to think don't moan about it, do something about it!

[emmam25]

Particular new mummy friends have been moaning about their unappreciative/uncaring husbands. I'm just so annoyed by the fact that they keep on allowing themselves to be ground down; doing everything for their families without taking time for themselves. My feeling is that if they need a break, they should take a break rather than martyring themselves and then moaning about about how their oh doesn't organise a break for them. Or am I being unreasonable?

God I really really agree with you!! But I am sure you will have posters coming on explaining why it isn't that straightforward to do something about it.

Mummy friends ... oh do get a life - is it half term?

Trois - I mean "new to being a mummy" friends... if that makes sense?!

Why does anyone need to organise anything for them, are they incapable of saying 'I'm going out' or 'here you do it'?

I have heard people moan on about stuff like....oh my DP never takes me anywhere. I wanted to go and see x film and he won't go out. Lesley - Well why don't we go? Friend - Oh no, I couldn't possibly go. DP wouldn't be able to manage DCs bedtimes, etc etc. Annoys me no end.

Particular new mummy friends have been moaning about their unappreciative/uncaring husbands.

I think some men do take time to understand the new responsibilities they need to take on, and undobtedly some never will - but like Lesley says, I have also seen many new mothers not want to relinquish any control of PFB either.

What do you say in response?

Quite often, it's just after the birth of a baby that a woman starts to realise that her great partner is actually a sexist twat who sees babies and housework as women's work. It can take a little time for this realisation to sink in, and even more time for a woman who is arguably at the most vulnerable point in her life to think of how she's going to deal with it. Moaning - and seeking validation from others that she's not being unreasonable for being pissed off about it - is often the first step.

If they're close friends, try being supportive. If they're not and you're finding it a PITA, let the friendships go.

But sometimes people just moan to let off a bit of steam, too.

I felt like that with my ex though and I don't want to be one of those people that says it's not that simple because it is really I know that now but it didn't feel it at the time.
My ex is a tosser in general but when I had dd it was a scary prospect leaving her with ex because he was so bloody useless and tbh I did avoid doing things because I felt I couldn't do it to dd not because I couldn't do it to het father.

Maybe they just like a moan?

Maybe one size does not fit all?

Perhaps they do not want to go away, and want different things within the home?

I know what you mean, OP. My elder child is nearly 7 and I still have friends (and not just one, several) who are martyrs to motherhood. Can't leave their children to be put to bed by husbands*, can't leave their children with husbands if the children are ill, run themselves ragged picking up after their husbands, husbands who can't make themselves a simple meal- all of whom are men holding down decent jobs- so presumably are fully capable in other areas of their lives. I can only conclude some women enjoy being martyrs and don't like to relinquish control, unattractive though it is, (and boring for the friends they let down). Some do just have lazy, shiftless arses for husbands- but again, I sort of have little sympathy on the basis they didn't pull them up on it years ago.

*(or partners).

YABU. If you have an opinion for these women, you could always take your own advice and "do something about it" by telling them.

I assume the OP does. But IME women like this can moan for years without actually changing anything.

I hate this, and so does my dp. he is always telling me I should go out more,socialize,do thing I want to do,have some me time but with all my friends thinking their dps are idiots incapable of being in charge of a child, who can I go with?!

Some women like to moan about their unappreciative husbands, just as some men like to moan about 'er indoors.

YAWN.

You can go with me MadameMessy. My DH is perfectly capable of being in charge of our children

The YAWN was directed to those people, OP, not you for being irritated by it ! (just realised that might have looked a bit rude )

They are their own worst enemy MadameMessy-they should just go and let their DPs cope. Walk out of the door and say 'see you in 3 hours'-it is fairly simple!
I have never known why women set themselves up as 'senior parent'. Let DP be equal from day one. (it does mean letting go and letting him do it his way)

my aunty actuallly divorced her husband, but continued to live with him, and do everyhting for him. we call her Auntymartyr. she used to call him MrMartyr.

but the thing is... she liked it like that. she liked moaning about him, she liked moaning about the stuff she did for him, she likes moaning about how she wasted her life on him.

but shes happy moaning.

I have also seen many new mothers not want to relinquish any control of PFB either.

this

Yes she may be. But I wouldn't be happy listening to her moan!

Met a woman like this on a time management course at work. She went on and on about how she had no time to herself at work or home as she was so busy looking after her 2 kids - cooking, cxeaning, running after them. I felt sympathetic, until she revealed her "kids" were 17 and 19 years old. FFS!

YANBU... I don't have a partner or husband myself so 100% of everything falls to me. As there is no-one available to blame or delegate to, & no-one to undermine my decisions it turns out to be a surprisingly relaxing way to live. Almost all my friends with partners and husbands seem to enjoy nothing more than complaining about their failings, sometimes seriously, sometimes for a laugh. Recommendations that they might be better off as a lone parent like me are met with . Each to their own.

troisgarcons - every post I have seen of yours is rude and abusive - why bother???

I hear this all the time and it get on my nerves, whats even worse is 'you're lucky, your DH is really helpful, you can afford this, you do this and that etc etc'. it makes me mad - I had an awful XH and I did something about it rather than constantly moaning, we have both worked hard since leaving school and both struggled to buy properties so yes are now in a fortunate position (we still have rotten luck and bad things happen to us like everyone else)- NOT lucky just had ambitions to have a nice life and worked hard to do something about it.

I have a particular friend who is constantly crying and moaning about her DH (this has been going on 6 years) but she still had another baby, then married him and is still unhappy and we have always been very understanding but have now had enough as we all have our own lives and issues to deal with.

Some men are great until the DC's come along and then they are crap. If they won't change and you can't afford to leave, what do you do?

My friend will lie in bed while she does the school run for her 3 DC's...I wouldn't stand for it myself, but I'm not going to insult her by saying 'gah, I wouldn't stand for that!'. She's lovely, just not that assertive and I expect he takes advantage of that by waking all over her .

I was a single parent with my first DC and I know exactly what you mean, Cogito. It's hard to get irritated by a snoring DP when you're doing night feeds/nappies when there is no snoring DP! Our life was so calm and peaceful...

I was happy to relinquish full control when DC2 came along though and I was no longer a lone parent.

Some women just like making life difficult for themselves.

cinammon - Of course you can afford to leave. You won't have the same lifestyle as before, but with benefits there it is a choice to stay. I'm not saying for a minute it is an easy choice to leave and I know many parents who decide it is better to stay than split up. But it is a choice.