To be honest with my friend when she speaks about her dangerously overweight dd?

[pingu2209]

A friend of mine has a 5 year old dd in reception. All 5 year olds see a nurse to be weighed, have hearing and sight checked etc. My friend's dd is very overweight, pretty much as bad as the American toddlers you see on shock extremist documentaries.

I have never said anything to my friend regarding her dd's weight. It is nothing to do with me.

However, the recent nurses visit has resulted in a formal letter asking my friend to go to a dietician appointment and a further nurses appointment. She is worried as she doesn't know what to do about her dd. She knows she is overweight but my friend, her husband and her other 4 dc are all of normal weight.

She has asked to pop round for a chat about it when I am next free for advice before the appointment.

However, I feel very uncomfortable about being honest with her. The reality is that her dd has been strange around food, especially unhealthy food pretty much since she was started on solids. She sneaks food and eats mass volumes at meal times.

The last time I was around there was at breakfast time (picking up her ds for football), her dd was eating a bowl of cereal from a glass mixing bowl. Another time she had snuck into the kitchen when we were in the lounge and raided the cubboards to find the homemade victoria sponge her mum had made earlier - she was sat on the floor having eaten the whole cake with her hands. Her mum said that she has been called in to school because her dd takes the food off other children's plates at lunch time.

The thing is her mum and dad think that this behaviour is funny and they laugh about it. When they were called into the school my friend told loads of people in the playground as she thought it was hallarious, she doesn't seem to see that it isn't normal behaviour.

You say she knows she is overweight, and she doesn't know what to do. Now someone else has endorsed the view that she is overweight and is offering help.

She rest is all just anxiety-covering stuff she's doing in order to avoid the worry of it., as mockingjay says.

I'd just say that it's good that the school is offering to get her help with her eating issues.

I won't admit that I think her dd is extremely overweight, I will ask her what she thinks of her dd's weight. See where that takes the conversation. In the past she says that her dd takes after her dh as she is heavy set - which he is, but he isn't overweight - just a bigger build.

Her dd only eats food - not non food stuffs.

Her dd does eat massive portions, she eats a large adults portion. However, she is constantly cruising for sugary/carb foods. When all our children are together I serve out crisps and biscuits etc into separate bowls so that her dd doesn't eat more than her share.

Her behaviour is extreme in other ways, not just food. She is 'into' everything. If you leave her alone at all in a room she will rifle through all the drawers and cupboards. You can't even leave her alone when she goes to the loo as she is into all the creams and lotions, pouring them everywhere.

She went round one friend's house (who now utterly refuses to have her back). She went upstairs to the loo, afterwards snuck into the parent's bedroom, found all the face cream and makeup and drew lipstick all over the walls and windows, painted nail varnish in lines across the windowsil and took large handfuls of expensive face cream and left it in the mother's shoes. The woman went banana's but my friend laughed as she thought it was funny - except her daughter had just turned 4 at the time so she wasn't a toddler.

I didn't realise it was odd?

I'm fine.

YANBU. There is obviously something wrong with the child, either psychologically or physically, and, as the rest of the family is normal weight, there is nothing wrong with your friend's parenting. Reassure her of that but be honest about the extent of her daughter's problem.

Friends have had to talk to me about my severely underweight daughter. Although uncomfortable and upsetting I do think it's important. As the parent of the problem child you jsut want to bury your head in the sand and sometimes need a good, supportive friend to drag it out for you!

Agree with everyone else, be led by her but don't join her in any attempts to make light of it.

Is the child slow? Often Prader Willi kids are. I thought it was mostly boys who had PW, think I will read up on it.

what do you mean by ''slow'' please?

Your friend just laughed when her DD trashed someone's bedroom?

I know what you mean about some kids being more "fiddly-fingered" than others, but it wouldn't be a laughing matter if my 4yo was involved.

I think it's a good idea of yours to just let her talk, to try to remain non-committal.

Oh I hate it when I'm put in situations like this! Her reluctance to deal with her daughter's health is impacting on so many people.

I suspect either - neglect by the parents (to ensure their child eats a suitable amount of food and boundaries in place so she knows that messing with stuff isnt ok)
or a learning difficulty - prada willi syndrome? (my cousin has it so I know a bit about it)

Difficult position to be in. Sounds like your friend is in denial and so you need to be honest. Think of the dd. Worst case scenario is your friend underplays the situation with the hcps and delays getting the help they need. Btw agree it sounds like a medical rather than a parenting issue so your honesty doesn't need to sound like criticism or lack of support iykwim.

Is she the only dd in the family? I ask because it seems that her parents are indulging her for some reason. Most children when presented with a huge tin of chocolate or a big cake or big bag of crisps will eat far too much of it. My 2 year old DD could probably do some damage to a tub of ice cream if I let her. The point is of course that we don't, we limit the fatty/sugary foods she has.

If their dd is allowed to eat/do what she likes without repercussions then I am not surprised she is large and it is probably more to do with her parental attitudes than an issue within herself iyswim.

girls can have Prader-Willi

behav. traits sound very prader-willi (not trying to internet diagnose)

I won't admit that I think her dd is extremely overweight,

Why not, in a constructive way that will help the pair of them?

If she isn't getting honesty from family, then she should be able to count on her friends.

There will come a point that professionals will step in and do you want her to quote you, possibly in school and ask you to attend meetings with her, as support, because you also don't think that there is a problem?

I was going to suggest Prader?Willi too. The daughter of one of my clients has this syndrome.

I suggest you need to words things carefully, and take her lead. But you you definitely need to say, well actually, I do think your daughter is overweight and seeing some health professionals will help her. Talk about possible underlying medical problems, like her thyroid rather than criticising her parenting skills?

Maybe you dont need to talk, just listen?

Sounds to me the behaviour is so extreme that your friend knows what the "elephant in the room" (ie the thing no one is mentioning..the F word).. is..

Prader Willi came to my mind as soon as the OP said the parents and sibling were all of normal weight.

I think you need to advise your friend to ASK for genetic testing for this condition, as otherwise years could be wasted trying to "educate" the parents about their DD weight - if she has PW, a different, specialist, diet strategy is going to be needed.

The next time she jokes about it, look at her very seriously and say 'it's not funny'. It's child abuse to let a child become dangerously fat, she needs to grow the fuck up and take her child's issues seriously. She won't do that while everybody is smiling sweetly and keeping their thoughts about what a terrible mother she is to themselves. She is a terrible mother to find this worrying behaviour and the horrible consequences funny, she needs a kick up the arse every way she turns, stupid woman. Normal parents would be worried sick, not finding it highly entertaining.

Of course you should be diplomatic but do keep it serious. This child will suffer socially for her weight and more importantly is faced with lifelong health problems unless this situation is dealt with.

If everybody is honest with the parents, makes it clear that their attitude is unacceptable and dangerous to the little girl's health, with the back up of health professionals, this child may have a chance.

i think this little girl has some kind of underlying psychological/medical problem-her behaviour seems very odd to me.I am guessing the mum is behaving this way because she is out of her depth with this problem and doesn't know where to turn for fear of being judged.

The mother probably doesn't find it funny but is trying to put on a brave face as a result of the looks like this:> and she gets about her DD. Poor little girl. Obviously there is a medical condition here - this is not a case of the whole family eating too many chips.

I would say something like: "You know what [friend's name], I was listening to the radio and something came on about Prader Willi's syndrome and that really sounded like DD, have you ever considered it?". Encourage her to see the dietician and chase up appointments for her DD.

As soon as I read the OP - before even scrolling down it SCREAMED Prader Willi
a kid in DS s year (now held back a year ) has it
and luckily he was diagnosed almost at birth due to dire muscle tone
BUT some poor people do not get recognised till much later
year R is early enough to help the kid properly