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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think this is a bit weird?

44 replies

exaspomum · 20/03/2012 12:33

The mother of DD(15)'s boyfriend(17) asked her to join BF, his sibling and herself on a trip to the cinema this weekend.
DD and BF have been going out for a few months and right from the start she was very friendly and welcoming to my DD. For example, on their second date, which was at his house, she told my DD to choose a mug from their kitchen cupboard to be 'her' one. Over the weeks, DD has had a few texts from the BF along the lines of,"We were wondering if you'd like to join us for tea- we're having a takeaway?" or, "Mum says, Would you like to come for tea tonight?"
Once she said to my DD that DD and her should "go bowling, so that we can bond." (Maybe she wasn't being serious).
Another time on the way home from town in my car one afternoon, BF checked his phone and found his mum had texted him to say, "Ask * if she'd like to come back with you for tea".
One evening when DD was at his house she suggested to them that she would phone me toFtry to persuade me to let DD stay there for longer than the time that we'd agreed.
Also, she kindly let DD have first dibs on an unworn garment that wouldn't fit its intended recipient.
Sometimes I get the impression that she's more keen on my DD than the BF is. AIBU to feel uncomfortable about her?

OP posts:

MissPenteuth · 20/03/2012 12:36

Maybe she likes her and thinks she's a good influence on her DS, so is making an effort. Or maybe she just wants to get to know her DS' GF better. Either way, it doesn't strike me as weird tbh.

NickNacks · 20/03/2012 12:37

Not weird at all- I think she sounds lovely and welcoming!

verytellytubby · 20/03/2012 12:38

I don't think it sounds weird. Seems like she really likes your DD.

Flisspaps · 20/03/2012 12:39

Doesn't sound weird. Sounds like she's trying to make an effort - perhaps a bit much but she's probably just excited that her little boy has found himself a lovely girlfriend!

Far preferable to her being a bitch to your DD and not making any effort to include her at all :)

larks35 · 20/03/2012 12:39

I don't think it's weird, not necessarily how I would be but I have experienced similar with mums of friends when I was younger. One friend's mum made it very clear to me that she would love to adopt me so that me and her DD could be sisters!

Does she have any daughters herself? Maybe she just likes having another female around. Or, maybe she feels that your DD is a brill influence on her DS and she wants to encourage the relationship.

How does your DD feel about it?

juneybean · 20/03/2012 12:39

Aww I think it's sweet, my first BF's mother was horrid!

Saski · 20/03/2012 12:41

I personally would be happy if one of my children were dating someone and their parents made such an effort to make them feel included in the family. I personally wouldn't make any such overtures until the relationship were much more established but that's just my view. In my own sort of skeptical way I'd probably be worried that this was a "best-friend" mom and that would concern me, but that's obviously just conjecture.

duckdodgers · 20/03/2012 12:41

Er she just sounds a nice friendly person making an effort to get to know her sons girlfriend to me. Nothing you have said at all strikes me as weird.

sofamiliar · 20/03/2012 12:44

No, yanbu - I had a BF with a family like that when I was a similar age, and it made me feel trapped in the relationship when I eventually went off him. I stayed well clear of getting too close to parents in subsequent relationships. My PILs are like this, though, and I hate being expected to refer to my teenage BIL's new girlfriend as his partner. I stayed pretty distant to my inlaws as best I could until dh and I got married and now am constantly pressured. It's really stressful. Don't know how I'd advise you about your DD, though, I didn't listen to a single thing my mum told me at that age, and did precisely the opposite...

Thistledew · 20/03/2012 12:46

Maybe she has read too many MIL threads on MN, and this is her first time in a quasi MIL position and she is desperately over compensating .

She does sound a little over-enthusiastic, but not in a negative way. How does your DD feel about it? Is she comfortable with the situation? Your DD is growing up and will start forming relationships with all sorts of other adults. Perhaps keep an eye on this to help your daughter manage it on an adult level, and reassure yourself that she is not trying to take over your mother role.

KadyPip · 20/03/2012 12:48

I don't think this is weird. My first BF's Mum was similar to this and just included me in pretty much all family things right away. I was invited on their family holiday when we'd been going out 8 months (I was 15).

Some families are like this, the first Christmas I was with my BF all his family sent me a gift (including peoand my name was included

StripyMagicDragon · 20/03/2012 12:48

I think if your dd is happy with how she is treated, then it's alright. If your dd begins to feel overwhelmed, then she should take a step back to breathe and discuss things with her bf.
But it sounds like the mum just wants her to feel welcome.

SaraBellumHertz · 20/03/2012 12:48

Nope not weird. Working on the basis that your DD is a nice, pleasant girl she is probably encouraging her positive influence on her DS.

IAmBooyhoo · 20/03/2012 12:49

i would normally have said it sounds lovely. but as a 17 year old i found myself welcomed into my then BF's family with open arms, told to make myself at home, was told i was like family, was confided in by his mum and very slowly manipulated into believing that my own mum hated me and couldn't stand me having someone else to talk to. of course my mum objected to me being there all the time, that is normal, but i couldn't see what the problem was. i liked being there, i was made welcome, my BF was there, his mum treated me like a friend so of course over time i spent more and more of my time there. it also meant that when BF and i had rows, it was at his family's home and i often found myself talking to his mum about it, who of course had her son's interests at heart and thsi meant i would find myself forgiving things i shouldn't have forgiven. it also meant that i found it so hard to leave when i should have left him. i was close with his mum and sisters, they were all crying when i told them it was over, i felt like i was breaking up with an entire family. even after we broke up his mum would ring me to talk and tell me how broken hearted he was.

it is lovely that she is welcoming your DD and wants to include her in things but there could be a point where your DD feels it is no longer her choice to be there. as in, what happens one day when she feels she would rather stay at home but up until this point she has accepted every invitation to go with them? will there be a cold shoulder from the mum? or pressure to come?

BluddyMoFo · 20/03/2012 12:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pagwatch · 20/03/2012 12:51

Are you feeling a teeny bit jealous? I am not judging that. When ds1 kept going to his girlfriends house for supper, yet his girlfriend remain distant and disinterested with us, I felt a bit like he was being pulled away from us. It was odd and irrational and it passed.
But it made me feel a bit uncomfortable for a while.

Is it anything like that.

KadyPip · 20/03/2012 12:51

Sorry posted too soon^

my first Christmas with BF all his family (including people I hadn't met) sent me gifts and my name was included in their family Christmas cards. .

my family while friendly aren't quite like that but I just accepted it as a different way of doing things... Just as well my first BF's Mum is now my DMIL!

WhispersOfWickedness · 20/03/2012 12:52

Aww, I think it's lovely I practically lived at my boyfriend's house when in my last year of school and I have to say it was mostly because his mum is so lovely and welcoming In fact, I no longer have contact with him but am still friends with her, well over 10 years later! Happily I found a DH with some lovely parents too, please don't discourage the friendship (unless your dd is genuinely uncomfortable of course). I never understand why people don't want to be friendly with their partners family and would be quite sad if my dc's partners feel like that when they are older

sofamiliar · 20/03/2012 12:54

Booyhoo- yes, me too! And by the end, what should have been a normal melodramatic teen breakup (my first!) felt more like a desperate escape from his family. Very high pressured!

IAmBooyhoo · 20/03/2012 12:58

my EX's mum went with him to pick my engagement ring. we were 17 and had been dating 6 months. she got my ring measurement by producing a ring sizer and saying she just ahd it lying about the house. she sat outside his bedroom door with his 15 and 8 year old sisters listening to him propose to me (and me freaking out)

PenguinArmy · 20/03/2012 13:00

I think it is too much and would imagine if in the same situation I would feel uncomfortable.

sofamiliar · 20/03/2012 13:05

Wow that is familiar - you weren't living in the states at the time were you?? Freaks me right out to think there could be more than one family like this. My ex's mum would talk to me about baby names and stuff, too, terrifying.

It's one thing to be friendly with your bf's family, it's quite another to be sucked in and not allowed out. I'm afraid I've been burned pretty badly. Luckily dh isn't terribly close to his family, so that makes it a little easier to stay back, but still... I hate to think of my DD getting into a relationship like that, it really scares me.

pigletmania · 20/03/2012 13:15

Not weird she sounds lovely . Would you prefer that she was unfriendly and unwelcoming. Mabey she likes your dd and sees her as Dil material

IAmBooyhoo · 20/03/2012 13:16

nope, northern ireland.

i stayed longer than i should have done in that relationship. if it hadn't been for the added pressures of and from his family i would have left very early on and it could have remained what it should have been, a teenage romance. i have two lovely children from it now and i dont regret them at all but of course it means i am forever tied to that family and worry that those fabulous skills of manipulation will be used on my children against me. well at least i know how they work and what to look out for.

peugotgringo · 20/03/2012 13:17

She sounds lovely and welcoming, however on the other hand having read some posts upthread I do see the other side now.

If they've been together a few months now, why not organise a joint family outing? And be honest about, say you'd like to meet his parents and brother as your DD is spending a lot of time with them. Nothing wrong or weird about that.

If the BF's mum is open to this and happy to go bowling for example I think she's probably just the over enthusiastic type.

If however she doesn't want to do this, (lets be right she should want to meet you too if her DS is spending time at your house), then you can allow the alarm bells to ring a bit more frantically and be justified in your concern

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