to have let dh know I was annoyed? (housework issue)

[bushymcbush]

We have a 3 yr old dd and a 12 day old premature dd2 in SCBU. As you can imagine, life is very hectic and tiring for both of us right now. I am spending as much time as I possibly can with dd2 in hospital, trying to establish bf-ing etc. Dh is working full time and caring for dd1 after work.

Dd1 was sent home from nursery yesterday with a bad cold, so dh took the day off work today to look after her. She doesn't feel ill, she is just coughing a lot and has a very runny nose. I have been at hospital all day. I rang him at lunchtime and he said they had been playing all morning and were going into town for lunch. Fair enough.

I got home at 6.30 to find every room in the house needed tidying, and he had done no laundry at all. (laundry basket overflowing due to how busy we both are right now). Dog hadn't been walked. There was also a huge stain on the sofa, which turned out to be spilled milk. I asked him what he'd cleaned it with- the answer was it was mopped up with paper towels . So I spent an hour tidying and cleaning and putting washing on before I sat down. And I walked the dog. Meanwhile he is sitting at the computer faffing, making no attempt to start cooking dinner.

So I said "Are you deliberately trying to piss me off?" to which he gave me the face. So I explained why I was pissed off. He just looked angry and started stomping around making dinner.

Was I BU to tell him he could've done something useful in the house today? I honestly don't know if I should be apologising.

So who is going to do the housework then if he is stressed, Agent? The OP? Even though she is stressed too. What if they cannot afford a cleaner and have no family nearby that are willing to help? He may be stressed but some things need to be done and it's unfair that the OP has to do everything. I find it quite odd and old fashioned that some are making excuses for her husband tbh

I don't mind being thought of as odd and old fashioned hex

I was just trying to be nice about the OPs DH without implying anyone thinking otherwise wasn't being nice

If I posted that I was struggling to keep on top of things (and the OP's not said how he normally is, or whether she thinks he's only just keeping his head above water) because of the reasons the OP's posted about, surely you wouldn't just tell me to keep my shit together and get on with it would you?

You sound like you need some help - what a difficult situation. Can you outsource at all? Whereabouts are you? Maybe there are dog walkers etc in your area.

But should the OP be expected to keep her shit together and do the things that are necessary on a daily basis then? Why is ok for the man to absolve himself of these things?

And she has said about how he normally is; she said that after having their first child she came home to a messy home that he hadn't cleaned.

I don't see it as a bloke thing, I see it as a person whose baby is in hospital thing, Hex.

Oh, and ywnbu but it might be less stressful for you both to agree to start again tomorrow. Whilst I would be hugely annoyed & upset at things not done & the expectation that I would do them, he obviously hasn't been having the easiest time either.

Cleaner, dog walker, launderette service washes, ready meals etc etc, whatever you can afford.

He is in the same situation as the OP then AgentZigzag Yet she is still managing to do basic chores and walk the dog.

As I said before, who is going to do the essential day to day chores necessary for the wellbeing of their older daughter such as essential laundry and maintaining a basic level of hygiene in the home if it's ok for her husband to sit about and she is at the hospital for all hours? Like I said, what if they cannot afford a cleaner/dog walker/ironing help and they have no family able or willing to help out? I am genuinely curious.

Ach, y'big meaney Hex.

I can see what you're saying, I was just trying to cut him some slack and not wind the OP up so much that she punches him as they pass in the kitchen

DH did something similar, but that's not the thing I think about when I look back on that particular time.

LOL Agent, I'm glad it's not just my husband that did things like that in my postnatal hormonal period. I think that's why I get so wound up on behalf of other women when their husbands do the same.

I feel for you. I want to be the sort of person who is able to ignore housework but I am not and a dirty, untidy house stresses me out so I understand where the OP is coming from. I don't think it's too much to ask for the OP's DH to have tidied up and at least pushed the hoover around.

However, given the circs, I would agree with others suggestion of outsourcing - either a one off clean from an agency or perhaps you have parents or ILs who would happily come in and clean.

What I'm getting at is that if the OPs DP is like this normally, then now's not the time to be sorting it out.

For the OPs sake as much as her DHs.

I like to have the house under some sort of control as well, but really stressful things happening is the time to minimize it as a problem in the scheme of things.

But how though, Agent? And again I mean that as a genuine question. Do you mean the OP should just get on with it and do the essential jobs herself to keep the peace? It's just that it doesn't seem to be for the OP's sake if she should just let her husband sit around at the computer and do the chores herself to keep the peace. I totally agree that now isn't the ideal time to tackle his lack of pulling his weight in the home, but I do actually think that the OP telling him he has to pull his weight now is preferable to her having to do everything herself.

Just reading back over the OPs last post, my clean and tidy doesn't bare any relationship to what DH would think of as clean and tidy.

His would be a relative definition, the house would be clean and tidy in a comparison to the shit heap it was before he cleaned it for an hour before I came back

Whereas mine would be an absolute definition of eveything tidied away and cleaned up.

I'm not saying he should get away with sitting on his arse while the OP runs herself ragged, I can only guess at how things pan out in their house by applying it to how I feel.

I get how hurtful it can be to measure the other person on the hard evidence of how you feel they're supporting you, but it's a choice to measure them like that.

I do take your point Agent, but from what the OP said it was in a real state and he hadn't done anything at all, not even a basic clean to his standards. Putting a wash on isn't something that could be done to different standards; either a wash is put on, or it isn't. I don't think it's the OP having high or fussy standards in being disappointed that he hadn't done any washing.

I really don't think the OP is making a choice to decide he is not supporting her as he is being lazy. Practical support is as important as emotional support in this situation imo. As I said before, I feel it's really unfair that the OP spent all day at hospital, whilst he was home and off out for lunch, only to come home and have to do laundry, tidy the house and walk the dog whilst he sat at his computer. As I said, I have had issues with my husband before for doing that sort of thing and it was becoming a real dealbreaker for me. Laziness in a relationship, in whichever form it takes place, isn't attractive or pleasant.

I agree about the laziness thing, which might balance out the way I think about DH because I don't feel he's a lazy person taking the piss (and that's the main thing, whether other people would classify him as lazy or not is neither here nor there), he might not do much housework shite, but he does other things that compensate and I don't ever feel put upon.

When I say it's a choice, I mean that the OP must know he's like this and can choose to think of it as the last straw, or she can just muddle through the best she can (hopefully with her DPs help at some point) and tackle it at a better time.

And she can do that, there's no reason for her having a blazing row with him about his slack ways nearly on the eve of their baby thankfully coming home.

My cleaner costs £6.50 and hour and is very well worth it for exactly this reason.
If my DH suddenly had to look after our kids for the day on his own I'd be happy if they had all had decent meals and gone out for a bit. Yes, I'd be miffed if there were toys spread in every room (our washing machine is in the garage so easy to ignore) but I'd be grateful if our kids were happy and not screaming the house down. I'm not excusing the DH sitting on the computer instead of cooking dinner but it's the kind of thing I do at the end of a very long day looking after young kids, feeling totally knackered and desperate for 5mins to switch off.

I would have been annoyed too. Surely they could have limited the mess to 1 or 2 rooms, instead of everywhere and he could have done some washing?
You sound a bit like me, in the sense that life is much easier to cope with if the house is tidy (clean is good too, but tidying is my thing). In fact, when I am really stressed, the house needs to be super tidy at all times and even something like the cushions on the sofa in the wrong order is enough to get me ranting.
I think you will have to write lists of exactly what you want your DH to do. I have to do this with mine, along with a certain amount of lowered expectations.
Good luck with bringing your new DD home :).