's much better.

no I am afraid its the only one...just wish it was more welcoming its all about who does what ...

Just don't go anymore. It's not worth it. My DD is 2 and I've never been to one because I've always thought they'd be exactly how you have described.

Taking your DD to the park or swimming gets her used to being around other children anyway.

I went to one that wasn't very welcoming and the parents would stand and chat in little groups rather than supervising their children. At all. Often they would go in their little friendship groups and stand in the kitchen in huddles whilst their children got overexited and loud in the hall area.

I have now found a lovely one but it is ten miles away as opposed to two miles away. It is much much better though, better run and friendlier.

I don't go to playgroups these days for reasons like that, although there are some non-bitchy groups round here I really cannot be bothered. DS goes to nursery twice a week and has older siblings and cousins so I figure that that is his socialising .

I totally know what you mean about the competitive packing away and the snidey comments. Our local village one used to be very bitchy with one alpha mum taking over the clearing up each week when we were all meant to pitch in together. Woe betide anyone who put anything back on the wrong hook or shelf, we would get barked at. Meanwhile her little darling ran wild, pinching, punching and biting anyone in her way. Then there was bitching from the group leader about people who came some weeks and not others. I stopped going when she made a friend of mine cry as my friend was half an hour late for the group one week as she had been to the doctors, only to get an earful from the group leader, in front of everyone else too.

How bizarre ! I used to do my food shopping before playgroup and turn up just as the coffees were handed out ! My children are a lot older now, but I do notice it seems worse these days re bitchy up and down looks from some parents.

Can you drive to another place ? I expect you are wanting some adult chat too?

I know Cassette, it was awful. She is quite a sensitive soul anyway and finds it hard to pluck up the courage to go to things alone and it really upset her. The group has now closed I believe, due to lack of numbers, but hardly surprising when the group leader and some members behaved as they did. On their own, at the school, they are all nice, quite quiet women, but toddler group seemed to turn them into rotweillers for some reason!

Go to a church one if you can...they're usually well run and more professional. OUrs has a lovely little tea shop type thing and Mums and Dads who attend aren't expected to set toys out etc...we pay our subs and it's done...we do contribute in other ways though...

I don't understand this clique business, what exactly wrong with mothers talking to their friends? Should they not? Should we all make sure when we go to playgroups we don't talk to our friends?

nailak there's a difference between talking to your friends and letting someone new sit by themselves, brushing off their attempts to introduce themselves and calling, "Come away, darling!" when their DC get anywhere near the "new girl's" child.

OP I'm sure you're not the only one who feels like that. If there's nothing else in your area then can you try making friends with a couple of the nicer women and arranging to meet them at the park etc. People will come if there's an alternative.

Oh dear, the competitive packing away sounds familiar. I've joined one and been a few times and noticed last week the leader vacuuming in a weirdly OTT and somehow bossy way [laugh]. Her kid is a bully too, always hitting others in the face.

I know what you mean, there are some who go to these things for a bit of a chat and a chance for their kid to play and others who never graduated from high school.

I am going to persist because there are some normal friendly women there and my son loves it.

not [laugh]

nailak i have no problem whatsoever if people want to talk to their friends but if it was me i would also make an effort to try and be friendly with everyone not just turn my back...its mainly the bitchyness i dont like...hex that is shocking although i know that when i am late...we are always running late darling daughter is a little horror at that time in the morning...the dissaprovel is obvious to see when we arrive...there is no other group where i live :(

thanks soverylucky i will just stick with it for a while longer....i suppose there are always bitchy people where ever you go in life ..I always tidy up at the end and have offered to help at the fundraiser although noone has said that would be helpful...and then they moan no one does anything and its just them that have to do everything
sometimes its a no win situation!!!

glittertree, it's awful, almost like a competitive 'on time' thing isn't it? I was rarely on time to the local group either and hence I too got disaproving looks. I also dared to have a chest infection on the day of the Xmas party a couple of years ago and the leader tutted at me and got quite annoyed when after an hour or so I admitted defeat and went home.

Nailak, AKMD has summed up the cliquey thing very well. I don't have a problem with people talking to their friends at groups, heck we all do it don't we, it's natural to gravitate towards friends and familiar faces. However no way would I leave a new person just sat on their own at a group, I would chat to them, introduce myself and my DCs, integrate them into the conversation, and show them where to get tea and snacks from. It's basic good manners really, something that it seems some toddlergroup attendees sorely lack.

I find the 'stay and play'-type ones that the local children centres / pre-shcools run are far less horrendous. Mostly because there isn't the martyr-like hierarchy of the volunteer mums.

Sounds like you don't have that option nearby, so if you want to stick at it, maybe try and chat up a mum who you might have written off as anti-social, maybe they're just knackered?

That was me at most toddler groups. I was used to doing my socialising with a g&t in hand at 10pm rather than a shit coffee at 10am.

I never bothered with playgroups till mine were about 2.5yrs and even then I didn't bother regularly.

I don't think babies need socialising, at that age it's more for the parent's benefit I think.

YANBU a couple round here are like that which is why I use the library ones - they do a storytime and a rhyme time which gives DD the chance to enjoy music which she loves. Shes 11months and seems to really be getting into these kind of groups now - is that something you could do instead?

But also agree about park and swimming. or meeting up with friends who have LOs. Aslong as they get to interact with other children a few times a week even if its just at the swings they are learning all those skills - sharing, how to play WITH other children etc

I go to lots of different playgroups and have never encountered anything like this. Maybe it's a small town thing?

Like hardboiledpossum I go to loads of different playgroups. Started when DS was born, he's now 4, and continuing with DD. I have never come across cliqueness or unpleasantness and, I must admit, I've found them a godsend.

Then again I've never had any problems with the school run either, so maybe I just float about blithely unaware.