to think this is a bit weird?

[exaspomum]

The mother of DD(15)'s boyfriend(17) asked her to join BF, his sibling and herself on a trip to the cinema this weekend.
DD and BF have been going out for a few months and right from the start she was very friendly and welcoming to my DD. For example, on their second date, which was at his house, she told my DD to choose a mug from their kitchen cupboard to be 'her' one. Over the weeks, DD has had a few texts from the BF along the lines of,"We were wondering if you'd like to join us for tea- we're having a takeaway?" or, "Mum says, Would you like to come for tea tonight?"
Once she said to my DD that DD and her should "go bowling, so that we can bond." (Maybe she wasn't being serious).
Another time on the way home from town in my car one afternoon, BF checked his phone and found his mum had texted him to say, "Ask * if she'd like to come back with you for tea".
One evening when DD was at his house she suggested to them that she would phone me toFtry to persuade me to let DD stay there for longer than the time that we'd agreed.
Also, she kindly let DD have first dibs on an unworn garment that wouldn't fit its intended recipient.
Sometimes I get the impression that she's more keen on my DD than the BF is. AIBU to feel uncomfortable about her?

I think she is trying to split them up -NOTHING is more annoying than massive parental support for your teen relationships

sorry, no idea if the BF sibling is a brother or sister, just automatically put brother as I have so bloody many myself

it's all new territory isn't it. maybe she is desp to be doing the 'right thing'. Maybe he had a another gf before who she didnt like so much, maybe she's just a bit insecure in her role and overdoing it.

how does your daughter feel about her? does she have a problem with her?

One of my concerns is that she's kind of interfering and might have the effect of prolonging my DD and her BF's romance till it's past its natural sell-by-date. Recently the BF apparently told DD that they should date once a week (previously once or twice a week ) to allow themselves time to study for their exams in April/May. Not an issue with DD so far (and very sensible IMO and a relief) as she's been EXTREMELY busy this month. But also, they've apparently agreed to restrict their texting to after 8pm (also his suggestion I'm fairly sure, again very sensible).

At the time of St Valentine's day BF's mum went with him to book a restaurant for his valentine's date with DD. She drove him there and picked them both up after, even though the journey was easily do-able
by train. She seems to love driving them around even though IMO it's not necessary. (They live very close to a railway stop).
But maybe I am a little bit jealous of her easy relationship with my DD.

She does sound to me as if she always wanted a DD (or perhasps has a dd who has left home or something?). She sounds a leetle bit needy though you can't tell for sure of course - could just be genuinely trying to be nice.

I had a boyfriend whose mum loved me (and indeed, i liked her more than I liked him, when it came down to it). She was lovely to me, but in retrospect she was a bit inappropriate and told me about her problems with her own DD who she obviously found very frustrating. As it became clearer to me that the boyfriend had to go, I was worried about how much it would upset her. Luckily (well sort of!) he cheated on me making it much easier to jettison him, but I still miss her actually.

I've met her and chatted several times. She's very lively and chatty.

I think you have to stay cool and not let your DD see any hint of you feeling alarmed about it - but be there for her and be ready to help if it all gets a bit much, or if she herself starts to feel uncomfortable.

Boohyoo- yeah, for me, too, if it hadn't been for his family, I don't think I would have stayed so long. Part of it was I played right into it, I WANTED him to be my One True Love, because I was fifteen years old, but his parents really shouldn't have jumped in and encouraged that - we were kids, you know? It was inappropriate for them to be treating me like a DIL. It was a silly teenage romance that suddenly got turned into an adult relationship that, tbf, neither of us was ready for.

Anyway, OP, I like the suggestion of a joint family outing - get an idea of who BF's mother is and what her motivations are, and then reevaluate, I think.

She may be just a little overeager, but it could be more. A short picnic in the parks or afternoon lunch at the pub will either set your mind to ease or wise you up, I bet.

I have a friend who is like your DD's BF's mother.. She's early forties, but keen to stay very young and approachable to her 3 sons and their friends. Eg. lots of big parties, being relaxed with them, chatting about everything (sex/ friendships etc)

In a way it's a good thing, she is very available to them if needed and is certainly fun to be around. But she is also depressed and gets a little 'manic' with overdoing it sometimes, she sees fault in others parenting styles if they are not having girly heart-to-hearts every single night with their 9 yo DD for example Which seems a little over the top to me. Your DD sounds very sensible and so does her BF; make sure they can equally come to you for fun/support/whatever, so she doesn't get totally tangled up in their lifestyle and family set-up before she's ready to.

I think she is just trying to be welcoming.

My first boyfriend's mum was like that - I was a bit overwhelmed and also wary as they were v rich and I'm, erm, not.

I now really appreciate her efforts as I have been married for ten years to someone whose family have never acknowledged my birthday or wanted to see me or even speak to me on the phone without DH there. It's not even that they dislike me, they are just weird and unsociable.

TwoPeasOnePod you've reminded me of something DD's BF said - ie that she's "too relaxed". Nevertheless, he seems to be very close to her, but not to his father.

I get the impression that she really likes my DD and is glad her DS has a nice GF so that's nice for my DD obviously. He doesn't seem to have any/many close friends. (Worrying - why not?) However she's quite outspoken IMO and I think she disapproves of some aspects of my parenting style so I worry that she'll have an undue influence on MY DD.
IMO DD's BF's mum can see no wrong in him and would always take his side (even if inappropriate). This business of questioning my "curfew", as she puts it is disrespectful IMO, but as she's good fun, as you say, making an issue about it would just make me seem like an ogre in my DD's eyes I suspect. I hate this.

i think the most important thing to do is to keep the lines of communication between you and your DD totally open. make sure she knows that she can come to at any point of her relationship and talk about anything and that you wont ever say "i told you so". i think my mum made the mistake of being very obvious with her dislike of my relationship and how serious it was (it was too serious at 17 but i thought i was a grown up and knew better). she would impose curfews that had never existed before (when i would go out with friends) in an attempt to curtail the time i was spending at BF's house but that of course made me angry with her and we would argue, this lead to me wanting to spend even less time at home and i ran straight into the arms of this other family who were making me so welcome (and would then use the rows with my mum to prove they were right and that she hated me). i never felt i could talk with my mum without it being a lecture so i just didn't talk to her for about 2 years apart from the usual "what time is dinner?" etc. just make sure your DD knows that you are the person she comes to when she is happy/down/worried/unsure about anything (i didn't even tell my mum about things i was excited/happy about because she would look for a catch in whatever it was)

sofa I find it a bit sad that you dont want to be part of your DHs family and are happy that hes not close to his parents.

Genuine question - when your DD grows up and settles down with a partner - would you be happy if they felt like this about you?

I agree with booyhoos post above OP - its difficult parenting a teenager and seeing her grow up form relationships e.g with her boyfriends Mum may make you feel insecure but you will always be her Mum, remember that.

This will my tactic when ds gets a girlfriend, whether I like her not.

I've got a dd, so I need to steal anyone else's, but I want to make sure ds never feels he has to compete. ANd it means they 'll spend more time aat ours!

My 2nd bf's mum was really lovely. I still feel guilty that I shit on her son so badly and that she probably still thinks I'm a complete whore.

I'm going to do this with any of DS's girlfriends
I'm not crazy about. Who wants a girlfriend your mum likes hanging out with? That'll get rid of them.
Nothing, I mean, NOTHING put me off a lad faster than my mum saying "What a lovely, polite boy!" about him when I was 17.

TBH it sounds a bit like how I treat DD2's best friend. My relationship with said DD is tricky and she can be hostile to me. So for me to be welcoming to her best friend means I get to see more of DD (& friend, which is fine) and I'd like to think friend might give a different perspective when DD is slagging me off to her. If BF's mum has a tricky relationship with her DS then she maybe trying to balance this by being welcoming to your DD (who she clearly likes as well) ? I wouldn't worry as long as they spend sometime at yours too and your DD seems happy.

Duckdodger - to be fairish, we've had a lot of issues with them, and dh finds them completely incomprehensible at the best of times. But that said, I think I've been quite friendly with them, and we did used to get on really well, I just don't want to have to consider them and their feelings when it comes to my relationship with dh. I resent being forced into a position of 'new daughter' and the accompanying emotional baggage that brings when I have my own parents who I also get along with. If they were happy to leave it at 'We get on and enjoy the times when we are around each other', that would be fine - but lately they've decided they aren't happy that I don't consider myself a part of their family, and they've decided to try to force it, which I'm just not happy with. It's very complicated.

I want my daughter to feel like regardless of all else, she has a mother who loves her, and any future DILs to feel welcome in my home and presence - but not feel pressured to be around me or forge an artificial relationship with me. Whatever relationship we may have should arise naturally; as it is, I've been left with the feeling that my PILs wouldn't value me as a person in my own right if I wasn't married to their son, and any relationship we had over the length of me being with dh is false and only because we got married, and not because they ever liked me for me.

Whew, that reply made me emotional!

Thanks for taking the time to reply sofa, I did think there probably was a back story and hope youre ok.