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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be honest with my friend when she speaks about her dangerously overweight dd?

47 replies

pingu2209 · 24/03/2012 22:20

A friend of mine has a 5 year old dd in reception. All 5 year olds see a nurse to be weighed, have hearing and sight checked etc. My friend's dd is very overweight, pretty much as bad as the American toddlers you see on shock extremist documentaries.

I have never said anything to my friend regarding her dd's weight. It is nothing to do with me.

However, the recent nurses visit has resulted in a formal letter asking my friend to go to a dietician appointment and a further nurses appointment. She is worried as she doesn't know what to do about her dd. She knows she is overweight but my friend, her husband and her other 4 dc are all of normal weight.

She has asked to pop round for a chat about it when I am next free for advice before the appointment.

However, I feel very uncomfortable about being honest with her. The reality is that her dd has been strange around food, especially unhealthy food pretty much since she was started on solids. She sneaks food and eats mass volumes at meal times.

The last time I was around there was at breakfast time (picking up her ds for football), her dd was eating a bowl of cereal from a glass mixing bowl. Another time she had snuck into the kitchen when we were in the lounge and raided the cubboards to find the homemade victoria sponge her mum had made earlier - she was sat on the floor having eaten the whole cake with her hands. Her mum said that she has been called in to school because her dd takes the food off other children's plates at lunch time.

The thing is her mum and dad think that this behaviour is funny and they laugh about it. When they were called into the school my friend told loads of people in the playground as she thought it was hallarious, she doesn't seem to see that it isn't normal behaviour.

OP posts:

DamnBamboo · 24/03/2012 22:22

She needs to see a dietician and perhaps a paediatric endocrinologist.

This is vey sad behaviour for a small child.

AKMD · 24/03/2012 22:23

If she is asking you for advice then YANBU to be honest. If what she actually wants is someone to nod and agree with her and say how shocking it is that she's being treated like this then you can always say no to going round.

DeepThought · 24/03/2012 22:26

Don't get into a deep convo - just say ''wait til you see what the dietician says''

When you say you want to Be Honest - what do you mean?

Original poster

pingu2209 · 24/03/2012 22:27

AKMD - I have a feeling that she wants to moan about the nanny state etc and that it is nobodys business etc. I don't think anyone has been honest with her regarding her dd's weight and behaviour.

What is sad is that she can't run around, she is just too big. Her thighs are so big that her feet can't be together with her legs straight and she has no jaw line, just one big chin/neck.

OP posts:

DeepThought · 24/03/2012 22:27

I agree that an endocrinologist might well be involved

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 24/03/2012 22:27

It doesn't sound like you will have to be brutally honest with her if she is having to go to appointments about it. You can just be sympathetic and as supportive as you can be, let the professionals spell it out to her.

LydiaWickham · 24/03/2012 22:27

I'd suggest being honest. Sometimes you have to be cruel to a parent to be kind to the child. Then be supportive and suggest she gets to see a dietician, it's not like you can give her good advice.

The parents might think the behaviour is funny now, they won't for long. Best it's dealt with earlier rather than later.

ChippingInNeedsCoffee · 24/03/2012 22:28

Pingu :(

She clearly has a serious problem & hopefully she will get the help she needs before she gets any older.

As to what you should say... it's hard isn't it. I think you should be honest - as gently as you can be. I had to do a similar thing this week and it was really really hard. I also went to the hospital appt with my friend and had to speak up when we were in there too as she was claiming her DD can do things that she really can't and was downplaying the problem (as she feels responsible/guilty) - but unless they know the truth they can't help Sometimes, as a friend, you have to do what is right and not just what is nice :( Can you go with her?

Original poster

pingu2209 · 24/03/2012 22:28

Deep Thought - I don't want to be honest - I want to chicken out.

However, I feel like I am being a moral coward not saying something and that the little girl needs someone to say something honest as it may end up saving her life in the long term.

OP posts:

purpleroses · 24/03/2012 22:29

YANBU - and it would be wrong not to do your best to encourage your friend to confront the issue. You need to judge where she is at the moment, and how best to move her to where she needs to be. But you need to help her to take this opportunity to get the help she clearly needs for her DD. Time for her to wake up.

Tortington · 24/03/2012 22:30

you can't possibly criticise a friends parenting and expect to remain friends

the kid is addicted to sugar.

if anything you could say " glad that she will be getting some help, as you know how cruel kids will be as she gets older"

JustHecate · 24/03/2012 22:30

Look, if she's coming round to talk to you about it - then talk. She wants to talk about it with you so she's inviting your input. If she's coming to you with it - what on earth is the point in being less than honest?

If her daughter is compulsively eating and never feeling full, then she needs to be examined. There are conditions that can cause that.

But your friend needs to stop thinking it's funny. It's not. Regardless why the child is eating like this, the parents need to do something. They need to see what it is that people outside the situation are seeing.

ABigGirlDoneItAndRanAway · 24/03/2012 22:31

Could the child possibly have Prader-Willi syndrome? She needs professional help and your friend needs to be willing to support her to be more healthy, you should be honest with her.

MaryMotherOfCheeses · 24/03/2012 22:32

Honest and supportive.

It's going to be hard for them if they don't realise the problem, and see it as funny, but what do you do? Laugh along with them?

FetchezLaVache · 24/03/2012 22:35

Just guessing here- are you an HCP? Is that why she's so keen to secure your input?

mockingjay · 24/03/2012 22:35

Agree with other posters, doesn't sound like you'll have to do much other than listen and support. If you're close friends, perhaps she wants to ask if you'll go to the appointment with her (if her OH is unable)? Or maybe you could offer to do this if you think the appointment is likely to be a big shock.

When she comes for the chat, I would treat the appointment as a very positive thing. The first step in solving a problem. If she insists there isn't one, then point out she can prove it by going to the appointment and getting the all-clear.

Also I seriously doubt she really thinks those behaviours are funny. She probably feels she needs to make some kind of comment in a public/social situation, and doesn't want to get upset. If you had four normal-weight kids, and one seriously overweight one, you can't really be that blinkered. And you would definitely be worried.

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 24/03/2012 22:39

Let her pop round for a chat.
Let her talk.
If she asks you for advice, then give it. But she might not ask.
Because TBH she knows her DD is overweight /obese from the way you describe her.If she claims she doesn't then she is in denial.

But she certainly needs help.Something is amiss either medically and/or behaviour wise if the rest of the family are normal weight.

But I don't think she'd thank you if you pointed out the blaringly obvious.She must get comments every time she walks down the street.

maras2 · 24/03/2012 22:40

Ahhh poor little girl.Sorry no advice but just be there for your friend.On saying that,I'm not a psychologist but have heard of something called Prader Willi syndrome,when children just can't stop eating.

CelstialNavigation · 24/03/2012 22:41

Prader-Willi Syndrome or similar was what came to my mind too. A dietitian alone is very unlikely to be of sufficient use if there is an underlying issue IME.

Rather than wait for an appointment with a dietitian, and further referral, I would advise your friend to go to GP and describe the child's behaviour around food.

If doesn't sound like a purely behavioural issue as its so extreme. If its a condition like Prader-Willi it needs to be caught asap.

FrozenNorthPole · 24/03/2012 22:43

It sounds like a very difficult situation. Is your friend going to attend the scheduled appointments? Do you know whether the family GP is involved, or is there a paeds referral i.e. is the nurse appointment one based in paed outpatients? Does she ever eat non-nutritive substances e.g. toothpaste, do you know?

This little girl's behaviour suggests hyperphagia, but there's not enough information to suggest its origin. Given the normal weight of the rest of the family and her young age it does sound suspicious of something that is at least partially physiological. I would hope she will receive genetic, endocrinologic and metabolic testing, and I would also hope that the family will be seen by a clinical psychologist. As long as your friend engages with the professionals, and as long as the right care pathway is followed, you may find that you need do nothing other than be a source of support. It may be that things are taken more seriously behind closed doors, but that her parents take the subject lightly in public - hard to know. I do hope that things turn out well for them

eurochick · 24/03/2012 22:44

I'd say something about it being good that she can find out if there is a medical reason and get help if there is. That is not criticising her parenting whilst acknowledging that there is a problem (and from what you say it is pretty much impossible to pretend there isn't!).

CointreauVersial · 24/03/2012 22:44

If your friend brings up the subject then I absolutely think you should be honest. She sounds like she is totally in denial. But the little lass definitely needs some help.

galwaygirl · 24/03/2012 22:46

I was also going to ask about Prader-Willi, how is her muscle tone? Is she a bit uncoordinated/floppy?
DH's niece has PW and needed to be tube-fed when she was born due to
Poor muscle control but maybe this girl had a milder form? The sneaking food etc def sounds familiar...

MrsBeakman · 24/03/2012 22:48

I would probably just say to the friend that it is best to get her checked out just in case there is a problem. Always best to set your mind at rest etc. I thought of Prader Willi syndrome too. It does sound like there could be something medically wrong if the rest of the family are normal weight. She definitely needs to see someone.

galwaygirl · 24/03/2012 22:48

DH's sister has to lock the cupboards or his DN will steal food, she literally cannot stop herself.

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