Sex after baby

[chocolatehobnobs]

Last night we had sex for the first time since the birth of DS aged 4 months. I was really looking forward to it and getting things back to normal. For a bit of background we didn't have sex while i was pregnant as DH felt funny about sex during pregnancy. He has been sleeping in the spare room since the baby was born as he needs to be rested for work. He is now back in our room as we both felt there was getting to be a physical and emotional distance between us.
Anyway we had discussed that last night should be the night. I had a bath so feel fresh as i still have occasional bleeding / discharge which is one of the reasons i was not keen to rush things. I even defuzzzed! Sorry if too much info.
I was pleased if a little surprised when DH suggested we go to bed before dinner but surprised as i did not think he had had a shower since cycling 12 miles home from work 2 hours before. I asked him if he had showered and he said no. I suggested he have a quick shower and he said he would prefer to have one afterwards. DH has good personal hygiene and showers or baths at least once a day and he did not have BO really.
I'm ashamed to say that i just gave in without a fight. AIBU to think he was disrespectful not to shower or just a bit uptight. Given that it has been so long and we both wanted to get back into the swing of things i didn't want to turn it into an issue but i do feel i bit of a doormat.

Could be a madonna /whore thing

This does not mean your dh is bad. It means it needs working through

Congratulations on your baby op btw! My dd is 5 weeks now, it's a lovely age

Why would you leave? Have you never had dips in your sex drive? Would you expect your dh to leave you if you did?

His crotch was covered in cream?!

susiedaisy Is there a water shortage? why not a shower before and then one later on before bedhmm I would of been miffed if it was me!

Actually, yes.

poster

I think (sure I have read a study) mens testosterone levels drop when their partners are pregnant. Which makes sense biologically I suppose

I think I heard that too catgirl

I would leave because it is imo not a fair or valid reason to not have sex with me. Genuine depression, disease etc yes, but 'ohh i feel all funny about a baby which i created with my lover, so i'm going to insult her and put my needs first' is not to me a valid reason.

And i would only tolerate genuine dips for so long - as should DP. Sex id the glue that holds relationships together. Sex is the only thing i get exclusively from DP. Sex is integral to my relationship. Without it we are just companions and that is not what i signed up for.

I would expect DP to leave me for exactly the same reasons.

I was really sick with DS1 so we didn't have sex until I was about 4 months pregnant then were ok right through to the end an from a few weeks afterwards. I found I felt ok after a couple of weeks but bled heavily after both pregnancies - for 13 weeks with DS2 - it was torture!

Its weird though as it was me that had issues around me being fat etc, basically I was told I couldn't have children before I met DH so we weren't careful as assumed it would never happen but it did - very quickly! I found it very hard getting fatter and could not understand how he could possibly find me attractive, I was even worse after having DS1, I think it didn't help as we had only been together 9 months when DS was born (he was 2 weeks early - WTF???!!) so we were not at that comfortable married stage or however you want to put it!

I guess I would have been upset in your situation OP but I am not sure many men would even realise they were doing anything wrong, I would wait and see what happens next time.

Sex is massively important I agree with you there.
But also trying to work things out and understand each other too

Yes and compromise is valued and appreciated. If DP said 'look i feel funny about it all so not really into penetration, but we can touch each other and have oral with you in a saucy neglige and the lights dimmed' i would respect the compromise. But the blanket no sex, i'm wanking to porn for 6 months is not on imo.

Oh yes, saying no to you but yes to porn is not on.

There was no porn even I asked him about it...

Catgirl - I too threw a wobbler at 8 days overdue. I was furious and very upset that DH was so reluctant to shag me when it could help bring on labour and prevent induction. When I got so upset we did have sex daily for 3 days. I was still induced 2 weeks late!
To reassure big jessie there was no crotch cream on when we had sex it had been absorbed but it's not a turn on is it ....

Spuddy would it be ok for a pregnant woman to go off sex and her husband leave her because of it? I find your opinion unbelieveable that you would actually leave someone because of lack of sex on a temp basis.

I can't actually remember if Dh and I had much sex during my pregnancies, I doubt it to be honest as I had terrible morning sickness for several months and after that who knows. However neither of us resorted to porn or resented the other one and if we did,it obviously wasn't that bad as we are still together and ds2 is nearly 10 yrs old.

You would probably be horrified when I say we have even had our own rooms for about 4 years because I snore terribly and we have different sleep patterns due to work. But we still love one another very much and still have sex. We ar ein it for the long haul no matter what.

Op I think maybe he was a bit nervous and perhaps wanted to get the first time out the way and the only way to go now is forward.

chocolate glad its not just me :) Sorry your basby was so reluctant to come out! Those last ocuple of weeks were awful :)

Spuddy I have to say I agree with inchoccy that if a woman said she was pg and did not want to have sex but her DH was pressurising her and left her because of it there would (rightly) be an outcry! DH and I are married - there was a "better or worse" clause in there which means (to me) that we work through any issues and we have patience with each other and respect each others feelings - we don't just chuck in the towel. Especially not when we are about to have a child.

We did talk it through, I would have prefered him to feel differently but he didnt and I knew it was temporary and about him not me. It wasn't a fat issue. I have got "fat" before and will still had sex (Although I knew he was happier when I lost the weight but he never said anything). It was never a reflection of how much he loved me - just how he felt about my pregnancy

Eew - YANBU !
I would also expect DH to shower if he was sweaty after cycling 12 miles.
I'm not uptight , but do suffer with cystitis so do need him to be clean down there !
I refuse to suffer in pain just because he is being lazy !

spuddy I do find your attitude very odd - in fact it almost borders on being shallow!
I thank myself very lucky that despite some sex free droughts my DH and I have a very solid relationship .
Yes sex is very important , and it is the glue in a relationship but FGS a solid relationship should be able handle a dry spell.
Spuddy you do not know what life has in store for either of you ... How will you cope if for whatever reason either of you becomes chronically Ill and loses their libido ?
You sound quite young to me to be making such sweeping statements that you would leave a man over this ...

phew, thanks Catgirl and Nannyplum, I thought it was just me to feel this way.
I don't think it is the "fat" think at all either as I am now 2 dress sizes bigger than when I was pregnant and although DH might prefer me slimmer he still fancies me and we still have sex. I found the feeling of a baby moving about whilst at "it" a bit disconcerting.

We have had a few long droughts mainly due to ilness and even now because of work patterns don't get much opportunity but for me as long as we continue to kiss, cuddle and generally feel loved then we are doing fine. I would cope less well with a lack of kissing and general feeling of intimacy.

To all of you who have said you are shocked at my opinion. Fair enough (it's just my opinion and i am genuinely interested in the way others live), but i don't think you have understood what i am saying. I have said clearly illness, pain etc are all very valid reasons not to have sex. But i just feel an immature 'i don't really like the changes to your body' attitude is insulting and i would not be able to respect a man who couldn't find that beautiful and sexy. This is what bodies do, and if a man can help create and want the baby then he can love and embrace the changes.

If the woman was pregnant and feeling ill (as i was for the 1st 3 months) then that is a different matter. But as i said it isn't the dry spell per se just the reasons behind it.

I am not young i am 35. I have been married and divorced, and part of the reason that relationship failed was sexual. If someone was ill then i would understand, but also not expect anyone to remain sexually unfulfilled for the rest of their lives. If the desire goes then the relationship is over to me and i do not believe a relationship can be good for me or my partner if we are sexually frustrated.

Obviously if it doesn't bother either of you then brilliant. But for me it would. And it does matter to my partner also. You just have to ensure your desires and opinions are matched otherwise one person could be left feeling very unhappy.

When my sister was pregnant, she went off the smell of her DH! Therefore she didn't want to have sex. Should he have left? After all, it was not illness or tiredness, she just didn't fancy him at that time.

Think it is bizarre to consider leaving someone over what is a finite amount of time.

Oh fgs - as i have said it is not the finite amount of time it is the reason. I think the smell thing is pretty rare and if it made her feel nauseous then yes technically that is illness.

For me, as i have said, i would not want to be with someone who was so disconnected from what female bodies do, that they have an unchanging sexualised image of a woman that cannot be adapted when the one they love is carrying their child.

I have a friend whose DP was outraged that she would consider breastfeeding as he thought it disgusting. So ingrained was he with what the 'media' dictate breasts to be for. I feel that not finding your wife sexual during pregnancy is the same issue.

Also i have recently been told i have an 80% chance of developing MS in the next few years. DP is 31. If i became very ill should he forgo sexual happiness for the rest of his life down to 'duty' to me? I would not want him to.

I do think there is compromise and sex doesn't have to be penetration. You don't have to be up for sex to use a vibrator on your wife, or have some oral. I think if you love someone you want to make them happy and just making them come and being intimate is part of that. If you didn't want it reciprocated then fine. But people are so black and white - 'i don't want sex so lump it' is very unfair.

My DH has gone off sex lately, I am 36 weeks now. However, he tells me all the time how beautiful and attractive I am like this, and I believe he feels this way. He just feels a bit weird because the baby is moving a lot and I think he feels like we might do some damage or something! I know it would be fine, and I am quite horny so am sorting myself out sometimes, but I respect his feelings on the matter.

If it was the other way around I'd expect him to accept it if I didn't want to do it, so why should it be any different for him? I know we'll get back on track after, so it's no big deal, it's only temporary.

OP yanbu, I'd be upset if he didn't make an effort after it being such a long time, you'd think he'd want it to be special. But maybe other posters are right, he was nervous and wanted it over with, in the nicest possible way of course! Don't over think it, look forwards and just try and get back into the habit, it is hard after being out of it for so long.

My DH went off sex during my first pregnancy from around 20 weeks, and like nightowlmostly's DH, said it was because he felt weird doing it so close to the baby! Second pregnancy, he was over that but I wasn't up for it after 30 weeks or so. Both times we respected each other enough to sort ourselves out or go without.
We started again after about two weeks both times - I did have stitches but seemed to be all healed etc.
It wouldn't even OCCUR to me to ask him to shower before sex, no matter what he had been doing beforehand! This is a very eye-opening thread!

The smell of BO and unwashed dick STINKS and it's not pleasant!

After a day of weeing (shakes won't wipe) and sweating my DH's "area" smells of piss and BO. It's not nice.

It isn't weird to want your DH clean before sex at all.