To wonder how anyone manages being a working mum?

[TiredofYorks]

In the last 4 weeks I've had one full week at work (a full week for me actually being a 3 day week).

The first week in the 4 week period my daughter who is 18 months had a nasty urine infection and was admitted to hospital, so there was no where I would rather have been than by her side. So I didn't feel guilty about that week.

The second week I ended up with a throat infection and so had to take yet another week off work as I just wasn't able.

I managed a full week without issues last week and made it into the office yesterday but today on the way to work / nursery, my daughter was sick all over herself so nursery understandably wouldn't take her so I had to take a day off today again.

How do people do it? I feel so guilty and that I really aren't pulling my weight. Right now I would love to take a career break if only we could afford it!

I worked 3/4 days a week from when DD was 10 months to when she started school. It was awful when she was ill as no family nearby. She caught everything, I caught everything but we got through it just about! It's true what they say about school though. DD is rarely ill now and I now work 4 and a half days.
You've had a bad run, I hope it gets better. Stick it out for a while longer and see what happens.
If it gets too much, think about whether you need the money? If you don't then stop work. If you do, look into childminders rather than nurseries who may be more sympathetic when it comes to children who are off colour. My nursery phoned me to collect for everything and anything. ( neither take vomiting DC though! )
Good luck!

OK I have just read that your DP is away, hence all burden is on you

Its rotton bad luck, but agree there is a risk that work wll get pissed off

but what can you do?? make up the time, try and use holiday/parental leave and hang on in there

what beattie said too, I know its harsh but I hate it when I only see the Mum taking time off. It gives lie to the impression that their conmpany is less important. but fuck, you dont need to hear that

hang on in there

wise: this will sound brutal but in my experience you need to do whatever it takes not to cry at work over the frustration of parenting/work. I agree and disagree :) No boss wants an unreliable, wet, emotional mummy but at the same time a good boss will be sympathetic when a person is struggling/ breaks down and will help out. I've seen both types!

I sympathise OP. DS has been going to nursery for 2 years now and i have often had 'the call'.

It got to a point where my boss was a bit shirty with me, not too bad but i could tell she was pissed off. At my next 1-1 with her i laid the cards on the table and apologised for the time i was taking off, i assured her that i wasnt 'taking the mick' and that DH and i were doing our best to take turns but he is often in meetings and cant be called out. If we know DS is going to be poorly all week we do 2 days each (i only work four days anyway). I also told her that we dont have family nearby to help out and all our friends work full time too.

She was lovely about it, she appreciated my honesty and said that as a mother (albeit of a 24 yo!) she does realise that toddlers pick up all bugs going, and when i explained that nursery wont accept him if he has been vomiting within the last 24 hours, and will call me out if his temp is high she understood.

We completely cleared the air about it. She came to realise that this was all i was using my annual leave on (we all get 6 weeks a year and i only tend to use about 3 of them including xmas for pleasure) and basically said that as long as i cleared with my assistant/colleagues what was urgent then we would manage it.

FWIW DS had more bugs in his first year of nursery, it has got better. Have a chat with your boss, explain your situation with DH, hopefully they will be understanding.

and when i explained that nursery wont accept him if he has been vomiting within the last 24 hours, and will call me out if his temp is high

just to add, our nursery are really good in that if he has a high temp they will ring and seek permission to give him calpol, they then say to ring back in an hour and see how he is doing. if he is fine then they will keep him in.

my DS also has runny poos, i didnt realise it was a 'condition' either! he has some hard ones but mainly good old curry paste!

It's a juggling act. I was lucky that when DD was still small, I had a creche very near the office (not on site - but 15 minutes run if I needed to, and 7 mins for DH - better if I had car!), and they were also reasonable about giving Calpol if high temp and seeing if that settled it.

DH and I would do swopsies - one start in the office VERY early (DH could usually go in earlier than me, as he has keys so could start about 6 whereas I depend on others opening at 7am), swop over at lunch ish (in town if DD was at ALL well enough for the car journey) so the other could do a long half day in work - and then we'd both catch up a bit more in the evening when things settled. We'd each manage about 6-7 hours physically in the office (food grabbed on the run) and a few more to get urgent things done. Depended on who had most urgent deadlines and more important meetings that couldn't be easily rescheduled.

Annual leave also gets used up this way. If DD was out for a week, I could generally take a day or so, on top of the juggling days.

Get urgent things done within deadlines, catch up through lunches or a few extra hours the next few days/week, and make sure boss knows you are doing your best.

(While things did settle down after a while, we went through a phase last year when she started school of having lots of little bugs again - partly through such busy days and pure exhaustiuon - so with a new boss, and DD not nearly as physically close, and DH now away with work a lot, it was a rather frantic few months - but we seem to be back to a more regular track again now).

If boss can see you are doing your best - not just to keep it all together but to get your work done - that helps. And the occasional blubber when they see that you really are trying and feeling bad about not keeping it all going, usually helps soften hearts (once it is not used regularly - a real rarity of an overload!).

baby, I always put it down to him being vegetarian . MAybe I should have taken it more seriously.

If boss can see you are doing your best - not just to keep it all together but to get your work done - that helps.

biddy thats how i play it loving your arrangement on the juggling days, DH and i cant quite do that logistically but did think about it!

Excellent child minder
Supportive & family friendly employers x 2 (me & DP)
Occasionally I will bring a child to work if I have to & this is fine - small company (I have 2 under 5)
Set up so I can access work emails from home & on iphone if I need to. I can also make international calls from home if I need to.
Living fairly close to work helps greatly.
I aim to be really on it when at work - which means I cover my own workload if I have to be off I ensure what needs to be done is done.
Share the load with DP - though with the baby it falls more to me naturally esp while still BF.

and I remind myself constantly to BE COOL and BREATHE!

Could you consider a child minder instead of nursery? Childminders are generally much more flexible about children being poorly - obviously not so horribly ill that you would want to be home with them yourself. But just not quite as rigid as nurseries.

Also see if you can work from home.

When they are little & get everything going, it is very stressful. Gets much easier as they get older. As a single working mum with two DCs, mine literally have to have limbs missing before they get to stay off ill!!!

There's nothing you can do - it's not a 'condition' in the sense that it indicates an underlying health problem. It's just that some toddlers do runny poos and they have no idea why - the children are otherwise happy and healthy.
The GP said to me that if it was an indication of an 'issue' there would be other problems, like asthma, or being continually run-down, or underweight, or listless. My dd has none of these and at 3.2 we are starting to see some signs that she is growing out of it. But having a 'diagnosis' has helped explain it to nursery and stopped them sending her home.
I did come across a book which recommended cutting out fluids except at mealtimes and trying to regulate diet by increasing fibre and cutting out snacks, all to try to keep the bowels regular, but even that book admitted it wasn't a cure because as far as they can tell it's just a maturity thing and can no more be 'cured' than late-growing teeth. Those things may help you regulate it in the meantime. I didn't bother, figuring I'd rather she drank as much as she needed even if I had to deal with the consequent diahorreah.
It's also been useful as she has started a morning a week at school nursery - they wouldn't take her in nappies normally but decided that as the GP had diagnosed this condition they would count it as a special need and accomodate her.
It has made toilet training a nightmare, so be warned and don't rush into it (and if you do buy loads and loads of pants!) but that's the only real downside we've come across.

It all depends on the nursery. Ours is run by mums so we are very lenient with illness. Some arent though and it all depends on the place

i work 2.5 days- i spread them out on mon,wed then 1 thurs a month
in doing this the 48hr things are over before im next in.

I go in early so get the call usually 1\2 way through my day- where ive done my main tasks.

I also work a lot unofficially from home

I second the suggestion of a nanny. Ours has never taken one day off sick in 2 and a half years. We'd be lost without her. And once a week she cooks yummy lasagna :)

Unfortunately we can't afford a nanny nor can we afford for me not to work.

Wisecamel, I know it's not the wisest move to cry at work, and to be fair it was more of a well up than a full on blub, but the frustration just got the better of me.

Work are brilliant don't get me wrong, and I do use annual leave or swap my days. They don't have a home working policy so I can do the odd bit but not a full days work really.

I think it's just the guilt thing. Pre DD who is my second child I was very rarely off. Lately though it's just been one thing after another and I just don't feel I'm doing my job justice. I hate the juggle of half days at school, nursery and grandparents caring for them (I know I'm lucky to have such help). When it's all running smoothly it's great but when it's like it has been for the last 4 weeks I could just scream.

A childminder may well be an option though, it might be worth looking into to.

Tired I share your frustration. Today I'm really low because of the sheer relentless juggle of children and work.

My ex made himself unemployed to avoid paying maintenance. He hasn't seen the DC for a month (no idea why not - just didn't wish to? or possibly working but doesn't wish benefits/csa to know). No support there.

I gave him 50% of equity on divorce and paid off his debts just to get away from his bullying and financial irresponsibility. He now sits on his arse whilst I work full time, bringing up our lovely DC. Money is tight for me.

Easter hols loom and I am struggling to imagine the stress of work/childcare. Today I was told my usual childcare is unavailable for 2 weeks following these hols. That's 4 weeks I have no cover for. I have a pretty high pressured job and just wonder why am I in this situation and will it ever change.

I knew someone would say engage a childminder

um, no

a childminder uses the same HPA guidance as a nursery or preschool

Well it's bloody hard. A child's first year in nursery will be the worst in terms of illness as they catch every single bug going. And often pass it on to you. After that it gets better, but you need back up - a partner to share sick leave, flexible working hours etc else you don't do your share.

When I returned to work, my dad died 3 weeks later, then illness see-sawed between my children, then I got sick. I felt like the most unreliable employee ever, but the boss was ever-patient and said, it happens, it happens. And it passed and we're all good now.

What everyone else said :) Seriously I know how you feel. I do 3.5 days, and therefore taking time of is a bit of a no no, but with a 2 and a 5 year old its kind of inevitable, in Winter especially.

I have no family nearby to help, so DH and I have to work around it as much as possible. When I worked from home it was manageable, and DH never looked after the sick child, but now he has to be responsible for half of any days. I recently had to take sick days for me, which to be honest I don't think I've every done before (since I had the kids) other than docs and dentist appointments (so I might be an hour late). I felt guilty as hell, which is ridiculous - we're all entitled to be ill.

Where I work, they prefer me to use holiday for sick children if possible - I'm entitled to unpaid leave, but they prefer the non-hassle of holiday. I don't mind this too much - it eats into my holiday, but I do get paid and I don't feel bad about it.

That first year of nursery is the worst. Both the dc's were constantly ill (yay for Boots points on Calpol).

My mum was always here looking after them in the early days and we both managed to catch every bug going. Even a couple of grim chest infections for the first time ever.

If it's any consolation now DS has started reception he's only had a half day off school sick. They both managed chicken pox when they were at nursery so it should get easier when DD starts school too.

If mum isn't around to have them I take unpaid leave. I won't use annual leave to stay in the house with a sick child, I need annual leave for school hols or a break for me so I don't go under.

It does get better in terms of illnesses.

DD's are 5 and 7 and I have been back to work for just over 18 months and have had less than a week off due to sick children.

We had a bad run of it when they were 1-2 yo, constant stream of viruses and at one point four courses of antibiotics in three months and two hospital admissions with a DH away for six months. How on earth could I have worked that winter???

It helps when you've been there a long time with a great record previously.
It helps when you can demonstrate you are doing all you can to make up the hours / time (especially useful when you are PT and can perhaps come in when you aren't normally there)
It helps if you don't extract the michael when you are feeling unwell... do you need that extra day ? might you have been able to go in then ? etc
Helps massively if you can demonstrate that your partner is pulling their weight too, and it's not considered your job just because you are the mother (I know you can't OP but just saying generally)
It helps if you can go the extra mile for them when they need people to do so.
Mostly, it helps to remember it's just phase, a is a very short part of your working life. If they've been good to you, you are then loyal to them.

No YANBU - it's bloody hard and you sound like you have had a shocking run lately.

I work FT as does my DH and it is a real juggle and we have GPs who look after DS FT plus a nanny so we don't even have to cope with the nursery issue, and it's still hard. GPs are sometimes sick or the nanny is sick and so we just try and juggle working from home as best we can on those days. Plus a few times I have gone home to be with my DS when he has been sick. Only twice in 12 months in this job, but I just had to pack up and leave.

Can you work extra days to make up for the lost days? That's what I would do. I am lucky in that my job is easily done from home and in the evenings remotely so I can make up for lost hours.

I feel for you. I am crossing fingers it gets easier when children get older and go to school.

Could you afford a nanny?

I work full time 50 hours a week, DH works 37.5 hours a week, we rely heavily on my MIL if one or both of the kids are poorly, If they have D&V DH takes the time off but if it is a bad cold and temp MIL has them.

I can't take the time off work, I have had a horrendous chest infection and cried on the way to work yesterday because I felt so ill but I can't afford time off as I don't get paid for it and there is no one else in my office who can do my job.

If the kids were really bad or in hospital I wouldn't think twice about being off work but they are 9 and 4 now and have been in full time childcare sine they were small and (touch wood) don't seem to get poorly at all now, It pretty rare they are ill apart from the odd cold.

50 hours MrsSleepy - ugh!