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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be angry with my friends DD's?

26 replies

MeanMom · 25/03/2012 15:37

My friend/neighbour has two grown DD's still living at home - she is widowed. Her DD1 is not many years younger than me and has a DP of several years who also lives in our road with his parents.

Both DD's work, my friend does not has always been SAHM (like me) but is OAP now technically. The DD's rarely do any cooking, cleaning etc.

I am getting a bit fed up of myself and DH being asked to do small jobs around her house that she cannot manage. It should be DD's or if 'men's work'Wink she could ask her DD's partner (or even his Dad). She never asks them and they rarely offer. I know if we didn't do the things she would struggle to do them herself as she is very houseproud and tidy beyond reason.

This lunch time she phoned to ask if someone could take her DD's quilts back up stairs after she had put clean covers on! Apparently before they went out this morning she asked them to strip their beds 'for her' so she could wash the bedding. They threw all the bedding down the stairs - including the actual quiltHmm Which my friend says is her fault becuse they 'dont know my routine'

Who doesn't know you don't wash the quilts inside the covers? Told her she should wait til they ge home but she wanted it done as they were 'making downstairs untidy'Knew she would struggle up the stairs with them herself so DH went over to do it for her. Last week DH had to put her net curtains up for her.

DH will do anything for anyone but she has others to help her and they rarely do. There is no way I am going to speak to her DD's about this - I have had words with DD1 before when my Friend called me in tears about something she had actually asked her DD to do (DD said her Mum was lazy Biscuit) - only resulted in the Mum being more upset and a bunch of flowers for me/beer for DH - which is missing the point.

AIBU to expect these grown women to know/be bothered to remove the covers from their own quilts?

OP posts:
laptopcomputer · 25/03/2012 15:39

I would have to say something to the DDs. I would tell my friend before I did it, and tell her why, but I woul,d have to say something ot them.

SilentBoob · 25/03/2012 15:43

I don't think it is your job to wade in and 'fix' the behaviour of the daughters here. You won't fix anything and will probably make things worse for your friend.

I think your only job is to support and help your friend where you can.

By all means seethe in private - I am with you 100% on that, they sound like arseholes. But you can really only choose either to help your friend, or not to.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 25/03/2012 15:46

Your friend sounds lovely, but I don't think she is blameless here. It sounds like she has made a rod for her own back with her dds if she would rather phone neighbours to get them to do simple things rather than ask her dds to do it. I actually think its quite cheeky to phone neighbours to ask if they can carry quilts up stairs for them. I think someone does need to say something to the dds, but that someone should be their mother that has brought them up to be so selfish.

fedupofnamechanging · 25/03/2012 15:51

By doing all her little jobs, you are enabling her to continue letting her adult children take the piss. As things stand, she has the option to not tackle her kids about their appalling attitude, because you do all the things that they ought to be doing.

It would drive me crazy to watch my friend allow herself to be treated like shit and I would have to pull back a bit. It's madness, to be going over there, to carry quilts back upstairs. I'd have to tell my friend to deal with her kids, but i suspect in doing so, the friendship would suffer.

It comes down to whether you withdraw, for your own sanity, or continue to help her indulge them.

RabidEchidna · 25/03/2012 15:53

Shock how can anyone be that useless

picnicbasketcase · 25/03/2012 15:58

Her daughters sound like entitled little wankers. How thoughtless of them to just expect their mother to do jobs they could quite easily do themselves. The very idea of grown women throwing their bedding downstairs rather than taking the covers off and actually taking them all the way to the washing machine is making me Angry

If you know the daughters, I would make a point of talking to them and pointing out that it is not your job to have to keep going round helping out their mother when they could it. The neighbour also needs to grow a pair and stop letting them take the piss. Tell her to go on strike until her children stop behaving like utter dickheads.

Mrsjay · 25/03/2012 15:58

your friend is allowing her dds to treat her like this and now she is not as fit as she was It has bitten her on the bum , I think i would say something to them they sound like over grown teenagers tbh , But i think i would have to say something although , they may take it out on your friend do they know you both do things for her , I would stop doing as much for her you sound a lovely friend but you are doing far to much for a woman who has grown ups in her home ,

Birdsgottafly · 25/03/2012 15:59

Decide what you and your DH are happy to do and then say that you are to busy, it is none of your business that she allows her DD's to do nothing. You use the words "had to" a few times, well you don't, you are choosing to.

If you wasn't doing it you would find that they would muddle along, i have learned through experience that they always do.

If she isn't asking the DD's boyfriend to do things, then it her look out.

fraiserno · 25/03/2012 16:02

Get an answering machine and filter her calls so that you don't respond ie are not in to respond. She has chosen her life you are allowing yourself to be at her beck and call and if you talk to her or her daughters she will soon stop being a friend because you have told her things that hurt her pride.

Birdsgottafly · 25/03/2012 16:03

I have known women to not allow their grown up children to use the washing machine. Perhaps she likes "her routine" and won't allow them to do things as they want to. Some people need to feel needed and like that their partner/children are not self sufficient.

Unless you really know what is going on, don't get to involved.

Mrsjay · 25/03/2012 16:06

birds you are right my mum wont let my adult sister use the washing machine she doesnt do it right Hmm my sister is still at home so she doesnt do it , so i guess maybe if the OP held back from the helping and leave them to it , would be best , It is tempting to say something to the daughters though perhaps best not too ,

QuintessentialShadows · 25/03/2012 16:07

She does not need the daughters to do housework. She has you and your husband. Dont be doormats.

Original poster
MeanMom · 25/03/2012 16:10

:( I have said to her many times (including today) 'but can't DD do it when they come home?' and make no secret (to friend) that I think her DD's are taking the p*ss. She always has an excuse for them (younger in particular who 'works all hours') and I know full well she will struggle to try and do the things herself if we dont.

Last Sunday tea time she phone whilst we were eating to ask for someone to bring her washing basket downstairs. I said we were eating but someone would come over later. How urgent is washing in a house with no children/infirm people? She phoned back 20 mins later as she thought we might have knocked her door and she hadn't heard. I was quite abrupt with her telling her we were still eating, but couldn't it wait til one of DD's came home.? 'o well DD2 will be home in a couple of hours- OK' Bet she did it herself by throwing it down the stairs :(

So she knows how I feel (we don't fall out over it - she frequently crys on my shoulder over their behaviour but as someone ^^ says - it's a rod she's made, she has to 'fix' it - but she can't seem to.

I can't let her struggle but it does make us cross/sad :(

OP posts:
ratspeaker · 25/03/2012 16:12

The daughters have probably no idea that their mum is asking neighbours to come across and put the quilts back upstairs, they come in, its done.
Net curtains need hanging, they go out, come in, its done.

Next time she needs to say bring down the covers and sheets or better still leave it for the adults she shares a house with to strip and wash their own bedding - that's what I do btw, their rooms their choice.

ZZZenAgain · 25/03/2012 16:15

but doesn't she want them to move out at some stage and be able to run their own households. What if they are to become mothers one day and have to look after themselves and others? They need to get to grips with things.

I know you aren't comfortable but I think you need to be firm and say no, X, we won't do this kind of thing anymore, you must insist your dds do it.

GravyAndALumpyMashBaby · 25/03/2012 16:19

It may sound harsh but TBH the next time she calls and asks you to do something, go and do it, then tell her she will haver to ask her DD's/their partners/IL's form now on. Tell her they are capable of helping her around the home and unfortunately you are busy with your own family. She has made them like this.

Other peoples families are not your problem.
Be there for her to chat about them of course. But don't do their work for them. She's their mum, not yours!

GravyAndALumpyMashBaby · 25/03/2012 16:21

MeanMom You are not letting her struggle! Her DD's are!

Mrsjay · 25/03/2012 16:25

gravy is right her dds are letting her struggle , could you maybe go and do a Job for her when her daughters are Home , say she phones you and asks for whatever wait until her daughters are home and go over , Do they know that their mum is asking you they sound mean spirited and just spoiled and need to move out of their mothers house IMO .

Original poster
MeanMom · 25/03/2012 16:25

They know ratspeaker - we've gone over to do things before now only to find one or other is there - the instance when I had row with DD1 she came in from work when I was there so I said 'o DD's here now she can do it' (I was supposed to going out with own DD) - friends DD said she couldn't because she had to go out to shop (with her DP) We had a 'chat' as I didn't see why I should do it (big job) if DD there, I had to do something for my own family but I knew if I left my friend would try and do it and hurt herself. DD said she would do it after she went to shop eventually,but I know she was still out when I went out 45mins later and in that time my friend would have struggled and done it. :(

OP posts:
G1nger · 25/03/2012 16:30

You are wrong to be angry at her daughters. They're her problem. She is your problem. But only because you keep saying yes.

Miggsie · 25/03/2012 16:34

All three of sound pretty awful...they are shamelessly taking advantage of you and your husband. You should tell all three of them to get lost. Then they might do something for themselves, or find another mug to do it all.

fedupofnamechanging · 25/03/2012 16:34

I certainly don't think you should be prioritising her jobs, over the plans you made with your own dd. Whether you mean to or not, you are enabling all this, to some degree. Her kids are taking the piss out of her, but she is taking the piss out of you!

Definitely time to back off and be less available. if she struggles to do these jobs herself, rather than deal with her kids, then more fool her.

I agree with the poster who said they'd be embarrassed to call their neighbour over all the time, to do jobs like carry duvets upstairs.

MadameChinLegs · 25/03/2012 16:37

If it were me, I would say to the lady (not the DDs) "I really do not mind helping you out with things that you need, dear friend, however it is beyond my comprehension that your two adult DDs are unable to do their own laundry or helo you out with jobs around the house. If you need something doing urgently, and your DDs are not in to help, I will of course pop in and help. But I am no longer able to help your DDs live this indulged lifestyle that you seem to let them get away with. I'm sorry if this offends you, but I find it hurtful of your DDs to be so lazy and cause you so much extra work".

ohmygosh123 · 25/03/2012 16:48

Being blunt, however nice she is, she is using you - I think you are far too nice and she is knowingly taking advantage of you. She should ask her children to help - it is not your problem - she knows she can get you to do it, so she isn't having the grown-up conversation she needs to have with her daughters. If she was living on her own and they weren't visiting, it would be quite normal for you to help her. And anyway, having a duvet downstairs is not the end of the world - she sounds like a fusspot to me. If she doesn't like it, then she can tell them to move out. Its her choice ...... but she should live with her choice, and not use you to do the jobs!

Birdsgottafly · 25/03/2012 17:25

You need to get the idea out of your head that she is in some way your responsibility. If she gets injured or struggles that is her choice, as an adult.

You need to back off, she may be one of those types who get an idea in her head and wants it doing there and then, wereby her DD's do have the right to have leisure time and housework can be quite easily fitted in when there are three healthy adults in the house, when it suits everyone.

What was the "big job" that was important enough to stop her DD fromspending time with her boyfriend.

The incident with the washing is ridiculous, perhaps she needs to realise that she needs to re-think her household routine.

Whilst you are enabling this, it will continue.

I think that you have stopped seeing them all as adults in their own right.