To wonder how anyone manages being a working mum?

[TiredofYorks]

In the last 4 weeks I've had one full week at work (a full week for me actually being a 3 day week).

The first week in the 4 week period my daughter who is 18 months had a nasty urine infection and was admitted to hospital, so there was no where I would rather have been than by her side. So I didn't feel guilty about that week.

The second week I ended up with a throat infection and so had to take yet another week off work as I just wasn't able.

I managed a full week without issues last week and made it into the office yesterday but today on the way to work / nursery, my daughter was sick all over herself so nursery understandably wouldn't take her so I had to take a day off today again.

How do people do it? I feel so guilty and that I really aren't pulling my weight. Right now I would love to take a career break if only we could afford it!

My employers don't say much and I do 3 days a week. I feel bad though. ESP since DH is perfectly able to cover, but will do so very reluctantly and call me at work shouting about how "what kind of mother puts their employer before their children" sigh.

As it is, I will be fully available from home have access to email, take calls etc. I work for nothing on my days 'off' around 20 hours a month from home and the occasional conference (x3 a month, lasting a couple of hours a time when I MAKE DH cover or there is a childminder if I am desperate, but that is so expensive.

They are never sick on your non work days though are they?! Aggggrrah. I spend more than half of my salary on nursery childcare. I forced DH to pay for CM since she is covering what should be his job.

OP I started a similar thread no so long ago.

I work from home and this isn't usually a problem, however I had one meeting to attend and one of my DC was ill that day. I couldn't go. No DH in the country. No family near by.

The answers from working Mums seemed to be
-family near by who can step in

• parents taking it in turns to cover illness (cue lots of arguments about who was most busy)
• sending DC to nusery/school dosed up when they clearly weren't well enough to go.

-nanny

Bloody bloody hard and I take my hat off to every one of you who manages it!

I have tentatively agreed to take up a post in September. It will involve me WOH one perhaps two evenings a week. And though I cannot turn it down (I want to do it sooooo much) I am dreading the logistics.

Last night my 2 dcs have been up all night vomitin( 8 and 10) i am a lone parent their dad lives 200 miles away,and my mum ,plan b .broke her hand yesterday so can't look after them.
So after ,crying,stressing and no sleep ,i fired off about ten texts to cancel rearrange things.I have a job and then work on a freelance type basis for others so feel like I am in a constant juggling act to make sure that everyone gets enough off me.
Generally I love my work, its very rewrding but today I could throw the whole fuckin lot in, am so tired off this juggling act, of doing it myself of organising everything.worried now I will get so stressed I will need to go off sick. Aaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh

Tired - your post could have been me when DS first started nursery - we went seamlessly from him being ill so I had to use my annual leave, to me being ill and notching up sick leave, to him being ill and so on... Nightmare. It ended with me being referred to occupational health (highspot of the interview was a surreal questionnaire on depression, with questions like "do you feel as though you're rushing around the whole time?", "yes, I feel that way, because I am rushing around the whole time", "do you enjoy books and films as much as you used to?", "where the hell would I find time to do that?...)

But the good news is it does settle. You both eventually develop immune systems of steel (though someone's been at mine with kryptonite recently - I'm actually off sick today). I managed to go from total chaos to getting an above average mark in my annual staff review, and I'm doing some useful work (and the firm think it's useful enough that they've actually given me a bonus). So hang on in there, it will improve.

Wordfactory, not everyone does have family nearby to help (ours are 160 miles away - but only 15 miles apart from each other).

September sounds interesting for you - if you don't have other options to rely on, this far out, can you start looking for a "strange hours" nanny-type option? I don't mean a CM that you bring your DCs to them, more someone who comes to your house. Are the DC's old enough to mostly manage themselves and just need a supervisor/responsible adult around, or still need lots of help? So, might a (responsible) babysitter or college student be an option, rather than a more formal "childcare professional" type service?

Can you eat with them before you go or leave meals ready (say lasagne to pop into oven or pasta/curry sauce made to just reheat and boil up rice/pasta)? Would they need help with homework? Could they make their own school lunches and lay out clothes, or could you do this before you go out (rather than having to turn around at silly o'clock when you get in to do it, or having stress in the mornings)? Can you get away with bath/showers being alternate nights that you're not working? Are there afterschool things that need to be thought of on the same nights you're working?

Pardon me if I am stating the obvious - it sounds tricky but I've found (with a DH currently overseas and his are more intermittant but getting increasingly frequent!!) that thinking this way can help me (I work FT daytime - but things like meals ready when I get in, afterschool activities, and organising the schedule to suit busier and quieter days IS sooooooo important for me to keep on top of it all). but it IS do-able!!

(I'm very VERY thankful that the only day DD was ill this year, it was a septic cut on her knee in the afternoon that responded to overnight treatment and she was able to go to school next day, so I only missed a - VERY much anticipated - social engagement at work (35 retiring within a short period so a big bash was held) rather than actual work). But DH knows he owes me BIG TIME for what I have kept together over the past year.

same here, am off today, ds is ill, have no family to help out, no granny or Mil who pops over

shit.. really

I didn't work a full (3 day) week the whole of the first winter that DD1 was at daycare. My boss was OK about it generally although would be very short with me on the phone when I called in. That daughter now never catches anything and my second had so many colds in her first year (me on mat leave, but DD1 still at pre-school bringing home germs but shrugging them off herself) that she is not getting that sick in her first year. So I think it's worth persevering and just working like mad when you are actually at work so that they know that your heart is still in it.

That first year with DD1, I worked Monday, Thursday and Friday, which was a bit of a drag personally speaking as you didn't get a long weekend, but meant that I could usually make an appearance at some point in the week. She had usually got a bit better during either of the two day blocks I was not at work. I don't know if you can change your days, but it did help me.

OP, I also have an 18 month-old daughter and work 3 1/2 days a week. When I have time off with my daughter, I will either come in on an extra day or use my annual leave.

You have my sympathy, we have the same here. I do three days a week and have only managed 1 week in the last three. Like various other people Im just hoping it gives her a good immune system!

biddy thank you so much for your post.
You mkae some great suggestions.

I'm going to have to collect the DC from their busses, then leave them at home to get to my place of work.
They will be old enough (13) then, I think, to get their own tea and do homework. Or I might pay a girl we know who will be 17 to stay a few hours and do her homework here too. She will be on the bus, so I could throw them all in the door together.

DH will get home around 8.30pm. There are times when he is abroad and I would have to ask my Mum to visit. If she has notice that would work. But illnesses and accidents and husbands being kept in meetings till all hours have disaster written all over them . I think I'm just gonna go for it and see how it pans out.

I've only been back a month and I'm stressing already. The in laws took time off to look after hum for the first 2 weeks which was great. They came to our house early so we could leave DS in bed and we could get going so we could leave earlier (long commute). Last week he had his first day with the childminder and ended up at out of hours that night with sky high temp, tonsilitis and an ear infection. DH took the next 2 days off work which was great. Now I've caught it and have been off yesterday and today. I tried to go in but fainted so I stayed off. My manager is understanding but still, I hate feeling like I'm taking the mickey, esp as I had a lot of time off when pregnant (hyperemesis).

Also finding it stressful that childminder and nursery don't open until 8 and leaving for work that late means it's taking us over an hour since they seem to be digging up everywhere. Childcare closes at 6 so we have no leeway with staying late. Clockwatching is not in my nature!

Au Pairs great once your child hits 3 - not recommended before that.

My DH is adamant he won't have anyone living in, due to the lack of privacy. I agree with him (though not as adamantly).

Both I and DH work full time. DS1 is in wraparound before and after school care. DS2 is full time in nursery. It costs a packet. I rarely get through a term without having to take time off for one or both of them to be ill. As one of my colleagues once said (also a working mum), "sometimes I feel like I'm neglecting my job, sometimes I feel like I'm neglecting my family. But at least by the time I retire I'll have enough money for therapy!" Or in my case not even that once my CB disappears - thanks George...

nanny/au pair doesn't solve the problems either - just creates new ones as you are stuffed when they are sick. It is a juggling act no matter what ime. I am lucky that I can work from home if really necessary, but I have been known to pull a sickie myself if there has been a long run of illness and also have been known to send my child into school if they are feeling slightly off colour but not too bad.

It does get easier once they are school age though.

I have no family nearby to help. it is just me, dh (who does do his fair share, but we frequently have the "whose job is more important" conversation) and an au pair.

wordfactory, I'm willing to put up with the lack of privacy for the benefits an au pair brings.

We had a horrendous night in A&E with ds2 who cut his head open. nursery wouldn't take him today, but the fact the au pair is at home meant that she has taken him and me and dh could both come to work today. Not that I can stay awake but I'm here in body anyway .

swings and roundabouts though, my last au pair caught every bug going off the children and was unable to look after them for alot of the winter. I had a nanny who got migraines and another au pair with back problems. Lots of willing family seems to be the answer.

I think DH's idea of what we do that needs privacy, is more imaginary and real .

have to confess I found being a working mum very stressful when it came to trying to cover with illness etc. DH and I always ended up with the "whose job is the most important" argument discussion.

It was after the week from hell that the decision was made (partly triggered by change in circumstances) that I would become SAHM. This particular week started with the death of a close relative and DS coming down with chickenpox. So shared time off with DH to look after DS and had to book following day off to go to funeral. Then received e-mail at work to say that everyone had to be in for a v.important meeting the next day and only exceptional circumstances would be accepted as excuse for missing this meeting. Luckily a funeral was seen as reasonable excuse, unfortunately it did mean that I had to take a phone call when on the train home after the funeral to tell me that I had been made redundant

Certainly don't miss that sort of stress but do miss my own money, independence etc.

Hopefully, things will become easier for you. I definitely found the first few months at nursery were a nightmare with DS catching and sharing every bug going, but it does get better. A plan B is good. We struggled not having family nearby.

In respect of some posters who have DC suffering with the joys of toddler diarrhoea, DS also had this. Luckily his nursery were not bothered by it (unlike me - boak). I googled a list of possible triggers and in my DSs case the trigger was apple juice

I manage by foisting sick cover onto DH
as i'm part-time, any day one off represents more of my working week. and when DH covers, he can still go in on my non working days, so is never off for the full week. If you're part time, spread your days of work out M,W,F - i do this, and so if DC are ill on monday, there's a good chance they'll be back in childcare by Weds when I next work.

It also helps that dd2's nursery is very pragmatic about chucking calpol at them (after they've called you) and seeing how they are. And before dd1 started school, i hoarded annual leave, so that even though i would be taking time off at the eleventh hour, i was not actually taking more time than any other employee.

I get that some of the days off were unavoidable, but just a warning - employers might seem "flexible" and "understanding", but if it's an endless stream of maternity leave, days off sick, childcare days, all paid for by the employer...they're going to start to wonder what exactly they are paying you for. Try to make up the days or make other arrangements to work at home etc. To do otherwise is unfair on your employer and your co-workers who have to pick up the slack.

Aribura, I always take annual leave or change my days. The only carers leave I have taken is for 3 weeks ago when my daughter was really poorly and in hospital. Other than that as I say I use annual leave.

The sick leave was unavoidable, In August I broke my arm and for the first few weeks wasn't fit for work, and trying to get 2 children to school / nursery and getting myself to work 20 miles away with a cast up to my armpits just wasn't feasible.

I do have a good record with work as I never previously took a day off sick, even during pregnancy.

I don't for one minute think it doesn't piss work off even though they are completely understanding, and that's why it bothers me so much. I don't feel as though I'm pulling my weight and so I'm pretty sure they sometimes they feel the same too!

I manage full-time as a single parent, but my boys are remarkably robust. My job is also very flexible and I work from home at least one day. The travelling time also means I get to make plenty of phone calls to sort stuff. Cleaner essential too, as are top notch organisational skills.

I sympathise OP, my DD1 got chicken pox the 2nd week I'd started a new job and then went through rounds of whatever was going. It's so stressful trying to look after sick kids and worry about work. I find I work twice as hard at work just trying to prove myself. All I can say is hang in there it does get easier as they get older. I think as WOHMs we will always have guilt about letting the kids or our employers down it comes with the territory I'm afraid.

Hope you all feel better and more settled soon:)