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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wonder whether it is stupidity, unobservance or simply not caring?

50 replies

TandB · 20/03/2012 10:11

When people stand and watch someone struggle when they could easily help?

I was waiting for the train with 2 1/2 month old DS in the sling. A lady was trying to get off with a pram and there is an unusually big drop to the platform so no way of getting down without risking tipping the pram. The two people nearest the door were a young woman and a middle-aged man who appeared to be able-bodied judging by the speed they had used when positioning themselves at the door, and there were several other people behind me. All of whom stood and stared at the lady and made no attempt to help despite not being able to get on the train.

So I did it. And they stood and watched as I tried to lift the pram without bashing DS2. I commented to the lady that you would think that someone without a baby could have done it but they all just looked at me blankly like it had never occurred to them.

So does it just not occur to people to help or are they standing there thinking 'bloody pram, why should I help?'

OP posts:

TheSinglePringle · 20/03/2012 10:15

This happens to me also when on the bus. The bus driver always seems to decided to park well a way from the curb so I have to try get the pram off the bus with out tipping my son out!

People just stand and watch. Some even tut as they can't get on/off the bus as I'm struggling to get off/on myself buy receive no help.

I help other people who struggle though as I know how hard it is.

TheSinglePringle · 20/03/2012 10:16

Sorry bout mistakes, I'm using my phone

VegimalStyle · 20/03/2012 10:16

YANBU!
I'm using a crutch at the moment and had to help someone off the train with a pushchair despite there being approx 200 other people on it and none of them were on crutches!

I just said in a loud voice that I was only doing what any reasonable member of the human race would do and caught some guilty eyes.

whatsallthefuss · 20/03/2012 10:18

having said that... i tried to help an elderly gent in a wheelchair off the underground and got an earful of abuse.

tomverlaine · 20/03/2012 10:19

I take DS on the train a lot and I find a mixture- people do offer but to be honest i can manage fine by myself and often the help is more of a hindrance- the bigger problem is actually people getting in the way if I'm trying to move the pram. But I do think it is nice of people to offer - and you can't predict who will. I think some people just don't think about it and some think that if you have come out with a pram etc you should be able to manage.

Mrsjay · 20/03/2012 10:20

I always try to help other people if i see them in a bit of a pickle , Trains are the worst imo nobody cares they just want on and will HUMPH if people are not moving fast enough , Our bus drivers are usually ok for prams and patient with people getting off especially with prams . If everybody helped somebody who they saw struggiling with a heavy door or maybe a pram off a bus the day would go better for everybody

CogitoErgoSometimes · 20/03/2012 10:20

YABU... Some people are in a world of their own, others will leap forward to help but the mistake the woman with the pram made was not directly asking someone for help. What's wrong with a polite "Could you give me a hand please"... ?

5dcsinneedofacleaner · 20/03/2012 10:25

YANBU the number of times I have struggled to fold a pushchair with a young (non sitting/standing) baby and toddler and people have actually blanked me and moved away - sometimes even when I specifically ask them to hold the baby or something. When I had my first daughter I dont remember people being so stand offish I feel a nuisance going on a bus or train now - and that was only 8 years ago!

MissPenteuth · 20/03/2012 10:26

I think it's a mixture of all three, coupled with the general selfishness/hating-everyone-else-ness that seems to overcome some commuters, and a good dash of "someone else will do it"-ness thrown in.

MissPenteuth · 20/03/2012 10:29

To clarify, I'm not excusing it, it's really shitty the way everyone just stands there agape or studiously looks elsewhere.

I've actually always been lucky when I've been on the tube with the pushchair; 99% of the time I've had offers of help immediately.

queenrollo · 20/03/2012 10:31

last time I went to London on the train there was a mother on our carriage with a small child. He was asleep and so she was trying to hold a sleeping child and get her pushchair off the train. People were muttering about her holding them all up and she was flustered and tearful. She did ask the man nearest her for help but he just held up his suit bag and shrugged his shoudlers so I got stroppy and pushed through (garnering lots of muttering in my direction too) and helped her get the pushchair onto the platform.
I always offer to help if I see someone struggling. I've occassionally had a grumpy 'i'm fine' response but I'd rather offer to help and be refused than stand by and watch someone struggle.

YonWhaleFish · 20/03/2012 10:33

Do you ask for help? It would be my instinct to help, but when you have mothers like yesterdays (AIBU to tell an elderly man to fuck off) it puts you off springing to help in case that's the attitude you'll get back IYSWIM.

lou2321 · 20/03/2012 10:38

We got the train and tube to london with a buggy once - NEVER again, people are so rude and do everything possible to avoid helping and there are no lifts at some stations which I didn't realise so it was escalators with a baby, buggy and a 2 year old!

I think it is shocking that people are so off-ish these days, when I was 8 months pregnant my friend and I were getting a train (about 1 1/2 hour journey) and people actually looked away on purpose to avoid offering me a seat - I was HUGE so no mistaking I was heavily pregnant. My friend called out ' is no one going to offer up their seat' and no one replied other than one very able bodied young woman who said that she was getting off soon so I could have her seat then (about 20 mins away).

chocolatehobnobs · 20/03/2012 10:40

Had the opposite experience at a swimming pool the other day. 2 members of staff separately offered to carry the car seat while I carried DS and a bag. One other lady held the doors for me and another offered to hold him while I showered and washed my hair. He is very cute aged 4 months in his little wet suit mind you .

JustHecate · 20/03/2012 10:41

Perhaps they've had their head bitten off in the past? I used to say I would always help someone.

But I have offered help, only to be snapped at or looked at like I am a baby snatcher, or the person acts like I've insulted them by suggesting they need help .

I still offer, if the person is looking at me or other people and looking like they would wish I would help. And if someone is stumbling or drops things or stuff like that then I rush over.

Otherwise, I sometimes feel shy to. I don't want to be humiliated again for just trying to help someone. It makes you feel awful when you offer to help someone and they yell at you or look at you like shit or make a sarcastic remark.

lemmein · 20/03/2012 10:41

A few years ago my car battery died in a blizzard - we had 6 inches of snow - was absolutely freezing and I was stuck with 3 kids in the car. There was a car next to us and luckily the owner had come back just as our car broke down. I asked him if we could jump start off his car (we had the leads) and he said ' no sorry I've just finished work' and drove off leaving us stranded. I wished serious harm onto that man that night- nobhead!!!

upahill · 20/03/2012 10:43

God!! I've been guilty of this - unintentionly though. I have been in a dream like state aware of what I need to do but not taking in what is actually going on and then been embarrassed afterwards.

DeWe · 20/03/2012 10:43

I've never had a problem with being offered help on public transport even in London. I obviously look helpless.

TheMightyLois · 20/03/2012 10:46

IME people are often on autopilot when they're on public transport. They would have seen you, but may not have seen you, IYKWIM.

I've offered to help people in the past and got snapped at, so maybe that's a reason (once held a door open for an elderly gent, and got a mouthful for assuming he was incapable ) so maybe that's why people don't bother.

Just ask!!

Original poster

TandB · 20/03/2012 10:54

Lois - I wasn't the one needing help!

OP posts:

VegimalStyle · 20/03/2012 11:00

I was brought up to be respectful of others and if I see someone who looks like they're struggling I'll offer to help. If they turn out to be an ungrateful sod, I will withdraw my offer of support and attempt to come up with some pithy comment.
The next time I see someone struggling, I will make the same offer.

Just because one person doesn't want your help it doesn't mean that someone else won't.

2shoes · 20/03/2012 11:02

yabu
I love the "looked able bodied" bit.
I am able bodied but never help, as I can not risk putting my back out.
if I do who will then look after my disabled DD.
You never know why people can't help

larks35 · 20/03/2012 11:02

I often travelled to and through London on a train with DS and people always helped. I usually ask someone who is obviously getting on/off at the same station and they do. When it comes to stairs I usually hang round a bit until someone offers (don't like to ask people who are obviously in a rush). The only time I was refused help was by a train guard as he had a bad back (was a bit peeved he didn't find someone else to help me but fortunately another passenger stepped in).

I think YABU to expect people to help if they haven't been asked to. One time I was getting off a tube and would have coped fine with small gap, another passenger picked up the footstep part of pushchair to help without me knowing he was goint to and it broke off, causing the front of pushchair to drop into the gap! Luckily DS was firmly strapped in (and fast asleep) but it was a terrifying few seconds! Poor guy was distraught, so I don't imagine he'll necessarily help without being asked again.

TheMightyLois · 20/03/2012 11:05

Sorry OP, didn't mean you in particular , just in general.

Original poster

TandB · 20/03/2012 11:26

2shoes - you know, I think, that I don't generally make assumptions about hidden disabilities etc, but I think it is reasonable to assume that not every single one of those people gathered round the door was suffering from a bad back. There is also the fact that neither of the two people at the front made any attempt to step out of the way so as to make it easier for someone else to help which you would expect them to do if they were actually standing there thinking "how embarassing that I can't help this lady".

I also have a recurring back problem and have on occasion said to someone "I would help but I can't lift anything at the moment". I would normally have said "Can't someone else help?" but there is never much time at that particular station and I have seen people left on the platform before when someone took a long time getting off.

OP posts:

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