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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to have let dh know I was annoyed? (housework issue)

42 replies

bushymcbush · 23/03/2012 20:11

We have a 3 yr old dd and a 12 day old premature dd2 in SCBU. As you can imagine, life is very hectic and tiring for both of us right now. I am spending as much time as I possibly can with dd2 in hospital, trying to establish bf-ing etc. Dh is working full time and caring for dd1 after work.

Dd1 was sent home from nursery yesterday with a bad cold, so dh took the day off work today to look after her. She doesn't feel ill, she is just coughing a lot and has a very runny nose. I have been at hospital all day. I rang him at lunchtime and he said they had been playing all morning and were going into town for lunch. Fair enough.

I got home at 6.30 to find every room in the house needed tidying, and he had done no laundry at all. (laundry basket overflowing due to how busy we both are right now). Dog hadn't been walked. There was also a huge stain on the sofa, which turned out to be spilled milk. I asked him what he'd cleaned it with- the answer was it was mopped up with paper towels . So I spent an hour tidying and cleaning and putting washing on before I sat down. And I walked the dog. Meanwhile he is sitting at the computer faffing, making no attempt to start cooking dinner.

So I said "Are you deliberately trying to piss me off?" to which he gave me the face. So I explained why I was pissed off. He just looked angry and started stomping around making dinner.

Was I BU to tell him he could've done something useful in the house today? I honestly don't know if I should be apologising.

OP posts:

Bestb411pm · 23/03/2012 20:19

It depends what he has been doing I suppose, fwiw I don't think you need to apologise but I'm not convinced he does either, you're both having an obviously shit time and need to allow each other to vent a little without it turning in to all out war.

Is it worth having a conversation with him about the bare minimum that needs to be done and when you can both squeeze in a little time for yourselves.

mumblechum1 · 23/03/2012 20:19

I think you are both under a massive strain and that yes, your dh should have at least put some washing in and tidied the kitchen but in your circs I'd be outsourcing quite a bit, either get a cleaner in to blitz the place one of the days next week then do a couple of hours every other day, or ask a relative to lend a hand.

pjmama · 23/03/2012 20:19

I think I'd have been a bit cheesed off too if I'd come home to that. Fair enough he was looking after a 3yo so you wouldn't expect it to be spotless, but he could have made a passing attempt to tidy up as he went along.

I find with my DH, specific instructions work best (which sounds patronising, but believe me it's the only approach in 16 years I've found that works!). He just doesn't seem to SEE what needs doing, so I have to just ask him to do what I want him to do.

Gumby · 23/03/2012 20:21

You're both beyond stressed
Could one of your parents come & stay & help out with dd and general housework stuff

AgentZigzag · 23/03/2012 20:21

Ordinarily I might agree it's something that you maybe should bring up with him, but with having your DD2 in hospital, give yourselves a break and fuck the housework

Normal 'rules' don't apply because getting through this time when your DDs need you both and you both need each other, is the aim of the game.

Hope everything goes well with your baby, have you any idea how long the little mite has to be kept in?

diddiehunter · 23/03/2012 20:22

firstly, congrats on ur new little one!

yes i can see why you are stressed. it must b a really hard time for you all right now. i have no experience of leaving a baby in SCBU and quite honestly, the idea terrifies me! as a mum to three kiddies though, i know how annoying and frustrating it is that your busy doing whatever it is, away from home and to find the dh crashed out on the sofa and literally hasnt lifted a finger! ooooh that does grate my gears, my dh did that only yesterday.................
BUT, is it REALLY important that the house is perfect right now? given both of you having a stressful time and other important commitments? he took your older child out for a bit of one to one time, could have been what she needed too, i can imagine that time is rather precious for u all atm?
seriously, housework will still be there tomorrow!!:)

candr · 23/03/2012 20:23

I constantly live in hope thay DH will see jobs that need doing and do them without being told but he never does and then gets stroppy if I get stressed with him saying all I had to do was let him know they needed doing. I think we just need to realise that some men will never view housework, days at home (off work) and playtime (going out to do jobs or being 'helped' by LO) the same as us.
I just still REALLY want him to do it without being told cause the house would be a shit pit if I had his attitude.
I hope your baby is ok, you are under more stress than normal and should be allowed to vent at him.

ArtexMonkey · 23/03/2012 20:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

bushymcbush · 23/03/2012 21:51

Thanks for your replies.

I think I feel particularly strongly about keeping the house nice at the moment because we are about to bring our new baby home - next week probably - and I want the house ready, clean etc.

I remember when I was in hospital after having dd1, dh asked me what I wanted doing at home. I said to just make sure it's clean and tidy ready for the baby coming home. He said fine. It wasn't clean or tidy when we got home, and I haven't forgotten my disappointment. I didnt say anything to him at the time. I want to get it right this time.

OP posts:

Tee2072 · 23/03/2012 21:54

Why does the house need to be clean and tidy for the baby? It certainly won't notice and I think you're just adding stress to your life to expect your husband to do that.

What you need to do is take care of yourself and your older daughter so your new baby can come home to a happy family.

And congratulations!

CrystalsAreCool · 23/03/2012 22:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

startail · 23/03/2012 22:04

As tee says the baby won't notice the mess a 3 year old won't care about mess. DHs don't notice mess. Relax and enjoy your new baby.

Although I agree milk needs to be cleaned up and laundry done, scowls at DH, who forgot this morning.

Snakeonaplane · 23/03/2012 22:14

For the first 2 months after dd was born, dh breathing annoyed me go easy and pick your battles, if your older dd had fun then I'd probably let it slide. Your both having a tough time, new babies are stressful enough withnout them being scbu.

Congratulations on your new baby, I hope she's home soon.

JustHecate · 23/03/2012 22:26

I think you need to give each other a break.

Housework doesn't matter. Be kind to yourselves.

undercoverPrincess · 23/03/2012 22:29

Oh dear. Men just don't see these jobs or this mess unfortunately. Sad but true. Leave him a list or it won't happen....

AwkwardMary · 23/03/2012 22:33

God bless you all. Is there nobody to help at all? Someone should be in there...I can imagine me being like your DH in his position...I cope with stress by getting lazy.

hope you're all feeling ok and that you have a good nights sleep.

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 23/03/2012 22:35

I would be upset too. It wouldn't have taken that much effort/time for him to have washed a couple of loads of washing and done a quick tidy and hoover round.

naturalbaby · 23/03/2012 22:36

I totally get where you're coming from (cleaning/tidying is stress relief to me, I do it all day every day and freak out when DH leaves a room without tidying it)
but....if your DH just doesn't get it and is doing above and beyond what he normally does then he's not going to be able to do the housework to your standards on top of everything else.

what about just asking him to chuck everything into drawers/boxes/cupboards and get a one off cleaner as a treat to clean before you bring your baby home?

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 23/03/2012 22:41

I just don't 'get' all the 'men aren't used to housework' stuff, I really don't. It's not about him not doing housework to the OP's standard, it's about him doing nothing despite being home for a day whilst she was at the hospital with her baby. I think it's a poor show when someone can't even bung a load in the washing machine.

Surely if a grown adult is in their own home and it's looking a bit of a hovel then their common sense would say to clean and tidy it. It doesn't have to take long, it's not a complicated thing to do, it isn't a 'learned' skill and it isn't an ability that is unique to women.

AgentZigzag · 23/03/2012 22:44

It would depend on how hard his baby being in hospital has hit him Hexagonal.

I know it'd knock me for six and making sure the house is in tip top shape would be the last thing on my mind.

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 23/03/2012 22:48

I do understand your point AgentZigZag, however there are still a certain amount of things that need to be done in a home to ensure it's a hygienic, functioning home for his older DD. She will need clean clothes, meals prepared in a clean kitchen and for the house to be kept in a habitable state.

Yes it may have hit him hard but from what the OP says the baby is doing well and is coming home very soon. No doubt the Op is feeling stressed too but she seems to be managing to get things done when she is at home.

Snakeonaplane · 23/03/2012 22:57

I don't think it's about the man thing but I sort of think it's out of order for either partner to be pissedoff with the other over housework, I have a small baby at home so seats she takes up all of my time doing not much, I'd hate if dh came home with me and was cross because he thought I hadn't been doing anything. Obviously if I fid f all all of the time it may be different but as a one off and during such a stressful time I'd let it slide.

Snakeonaplane · 23/03/2012 22:57

Stupid autocorrect

AgentZigzag · 23/03/2012 23:00

I was just thinking of how these things can hit you after the event Hex, when the adrenaline has worn off and you've got time to take stock.

Excuses should be made for him because of the timing of it.

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 23/03/2012 23:00

I think it's disrespectful that he then sat at the computer when the OP got home and was happy to let her pick up the slack despite giving birth less than 2 weeks ago. I don't think it's out of order for either partner to be pissed off about housework if the other partner is being disrespectful towards them, which I feel the OP's husband was. She has said too that when she came home from hospital with their eldest he hadn't cleaned or tidied either. That IMO is lazy and disrespectful towards her. He clearly has form for doing bugger all in the house.

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