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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that dp should be able to choose his own best man?

40 replies

LaDiDaDi · 23/03/2012 13:00

Dp and me are getting married in August, mil is kicking off because dp has asked a lifelong friend who we see frequently to be his best man. She thinks dp should choose his brother who we see infrequently at family events. She is threatening not to come to the wedding if dp doesn't choose his brother and says that she is "disgusted" at dp but that she "doesn't blame" me Hmm.

I am really annoyed with mil who I think should keep her nose out of it all and who imo is clearly showing her favoritism to dp's brother.

Angry

I am expecting her to ring me today and will struggle to keep my cool.

What should I say?

OP posts:
BobbysBeardOfWonder · 23/03/2012 13:03

That is her son's choice, since it he & you who are getting married. Either that or 'keep your beak out' Wink.

QuintessentialShadows · 23/03/2012 13:03

If she brings it up, just listen to her concernsl let her speak, um and ah, and say:

"I am sorry that you don't feel able to attend our wedding, dp will be hurt, but he will of course respect your wishes"

Then change the subject. There is not anything else to say. If you start giving in to her, she will realize that she will be able to make any demand, and you will follow.

EdithWeston · 23/03/2012 13:04

You need to breathe deeply to stay calm!

And say - in response to anything she throws at you - something along the lines of:

"You need to talk to DP about that"
"DP made the decision, you need to talk to him about that"
"It isn't up to me, you need to talk to DP about that"
"I understand you feel strongly about this, but you need to talk to DP"

Gumby · 23/03/2012 13:05

Tell her it's nothing to do with you, the decision is made, to shut up about it or face being disinvited herself

could brother be an usher?

Gumby · 23/03/2012 13:05

does the brother even give a shiny shite?!!

BackforGood · 23/03/2012 13:07

That it's nothing to do with her. That DP is free to choose whoever he wants to be his Best Man, and that you hope she will change her mind, as it would be a shame for her not to come to your wedding, but obviously that is up to her.

susiedaisy · 23/03/2012 13:12

Stay calm, there's nothing like a wedding to bring out the worst in people, well there is christamas as well but thats by the by, imo it is your dp's choice, he should be allowed to choose, and his brother might actually be sighing with relief at not being choosen, being a best man is nerve racking especially being one for someone you spend barely any time with!

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 23/03/2012 13:14

Tell her that you will support your future husband with any descisons he makes, especially when they are relevant to no one but him and you agree anyway.

BluddyMoFo · 23/03/2012 13:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
LaDiDaDi · 23/03/2012 13:20

Thanks all.

Think Quint's idea might work the best.

Think that his brother probably does want to be best man because he's the sort of person who would like that role iyswim rather than because dp and him are close in any way.

Not the sort of wedding where we will be having an usher.

OP posts:
SardineQueen · 23/03/2012 13:21

This one always causes trouble.

My dad still hasn't really forgiven his brother for not having him as best man and that was 30 years ago.

DH "had" to have his brother even though he doesn't get on brilliantly with his brother but we went for the easy route on the keeping people happy front + none of DHs friends were that keen.

I think your DH should have who he wants. There are going to be ructions though... Good luck!

DeWe · 23/03/2012 13:51

My dp had that problem with my dgran. I don't think df's brother was wanting to at all. Then dgran's dh died a month before the wedding and I think she then realised some things weren't that important. Sad

susiedaisy · 23/03/2012 14:15

quints suggestion is great if your MIL will accept it, otherwise you might well get accused of being sarcastic!! maybe its just my family but years ago we had similar problem with an uncle and my grandmother and she caused such a stew that the whole family got involved, things were said, and in the end it kind of took the shine off the whole daySad twenty years on my grandmother is still unrepentant! i hope you mil isnt as bad,

TroublesomeEx · 23/03/2012 14:18

Yep, I've seen this one cause trouble a few times, including one where the groom's brother refused to attend the wedding at all.

But the bride and groom stuck to their guns and have the wedding they wanted and were paying for themselves.

Mrsjay · 23/03/2012 14:46

MY mil had to take to her bed ( i am not kidding ) that my dh didnt choose his brother as his best man and chose his friend , she was afronted what would people say blah blah she refused to come to the wedding if we didnt have her PFB as best man DH didnt change his mind she came to the wedding Hmm

ChaoticAngel · 23/03/2012 14:46

YANBU Your dp should be able to have who he wants to have.

Mrsjay · 23/03/2012 14:47

oh and YANBU

BusinessTrills · 23/03/2012 14:52

She needs to get a grip.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 23/03/2012 14:52

Nothing to stop the brother proposing a toast at the reception, even if the friend is the official buttonhole-wearer and speech-maker. Poor old MIL... the power.... slipping away.... through...her.... fingers.....

Ephiny · 23/03/2012 14:58

YANBU, it's nothing to do with your MIL really. Just say you don't want to discuss it, you're leaving it up to DP to decide, and change the subject.

Definitely don't give in to her. My future-MIL is making a similar fuss (about a slightly different issue) and we are just politely but consistently saying 'no, we're not doing that'.

I don't think we're even having a best man, though if we did it would likely be DPs best friend who he's known since they were at primary school together. Not his brother. In fact the brother himself got married and had a friend as best man, rather than DP, no one was upset or offended that I remember. There's no law that it has to be a brother's role.

Original poster
LaDiDaDi · 23/03/2012 15:00

Prior to this her first words to me when I told her we were having a ceilidh were "I hate ceilidhs".

Perhaps she is just looking for an excuse not to dance?

Haven't had to speak to her about it yet

OP posts:
ColourMeWithChaos · 23/03/2012 15:08

DMiL wanted DH to have one of his brothers as his best man.

DH said no because at that point his brothers were 15 and 13 and therefore totally unsuitable for the role realistically and he didn't want t have to choose between them

He had his best friend instead and it was the right move completely!

It is your wedding and you have to have it how you want it. I understand not wanting to upset DMil but if she is being unreasonable then you have no choice really.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 23/03/2012 15:31

She's attention-seeking because the occasion is not 'all about her'. By making her acid remarks she forces you to think 'what would MIL think?' - almost involuntarily. She's already got you posting on a wesbsite and in two minds what to say when she calls. It's childish behaviour from a grown woman but I've seen it before. Next thing you'll find out second-hand from elsewhere in the family that you've been ignoring her or you haven't given adequate consideration to some special need she has... dietary requirement? accommodation?

All you can do is stay polite and practice saying the word 'NO' very, very firmly. Think 'toddler with a demi-wave'...

mrspepperpotty · 23/03/2012 15:40

We had exactly the same issue, DH's brother was an usher and did a reading which seemed to keep everyone happy in the end (although not when we first suggested it!).

Spuddybean · 23/03/2012 15:51

I think it is bizarre that people get this involved in others weddings. Yanbu. I would let her have her say when she calls and try to politely say after well 'we aren't close to Dbro and we are to best man, and it is DP's decision and our wedding, but if you feel you cannot come then that is a choice for you to make'.

I also hate dislike ceilidh's tho too, so maybe she was just letting you know in advance she wont be dancing! ExH and I had soul & disco music, loads of family said they hated that - i didn't see it as an insult at all, just an opinion. People don't all like the same things and it is just an observation (unless she thought you would change it because of her comment).

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