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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to consider a job that means I will barely see DP for the next year?

34 replies

ShadowsCollideWithPeople · 21/03/2012 03:25

I have been given a chance at a fantastic job opportunity (am in Uni). However, it will mean being away a lot. It is my dream job. It will also set DP and I up financially, for some time. However, I will only get home for about 18 weekends, out of the next 52 weeks. We have been TTC for many years now (started trying young), so I am only 27. Part of me is terrified of giving up TTC (after 5 unsuccessful years), but I am young, so we could return to TTCing, soon. We trust each other explicitly, I won't worry about being away from him, although I will miss him horribly. It is my dream job, so I know I should go for it, but the sappy part of me worries about missing him. Please tell me to cop on and get past that! Wink

OP posts:
Iheartpasties · 21/03/2012 03:42

ttc for 5 years, thats quite a long time!

tadjennyp · 21/03/2012 03:46

You would regret it terribly if you don't, but I would get yourself checked out as 5 years is a long time. Good luck!

Original poster
ShadowsCollideWithPeople · 21/03/2012 03:52

See, Iheartpasties, that is what I thought too. 5 years, v long time. Too long. I think I now need to move on, to something else. Years of TTC are destroying me, destroying us. A job that makes me focus on something else might be good. Aaaargh. Frazzled head.

OP posts:
exhackette · 21/03/2012 04:00

I left my DH for about nine months or so when I was posted abroad - a long way away - for my job and during that time we only saw each other for two weeks when he came out to visit for a holiday. It WAS hard and I think we were both a bit lonely but I wouldn't have missed it - it was a fantastic experience. If you are not too far apart in distance could your DP come to visit you some weekends as well as you going home at other times? And if you're working weekends might his schedule allow him to come during the week or whenever you have a day or so off? A little flexibility might go a long way and there may be other suggestions as to how this might work. It's very clear that if you didn't go you would regret it, so I'd at least give it a try.

MurrayHewitt · 21/03/2012 04:07

What is the job?
It does seem like a massive jump from trying to conceive to being apart all the time. But if it is your dream job, then nothing is Insurmountable. I would do it.

mockingjay · 21/03/2012 05:20

I am coming out the other end of having done this... every bit of me is saying don't do it!! it has been awful.

emmyloo2 · 21/03/2012 05:35

I would say absolutely go for it if it is a job you really want and financially it is going to be beneficial. Have you received assistance in TTC? I mean fertility treatment etc? I would have thought that would be the next step but possibly this can be done, even with you working away?

I have spent 12 months plus away from my DH (before we were married) when I studied overseas and yes it was hard but it was worth it. If you had children, then absolutely I would say don't do it, but without children, I think it is doable. But then I am someone who copes very well with being alone (before children that is).

What is the job?

PorridgeBrain · 21/03/2012 06:05

Is it only for one year? What happens after a year?

Jinsei · 21/03/2012 07:36

A year is a short time in the life of a long-term relationship. It will be tough at times, but if your relationship is strong, you'll get through it. I think you should go for it.

And kind of agree with others that 5 years ttc is quite long, maybe you should get yourself checked out. Then again, it might just happen when you stop trying! :)

ifancyashandy · 21/03/2012 07:43

Go! Go! Go!

If your relationship is strong enough, you'll survive the temporary separation. And if sadly doesn't, you'll have a strong career to support yourself with.

A wise woman once said 'nurture & treasure your career, for it is yours and no-one can take out away from you'.

ifancyashandy · 21/03/2012 07:44

take it not 'out'

chocolatehobnobs · 21/03/2012 07:46

Go for it if it is your dream job. I did this last year and was away for 15 months only home 3 weekends out of 4. We were also ttc. I had a great year in terms of my career and would do it again for sure despite getting up at 4 30am on a Monday. DP was not so happy about it and we did have a few issues but in general we spent much more time together at weekends and felt more in love. Lots of weekend shagging later and we have a baby DS now.

MrsSnow · 21/03/2012 08:34

If your DP doesn't mind go for it. A change from thinking about TTC 24/7 will probably make a massive difference and probably help.

Go for it!

AliceHurled · 21/03/2012 08:40

I'd do it. It's only a year and you'll still see each other. I did a vaguely similar thing and although there were times it was difficult I now have my dream job, am pregnant and have essentially managed to create a pretty perfect life for myself. Twas totally worth it.

HardCheese · 21/03/2012 09:20

I say go for it, and I've done something like this for a longer period, with no ill effects on a very happy longterm relationship. A year isn't long, you'll appreciate every second you do have together, and you're young enough to take a holiday from conception efforts. I've never felt that a relationship, even the happiest, should involve sacrificing all personal desires and ambitions.

EmmaCate · 21/03/2012 10:04

ifancyashandy has it for me. I would go for it as you are still young and if it was me and I didn't take it up I would continuously be wondering 'what if'.

A break from ttc may be just what the doctor ordered; you would stop dwelling on it and relax and there is lots of anecdotal evidence to suggest that helps.

FamiliesShareGerms · 21/03/2012 10:11

Go for it. You have set out all the brilliant things it would give you. I worked away for nearly a year before we got married; it wasn't easy but we survived. And easier to do it before kids than after.

Bon voyage!

lilbitneurotic · 21/03/2012 10:13

IME a year out is too long and can put some serious strain on any relationship.

CMOTDibbler · 21/03/2012 10:18

Go for it - you won't be apart all the time. The year before I got pg with ds, I was away 220 nights and that wasn't a one off thing. DH and I have a great relationship

MrsHoarder · 21/03/2012 10:21

It will put strain on your relationship, have you done the long distance thing before? I have and found it very hard.

Would this give you more time after the year to spend time out with your DP/medical investigations if you were to go down that route etc?

mmmerangue · 21/03/2012 10:22

Go for it - You will regret not doing it more than you could regret being apart for a year - no time at all really!

And if you really really hate it - you can always quit!

Good Luck :)

Jinsei · 21/03/2012 10:24

IME a year out is too long and can put some serious strain on any relationship.

Yes, but if the relationship isn't strong enough to take that strain, it's probably better to know that before embarking on that other big strain of having children?

DH and I were apart for a year before having kids, and probably saw each other about one weekend a month. We still have lots of shorter periods apart, and it's fine - if anything, that year apart made us more sure of our commitment to one another.

My DSis and her DH also lived in different countries for about 18 months, and only saw each other a few times during that period. It's easy to keep in touch these days though, so not such a big deal unless you make it one.

Ephiny · 21/03/2012 10:24

I would do it. DP and I lived apart for three years due to his work and my studying, we tried to see each other every other weekend though it was sometimes less often if we were busy. It was absolutely fine, yes I did miss him sometimes and felt a bit sad on Sunday evenings when he left :(, but I coped! You really look forward to the time together, and make the most of it as well, I think it makes you appreciate each other more, and even know we live together I never take him for granted.

We were not however at the stage of TTC at the time, and had never lived together, so it is a bit different. I still think you should go for it though - you're still young, it's only a year and you might never get another opportunity like this.

How does your DP feel about it?

JaneB1rkin · 21/03/2012 10:24

Can he possibly come and see YOU for the other weekends? IME a week away at a time and a weekend together isn't all that bad, you will be used to it soon. More pressing to me is the idea that after 5 years you've not managed to conceive.
Have you had any discussion with your GP about this? If not it might be time to seek some help and find out what's going on as at your age this is I think an unusual amount of time not to have conceived naturally.

Good luck with everything x

JobCarHouseNoBaby · 21/03/2012 10:24

IME (lived and worked abroad for 10mths and saw DP for three weeks) it can put a lot of pressure on you both. We went through some very rough patches. We were a lot younger though (20). Ultimately it made our relationship stronger and now we think 'if we can survive that we can survive anything'.

My tips would be to set firm dates sp you know when you will see eachother next (gives you both somethings to lool forward to) and agree when to phone eachother each day. For me, there was nothing more frustrating than trying to speak to DP when he was at a mates house/pub.

Also all that build up to a weekend of seeing eachother might help TTC...

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