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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

..to be disgusted?

49 replies

tadd · 22/03/2012 08:04

My DP and I have a 8 month old baby. I have recently started on new contraception and have not been feeling "in the mood". I come home (early) last night from a fitness class (they had changed the times). When I walk in the front door, I was greeted by panic. He is sat on the sofa, laptop next to him. He quickly closes the website he is on. "Oh you're home early!" Doesn't take a genius to work out what he was doing.
So, am I being unreasonable to be totally disgusted, shocked and now actually wondering how much trust I should have in him?
We are due to get married in 3 months and I am struggling to look at him with out being disgusted, I still feel sick.
He says to me last night that "You shouldn't be surprised, you have known how I have been feeling since Sunday"
May I add that for my first Mother's Day, all he mustered was a txt from work saying Happy Mother's Day. Is there any wonder I don't want to jump on top of a Man that has complete disregard and no appreciation of what I have given up to have his child.
So tell me ladies? Do I have a case or should I just shut up and put up, or even put out if I don't want him watching P*rn?

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 22/03/2012 08:17

You communicate with each other. Be honest with each other about your feelings. If there is no compromise and no-one wants to change, you consider ending the relationship. If everyone's happy to make changes, take it from there.

theseventhdwarf · 22/03/2012 08:20

I would be more concerned about the fact that he seemed to lay the blame
On yu for his actions. Have you discussed porn before - did he know your feelings about it?
I think you should be talking to him- is this a deal breaker for you?
I would be more Concerned re the type Of material he was looking at and the secrecy around it. Why does he feel he can't let you know about it?
Seems like you re both on the defensive attack too. Which, if you re about to get married in 3 months, seems like a sad place to be. Maybe an open discussion without laying blame would sort things out. Let him know where you stand re porn,
It seems unfoar for him to say its your fault he needs to take responsibility for his actions, of course you re not obliged to have sex if you re not feeling up to it, also of he can't be bothered to make the effort then I suppose you need to decide if you re in this relationship how to fix this problem. If his sexual Needs are not being met too I guess that could be frustrating for him - has he spoken about it before this incident? (not that it gives him a licence to do illegal stuff)

Happenstance · 22/03/2012 08:20

YABU it's Porn, he's not cheating on you. No you shouldn't put out if you don't feel like it but that doesn't mean your partner shouldn't be allowed to relieve himself, if he needs porn to do it then so be it.

I've had a horrible pregnancy and haven't felt like sex, but i know DP still has the erge, and i'm fine with it.

Do you have a case for what BTW? being discusted? i guess so but he's not forcing you to watch it with him and i would wager the poor man is to embarrassed to do it again.

Happenstance · 22/03/2012 08:23

Oops disgusted Blush

HairyLemon · 22/03/2012 08:24

what Cogito said.

You will however now be showered with YABU, all men look at it, they cant help it, they are slaves to their knobs, its normal, men are visual creatures (my personal fave) blah blah zzzzzzzzzzzzzz

knowitallstrikesagain · 22/03/2012 08:25

In AIBU you will get many conflicting views about whether or not you should be 'disgusted' by your DP watching porn. Some people do not mind it at all, especially if they are not feeling in the mood for sex themselves and appreciate this must be frustrating for their partner. Others will see it as degradation of women and him holding it over you to try and make you 'put out' as you say.

Either way, I would suggest you move this to relationships where people are not feeling quite so fighty. From your post it seems to be as much about the trust issues and time and attention you are both able to devote to each other as the porn. If you think carefully about what you want advice on, you will probably get some more useful responses.

pjmama · 22/03/2012 08:26

I think you're overreacting a bit. You don't want to do it right now, which is perfectly understandable, so he's taken matters into his own hands (pardon the pun!). Give him a break.

You probably do however need to have a discussion about whether your contraception is right for you, if you had a healthy sex drive before. If your reduction in libido is likely to be a long term or permanent thing, then that will put strain on your relationship. You need to figure this out together.

AnnieLobeseder · 22/03/2012 08:36

YABU. Both partners in a relationship are fully entitled to pleasure themselves, alone, whenever they like. There is no law that you should only seek sexual satisfaction with each other, only that you don't look outside the partnership. Masturbation is every single person's right, whether single or in a relationship.

littlepie · 22/03/2012 08:42

I had a VERY similar situation and initially felt horribly betrayed.

DH and I had watched porn in the past, so he didn't think I'd have a problem with it (not realising how I felt body wise post-baby). When I explained he said he wouldn't have done it if he had known how I was feeling.

After some posters pointed out I was being a bit controlling-can you dictate someone's masturbation habits (someone else put it much better for me!)? This made me realise that I had been a bit unreasonable (in our situation, not saying you are).

However the real issue for me was that it opened up a good line of communication for me and DH and we both felt much happier after we had talked about things.

The thing is you might feel differently to me about porn- that's not the issue. the point I'm trying to make is that you should talk to your DP and listen to each other.

Mother's Day is a different point and if I were you I would be really pissed off about that. That said it took my DH 3 years to start buying me decent presents and again that was down to communication!

YonWhaleFish · 22/03/2012 08:47

Is it the porn or masturbation that's a problem? You can't have issue with him masturbating, but youcan have issue with porn.

lizziebennet · 22/03/2012 08:51

I can't believe the posters who are discussing whether you are 'right' to feel disgusted. You feel how you feel.

I also think it's bizarre to talk about your 'lack of sex drive' maybe being down to your contraception - it sounds to me like it's down to you feeling unappreciated.

I would be incredibly upset if I came home to that - IMO there's a big difference between masturbation and watching porn - but I would also be totally irritated to be told that it was my own fault.

YANBU. Your DP needs to start putting effort into his real flesh and blood relationship, not take the lazy option of unreal women on a screen.

ohdearwhatdoidonow · 22/03/2012 09:09

People are answering if the OP is right to feel disgusted, as that is what she asked!!!!

AND

YABU - men wank, women wank, some use porn some don't.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 22/03/2012 09:16

I think you are projecting. If your DP had given you a nicer Mothers Day and showed more appreciation for what you do for your baby, do you think you would be this upset at him looking at porn? Or would you be able to see that he was just a man doing what lots of perfectly nice men do?

You need to identify what the real problem is here. Even if you aren't feeling turned on enough to have sex, your should still be able to be close. Is that side of things missing too?

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 22/03/2012 09:17

Lizzie, it is not bizarre to think that a lack of sex drive may be down to contraception, it's quite well known that some contraceptives can cause this. So can bfing.

AutumnSummers · 22/03/2012 09:18

I'd hazzard a guess that there's more to this than simple porn. Do you generally feel devalued by him? If so, maybe this was the catalyst.

Cherriesarelovely · 22/03/2012 09:25

I think I would be a bit shocked in these circumstances and I certainly wouldn't want it to become a regular thing for my Dp but OTOH I don't think I would be "disgusted", not saying you are wrong OP, just giving my opinion.

I totally understand the way you feel with your young baby and the change in contraception, I felt very similar when I had DD. However, I also understand how your DH might be feeling. My DP was off sex for months after surgery last year and after a while I did feel very frustrated and low. Not that i didn't understand that she (we are gay) needed the time to recover, nor did I make her feel horrible about it. I did tell her that I missed her in that way though.

Cassettetapeandpencil · 22/03/2012 09:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NarkedPuffin · 22/03/2012 09:38

Ladies? A case? Most odd.

People masturbate. Not a betrayal, not an issue. You might want him to not masturbate on the sofa. Talk to him.

Porn is a real issue for many people for many reasons. If you feel this way, talk to him.

A text for Mothers' Day and the suggestion that you are somehow responsible for his choice to masturbate to porn on the sofa because you didn't feel like sex? Definitely talk to him. You are his partner and will soon be his wife. If you feel unappreciated and emotionally pressured to have sex when you don't want to you need to communicate this and see how he responds.

GeekCool · 22/03/2012 09:41

Um you definitely shouldn't have to put out to stop him. That then means you are having sex because it is what he wants.

I wish they could hurry up with a male hormone contraceptive. Some men have no fucking clue what hormonal contraceptives do to a woman and her body.

Original poster
tadd · 22/03/2012 09:44

It is the Porn that is the issue. I understand that he might be frustrated, but OTOH, it has been a few days, not a few months. In the early days of our relationship we were long distance and if things went well we would see each other every w/e but occasionally we would go 2 weeks without seeing each other, I would encourage him to relieve his frustration , but he never would. He wanted me. I don't have a problem with wanking. I have a problem with seeking out and look at other women and watching them go at it. And more so I don't like the secrecy. If I had come home when I was meant to, then I wouldn't have known what he had done. (good or bad thing i don't know). But then thinking about that makes me shudder, would he have then wanted to have sex with me thinking about what he had just been watching or a certain girl he had liked?
As for my lack of libido, I have been blaming new contraception, but It might have something to do with a lack of appreciation as well.

OP posts:
FondleWithCare · 22/03/2012 09:50

Have you spoke about porn before and how you feel about it? If you have then he was wrong to use it but, if not, then how was he to know how it made you feel?

Masturbation is normal, healthy and natural even in a relationship and you absolutely cannot tell him that he can't wank. You can ask him to do it in the bathroom where you won't walk in on him.

Re mothers day: why were you expecting anything? You aren't his mother and, again, did you communicate that you expected anything?

I have a feeling that communication is the issue and you need to sit and talk honestly about your feelings. You feel unappreciated but how can that change without you both discussing how you feel, what you want to see changed and how you're going to go about it?

NarkedPuffin · 22/03/2012 09:51

Talk to him. Explain how it makes you feel. See what he says.

NarkedPuffin · 22/03/2012 09:55

I don't think it's odd to expect your DP to do something for your first Mothers' Day when you have an 8 month old baby together. Some might feel it's odd, but lots would feel exactly as the OP does.

StrandedBear · 22/03/2012 09:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Amateurish · 22/03/2012 10:03

YABU and completely over the top.

"totally disgusted, shocked and now actually wondering how much trust I should have in him? We are due to get married in 3 months and I am struggling to look at him with out being disgusted, I still feel sick."

Really? Having a wank over some porn? Get some perspective.

I might add that you don't actually know what he was looking at or doing. Did you ask him?

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