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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU brother's wedding

42 replies

noonar · 25/03/2012 16:39

My DB is getting married. The venue is just over 2 hours away and is in a very rural area that bride and groom have chosen on basis of liking the venue. We do not know the area at all and would want to allow a good 3.5 hours to allow for traffic/ getting lost etc. The wedding is at midday.

It will be assumed that I will take responsibility for getting our 95 yo gran there. She doesn't get up early and this early start will make the day additional full on for her, and tbh honest I don't know how she'll manage. She has said she doesn't want to go the night before and stay overnight.

AIBU to feel that when people plan a wedding they should acknowledge/ take into account the needs of frail family members when considering timings/ location? I really want DB's day to be special and what they want is obv very important. I just feel that they have acknowledged the logistical / health implications for 2 family members and am not sure how to broach this.

OP posts:

HoudiniHissy · 25/03/2012 17:11

I think that it IS your brother's job to look at how his gran gets to the wedding, if she stays over or whatever.

It's HIS wedding. It's NOT your responsibility.

If I were you, I'D book myself into a B&B the night before and say that's what I'm doing, everyone else can sort themselves out. Repeat as required "That doesn't work for me"

STAY OUT OF IT. Refuse to be bamboozled!

Original poster

noonar · 25/03/2012 17:13

ephiny, maybe youre right.

there is a history of me having to take more than my share of responsibility compared to siblings, with regard to family stuff. maybe i'm reacting because of that.

the thing is, all the bride and grooms friends are camping overnight for two nights and the wedding is in a barn, so there's no way i can participate in all that if i have responsibility for elderly relative.

thanks to all for your advice.

OP posts:

HoudiniHissy · 25/03/2012 17:15

You don't have responsibility for an elderly relative. The bride and groom need to make arrangements for their guests. That includes your gran.

check into a B&B and opt out of being dumped on. again.

Original poster

noonar · 25/03/2012 17:19

thanks houdini.

i will speak to him i think. its all very well to say stay out of it :) but i can't really make my own plans until i know she's sorted, can I? i'd feel really guilty.

OP posts:

Original poster

noonar · 25/03/2012 17:22

dasiy, thats very sad. i feel for you.

OP posts:

WipsGlitter · 25/03/2012 17:25

Is there no one else to take responsibility for your nan? Are your parents not alive?

I think you are over thinking all this and you do sound a bit martyr-ish. Ask you brother "what about nan?" or do as someone suggested and book your B&B now so you can legitimately say you're staying over. I think an extra 1.5 hours is a bit much.

Ineedacleaneriamalazyslattern · 25/03/2012 17:28

I'm actually going to go against the grain here and say yanbu.
When I planned my first wedding I actually discarded a venue I really liked because of my elderly and rather frail grandmother.
I didn't have to because tbh I wasn't even sure she would come as she was elderly and was uncomfortable going out for long periods for various reasons. I did it because I wanted her to come so I didn't want to make it prohibitive to her.
And as for 3pm being too late for an evening do. Really? I have only been to one wedding at 12 noon rather than 2/3pm and as a guest that was far too early a long long day with too much hanging about. All weddings I've been to have been late on and have managed an evening do without problem.

LaCiccolina · 25/03/2012 17:32

Frankly Im a bit shocked by Ephinys response on page 1. Bit harsh?!

I think the basic problem here is manners. You knew you would be expected to take said elderly relative, possibly because you have done previously to other or some other 'do's. Perhaps when they booked it they did actually say to themselves "its alright Lisa will take Mabel..."

I suggest you go the other way round this, why not ask your brother how he suggests the elderly relative gets there? How about he has that conversation or new bride does? I mean, why should it be assumed its you? And equally, can we truly be sure it has or was????

Maybe they actually haven't given any thought to kids, elderly or injured. I didn't at mine. Frankly I thought that was your issue if you wanted to come! (I really don't mean this rudely I just didn't give it a thought) That each individual would find the way to get there we kind of thought was a given as there was quite enough for us to do and pay for and that perhaps it was not to much to ask for someone else to worry about some of the periphery stuff.....

Most people on the wedding day step up and do stuff to get people and things there. If it is you doing this one, ask for help by other guests. You can do that too, ask for help I mean.....

I hope you all have a lovely and peaceful day. It will all work out in the end. Always does....

taxiforme · 25/03/2012 17:33

Hi again,

I think you hit the nail on the head OP. I do think that maybe you are overplanning and worrying needlessly. This might be more about your family dynamics and issues (dependence on you?) than the wedding itself.

I would make your own plans and see what happens.

BTW weddings and funerals always bring out the best or worst in people IMHO!

Original poster

noonar · 25/03/2012 17:37

thank you for your advice la ciccolino.

taxi- i agree.

also agree that as fit twenty somethings they may not be thinking of the elderly/children/ sick etc

OP posts:

Original poster

noonar · 25/03/2012 17:41

Ineedacleaner- i'm also quite like you and considered relatives' health. i dont want to drip feed, but tbh the wedding is also going to be a nightmare for my mum due to ill health. she's accepting the arrangements and staying overnight, but the journey/ long day will def be hugely more than she can comfortably cope with, with no where to rest.

OP posts:

SchoolsNightmare · 25/03/2012 17:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 25/03/2012 17:49

I don't think you should worry about it just yet, your Nan might not even want to go.

I think it's quite unfair of you to think your DB and sil should worry about things that are out of their control when planning their wedding. No wedding is going to be easy logistically for everyone, you haven't said if there are any circumstances on the brides side that they may hav head to consider too.

Couples should think of their guests, but not to the extent that they shudo have to worry about relatives being unwilling to stay the night somewhere. Your nan may not want to have to do that, but that is her choice. A bride and groom shudo not be denied their choice of wedding venue just because a relative doesn't want to stay overnight somewhere. If all our guests (including many disabled friends and elderly relatives) had been that difficult to accommodate, we would have had to elope.

AmberLeaf · 25/03/2012 18:12

YANBU

Why is it assumed that you are responsible for getting your nan there?

RuleBritannia · 25/03/2012 18:22

The OP said the journey would take 2 hours. It's probable that the grandmother has to be picked up first so it will be more than 2 hours with that bit of journey to grandmother's added. Apart from that, from my own experience with my mother, we have to tell her that we will pick her up at A o'clock but we never leave her house until B o'clock because she's never ready at the time we stipulate. So that time has to be added, too.

knowitallstrikesagain · 25/03/2012 18:36

Speaking from experience, if it was important to me that my nan got to attend my brother's wedding, I would take her, drop her home, miss part of the reception but be happy to know she had made it (if she actually wants to go)

If it was a person who was not that important to me and I did not care about her enjoyment of the day over my own, I would let DB make arrangements and stay out of them.

YABU. 2 hours away is not far. I think it would be unrealistic to expect him to have picked a venue and time to suit one person, even if that is his grandmother. Again from experience, frail elderly people sometimes decide on the day they cannot deal with going, regardless of time or distance, and then everyone would be put out.

Agree with those who have said ask DB to arrange a taxi to get mum and nan home afterwards. Pick her up or don't, up to you. But don't be a martyr, just choose what to do and then do it with a good grace.

HoudiniHissy · 25/03/2012 18:40

Seems to me OP, that the bride and groom are being selfish and thinking only about themselves. It's their wedding, they get the hassle of ferrying/worrying about arrangements. NOT you!

STOP enabling everyone else to blaze a trail through life while you get to be the Sherpa carrying the luggage.

Your family has a bloody nerve allowing you to constantly pick up the pieces. Get yourself a BandB, and let your parents sort their accommodation and a room for gran.

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