Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I know I ABU but please, please help :-(

30 replies

bigshinydinosaur · 25/03/2012 07:15

Background......my son has just started seeing his father. He is almost 6. His Dad got in touch via Facebook and has had him overnight last night for the first time. They are both getting on great and my son is really benefiting from it all.

I am not handling it very well at all. I am very anxious about the whole situation but can't quite pinpoint why I am. I have been messaging his Dad a lot each day either by text or via Facebook really long messages just pouring my heart out about why I'm
finding it so hard.

We had a chat yesterday when I dropped him off and I felt better for a while but then last night I had major anxiety and ended up phoning his Dad in tears and waffling on for about 15 minutes. After repeating himself several times he ended up saying he was going and saud goodbye.

I have no idea what my problem is at al. His Dad has answered all my questions and queries but I have no idea how to get rid of this huge anxiety/worry that I have.

Ruling my life at the moment and making me very miserable :-(

OP posts:
DelGirl · 25/03/2012 07:24

why was off the scene before? And for how long?

Original poster
bigshinydinosaur · 25/03/2012 07:26

My son is nearly 6 an his Dad only got in touch recently. He realised recently that he'd really messed up by not seeing him for all these years.

OP posts:
LittleEsmeWeatherwax · 25/03/2012 07:30

What's you're worry OP?
What exactly is usetting you about the whole situation?

Thingiebob · 25/03/2012 07:33

It does sound like an anxiety inducing situation.
Maybe just take one visit at a time and once you get used to the new arrangements, the anxiety will probably dissipate.

ilikecandyandrunning · 25/03/2012 07:36

Has he been paying towards your son? You need to ensure he is doing this before allowing access?

Original poster
bigshinydinosaur · 25/03/2012 07:37

Thank you for replying.

I can't pinpoint my worry :-( I'm thinking maybe it's because I'm so angry with his Dad still. Whenever I drop him off I'm like this. We had a very long chat when I dropped him off yesterday evening and I explained everything I'm feeling.

I think I'm seeking this massive reassurance from his Dad and looking for him to put things right for me......but it has to come from me.

I am desperate to stop worrying but don't know how :-(

OP posts:
LittleEsmeWeatherwax · 25/03/2012 07:42

Look at this rationally OP.
You've had your son's undivided attention for 6 years. It's bound to cause you distress knowing that he's getting to know his other parent (and one that deserted him and you all those years back, for that matter, so lots of emotions attached to this).

How long has he been back on the scene?
Who is calling the shots here?

If it were me in your position, I'd be taking things slowly slowly - for all your sakes. Complete baby steps. YOU call the shots here because you must consider your own feelings too. I know you're putting your son first, and that's amazing of you, but you're a part of this situation too.

Does that make any sense?

LittleEsmeWeatherwax · 25/03/2012 07:43

x posted OP.

When his Dad left, were you and him together? Did he leave you as well as his son?

Original poster
bigshinydinosaur · 25/03/2012 07:45

Im calling the shots here and we have taken it slowly.

I still feel so angry at him but he's answered all my queries and questions yet I'm seeking this massive reassurance from him to make me feel better.

I SO want to get over this :-(((

OP posts:
MyNameIsntFUCKINGWarren · 25/03/2012 07:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
bigshinydinosaur · 25/03/2012 07:47

We werent together when my son was conceived. It had become a casual thing at that point.

OP posts:
Original poster
bigshinydinosaur · 25/03/2012 07:52

He's been back in contact for a month now and we've led up to this point.

I didn't want to go down the court route.

This has been such a good thing for my son and he's really benefitting from it.

It's just me feeling anxious about it all the time, it's ruling my life:-(

OP posts:
Flightty · 25/03/2012 07:59

First off you can't get reassurance from him. He's the wrong person. I think it's a kind of 'Stockholm syndrome' when you become attached to the person who has hurt you big time, and instead of showing them how angry you are, you turn to them to reassure you,

it's familiar to me, anyway. You need to get your emotions away from him, keep them separate from him and organise some emergency counselling for yourself through your GP. (they can provide this). Meanwhile slow it right down. I'm amazed that your son has stayed overnight already with a man he only just met.

my ex got in touch, well, we met again after 6 years and hehas seen ds only with me there, never had him overnight so far and we started this over a year ago. ds hardly knows him yet.

I think you're anxious because you're flying by the seat of your pants and haven't had a chance to adjust...so I imagine that your ds is also feeling a bit overwhelmed. How can you not be angry with a man who was never there for either of you?

Try to talk to someone OTHER than him in real life and don't feel like it has to be a 'good thing' for everyone because it will naturally be a mixture of good, sad, unsure, anxious and angry feelings that come up. For all of you.

Talking to him to a degree is good but not when it's clearly more than he is able to deal with, because he cannot provide the reassurance that you require.

Hope that makes sense, I know exactly where you're coming from x

LittleEsmeWeatherwax · 25/03/2012 08:05

A month is no time at all.

As MyName says, not even a court would decide upon an overnight stay, so why should you?

You don't have to stop things, but slow things down. Letting him stay overnight is rather jumping in too quickly I feel. You owe this man nothing, it's up to him to win your trust here. He doesn't have automatic rights to play Dad the moment he walks back into your son's life.

I'm not saying that you need animosity here, nor to start any legal proceedings here, but instead of getting over-wrought and anxious with this man, perhaps you need to calmly pinpoint your anxieties and tell him that he cannot start playing dad because he's had a sudden change of heart. He will most certainly build up to being a good Dad if he continues to win your trust and your sons trust, but these things take time.

LittleEsmeWeatherwax · 25/03/2012 08:07

x-posted again with Flightty. Am such a slow typist!

I agree with everything Flightty says - she puts it better than I can Smile

Flightty · 25/03/2012 08:30

Oh I don't know Esme. I'm half asleep...it's only 7.30 according to all the clocks here and I'm going with that Grin

AgentProvocateur · 25/03/2012 08:36

Is it the speed things are going at? An overnight when your son's known him less than a month is quite fast - especially as your son is so young. Was that your idea or your son's dad's idea?

Maybe you just need to slow things down and build confidence in him first. Remember you are in charge.

Proudnscary · 25/03/2012 08:39

I totally understand your anxiety and your conflicted, confused feelings.

I actually would not have allowed an overnight stay this early - you really don't have to agree to that.

It's great your son's dad is finally stepping up to the plate but he has not got a good track record in responsibility and consistency regarding your ds so I think it's absolutely natural to feel cautious.

Original poster
bigshinydinosaur · 25/03/2012 09:34

Flightty, you're spot on.

Things are going great between him and his Dad which is why I allowed the overnight stay. I just know he's not going to let his son down, can sense it.

I am a very anxious person anyway and this has just overwhelmed completely!!!!

:-(

OP posts:
AwkwardMary · 25/03/2012 09:38

I think your feelings are perfectly natural and if I were you I would listen to my instincts and tell my ex that the next overnight stay will be in another months time....explain that you are happy with DS seeing him and glad they are forming a relationship but you want to introduce the vernights more slowly...and eventually may they can be weekly...BUT NOT YET....bless you, I think you've been very strong.

ErikNorseman · 25/03/2012 09:48

I think you are anxious because you don't feel right about it, you don't know if you can trust and rely on him to stick around. You want reassurance from him that he will but he can't give you that! Only time will give you that. A month is nothing and I think you are possibly allowing your son's happiness at havig a dad around, and ex's enthusiasm for parenting (where did that come from after 6 years??) to carry you to a level of contact you aren't comfortable with.

It is perfectly fine to make ex prove himself before allowing such a lot of contact. In fact it is the right thing to do for your son. Is this level of contact sustainable, given that ex has gone from no parenting to a full on relationship with a fully formed person? If not, then pull back now before your son gets hurt. Don't stop contact by any means but a day per fortnight should be about right at this stage IMO.

Original poster
bigshinydinosaur · 25/03/2012 10:06

Thanks everyone xx

OP posts:
doctordwt · 25/03/2012 10:25

A month, and he has him overnight?

No wonder you're anxious.

You would be fully justified in saying to him - I want to take it slower. You're a stranger to us - it will take time. This is your doing - your choice to stay away - you don't get to waltz back in and within a month get treated like a trusted parent.

That kind of trust HAS to be earned. He hasn't, yet. Good that you're fully supporting contact - but I don't think he should be having overnights etc. until YOU, the parent who has had to take full responsibility all these years, is HAPPY with the situation because you trust him.

You are anxious because you don't trust him yet because you don't KNOW him yet! And neither does your son! That's prefectly reasonable.

Tell him that there needs to be a lot more joint time spent together before you will be happy with overnights, you see that now. And although your son seems happy - all this happening this fast isn't really going to be great for him, either. It will be quite anxiety-inducing for him too, even if he's not showing it and is also excited about his dad, etc.

If his dad intends to truly now be around for the long term, he should be fine with this. Tell him that a more solid foundation needs building, instead of an instant all-singing all-dancing relationship.

If he questions this, it's a red flag as to the kind of commitment he intends to make.

doctordwt · 25/03/2012 10:29

Oh and don't be made to feel guilty. Not wanting things to progress fast is NOT the same as being obstructive.

If this were me, I would want things taken VERY slowly... far slower than this... not because I was afraid he would disappear again (though that's also possible) - it would be more that I wouldn't want someone as important as HIS DAD making his entrance in such a superficial, instant-best-mates way - I would want it to be taken more seriously, more slowly, made to feel deeply signficant. I would want his dad introduced gradually, for him to slowly immerse into being a part of the family. Do you see what I mean?

BoffinMum · 25/03/2012 10:35

You two made a baby once, so you must have got on at some point, even briefly. Wink

I would be inclined to ask your DS's father to go out for a meal with you as an opportunity for doing some future planning - get a babysitter for your DS - and without bawling your eyes out at the table, just express the fact that you are pleased things are going well, but that there are some quite natural churning emotions going on at your end and he might need to tread a bit gently for a while to allow you to get used to the new situation. Then smile and say again how pleased you are he's involved in your DS's life.

He sounds like a decent chap who's had a bit of a road to Damascus moment, you are the mother of his son, and I am sure he will want to do right by both of you.

If you can get on nicely and arrange things between you in a way that makes you both reasonably happy, it's masses better than getting legal, seriously. Many people do.