to not go to this funeral?

[bintofbohemia]

I really, really cannot get my head round what I should do.

Background: was brought up by my father and stepmother who were (and still are given half the chance) quite abusive. After a massive row with my dad over a year ago (in which he accused me of lying about the fact that my DS1 was in a horrible car accident and ended up in hospital for days to see whether he had glass in his eyes) I stopped communicating with him. I still occasionally spoke with my SM, until my half sister sent my DH a birthday card with a corpse on it the day before FIL's funeral. SM then defended half sister and had a go at me about it. About 6 months ago I said that if they wanted to actually sort things out and deal with things, we'd love to hear from them, but until that day to leave us alone.

So the other day my soulless father let me know that my aunt (on my SM's side, but she was lovely and the only person on that side of the family we still had any contact with) has died. I'm really devastated as she was absolutely brilliant and we had a lovely relationship. Problem is, to go to the funeral involves travelling back there to be in a room with a lot of people that we don't really want to see and who have pulled ranks and shut us out (presumably due to what SM has told them, as it turns out she's a terrible shit stirrer and although I never knew until recently DH and I have now both had first hand experience of how she completely lies about what is said to her.)

I don't see why I should be pushed out, and if I want to go I think I should be able to, but realistically, there's a lot going on at the moment and I'm struggling to stay afloat - I'm not sure putting myself in a room full of people who are hostile towards us (and my SM, half-sister, step-cousin in particular will pull us to pieces) is a great thing for me to do right now.

I've been round and round with this since I found out - at first I thought no way can we go, then I changed my mind and changed it back again. I just can't decide. Any advice?

I would say go to the funeral and head away straight afterwards. I've known of a few people who haven't gone to funerals of genuinely loved family members for similar reasons to yours and have really regretted it. Don't engage with anyone, just keep in mind that you are there for your aunt and no one else.

If you really can't face it, then be sure to visit the grave soon after to pay your respects.

Sorry for your loss.

I wouldn't go. I would send flowers and a lovely message about how much hour aunt meant to you, but I wouldn't put myself through the ordeal of facing a hostile family. The only person who you have any feelings for is your deceased aunt - and, with all due respect for the dead, she won't know whether you are there or not.

can you pay your respects in a different way? Donate to a charity that she had links to, or visit a place with special memories?

Can you not go to the funeral, pay your respects to your aunt, and then leave?

I wouldn't go.
I'm sure your aunt would not want you to be upset and forced to face this nasty situation on her behalf. Do you feel it is important for you to be there, to commemorate her? Or would you be able to do something alternative of your own? Remember that funerals are for the living, when it comes down to it.

I remember your post about the birthday card. You could go to the service and disappear straight afterwards. That way you don't let them push you out, but you don't give them much opportunity to react either. Especially if you show up just before the service starts and sit somewhere near the back, preferably away from the aisle. They might not even notice you if you're lucky.

If you decide not to go then I am sure that your late aunt would understand.

Inertia - that's what I thought yesterday, I actually went to sit in a church for half an hour (am not religious) and thought I could at least pay my respects that way if nothing else.

Then again, I do keep thinking that we could just go, stand at the back and then leave quickly afterwards.

We have two DSs as well, and the funeral will be a weekday, so it also would involve pulling them out of school for a day and making a 5 hour round trip, or trying to sort out childcare so we can leave them here.

I was wondering if we'd be better off going over to the chapel of rest this weekend and staying overnight with friends (taking the DSs) and then heading back but not sure what's going on or when (or if) she'll be at the chapel of rest...

I agree that perhaps you could do something yourself to honour her memory. Plant a tree or flower, light a candle, say a poem, or something else that would be meaningful to you/her...?

Go if you feel the need to say a final goodbye to your Aunt. There is no need to speak to anyone there. If you really can't face these people, send flowers or visit the grave after the funeral.

I suppose there would be about three or four people who would be alright with us, and there's at least 8 that I know would be outright hostile - the rest are an unknown quantity but they won't have heard anything good. I know that it's not all about us, and that people will be preoccupied with the funeral itself but my cow of a sister would have a go if she could.

I would probably go just for the funeral service and then leave. If your DH cannot travel with you maybe ask a good friend? You say you have a lot of other pressures at the moment so consider what you aunt would have advised you if you could have asked her if it was another loved relative.

( redexpat - you've got a good memory! Although it was fairly shocking, I still can't believe that she did it, and how they both responded.)

It really isn't going to matter to your dear aunt whether you are there or not. Flowers with a lovely message are a fine and personal tribute. It means your thoughts are with the deceased even if you are not there in person, and in the circumstances it's a fitting way to pay your respects. All the cards and messages are gathered up and given to the next of kin, so your SM will know you paid your respects.

Agree with spooktrain, I'm sure your aunt wouldn't want you have to face these awful people on her behalf.

Something I have done in the past is plant a flower or shrub which was a favourite of the deceased person's in a container or in my garden. If you can't do that, buy yourself a bunch of her favourite flowers on the day, think of her and enjoy them.

After my mum died we dedicated trees for her and our dad to be planted together, through the Woodland Trust:
woodlandtrustshop.com/dedicate-a-tree

Sadly I too remember the card incident (they were horrid then!) and worry that with emotions running high they will be extra unwelcoming now.

No matter what you decide I am sure your Aunt would understand, so do what is right for you. I don't know if taking your DS's into such a hostile environment would be easy so I would be seeking childcare if it were me and I intended to go.

Remember you could always go to your local church, light a candle and remember her yourself. Sorry for your loss.

You must go, but you do not have to stay for The wake. You have to show your respects to your lovely auntie.

I think you should go, because you will regret it if you don't. Just go to the service only, you don't need to make small talk before (arrive just before the service is due to start), then leave directly afterwards, not going to any function afterwards, if you're asked, you can easily blame childcare issues for why you have to rush off without actually saying "I don't want to be in the same room as my dad and step mum" and then feeling you have to have a whole conversation with people about that).

For childcare issues, can you ask any of your DCs friend's parents if they'll pick them up from school and have them overnight as it's a funeral? (Most people will say yes under those circumstances).

I would send flowers with a message explaining why its hard for you to go.

Don't go. You have fond memories of the aunt - send a card to her immediate family (did she have children?) and leave it. That's enough. It doesn't sound like you need the stress of the funeral - and your aunt would have understood that.

When is your half sisters birthday? Dont forget to send her a card with a corpse.

Aside from that, I think you should just avoid the service, and pay a visit to chapel or rest on the weekend, where you can say your goodbyes and pay respect. Bring a nice bunch of flowers, light a candle, and be rest assure that your aunt will understand. Sorry for your loss.

Going on OP alone (not read whole thread), I would go to the funeral. You may regret not going, and you won't be able to turn back the clock.
An estranged friend of mine died recently, and I only decided to go to the funeral on the morning of the day, and I am SO glad I went to say goodbye.
You can always leave straight after.

I hope you get through this.

Quint - half sister had a miscarriage at Christmas and predictably the world stopped turning and everything was all about her. (As it should be, really.) But it brought back the times I've been in hospital when no one so much as visited, and the times that I was on my own looking after DS1 when he was very young, and halfsis would phone pissed up 8 times a night so that there was no danger of me getting any sleep. Then when I pulled out of going to lunch or whatever due to lack of sleep I got given the cold shoulder, no help ever, even when I had bad PND and they lived a mile round the corner. I have so many axes to grind...

Thanks everyone for the condolences and the advice. Am still a bit 50/50 about it. Not sure if going to the chapel of rest would do instead?

By the way - love the idea of dedicating a tree. Much nicer than sending flowers that will probably just get burnt/chucked.

Forgot to add that nobody bothered even telling me she was in hospital, or we would have gone to visit. She then had a heart attack, but SM/father didn't bother telling me until she'd actually died.

Whether you go or not there will be heartache for you either way.
It's a no win situation
Given that going to the funeral also means pulling kids out of school, a long road trip and probably nasty behaviour from your dad and SM even if you only go in late and out early , I'd personally not go.
Dedicate a tree or make a charity donation in rememberance, send a card to your aunts husband/children

Would the chapel of rest be open for viewing this weekend? When my MIL died last month the funeral directors would only do viewings at set times on weekdays ( we decided against anyway ) and when her body was taken into the church the evening before the funeral most of the family were there.
Would there be any likely hood of you bumping into your dad /SM when there?

I admit to be quite harsh about death, and my feelings are probably at odds with most other people. I'm a hard nosed cow, death to me is the end and I do my best not to assign emotions t0o things I cannot change.

That said, your Aunt will not know if you were there or not. Funerals are for 'other people', not the deceased. If the 'other people' that will be there are those that do not give a shit about you, then don't bother going. What does it matter? They won't suddenly start being decent people just because they saw you at the funeral.

If the 'other people' that will be there are your Aunts relatives (siblings/children?) and are decent people - people who have been nice to you, then consider going. Maybe even telephone them and explain your predicament. You never know, they may even advise that you don't attend.

If you do go, what are the chances of your horrible family kicking off? How awful would that be for the decent members of your aunt's family if they did - I wouldn't like that to happen.

My neice sat outside for the whole of her fathers funeral - some very strange and very upsetting people attended and she couldn't handle it . My mum and dad thankfully weren't really 'with it' enough to care, but neice was distraught.

The day after the funeral I went with my neice to the Crem and we sat in the gardens talking about her dad. She thinks of that day as his funeral, and is better off for it.

Given what you said, I think you would be better off doing something yourself - for you, for your family and in your Aunts name. Who cares what anyone else does.

nods in agreement with LteEveDallas
very well put