..to be disgusted?

[tadd]

My DP and I have a 8 month old baby. I have recently started on new contraception and have not been feeling "in the mood". I come home (early) last night from a fitness class (they had changed the times). When I walk in the front door, I was greeted by panic. He is sat on the sofa, laptop next to him. He quickly closes the website he is on. "Oh you're home early!" Doesn't take a genius to work out what he was doing.
So, am I being unreasonable to be totally disgusted, shocked and now actually wondering how much trust I should have in him?
We are due to get married in 3 months and I am struggling to look at him with out being disgusted, I still feel sick.
He says to me last night that "You shouldn't be surprised, you have known how I have been feeling since Sunday"
May I add that for my first Mother's Day, all he mustered was a txt from work saying Happy Mother's Day. Is there any wonder I don't want to jump on top of a Man that has complete disregard and no appreciation of what I have given up to have his child.
So tell me ladies? Do I have a case or should I just shut up and put up, or even put out if I don't want him watching P*rn?

No but it isn't his fault that he didn't get her anything for mothers day if she hadn't said so. I have a 4 month old and didn't expect anything. If I had then I would have said something to him. It's all about communicating with each other, neither one of you can read the mind of the other.

I would agree with you op - YANBU. I personally cannot stand porn, and wouldn't be able to tolerate a partner using it - I think porn does immense damage to society and in particular to young men who use it, become addicted to it and find it has a damaging affect on their real-life sex lives - unrealistic expectations of what women look like, how women should behave/be degraded etc.

Anyway, without outing myself too much, I know my dh doesn't use porn - in a previous job he had dealings with porn (not the porn industry directly - think IT and downloads) and that has completely opened his eyes to the reality and degradation of the industry. We have talked about the topic a lot.

You need to have a proper discussion with your husband about this - explain your feelings about porn, your reasons for disliking it, for disliking his secrecy. You need to think through his reasons for blaming you for his behaviour (utterly unacceptable) and you need to think about your relationship. You talk of feeling unappreciated and sound a bit bitter about 'what you've given up' to have your baby. Seething resentment is no good in a relationship - and definately no good for your sex life. Talk to him.

Don't let anyone on here tell you that you should accept porn in your relationship just because they do.

*Sorry I just re-read that and I missed out a sentence so it sounds a bit wrong.

I think porn does immense damage damage to society, primarily to the people working in the porn industry, but also to the young men viewing it....because it gives them an unrealistic expectation of what women's bodies should look like, how women should behave etc.

YABVU. I don't understand women who feel threatened by porn, never have, never will. I am aghast you would LEAVE your partner over it. You have a child together!

Simply outrageous.

YABU if you have never told him how upsetting you find porn.

I don't find it as much of a deal breaker as you obviously do. I think he was unreasonable for heaping the blame on you.

If you have a hatred of porn because it is expolitative then that's absolutely fine, but if you haven't told your DP then he might not realise that. You need to talk to him calmly about how awful you find it and you can both work out where to go from there

If you are furious and disgusted because he was looking at other women and not only thinking of you then YABU. Over the years I've thought about lots of different men when I'm having, ahem, personal time, and it's rarely never DH. That doesn't mean that I don't fancy DH, but it's nice to have some fantasy variety. Doesn't mean I love him any less. I fantasize about eating my own body weight in chocolate cake sometimes as well, but doesn't mean I actually want to do it.

Agree with Paiviaso. It's about your confidence in yourself. Porn in itself means nothing. I cannot believe you would consider leaving the father of your child over it. Totally OTT

It's nothing to do with confidence or being threatened, that is a myth made up by the porn peddlers.

Can you not accept that I just despise the porn industry because it is exploitative?

I totally agree with the poster above "runningfirthebusinheels".I totally understand your views on porn as they are my views also! I'm not comfortable with it never have been and I'm glad my other half doesn't have a need for it! X

To me it is just porn, but if you have told him your views on porn then he should respect your views.

Lots of different issues there. You are not in the mood and are feeling unappreciated and disappointed, which may be exaggerating your reactions to things. I'm not sure if

a) You are disgusted by him getting turned on by looking at people other than you you
b) you are disgusted by the idea of the porn industry itself
c) you are disgusted by him not being able to wait until you're in the mood again

If you do feel strongly that you don't want him to ever look at porn again, you need to talk to him about it.

@hairy lemon
all men look at it, they cant help it

Don't be so bloody pathetic and gender sterotype - My DH doesnt - well not unless I instigate it. And I do a lot more instigating then he does!

Yanbu, porn is degrading for both women and men, if he is frustrated he is well within his rights to have a wank but he can use his imagination like men have being doing for millennia before the Internet came along.

he can use his imagination like men have being doing for millennia before the Internet came along.

Or he could buy magazines, or get a red top tabloid or he could have (back in victorian times) bought postcards , going back further he could have bought scripts and drawn pictures ......... porn has been around for a millenia or more

I agree porn has been around for Millennia but mostly it was not actual people being filmed or photographed. Everyone has sexual fantasies of some sort, and these fantasies have always made their way onto paper/parchment/papyrus/clay tablet for the entertainment of otherS. My problem with porn these days is that real men women and children are degrading themselves or being degraded.

Re the Mothers Day, men don't understand about Mothers Day, except for their own mothers and even then only if nagged by their partners so just drop some heavy hints next year, a week or so before.

Re the porn, you need to speak to each other about the issues here, & clear the air. Pick a time when you're both calm and not stressed (not easy when you've got a new baby!). It will help if you can be open-minded about this & listen to him, even if it does disgust you. He is still the same bloke that you know & love.

Good luck.

Porn would be a deal breaker for me. It's nothing more than sexualised violence. It is degrading, vile and lots of men don't use it because of their ethical stance.

The question is : is porn a deal-breaker for you?

I wouldn't marry him-look you are not even married yet and he's treating you in a disrespectful way. You said you feel unappreciated and this is BEFORE you are married? It's not going to get better! YANBU, he sounds like a right catch NOT! So you go out to the gym and he's watching porn on the Internet? Your little daughter was asleep upstairs? That's just creepy and gross.

Does DP know how you feel about porn? DH knows it's a deal breaker for me, so if we were in your situation he knows he would be out of the door. But if you haven't had the conversation, now is the time to do so, but you can't really threaten to split up with him over something he maybe didn't know meant so much to you. This doesn't mean you can't feel hurt and betrayed, by the way.

I also suggest in talking to him that you leave the Mother's Day stuff to one side, this incident really is nothing to do with it.

To all the posters who's partners and themselves watch porn please don't think that just because you watch it think that everyman uses it just as we who don't watch it and choose not to have it in our lives realise everybody isn't the same as us,it's a very narrow minded point of view to think all men use it as one poster said!

tadd

What is important to you? How far are you prepared to take this?

If you asking for opinions, then my view is that what happened is not very significant.

Your view may be very different.

Others on here agree so take from this thread what you will.

Your partner obviously needs visual stimulation to beat his meat. So you have a few choices

let him watch porn

tell him to remember past partners
make him a sex tape

either way get over it