really hope I am being u to think that DD's SENCO cancelled playdate when she found out DS was her brother...

[paranoidandsunburnt]

DD (10), goes to our local primary school. She has SN which include violent outbursts and antisocial behaviour. We have met with the school's SENCO loads obviously. She (the SENCO), is lovely but as she often ends up being the only person qualified to deal with DD (statement issue), she has seen DD at her absolute worst over a period of a few years. She has also heard us talk often about how hard she is to manage at home etc.

DS (6), goes to a different primary school which is also nearby. He is a friendly and sociable little thing and is asked on playdates - we usually explain that it's hard to reciprocate and then once every couple of months invite 3 or 4 of his friends out to the park, cinema etc after school while DH is with DD. We tend not to explain exactly why we don't do playdates at home unless specifically asked. We have made up stuff in the past

Lately DS has been coming home speaking about a particular classmate, who is collected by a CM. I approached the CM and passed on an invitation to a playdate and the next day the CM said that was fine. I asked if I should take her contact details or the parents' and yesterday she gave me the mum's phone number as we'd be having the DC past the time they stayed with the CM.

It turns out that the DC's mum is DD's SENCO. Today she texted to say her DC couldn't make the playdate after all.

AIBU to think that it might be to do with not wanting her DC around DD? What should I do? I did tell the CM it would be a park playdate as the weather's so good but don't know what got back to the mum.

There could be any reason why she cancelled. Maybe you could mention the coincidence next time you see her, see how she seems?

I don't think it will be because she doesn't want Dc around your dd, maybe it could be that she doesn't want to blur her professional lines by being too friendly and involved with the family?

Maybe just ask her
She could genuinely be busy etc

I asked the CM if another day was better and she said "oh the DC is very busy right now".

I sort of hope I am being paranoid - we have had bad experiences in the past (hence our way of doing playdates etc). But tbh I wouldn't blame DD's SENCO for not wanting her DC around DD - I want to text and explain that we don't do playdates for DS around DD but DH says that's 'desperate' and will make her feel awkward.

I agree anything could have happened. It could also whilst being tgat she knows your dd but not cause of your dd iyswim more because she is in a professional role am I explaining it enough?

You don't know and I wouldn't jump to conclusions. People cancel stuff all the time.

Even if it was because she found out the connection to your DD, maybe in her experience she has to be seen as a professional and not a family friend and therefore does not want to blur the lines for your daughter, possibly making it harder for DD to know the boundries?

I would pass my contact details on to the CM to pass to SENCO with a note saying if she ever wants to get the children together to call you, and if she is worried about it affecting her professional capacity with DD that you can make arrangements to avoid this.

I feel for you, it must be very difficult to feel you are socialising DS to the best of your ability, but it sounds like you are doing a great job by both children.

I think you should tell her, it's not as though she isn't going to understand, is it. Then the boys will get the playdate.

Could you maybe text and say that you understand that it may be awkward for her professionally if her dc was brought into contact with a child in her own care as a senco, but reassure her that her dc will be in the park with your ds, and not in your home. And that you quite understand if she still opts to cancel.

I dont think you can take this personal. It could be some type of professional code of conduct.

X posts with everyone! Damn you two finger typing!

But maybe it's not about your DD, but about blurring personal and Professional boundaries.

I just bet it's nothing to do with DD....it's clubs or some family thing. BUt it would seem desperate to txt saying DD won't be there...but really...a SENCO would understand...I dont think this is to do with DD.

Bletchley she knows it's me, it was after that she cancelled. When the CM passed on her phone number of the mum/SENCO I texted to say hi, great we're having X, I'm paranoidandsunburnt what time shall we drop X back and she recognised me iyswim. We had a little chat back and forth the today she texted to cancel.

If it was a professional thing though surely she would've told me rather than just cancel? And the CM saying that the DC was very busy - I dunno, it was so different to how things seemed before.

But I am very sensitive to all this, hence the username! Ultimately it doesn't really matter but I hate the idea of DS missing out on friends because of DD (more than he already does I mean), and of DD being 'so bad' it's elicited this response in the teacher who knows her best iyswim?

I would be straight forward and honest -we are in a similar situation re our eldest and I tell everyone absolutely everything because it seems to be the best way.
As long as you phrase your message in a relaxed/simple way, I fail to see why you'd appear desperate-you're just sorting out a situation.

She never cancelled though...the child minder assumed it would be ok and had to check...

DS won't miss out on friends....he won't. He is his own self and anyone who judges because of DD is NOT worth bothering about. Let it go...

Define is right...my DD made friends with a little girl in reception and her Mum asked her to go and play BUT she also asked that I go along as her child had some problems and could sometimes lash out...in addition to that she had an older foster child with problems....as the Mum has moblity issues she wanted me to go as then I could look out for my own DD....t made sense and of course my DD went and I did too.

No Awkward the CM said it was on and fine and had already checked.

Define I know we should be uber-upfront but we have had some seriously bad responses etc in the past. I usually say we do playdates 'out' as DD isn't good with new people - I think if I told the unvarnished truth nobody would come near us!

No....they would come near you! Of course they would....it's nothign to be ashamed of. People are less judgemental than you may thiink and the ones that are can go and jump!

I would text back and see if you can rearrange, and maybe casually explain how you tend to do playmates.
I see nothing wrong with the SENCo knowing you socially, I know my DCs SENCo socially, I even teased her for not buying our last house from us, he DD was in my DS's class when we were having tremly meetings. I frequently bump into the old deputy head, my DDs class teacher last year was an old friend of mine. But then I'm also in a book group with my GP. In villages it's common, and even in a town like here it's pretty common.

If it's someone you know fairly well then IMHO she should have been open with you about her reasons, rather than leaving you guessing.

i think it would be better if you ring her instead of texting back and forth.

just call and say "can we re-arrange?"
then you can always say "i was worried you would be concerned about DD, and I just wanted to let you know that she won't be there"... or whatever...

I think you have to put yourself in the other mother's shoes. Would you send your child on a playdate where the sibling of his friend was prone to violent outbursts?
Probably not.
She doesn't know that your daughter won't be there, you have her number so give her a call, ask him for another time and explain the way you organise things.

I would be tempted to think that this is more to do with putting her in a position professionally, perhaps she had a think and realised that its perhaps something that she shouldnt be doing? however if that is the case good manners would have been to let you know

I would think it's because she needs to keep a professional distance from you. She might not have said the reason in case you thought she was being a bit 'uppity'.

She probably just wants to keep her work life and her home life very separate, which is understandable.

I think she just sees it as a conflict of interests because she is your DDs SENCo. I would probably have done the same myself. I doubt very much that it is a reflection on your DD, or you, just the need to keep a professional distance.