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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU brother's wedding

42 replies

noonar · 25/03/2012 16:39

My DB is getting married. The venue is just over 2 hours away and is in a very rural area that bride and groom have chosen on basis of liking the venue. We do not know the area at all and would want to allow a good 3.5 hours to allow for traffic/ getting lost etc. The wedding is at midday.

It will be assumed that I will take responsibility for getting our 95 yo gran there. She doesn't get up early and this early start will make the day additional full on for her, and tbh honest I don't know how she'll manage. She has said she doesn't want to go the night before and stay overnight.

AIBU to feel that when people plan a wedding they should acknowledge/ take into account the needs of frail family members when considering timings/ location? I really want DB's day to be special and what they want is obv very important. I just feel that they have acknowledged the logistical / health implications for 2 family members and am not sure how to broach this.

OP posts:

ethelb · 25/03/2012 16:43

If it's that far away and it would be that hard for her, can you stay overnight nearer the venue?

Teeb · 25/03/2012 16:43

I'm sure they've had lots of other things to consider logistically too.

You can't please all of the people all of the time comes to mind.

Original poster

noonar · 25/03/2012 16:44

as i said in my rather waffly Op, she doen't want to stay over :(

OP posts:

ethelb · 25/03/2012 16:45

Sorry, just noticed that she is not happy to stay over. Perhaps that is her way of saying she can't really face the wedding and would rather not go? 95 is vv old.

He can have weddign where he wants byt needs to accept 95yo Gran may not be able to come.

msrisotto · 25/03/2012 16:46

The thing is, you can't plan a wedding around a hundred other people's personal preferences. It is your gran's decision not to stay the night before but has she thought how she is going to get there/manage etc without? My nan was a very entitled lady so maybe i'm coming at this from a different view point as she liked things her way and expected everyone else to accomodate her. If I were you, i'd make my plans and she can either fit in with them of find another way, perhaps involving other relatives or staying over.

Original poster

noonar · 25/03/2012 16:46

but ethelb, i am talking about the needs of a very elderly relative. not a simple case of not pleasing everyone!

OP posts:

taxiforme · 25/03/2012 16:46

Given my DB got married in italy TWICE (although he does not live there) and last time in a VERY rural location with limited accommodation and left us (i am his only sibling) to cope with twenty family members who were over 65 and could not drive in italy..I can feel your pain. I was tempted to say "Aunty Jean/Florrie/Mavis/...do you REALLY want to go to the wedding.how about you stay here eh? and save the money?

I am afraid that there is so much which goes into the day that a B and G cannot cater for all and it is their day. There might be another wedding at the venue/church.. I know of some who complained that our wedding was at three as they had "overtired/hungry kids" (there was another wedding at the church at 12.30).

SchoolsNightmare · 25/03/2012 16:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WorraLiberty · 25/03/2012 16:46

I'm not sure you can really blame the bride and groom because your Nan refuses to stay out overnight.

Perhaps they assumed she would?

Original poster

noonar · 25/03/2012 16:47

sorry, TEEB, not ethelb!

OP posts:

scurryfunge · 25/03/2012 16:48

Is it the cost of staying over that is stopping her? If so, can't family assist with payment. It is difficult but you can't really expect people to plan their wedding to suit one guest. There is a reasonable solution but it depends how much she wants to go.

TheUnsinkableTitanic · 25/03/2012 16:50

good idea about doing a dry run SchoolsNightmare

maybenow · 25/03/2012 16:52

i don't think your DB is asking a lot really. if your gran doesn't want to go then she doesn't have to (and tbh it sounds like she really doesn't want to go). OTOH, she only has to get up at 8am to leave the house at 9am and then can be home again by very early afternoon if somebody takes her back just after the ceremony.

Original poster

noonar · 25/03/2012 16:54

It's helpful to gets these responses. thanks.

given how frail she is and that the only overnight stays she ever has have been in hospital, i dont think DB would assume she'd just check into a B and B...

i think that i'm smarting slightly because i have not been asked to to take her yet i know that it will be my job to get her there and cope with the logistics. i guess i'd just like that acknowledged, if i'm honest.

OP posts:

Ephiny · 25/03/2012 16:54

12pm is a reasonable starting time for a wedding, I think. Not sure why it's your responsibility to make sure your gran gets there, people can assume what they like but that doesn't mean you have to do it. If you're staying over the night before, then you can't anyway.

What would you expect your brother to do differently? Have a later start (but then that would mean a late finish which could be problematic too)? Or choose a venue closer to your gran's house? (but then might be further for other people, plus it's not always easy finding a suitable and affordable venue exactly where you want it).

If I were you I would just not get involved, it's not your wedding and not really your problem. If it comes to it, surely your brother could arrange a taxi to take her there and back?

WorraLiberty · 25/03/2012 16:56

I think you're going to have to sit your Gran down and tell her that if she wants to go, she's either going to have to get up very early or stay overnight.

There's no other solution really.

Fiendishlie · 25/03/2012 16:58

I think you're being a bit unreasonable because you've said the venue is 2 hours away yet you feel the need to allow 3 and a half hours in case of traffic and getting lost.
Don't get lost and you'll only need to allow 2 hours

ElephantsAreMadeOfElements · 25/03/2012 17:00

Book yourself in for the night before now. Then if your brother asks you to take your gran you can truthfully tell him that you can't because you're going to be staying down near the wedding venue the night before, so he'll have to book a driver and car to pick her up.

Birdsgottafly · 25/03/2012 17:03

It would make more sense for her to book a room anyway, so she can go and have a rest, if she needs to.

She needs to think about if she really is up to it and given her age, i don't think that it should be a must that she does attend.

You need to discuss with her why she doesn't want to stay over.

If there is accomodation available then i don't think that a bride and groom do have to consider other family members, regarding location, if it is in their home country.

toomuchlaundry · 25/03/2012 17:03

you cannot cover everyone's needs when you choose location,time venue for a wedding. If they chose a venue that made it more accessible for your gran, it might make it harder for other people to get there iyswim.

When we got married both myself and DH had elderly grans who we would have loved to come to the wedding, but they lived 6 hours apart and neither of them could reasonably cope with more than about an hours travel and then cope with a wedding on top of that, so we would never have been able to choose a venue that would have suited both. In the end they both decided they could not cope with a wedding, regardless of the travel involved. As soon as possible after the wedding we visited them both and took my dress etc and showed them all the photos.

I assume your gran may find the wedding very tiring, will you be responsible for looking after her during the wedding, will there be somewhere she can rest if she needs to?

DaisySteiner · 25/03/2012 17:04

From the opposite pov, when I got married my father insisted that we couldn't get married before 3pm because my elderly grandmother would have to travel 2 hours or so to get there, didn't like getting up early and wouldn't want to stay overnight. This timing meant that we couldn't really have an evening reception/disco at all - after getting to the reception venue, photos, meal, speeches etc we decided there wasn't really time so it meant a whole load of friends couldn't be invited, we got no 'first dance' etc. My father was paying for the wedding (very young, didn't want to go against him, yadda yadda) so I agreed.

In the end my grandmother couldn't come but of course it was too late to change our plans and we had no evening 'do', which I've always regretted.

With the benefit of hindsight, I still think that it was unreasonable to be expected to organise the whole thing around one person. It's not that I would have chosen to have had the wedding without her, but you (hopefully) only have one wedding day and within reason I do think people should be able to have the wedding day they want.

Original poster

noonar · 25/03/2012 17:04

but i dont want the stress of traffic jam= missed wedding. i will need to allow extra time.

i will talk to gran, but DB surely should be talking it through with us too and suggesting a plan. you may say its not his job to get her there, then who's is it? mine?

re taking her home after... that means someone misses the whole reception

the italian scenario sounds horrendous! poor you, taxi.

re what should DB do differently..? talk to family members about the logistics

OP posts:

Ephiny · 25/03/2012 17:05

"i think that i'm smarting slightly because i have not been asked to to take her yet i know that it will be my job to get her there and cope with the logistics. i guess i'd just like that acknowledged, if i'm honest."

You sound like a bit of a martyr to be honest, complaining that you're not being acknowledged/thanked for doing something you haven't actually even been asked to do. You're just looking for problems, and/or things to be offended by.

Seriously just stay out of it and make your own arrangements, other people will cope!

Kiwiinkits · 25/03/2012 17:05

YABU. You do need to have a frank chat with your gran to see whether she really wants to come or not.

You've acknowledged yourself that all you want really is a bit of recognition for what you're doing for the family. You may or may not get the thanks you want from someone else, but pat yourself on the back as it is a lovely thing you are doing for your DB and your gran .

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 25/03/2012 17:06

Dry run and beg, borrow or steal a satnav.

Your brother isn't being that unreasonable tbh, but then neither is your nan, considering she's 95.

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