"why do people come out as gay? i didnt come out as straight"

[skittlesandpringles]

AIBU to ask that people give this sentence a moments consideration before they actually say or write it?

Do you socialise in a gay majority group, work in a gay majority business or live in an area where most people are gay or lesbian? If not then you didn't HAVE to come out as straight because it would have been assumed, either straight off or whenever you mention your other half, kids etc.

Gay people live in a straight majority world. We HAVE to come out if we want to be honest with people. Coming out doesn't have to involve a neon sigh flashing hooray I'm gay, but eg references to tour other half which use the pronoun or name, and we basically have to do it every time we meet a stranger in a relevent context. if you don't have a partner you may have to make your coming out more explicit.

I've tried not doing it, because "it want important". Believe me it creates issues later on because either you carry on lying or have to let people know at a later stage when the fact that you didn't tell them earlier is itself a bigger deal.

please please just think about the fact that people who are in minoritys have different experiences of the world and your personal view isn't necessarily transferable. I've never lived on benefits so I wouldn't tell people who do about how I save soo much money growing organic veg on my allotment. its a similar courtesy.

Why? Who said or wrote it?

Look into the history of homosexuality.
Only in the last 30 or so years has it been seen as 'normal' ( and that's being generous.)
People have come a long way and there is a long way to go.

I do find it an odd way of thinking. Heterosexual is the 'default option' if you like, so no need to specify.

I think that maybe it's a poor way of saying that sexuality shouldn't matter - and to be fair it doesn't (or more accurately shouldn't) - but if you don't come out then people make assumptions and I can see why it would be harder further down the line.

A couple of people on the nursery thread, and various other threads ive seen over the last few months. And more generally loads of people IRL. I'm not intending to have a go at anyone in particular, just encourage a little more awareness generally. It does get very tiresome to hear and read.

Syed and stranded, well said and much better than I managed!

Oh right, I would have thought everything in your OP is completely obvious but then I didn't see the other threads.

To be honest, and in my experience it is mainly a youth thing.

When you are growing up you a need to be defined, and you define yourself by how you define your friends, and differences and similarities are important.

I find that when you become and adult, and move in adult circles it does not really matter, and nobody cares whether you are gay or straight, or a vegetarian, or Muslim or Jewish. Not so much. Who cares if John in accounts is sleeping with Selma or Peter. Or if Jane is in love with Peter or Selma. People are defined by so much more than their sexuality. The books they read, the profession they are in, whether they are a parent or not, etc. As an adult, it is not so much about "coming out", it is just a question of how you refer to a partner.

Like the other day at a dinner, my friend John was talking about his sister Linda. And as part of the conversation, he said, Linda and her partner Sue.
Or I was on a plane recently, striking up a really interesting conversation with the woman next to me, and she was referring to her partner and her partners son, and how hard it was to up and move when you had a child in secondary. Off the plane, she introduced me to her partner, with a big bright smile, "This is my partner Eva".

So, it is an interesting question, why the need to "come out". Why the need to put a name to your differences and similarities?

I think these days, unless you are young and need to open up about this part of you to your friends and parents, it is not so much coming out, but mentioning the gender of your partner in passing.

I have seen very few examples of homophobia, maybe because I grew up with many gay friends, male and female, and also know people who have done sex changes. To me, the whole mix of sexualities was the norm, rather than heterosexuality.

I teach in a very left wing liberal school. A fairly significant number of our students have two moms they live with. In fact, On looking at the numbers of parents where mom and dad use different last names, or have different addresses, or there are two moms and maybe a dad listed or any other combination you can think of, less than Hal our students have parents who are of the 'Mr and Mrs' variety.

So I am very careful not to make any assumptions.

Dd has some babysitters who are two women. She hasn't yet worked out what that means.

I have a friend who was angry about coming out for this very reason- he didn't want to have to stand up and announce his sexuality, he just wanted to get on with his life; not in secret, he had nothing to hide, but without an announcement.

I see his point.

I would like society to get to a point where homosexuality was so accepted that an announcement wasn't a necessity at all.

It reflects the fact that we live in a heterosexist society where many people just wrongly assume that everyone is straight.

I think I'm quite lucky. I work in a theatre and no-one bats an eyelid when same sex partners are introduced at parties and what-not. We would all think it was really odd if someone decided to "come out" as either gay or straight. I appreciate thats not everyones experience though.

Quintessential, introducing your same sex partner or mentioning their name IS coming out. A subtle way, appropriate to certain situations.

I don't need to put a name to my differences as it were but I sometimes feel a need to indicate my identity to people as lesbian, Jewish, liberal, lawyer, whatever. Other people might not care, but if they are discussing stuff which touches on one of those things I care if they are being ignorant or unfair or I might just want to add a point of personal experience.

Your right, and I'm lucky in not really encountering homophobia sexism whatever but denying or ignoring someone's very different experience related to their personal identity can constitute a bigotry.

"Quintessential, introducing your same sex partner or mentioning their name IS coming out. A subtle way, appropriate to certain situations. "

If so, then I suppose you are making a bigger deal out of it than it need to be. I never saw that as somebody "coming out to me" but having a normal conversation where it was appropriate to mention their partner, regardless of gender.

It really is not necessary to overthink it, I think.

It doesn't matter to me whether someone is gay, straight, bi, asexual, whatever. I don't need to know. I don't need anyone to announce their sexuality. If gender/name of partner is mentioned in passing then that's different.

YANBU

"introducing your same sex partner or mentioning their name IS coming out"

Um... no it isn't. Or at least if it is then straight people "come out" all the time.

Quint, it is not overthinking it. I am aware, whenever I mention my partner to someone I am not "out" to, that they may think it totally normal, or they may not. In my current job, one person has explained how god loves a sinner but hates the sin, another has asked if he can watch. These are people I have to continue to maintain a good working relationship with. It means next time my partner's gender crops up naturally, I will be very aware that I am outing myself and that I may be about to make a particular working relationship more difficult.

That's awful! I can't decide which response is worse.

I used to work with someone who we all knew was gay but not out. He lived with his partner, who he would being along to work socials sometimes as his "friend". I always thought that it was sad that he didn't feel comfortable enough to be honest. None of us ever broached the subject with him, as we didn't want to force his hand, and it was never spoken about openly. I suppose that we worked in a very dynamic environment, where there was a high turnover of people, so you never know who'll be coming along next and what their attitude might be. :(

Hmm, tricky one this.

From my own perspective, if someone refers to their partner by name and it's a same sex name or if they introduce their same sex partner to me then obviously I draw the conclusion that they are gay. Maybe that in itself is a prejudice, but I don't need it spelt out IYSWIM.

Now, my mum age 75 would be a different story, she'd take a bit longer to cotton on. She also comes from a generation which didn't experience an openly gay, hopefully more tolerant society.

It wouldn't bother her that a person was gay, but she'd definitely be counted on to say something like "well she's/ he's gay you know, but got such lovely teeth/manners/ hair". My close friend who is gay is a source of great interest to her, she like to make sure he's eating properly. God knows why.

I'm not writing this to say what's right and what's wrong, just to give two perspectives. I honestly hope that by the time DS reaches my age, none of the prejudices people face today will still be clinging on.

I have seen very few examples of homophobia

I wish i could say the same and even people who are not nasty about it, but say that they feel sorry for them, i encounter regulary.

I agree OP. In fact, I've been saying the same myself for years. If it's not a big deal don't make a big deal about it.

People don't "come out" as heterosexual because we're in a large majority. I can see why people may feel the need to "come out" as gay, if they're finding people are just assuming they are straight like it's some kind of "default".

enjoy my mum would be exactly the same - I find it quite upsetting. My parents also feel the need to clarify if someone has different skin color.

They assume that unless someone says otherwise that they are white/straight/male/their age/their opinions etc etc. So we would have things like 'xx, who has to use a walking stick, ...'

My mum would also feel the need to feed them as if being gay etc could somehow be 'cured' by having more food

So I get where the op is coming from.

recently I met two lovely ladies. They both live in the same house, but I was talking to them about work, so when one of them said 'my partner' I didn't know if they meant business-wise or romantically. I'm sure that if we manage to do some work together, I will find out, otherwise, it really isn't my business.

I turn into bloody basil fawlty, it's pathetic and I annoy the crap out of myself. If you're blind, I'll ask if you've seen a film, if you've one leg I'm sure I'd asked if you'd ever been caught on the hop.

I know 3 gay ladies and I always say something moronic, thankfully, they embrace my idiocy

I work in a call centre and when people refer to getting a quote to include their partner, I ask for their first name then surname, complete nightmare if it's Leslie/Lesley or Jamie etc.

I think I try so hard not to upset anyone that I over compensate. OP do you find this happens to you? (receiving end obviously)