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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be cross about this

31 replies

SaraBellumHertz · 21/03/2012 06:01

This might out me but I'm cross so need some perspective.

I share a school run with a close friend.

Yesterday she approached me after school with the following version of events (names changed obviously!):

"just so you know I shouted at all the kids this morning. I didn't see what happened but Fiona apparently kicked Fred in the head, I didn't see her but then Fred punched Fiona in the stomach so I shouted at them. Fred stormed off into school. Just so you know"

Fiona is 6, Fred is 5. Both year 1.

When I picked up my DS his teacher told me that she had found him crying in the corridor before school. She told me he was upset about being told off.

When I spoke to DS he admitted punching but maintained that he had been kicked in the head first. He said that my friend had shouted at him for being "nasty" and that her DC hadn't been told off, complaining "fiona never gets told off, but everyone always shouts at me". My 7 year old DD confirmed that it was just DS who had been shouted at and that he had been deliberately kicked.

It was my friends turn to do the school run this morning so I text her to say I would take my DC. I didn't hear anything back.

I don't know what to do. I am upset that my DS was so upset but don't really know how to deal with this going forward. My friend is lovely but she is a little blind to the way her DD can behave, an example being that my 7 year old recently said she didn't want to play with her so much because she always cries to get her own way and it is boring.

I don't want to fall out with my friend and wish I could just let it go but I feel so sad for my little boy crying on his own at school because he thinks he gets blamed for everything

OP posts:

JustHecate · 21/03/2012 06:43

Yes. I think doing your own school run and letting her do hers is probably a good start.

How did he get kicked in the head on the school run? Had he fallen over? Been pushed?

I think you should just pull back, do your own school run and see your friend alone socially. Unless you feel that her treatment of your son is so unfair that it makes you not want to be friends with someone who could treat your child badly. I don't know enough about the set up here from your OP to form any sort of opinion on that.

OriginalJamie · 21/03/2012 06:51

I agree with Hecate.

Neither of you saw this particular incident, but if you have concerns that your son isn't being treated fairly, then I'd limit opportunities for this to occur.

Megatron · 21/03/2012 06:58

I would be inclined to have a chat with your friend about it and let her know your concerns. Tell her what the teacher told you and what your DSs version of events is, it doesn't have to be done in a horrible way, just tell her. If my DCs were involved I would want to know. If she's not interested then you kind of know where you stand with this but she obviously knew there was some issue with the shouting because she told you about it first. Does she always just yell at them in these situations? Granted it may have been one of those 'got to get to school' stressy moments but if she's always very shouty with your DS that would piss me off too.

OriginalJamie · 21/03/2012 07:00

That's true Megatron - getting her excuses in first?

Bunbaker · 21/03/2012 07:03

I used to share the school run with a friend and if any of children - hers or mine were naughty I would tell them all off collectively. DD used to complain that it wasn't her fault, but I was very wary of being reported back to my friend that I shouted only at her children.

JustHecate · 21/03/2012 07:04

Talking when there is even a suggestion of a criticism of their child never ends well when the parent is as described above "My friend is lovely but she is a little blind to the way her DD can behave"

ding-a-ling-a-ling! massive offence will (probably) be taken from any conversation that suggests daughter is wrong in any way.

Megatron · 21/03/2012 07:07

Probably Hecate . I think we all have a friend with a perfect child don't we!

JustHecate · 21/03/2012 07:09

Oh yes. Their child is soooooo much more important than your child.

In fact, you're supposed to care more about their child than your child!

ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged · 21/03/2012 07:16

The line "everyone always shouts at me" really uoset me. Please consider changing your arrangements. I don't have any experience of it as a mother (DS is only 7mo) but as a child my brother and I used to go to a child minder (friend of mum's) with two of her own children and almost every day the older one found something to blame me for. I was told off most mornings for things I hadn't done for years and years. I can't actually remember what eventually led to mum changing our arrangements (the magic of childhood memory & the ability to block things out!), but I know it was serious and I know mum was really upset that she'd left me in that situation for so long (understandably beleiving it was just childish silliness) That girl continued to bully me throughout primary and secondary school and when I see her name come up on Facebook I still shiver (she regularly tries to 'friend' me for some reason )

Original poster

SaraBellumHertz · 21/03/2012 09:34

atruth that is awful

The kick happened because the girls were sat in the back row of the car with their feet up on the top of the seats in front where my DS and her DS were sitting. They do this in my car also with the express intention of winding each other up. Normally the boys are as bad as the girls in this respect but prior to this incident no one had kicked anyone.

My gut feeling is that talking would achieve nothing other than ill feeling and I genuinely don't want that.

I do t think my friend shouts all the time and I can't criticise because I have shouted at them all on ocassion: 5 primary kids in the car on a morning can do that to me

The sharing the school run will end but we see a lot of each other as families socially and I don't want that to stop.

I feel awful about the everyone shouts at me comment because if I'm honest DS does tend to get the brunt of things. He has a tendency to "lash out" in response to verbal or low level annoyances which I am embarrassed about and so I tend to get cross without addressing the reason why he lashed out (eg his big sister will go on at him, name calling or similar and he will ignore, ignore, ignore and then he will snap and I get cross for him pushing her). I will tell my DD off as well but by then she is crying because she's been pushed over or had a toy thrown at her

OP posts:

mrspepperpotty · 21/03/2012 09:43

OP, your last post is interesting. As well as stopping the school run sharing arrangement, I think you need to address your own treatment of your DS. Obviously he must be taught not to use violence, but it sounds like he is being categorised as "a naughty boy" when there is a bit more to it than that - once you start thinking of your child in this way, it is very difficult for you or him to move away from that perception. You can't really blame your friend for falling into this trap if you tend to do it too!

I was a very annoying little sister who would deliberately wind my brother up until he snapped and lashed out at me and got into trouble. I recently told my mum this and she was shocked to hear my point of view - she had genuinely always thought that I was the "good" child and my brother was the "difficult" child.

MrsKittyFane · 21/03/2012 09:47

I would do your own school run.
If you share you need to feel that your friend is being fair. If you can't accept her version of events and accept her way of disciplining your DC, take your DC to school yourself.

MrsKittyFane · 21/03/2012 09:51

Agree with mrspepper - I have seen DN1 goade her sister who then hits out resulting in DN2 screaming. They both get told off. Two wrongs don't make a right etc.
OP, yourDC deserved to be told off for hitting back.

Original poster

SaraBellumHertz · 21/03/2012 10:06

kitty I totally agree my DC deserved to be told off for hitting back. I don't think he deserved to be the only one shouted at when he had been kicked in the head.

I also don't think he deserved to be left so upset that he went into school crying.

OP posts:

lesley33 · 21/03/2012 10:08

This was my friend. I did eventually tell her her dog did smell.

lesley33 · 21/03/2012 10:09

Sorry OP I have inadvertently posted my comment on the wrong thread.

Original poster

SaraBellumHertz · 21/03/2012 10:11

To make it clear I don't categorise him as naughty, it is more that I feel that others might judge him and me unfairly if I don't make sure I immediately confront his bad begaviour (which isn't actually that regular).

You know the loud parent who always says to their child "oh jonnie yes I know it's awful when other naughty children take your toys there there"? Well I'm the opposite: even if DS has I think been a but hard done by I will still tell him that he mustn't behave in that particular manner because I don't want to appear to be indulgent/blinded/lax if you see what I mean? Sorry difficult to explain!

OP posts:

Original poster

SaraBellumHertz · 21/03/2012 10:12

Lesley thought there was some sort of hidden meaning I was supposed to understand there!

OP posts:

lesley33 · 21/03/2012 10:13

No meant to post on a dog thread obviously. Sorry

DeWe · 21/03/2012 10:39

Tbh my dd2 would say that "only she was shouted out" and "everyone shouts at her" when they had all been told off. She would also back her sister (or friends) up in that too.

I would also wonder (from experience with my dc) whether the kick in the head was a kick or a slight nudge from a foot in the wrong place. (Wouldn't let them put their feet up there anyway)

If you friend saw the punch in the stomach, but not the kick she may well have reacted worse to it anyway.

JaxTellerIsMyFriend · 21/03/2012 10:45

why the hell do you BOTH allow the children to sit with their feet up on the headrest of the seat infront? Not only is it dangerous if you happen to crash, but such a stupid thing.

Do your own school run and tell the kids to keep their feet on the floor and hands to themself.

MissFaversham · 21/03/2012 10:48

Yes OP stop sharing school runs with her.

I remember when my son was about 2 and I had to go back to work. A friend (who was a previous nanny) and had two small children of her own offered to look after mine. What a mistake that was. After about 2 weeks my son started to cling to me in the mornings and didn't want to go into her house. I'm not ashamed to say I pretented to walk away and stayed outside stalking for a day or two, I also "turned" up unannouced at a play group after watching from afar. What I witnessed was my son being left out and her always putting her kids first. I picked my son up and walked out of the playgroup and that was the end of it.

Pandemoniaa · 21/03/2012 10:56

I'm getting the impression that this school run arrangement is stressing everyone out (regardless of yesterday's incident) so I'd be inclined to give it a break for a while. Your friend may well feel similarly!

As for your ds getting wound up, I've been there. ds1 was particularly adept at goading his generally good humoured younger brother. He knew that if he kept this up for long enough, ds2 would snap and the results would always be physical, not helped by ds2 being a larger and stronger child. ds1 would then act like an outraged maiden aunt and assure me ds2 "had problems" and "needs punishing". Despite disliking the fighting, I wasn't prepared to blame ds2 when he'd been exposed to extreme provocation. So I took to nipping things in the bud and telling ds1 to wind his neck in long before he'd got ds2 to breaking point.

I agree that your ds needs to be reminded that retaliatory behaviour is not acceptable. But it is equally important that the child who provoked the response is told in no uncertain terms that you won't put up with it in the first place. Don't let your ds feel that he's entirely to blame just because you don't want to appear indulgent.

WorraLiberty · 21/03/2012 11:02

I don't understand the version of events.

I assumed Fred lashed out in anger at being kicked in the head

But if it happened in the car, did he remove his seat belt, climb over the back of the seat and punch her in the stomach?

Or did he wait until they were all out of the car and then do it 'cold' so to speak?

Original poster

SaraBellumHertz · 21/03/2012 11:06

dewe I wouldn't rely on my DS to give a wholly honest account of whether he was the only one shouted at but my DD would usually be the first to say her DBro was making things up, so I am 99% sure she was being honest about both that and the fact that it was a deliberate kick.

We obviously don't "allow" them to put their feet up, I didn't really think that needed explaining. They do it, they're told not to, sometimes they still do. Short of tying their legs to their car seats I'm a bit limited to what I can do whilst I am driving.

OP posts:

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