to not go to this funeral?

[bintofbohemia]

I really, really cannot get my head round what I should do.

Background: was brought up by my father and stepmother who were (and still are given half the chance) quite abusive. After a massive row with my dad over a year ago (in which he accused me of lying about the fact that my DS1 was in a horrible car accident and ended up in hospital for days to see whether he had glass in his eyes) I stopped communicating with him. I still occasionally spoke with my SM, until my half sister sent my DH a birthday card with a corpse on it the day before FIL's funeral. SM then defended half sister and had a go at me about it. About 6 months ago I said that if they wanted to actually sort things out and deal with things, we'd love to hear from them, but until that day to leave us alone.

So the other day my soulless father let me know that my aunt (on my SM's side, but she was lovely and the only person on that side of the family we still had any contact with) has died. I'm really devastated as she was absolutely brilliant and we had a lovely relationship. Problem is, to go to the funeral involves travelling back there to be in a room with a lot of people that we don't really want to see and who have pulled ranks and shut us out (presumably due to what SM has told them, as it turns out she's a terrible shit stirrer and although I never knew until recently DH and I have now both had first hand experience of how she completely lies about what is said to her.)

I don't see why I should be pushed out, and if I want to go I think I should be able to, but realistically, there's a lot going on at the moment and I'm struggling to stay afloat - I'm not sure putting myself in a room full of people who are hostile towards us (and my SM, half-sister, step-cousin in particular will pull us to pieces) is a great thing for me to do right now.

I've been round and round with this since I found out - at first I thought no way can we go, then I changed my mind and changed it back again. I just can't decide. Any advice?

Funerals are for the living and the 'living' part of your family are all arseholes so feel free not to go .

I'm so sorry for your loss and I'm sure you can commemorate your aunt in any way you want to remember her without having to put yourself through being with them

I'm still dithering - it would actually be do-able to get there and back before the kids need picking up, I think. However, it occurred to me that the afterwards thing will no doubt be hosted by my SM. Not that we'd have been going to that anyway, but I'm not sure if that puts an added layer of awkward onto things?

I don't know why I'm being so indecisive - I hear what you're all saying, and I personally think that funerals are to help the living move on, and I'm not sure that I need to go for that. I did speak to my Aunt's daughter yesterday and although I thought she'd been blanking me (I sent a birthday card and a couple of emails and haven't heard a thing in months) she did talk to me and she was devastated. So I'm wondering if it would be a good thing to show my support?

Jesus, we're going to have to flip a coin at this rate.

Oh Bint, you really are tying yourself up in knots aren't you?

You say you thought Aunts daughter had been blanking you. What makes you think differently now? She can still be devastated about her mothers death, but a cow at heart. God that sounds horrible, I'm sorry, really, but if you do go, if you give her your support, what happens to you if she starts blanking you again once she's feeling stronger?

What happens to you if you get sucked back in by these people? YOU are alive, YOU are doing well without them.

Lovely flowers, strong message about how wonderful your Aunt was, maybe even a letter to aunts daughter with a message of support and a reminder of some of the lovely memories you have of Aunt.

But don't let SM hurt you again.

I am - I'm never great at making decisions at the best of times but this is particularly tough!

I did actually briefly speak to SM today as she texted me with funeral details (it is back to theirs afterwards, how did I guess) and I replied saying that I wish I'd known she was ill. She basically said that it was all a shock to everyone etc. She did say that she hoped we'd be coming. I feel in a very awkward position. What I can't get past is that fact that, in a nutshell:

1. They have accused me of being a liar (they reckon my dad was never violent with anyone and certainly not me )
2. They accused us of fabricating/over-exaggerating DS's car accident
3. They defend my nasty cow of a sister whilst I can do no right
4. They never bother with my children - haven't seen them in a year.
5. They don't give a shit enough to actually sort things out.
6. They tell people total bollocks about us (for example that we stop them seeing the kids when truth is they just can't be arsed. They refused to visit ds2 for over a fortnight after he was born.)
7. My father blanked me on my wedding day, wouldn't speak to me and actually turned his back on me and walked out at the end.

(That's quite a big nutshell.)

And yet I'm just supposed to forget all this "me not talking to them silliness" and do the right thing because if I don't I look like a petty shitbag, which they will delight in telling everyone.

And I know I shouldn't care, and what other people think of me is none of my business, but it strikes me as really bloody unfair that they can just spread their bullshit lies about us, they go unchallenged and everyone thinks that we're the bad guys.

I could just say - how can you possibly expect us to come when (see 1-5 above)

I think even though it will be difficult, if you think that you feel that you will regret it if you don't go, then go.

You could always say that you have to get home for school pick-up.

FWIW, I didn't go to my 'd'm's funeral in January. She had apparently told the person that looked after her affairs that she didn't want me there, and he is the type to have been wispering behind my back that 'Dulcie didn't want tb there'. I sort of decided that anyone who listened to the gossip wasn't worth considering, and, in the end it clashed with something quite important for dd that couldn't be changed. Also, it would have involved flights and several nights in a hotel.

Bint, I totally get it, totally understand how you feel. But you know what, I've reread the thread and I'm even more convinced that going to the funeral would be bad for you.

These people are nothing to you, really they aren't. They have done nothing for you, been horrible to you, made your life harder, and now, thanks to them you are going round circles trying to decide if you should put yourself out to attend the funeral, rather than actually grieving for your wonderful aunt

You may be right. If you don't go your SM could twist the reasons why, but if you aren't going to see these people again, does it matter? Your reasons are valid - but do you really want to be explaining all that at the funeral (to people who probably don't care or won't listen)

Think of how you feel now, how confused you are, how split in two. What if you still feel that way at the funeral? Could you cope with that as well as the grief?

If you do go, I think that arriving a little late, staying at the back and leaving straight after is the only way to do it. Don't put yourself through the hell that would be going back to the house.

I'm so sorry your crappy family is putting you through this.