Am I making too much of this?

[Kirk1]

Dh and DD (12) had an arguement over her homework again. I don't think it's relevant what the argument was about, DH, like a teenage grump told her "I hate you". I want him to apologise and have said "I'm sorry but" is not acceptable. It must be an unreserved apology. Aibu to insist? Would a half hearted apology be better than the nothing I feel sure he's said so far? I'm v cross he said it at all, I don't feel a parent should ever say that to a child.

No, a parent should never say that to a child. He needs to mean his apology. I'm sorry but I was pretty shocked reading that. Your poor dd.

Yes he should apologise. I don't blame him for the sentiment (I can't tell you how glad I am that I don't have to think about homework any more) but he should know not to say it.

He said "I hate you" to his daughter?! Is he 10?

No - a parent should never say that to a child.

However, I would not make him apologise. I would be having a serious discussion with him about it - that kind of attitude towards a child would be heading towards a deal breaker unless he was genuinely very sorry & apologetic to his DD.

No matter how angry they make you - I hate you - is not something you should say to someone you love, especially one of your own children.

If he can get this angry now, what on earth is he going to be like if she's a very trying teenager???

If it was the other way round, I'd say YANBU but expect it more over the coming years! But for her Dad to say it?! That's awful :( YADNBU I'm shocked that he thinks he can justify that (which I'm assuming he feels he can if he'll say "Sorry but") and that he hasn't yet apologised, more so that he didn't apologise immediately!

What a horrible thing to say. That is dreadful. Too right he should apologise unreservedly, she wont forget that in a hurry.

What a horrible dad. She will never, never forget that. And she will believe it too. It won't occur to her that he's said it in a temper.
I wouldn't insist on the apology- why on earth hasn't he apologised himself already? Why do you need to push him? Is he that vile and uncaring?
I'd wonder why I was with him tbh.

Blimey. Yes that warrants an apology, and imo a serious and concentrated effort to make it up to her and show that he didn't mean it.

I can't begin to imagine how he said that!
are you sure it wasn't sarcastic in a mock kevin the teenager way?

I'm not sure if you should/can force an apology though. sorry not much help!

What a twat.

I too am shocked. That's what a child says. It sounds like you have a partner who is more immature than your child, which is disgusting and not a good role model for her.

He should get a grip and learn to grow up. If he wanted to be a big kid he shouldn't have had a child. Now he has one he has to act appropriately and you NEVER tell your child you hate them - no excuses.

Bizarre thing to say, but probably said because he loves her rather than hates her. At least he's helping her with homework- but perhaps he shouldn't be.

I would suggest you focus on her, rather than his apology. You've made your point to him, it's up to him to be the man and say the right thing. How does she feel about it?

DD must have felt absolutely dreadful hearing that from her father. Has she gone to bed yet? If she's not asleep, he should go and apologise unreservedly now, so that she isn't lying in bed feeling terrible. Or first thing tomorrow, before school. And your DH needs to grow the fuck up - he's the adult, I don't care what a child has done, you never ever say that.

i would have a serious conversation with him, he need to explain to his DD that he hates it when she doesn't do her homework not her as a person.

what an awful thing to say to a child

He has apologised now, just neither of them thought it relevant to tell me about it. I'm afraid I wasn't calm about telling him what I thought of him for saying that, and I'm not certain I am calm now either. Fortunately DD is a philosophical child and doesn't seem to have taken it to heart. She told me its like when she was small and said it to me, it's just because he's frustrated with her not because he means it. Maybe it's time for a discussion on when it's appropriate to vent your frustrations!

I had harsh words said to me by a parent and whilst I understand the pressures which caused them they still hurt for decades after. I'm fact though I have forgiven they still bear emotional weight today.

I think it would have helped to have the parent sit down and explain a bit more with an apology and then perhaps make extra effort to show appreciation and spend quality time together.

Words can hurt for far longer than wounds

Aw bless her. But make sure she never lets a man speak to her like that again. I'm not sure I like the term 'philosophical child' - it usually means 'puts up with all kinds of cr*p'.

I have to say on certain issues I have come close to saying similar things myself. I'm particularly sensitive about parent child relationships though so I could never bring myself to say "hate" to any of them (even DH ) I do feel sometimes like I have 4 children not 3.

Dd does put up with a lot, she has two younger brothers! She's a deep thinker though and in some ways mature beyond her years. I'm hoping this won't ruin their relationship but I can't help thinking that I never forgave my father for telling me I was ruining his marriage to stepmother (I was 7)

That's really harsh of him. He's the adult, and under no circumstances should he use that word to his child.

What I find even more shocking, though is that he doesn't feel the need to apologise for saying such a hurtful thing to her. Most Dads would be mortified if they said something so cruel.

I hope you can sort things out, and your dh sees sense, as these things stay with a child. Tough situation for you too.

I agree with jif re 'philosophical child'. I doubt she really feels it's OK, she's just trying to rationalise it.

Oh I think he would have apologised on his own Fluffy, I just wasn't going to have him do a justification "I'm sorry, but you were really annoying me" or "I'm sorry but you are in the wrong" is his usual method of apology and I wanted him to be certain that this was not acceptable in this case.