Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that 2 months is long enough to wait for a thank you for a gift.

62 replies

Isla77 · 20/03/2012 22:55

My niece and her partner had a baby girl 2 months ago. Of course I was delighted for them and immediately bought a card and some presents for the baby. Now I live 500 miles away from my family so we do not see one another all that regularly but I keep in touch by phone with my sisters (my parents are deceased) and always send nice birthday and christmas presents to my nieces and nephews and their partners as well as to my sisters and their DH's. I have still not heard a word from my niece about the presents I bought for the baby and feel very disappointed that she has not sent a thank you card or even just sent a text to me to say she received the gifts. I know it is a busy time for her but she finds plenty time for going on Facebook and for meeting up with friends (from what I read on Facebook). I am close to saying something to my sister but feel that might not be appropriate. I feel my family has just written me off because I am a long way away from them. It is me who makes the effort to keep in touch by phoning, never forgetting birthdays etc. I feel very hurt by their treatment. When I had my own two children (now in their teens) my sisters sent gifts and I phoned them on the day the gifts arrived. I am feeling quite hurt about it to be honest.

OP posts:
thisisyesterday · 20/03/2012 22:57

it's nothing to do with your sister is it? if your niece is old enough to have kids she is old enough to speak to on the phone herself surely?

ring her, ask if she got the present as you hadn't heard anything from them.

do they normally send thanks for presents you send?

tumbleweedblowing · 20/03/2012 23:00

I'm not defending, because this is a problem we face often, and I am on the verge of stopping all gifts to the offending sections of the family.

BUT

Someone did once send us what I later heard was a really beautiful gift for our DD2, and we didn't receive it. Do check it has arrived before you get too upset and fall out with them.

Finger crossed.

treadwarily · 20/03/2012 23:04

I would check because we've had gifts go missing in the post.

If she has received, then that's one problem solved. Then you can decide whether to bother with them in future.

Sadly there are many people who just don't seem to possess manners so it could be that your neice is one of them.

FilterCoffee · 20/03/2012 23:06

YABU. I'm sure she will get around to it in time.

BackforGood · 20/03/2012 23:12

I don't think it would be unreasonable to ask if she has received it/them, next time you phone or are in touch on FB or e-mail. Things do go missing. Your expression of "Oh, that's good, only I was worried as I'd not heard anything from you" then ought to act as a bit of a prompt to her.

Original poster
Isla77 · 20/03/2012 23:22

Thanks for replies.
"thisisyesterday" - I usually receive a text say something like " Thanks for pressies" for birthday gifts and I speak to my family on the phone on Christmas Day.
"tumbleweedblowing" and "treadwarily" - I know they received them because I texted my sister asking if the parcel arrived a week after the baby was born.
"FilterCoffee" - I am afraid I think 2 months is more than long enough although others may think I am being unreasonable in thinking that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Isla77 · 20/03/2012 23:23

BackforGood - thanks for your reply.

OP posts:
treadwarily · 20/03/2012 23:24

Ah well then she has been rude. And I wouldn't bother sending any more either.

BluddyMoFo · 20/03/2012 23:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Annoyedbygossip · 20/03/2012 23:28

I think YABabitU. I sent a gift to my cousin's new baby at the beginning of January, and haven't heard anything yet. I'm not bothered really - I think new parenthood can be completely overwhelming for some, and these things don't always get done when they should.

For all you know, your niece may have PND or something.

Marshy · 20/03/2012 23:34

Some people, like your niece i think, just don't do the 'thank you cards' thing and those who do obviously think that is very rude.

Not sure how you can resolve this in a way which will enable you to come out of it feeling ok. Tbh, you and your gift are probably not top of her priority list atm - sorry if that sounds harsh, i don't mean it to be, but i think that is likely to be just the way it is.

Asterisk · 20/03/2012 23:35

I think you need to cut her some slack. Time goes so quickly when you have a new baby and it is really difficult to focus on anything but your baby. I think it worth dropping you niece a text asking how it is going and did they like the gifts? That will prompt her to say thanks and a family rift can be avoided. Of course she should not need reminding, but I think you need to forgive a bit of thoughtlessness at a stressful time for them. I know sometimes my thank you cards have spent longer than they should have on the mantelpiece for want of getting to the PO.

iwastooearlytobeayummymummy · 20/03/2012 23:35

I'd just give her a ring and ask how she's getting on, and leave it at that.
I personally love chosing gifts for newborns as it gives me so much pleasure and don't expect anything in return, as I remember how manic those first few months can be.Ii'm sure it's not an intentional snub.

verysmellyeli · 20/03/2012 23:36

I just don't think most people do thank yous any more. I have several godchildren. One or two are brilliant - proper letters. The others - nothing. Birthday, Christmas - nothing. It pisses me off a bit, as I always make an effort to get presents and cards to them on time, but it doesn't piss me off enough to stop sending gifts as I love giving presents - sad but true.

So - YANBU. But try not to let it wind you up.

SundaeGirl · 20/03/2012 23:39

YABU. Very.

She has a new baby. You may have forgotten, or just have been incredibly organised, but for many people stuff just slips past when you have a new baby and you're exhausted and maybe struggling a bit or whatever.

It is nothing to do with where you live. It's bound to be nothing to do with 'you' and you shouldn't take it personally. Don't dwell and try not to be touchy.

SundaeGirl · 20/03/2012 23:41

And I think resenting her going for coffee from what you've seen on facebook reflects badly on you, not her.

roseum · 20/03/2012 23:49

It mayn't be a snub- we have a 7 week-old, and people have been very kind - loads of lovely presents. I am slowly working my way through all the thank-you letters, but it is taking a while round the demand feeding, lack of sleep, trying to get washing done (loads more washing since he throws up on/ nappy explodes on quite a lot), prepare and eat food etc. etc. There have been days when I dont get breakfast until 2 or 3 in the afternoon, never mind getting showered and dressed. What I'm trying to say is your niece may just not have got round to it yet.
(before anyone asks, I am slowly typing this one-handed while baby is latched on and feeding - there is no way I could write a legible thank-you card instead!)

stargirl1701 · 20/03/2012 23:51

It took me 2 months to write the thank you cards for my wedding. I think that is reasonable. She has had a baby...maybe cut her some slack?

FondleWithCare · 20/03/2012 23:57

She has a newborn, I'm sure she's busy at the moment and it won't be a priority for her right now.

I've never sent a thank you card, I'm not rude or ungrateful, it's just not something that I've ever done. I love shopping for other people and getting gifts for them that I know they're going to love and have never received a thank you card from anybody.

Call her, ask how she is and did she like the gift. You'll get a thank you from her then I'm sure.

thejoanwilder · 20/03/2012 23:58

What roseum said. We got a ton of gorgeous gifts at my baby shower, then our lo arrived 3 days later 3 weeks ahead of schedule. We're gradually getting there, but with a 2 week old sometimes I opt for 20 mins of housework or an hours kip when she is asleep. If I'm lucky I have my phone on me and can Facebook while she feeds. So don't take it personally :)

SodoffBaldrick · 21/03/2012 00:05

SundaeGirl - I think you are being too harsh on the OP. She isn't being very unreasonable, any more than the niece is being very rude by not acknowledging the gift.

I mean, how difficult is it to fire off a quick text? Clearly she's not struggling so much that even that would be impossible.

Anyway, I don't think this is really 100% about the lack of a 'thank you' per se, but rather that it's indicative of you feeling left out of the family a bit. I think when you live far away from family the onus is on you to be the one to stay in touch, and I say this as someone in that position.

I think your neice has been a bit rude to not even acknowledge the gift, but I think you need to find a way to get over it or you'll be simmering in resentment for ever more. :)

Kitty5824 · 21/03/2012 00:06

my ds arrived 23rd dec....i have purchased thank you cards and had some photo's printed to put in them....that is as far as I have got Blush

SodoffBaldrick · 21/03/2012 00:15

But yes, it could genuinely be that she is planning to send cards out and simply hasn't got around to it yet. 2 months really isn't out of the realms of possibility.

I bought thank you cards and stamps (both our families lived in different countries) before both DC arrived and was able to fire out cards as soon as the gifts were received, but I fully acknowledge this is unbelievably anal and not normal. :)

As an aside, there is nothing lovelier than receiving a gift from someone who cares about you and has gone to the effort and expense of choosing something and posting it.

This is why I send 'thank yous' - it's just an acknowledgement of that.

And in return, it is so nice to receive something in the post that's not junk and not bills, but instead a card from someone who's written to say thank you. If you've never received a thank you card from someone you probably don't realise how thoughtful it is. If you have, then you know how lovely it is.

oikopolis · 21/03/2012 00:20

when i give a gift, it doesn't even occur to me to wonder where the thank you is. the joy is in giving the gift.

you know she received it, that's all that matters.

stalking her on facebook to ascertain whether her lack of thank you is ok or not is just silly. and feeling that your family has "written you off" because of a small faux pas on the part of a new mum is a serious overreaction.

yabu

also please don't contact her mum about what she has done. why would you do such a bizarre thing? just leave it, and forgive her. be gracious.

GnocchiGnocchiWhosThere · 21/03/2012 00:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Swipe left for the next trending thread