Sex after baby

[chocolatehobnobs]

Last night we had sex for the first time since the birth of DS aged 4 months. I was really looking forward to it and getting things back to normal. For a bit of background we didn't have sex while i was pregnant as DH felt funny about sex during pregnancy. He has been sleeping in the spare room since the baby was born as he needs to be rested for work. He is now back in our room as we both felt there was getting to be a physical and emotional distance between us.
Anyway we had discussed that last night should be the night. I had a bath so feel fresh as i still have occasional bleeding / discharge which is one of the reasons i was not keen to rush things. I even defuzzzed! Sorry if too much info.
I was pleased if a little surprised when DH suggested we go to bed before dinner but surprised as i did not think he had had a shower since cycling 12 miles home from work 2 hours before. I asked him if he had showered and he said no. I suggested he have a quick shower and he said he would prefer to have one afterwards. DH has good personal hygiene and showers or baths at least once a day and he did not have BO really.
I'm ashamed to say that i just gave in without a fight. AIBU to think he was disrespectful not to shower or just a bit uptight. Given that it has been so long and we both wanted to get back into the swing of things i didn't want to turn it into an issue but i do feel i bit of a doormat.

My DH felt the same way about pregnancy sex OP, I feel your pain. Having said that, no way would I want to have sex for the first time in ages with someone stinky!

Sounds like he was keen to have sex too (wanting to go to bed before dinner) but maybe didn't get that it can be quite a big deal for the woman post-partum (it was for me, I did not look forward to it).

Hope it went well anyway :) (my experience was rather... tentative!)

I don't think you need to feel like a doormat at all. Personally unless me or dp is super unclean, like days without a wash, I wouldn't think to ask him to wash. You're about to have sex not meet the Queen for high tea. Isn't sex inherently messy? A bit like having a shower to take the bin out?

Firstly I find sweaty men gross so yes I would have made him shower.
Secondly you sound quite nervous about the whole thing some could he have showered to make you feel at ease and relaxed about the whole thing

YANBU.

4 months after? Wow I found it hard to wait the 6 weeks after my crash c section with DS

He should have showered at the creamy crotch and 12 miles of cycling. I wouldn't have said disrespectful but common courtesy surely with the state his crotch must have been in

Well there you go it's anti bacterial apparently. Well that's something I suppose.

I learn something new on mn everyday it seems.

We waited 6 weeks both times. I had second degree tears both times. Also, he's muslim and there is a religious/cultural convention to wait 40 days. I think both times, we went ahead before the 6 week check at the doctors (which, in my mind, meant I could report any problems!).

We did, however have sex throughout pregnancy and I credit one bout of actually helping labour get started. Ok, enough with the tmi!

Glad you didn't feel coerced and hope you don't have a shower sex disaster as I will feel responsible!

We waited 4 weeks.. I was a little nervous having had a forceps delivery and episiotomy but it was fine (thankfully)

My DH is another one who wouldn't have sex when I was pregnantso I was somewhere between desparate for it and terrified :)

chocolate how was the sex? Myself and DH do live a good shag if we've both had a shower before bed but equally love a manly smell to get turned on!
I imagine you were both nervous, he was perhaps a little thoughtless in not showering and your being a bit sensitive that he didn't make an effort like you did?

i can't believe how many of you put up with no sex during pregnancy. It would be a massive dealbreaker for me. I would find it so insulting i would not want sex with DP ever again. What do you say when they say 'sorry honey i find you physically repulsive so no sex till after you've got your figure back'? Or is it not the body but the fact there is a baby in there? Either way very immature. Do you do other stuff or do you both just wank away for 9 months?

I'm preggo at the mo' so really curious about this kind of thing. If anything we are having more sex as a) hormones mean i am super randy and b) we are anticipating a dry spell when the baby arrives!

Spuddy he said he just felt differently about me whilst I was pg - more protective and didn't see me in a sexual way and that it felt "wrong". I thought he was being a total nutjob but there wasn't a lot I could do (although my battery expenditure went through the roof)

It wasn't a dealbreaker - we've been togetgher 15 years and I was pg with his child. It was just odd and annoying

I don't even like to get into bed with DH (no sex) without him having a shower first. He walks the last couple of miles home after work and though he isn't smelly BO wise, he still has a lack of freshness about him. Im a shower before bed type person, so find it a bit eurch to get all clean and freshly into bed to lie next to a fuzz of a man.

he was probably scared that you would change your mind by the time he showered...or that the baby would wake up

Catgirl, my dp felt the same way about pregnant sex- very annoying isn't it.
Blubbery - you're probably right that makes me feel a bit better.
Weedoll, it was nice thank you , and felt far more natural than I had anticipated .

If you felt strongly about it then you should have told him to go now, I'd of just joked about it and said eh not n your nelly until you smell a bit fresher, honesty is the best policy.

Personally I'd be pissed off about the no sex during pregnancy, sleeping in a different room and making me wait 4 months, but that's just me.

Seriously catgirl and chocolate i am getting really angry on your behalf at the thought of DP not wanting sex and saying bollox like 'i feel protective of you'. That just sounds like a crock of shit from a selfish wanker who doesn't fancy you when a little rounder! (very hormonal at the moment and putting myself in that situation that is exactly how i would feel!).

To call it annoying, is (for me an understatement) and the 'nothing i could do' attitude is bizarre to me. I would do something, i would leave. But sex is very important to me. As is sleeping together. These to me are basic levels of intimacy which are necessary for a relationship. The moment someone reneges on that the relationship is off.

So as they didn't 'feel sexually' towards you i suppose that means they didn't even fancy a blow/hand job? or return the favour? I suppose i could just about accept no penetration if i got loads of other stuff, but from the sounds of it there was nothing.

And while he was not feeling sexual towards you, was he feeling sexual towards a lot of porn?

And (sorry lots of intimate questions, obv feel free to not answer, just really really curious about this) if you were satisfying yourself when did you do it? while they were just in bed next to you? My DP and i are at home at the same times so we would know if we were nipping off to use sex toys on ourselves.

I am just amazed at how different i am from some people.

There was indeed nothing, no blow jobs etc for him and nothing for me :(. I imagine he was using porn. Sex is very important to me to, but I kind of took (and take) the view that we have been together for 15 years and hopefully we should have another 40 or so to go, so six months is not really that big a deal in the grand scheme of things.

I don't think it was the weight gain that was an issue I think he just felt strange about the pregnancy. Didn't make sense to me but I respected his feelings (just)

Spuddy - he said he did not feel sexual at all, was a bit stressed about the whole pregnancy thing. I suggested blowjobs, etc but was turned down several times (at least 5) . It was very frustrating but you don't leave someone you love who is the father of your child when everything else in the relationship is good and lack of sex is temporary.
I think not fancying a fat person was part of it though - it was demoralising at times. He says he does not want a second child because we both missed the whole intimacy thing for over a year. I am annoyed that he reacted this way.

well you are way more understanding than me Catgirl. It is the principle not the time. If you love someone you want to make love to them. those feelings don't change. i would never be able to go back to wanting sex with DP if he told me he didn't want me because i was pregnant with his child. If anything they should express their love for you more because you are having a baby.

With the wanking/porn this always intrigues me. DP and i both work the same hours. We both go to bed at the same time. On weekends we do stuff together. When would I, or him get the time to watch porn without the other knowing? It would have to be a kind of agreement - 'i'm going into the bedroom now for half an hour with the laptop and the door shut' wink wink, type thing.

WOw chocolate. You might not leave someone for that but i certainly would. It's not about he lack of sex even. It's the principle taht they are such an arse they don't love me enough or fancy their pregnant (not fat) wife who, let's face it, is going through most of the difficult part of the pregnancy.

I think if i'm having someones baby they could have the fucking decency to fucking fuck me! Sorry. Still very angry at the preciousness of it all. Some men really need to get over themselves.

He did man up when I was 8 days late and demanded he step up and try and get the baby out :)

DH stays up a fair bit later than me spuddy which meant I had plenty of opportunity (as did he)

I am sure he knew / could hear but it wasn't an issue

I'm sorry but is any of this helpful?

It's quite common for some men to go off sex with pregnant partners, but for the reasons you would need to ask them. My dh never went off sex, but in early days and after some bleeding was certainly apprehensive.

I highly doubt there is a malice behind it, people are very complex. It does not make them bad people.

It would be madness to leave your partner over that.

How was the sex anyway?

Not really liking his attitude, somethings a bit off.
How was your sex life before?

I agree with spuddybean re the 'no sex in pregnancy' issue, is it a Madonna/Whore thing or what?

However, I wouldn't want sex with someone who was all grubby and sweaty, so YANBU OP.

starwisher i don't think there is malice at all, just preciousness and selfishness. I'm not sure why this is supposed to be 'helpful' i thought it was a discussion - i am just genuinely curious. The OP mentioned the no sex and it made me interested.

I don't think it would be madness to leave - maybe to a lot of people yes. But not to me. As i said it is the principle, and i wouldn't want to be with someone who went off sex with their pregnant loved one. I would have no respect for them after that. Just my opinion of course and that's why i'm asking.

Obviously Catgirl if it's not an issue to you or the OP then fair enough but you did both say you were annoyed etc.