really hope I am being u to think that DD's SENCO cancelled playdate when she found out DS was her brother...

[paranoidandsunburnt]

DD (10), goes to our local primary school. She has SN which include violent outbursts and antisocial behaviour. We have met with the school's SENCO loads obviously. She (the SENCO), is lovely but as she often ends up being the only person qualified to deal with DD (statement issue), she has seen DD at her absolute worst over a period of a few years. She has also heard us talk often about how hard she is to manage at home etc.

DS (6), goes to a different primary school which is also nearby. He is a friendly and sociable little thing and is asked on playdates - we usually explain that it's hard to reciprocate and then once every couple of months invite 3 or 4 of his friends out to the park, cinema etc after school while DH is with DD. We tend not to explain exactly why we don't do playdates at home unless specifically asked. We have made up stuff in the past

Lately DS has been coming home speaking about a particular classmate, who is collected by a CM. I approached the CM and passed on an invitation to a playdate and the next day the CM said that was fine. I asked if I should take her contact details or the parents' and yesterday she gave me the mum's phone number as we'd be having the DC past the time they stayed with the CM.

It turns out that the DC's mum is DD's SENCO. Today she texted to say her DC couldn't make the playdate after all.

AIBU to think that it might be to do with not wanting her DC around DD? What should I do? I did tell the CM it would be a park playdate as the weather's so good but don't know what got back to the mum.

Sorry but i think it is inevitable that a sibling of a child with these problems is excluded from some play dates. Not saying it is the case in this situation as it could be conflict of interest but may parents dont want their children to mix with the siblings of children that they see as a problem.

You will also be excluded from most social events for families too as I am sure you will have experienced - you really find out who your true friends are when faced with this situation. Heartbreaking I know but it is the reality. A wise decision to have your DC in separate schools to minimize this. It is very hard to accept the extent of the impact on a siblings life.

Yes that's why they are in seperate schools DS was in the nursery attatched to DD's school but it was horrendous, especially pickup time.

We try really hard to have playdates-away-from-home but obviously that's 'weird' anyway. Hopefully things will be easier as they get older.

I will have to say something to DD's SENCO as we're seeing her in a couple of weeks anyway. She's a nice lady, I shouldn't be feeling paranoid or victimised or whatever.

(But I am )

Did she give a reason?

I think you should review what you tell people, I would be happier knowing the truth and admire how you deal with the situation. Otherwise people may find it weird and think you have something to hide.

Her text was just "afraid X won't be able to make the playdate after all". When I asked about another day I was told X was really busy for the forseeable.

I'll try again after the holidays I think, and try not to stress too much about it.

hauntingme oh we do explain if it comes to it. But we're cautious and are usually vague about the reasons the first time. Unfortunately we do this through hard experience

i think its because of the professional boundaries thing. Almost certainly.
Even if she wants to, she probably cant

I agree with the others who have said that it's because she wants to keep a professional distance from you. I would want to do the same tbh (I have worked onecd to one with children who have SN). It's understandable that you ate upset over this, but I think you should focus on trying to encourage your ds to inite other friends out instead.

OP, I think you may be underestimating people at bit. I know you've said you've had bad experiences in teh past, but I, for one, would rather you were honest with me. I would think it was odd if you always wanted to take my DC to the park on a playdate rather than staying at home. But if you explained the situation to me and/or asked me to come too to be an extra pair of eyes, as someone said upthread, I would be fine with that.

Can I just say that its not weird to have playdates away from home...my DD is 7 and one of her best friends (they dont go to the same school anymore) has parents who both work very long hours....this friend comes here more than my DD goes there...they have only weekends free in their household and on those days they like to take their DD out and about...so they now and then invite my DD along...to places like pizza hut...and the park....or to other kid type activities...my DD loves it.

I don't question that, I just think it's nice. I think you're naturally very sensitive but probably do need to review what you tell people.

It's not wrong to want to protect DS but trying to hide DD isn't on either...I wouldnt' ring the SENCO again as some have sugested...she's got your number and any reasonable Mother would get in touch to rearrange without you chasing them...if she doesn't then it's her loss isn't it?

In the circumstances you outline, AwkwardMary, no it's not odd. But in the "usual" setting of kids being at the same school with either a parent or CM/Nanny picking them up, then on most occasions you would expect the playdate to be at the house.

I agree with those who have said it is about professional boundaries.

I teach in an school overseas. My daughter is in my school and I have a different relationship with her teachers to other teachers. In the same way when I have taught my colleagues children I have had a different relationship with them.
Next year my daughter will be in the year taught by our neighbour, that will be strange enough but if my DD is the neighbour's class, it will completely alter things. It almost certainly won't happen though for that reason.

I am wary of parents of my daughter's friends because although I don't teach their other children at the moment, I teach their friend's children.

Where I live and work makes those links impossible to avoid but I don't blame someone for doing so.

I expect that it will be a professional boundary, so would not ask again. If she does feel that she does want to meet up then she can ask you.

I agree - I think this is her working on the boundaries. The natural thing to do after your kid has been to play is ask the other child back - and then where does it go? I think that she feels awkward and is probably very upset with herself about this too. Definately ring her and clear the air, don't text or leave it for you both to fret over.

But if it's a professional distance thing why not say so?

I'm sure you're right and feel a lot less now. I think the whole thing just got to me a bit because DS's life is just so dictated by DD's needs.

I think its a professional issue and she's right not to mix work and social. I wouldnt overthink it to be honest.

"But if it's a professional distance thing why not say so?"

Agree.

I think I would contact to say that the DD won't be there if a playmate is arranged, and that her son is still welcome to come any time she felt it appropriate, and leave it at that.

IME, there could be dozens of reasons why she won't send her child; she could merely be a snob that doesn't let her DS socialise with hardly anyone! Or her DS may have his own issues, it's not worth wearing yourself out speculating (speaking from experience).

Maybe she doesn't want to explain that it crosses a boundary in the same way that you don't tell your ds's friends' parents about your DD's issues? I mean, that you simply don't want to discuss it with a stranger...

Maybe she will say so when she has the time to say it to you in person, rather than over text where things can easily be taken the wrong way or come across badly.