To find the phrase 'Respect has to be earned, not given' really depressing..?

[MsF1t]

Following on from its use in another thread- what do you think? I see it as a 'red flag' phrase. I tend to assume whomever has uttered it is likely to be aggressive and ignorant.

YANBU

I agree with it. Must be aggressive and ignorant, obviously.

It's a way of fighting back against the sort of mouthy demanding rubbish that you get from some sorts of people. For instance, the escort who was on MN a couple of weeks ago demanding respect for her chosen profession.

Depends on the kind of respect.

Respect as an authority in your field or as a good teacher/doctor etc is earned respect. Basic respect such as manners/courtesy should be a given.

I totally agree. IME it tends to be said by "problem families" - the kind that you feel sorry for the school/GP, etc who has to deal with them.

Either that or it is said ime by someone who is pretty arrogant and has an inflated sense of their own self worth, usually alongside an attitude of "I call a spade a spade".

I tend to only really associate that phrase when somebody (ie nightmare teen) is going around acting like an entitled arse treats their family like dirt and still expects all the priveleges of said family like money, treating the house like a hotel etc.
I don't see anything wrong with the phrase personally.

Ah. I think maybe there are different circumstances where it is used. I'd think it was justified if used as a response to a mouthy teen or to some pimp-walking wannabe 'gangster' who was rudely demanding respect be shown them.

I suppose the context I had in mind was more to do with the sort of automatic respect given to the elderly, that sort of thing.

My own attitude is the same as StrandBear's. Also, that added consideration should be given to the most vulnerable, and more allowances made for them.

I've heard this said by the same sort of people lesley33 mentions- like the story I heard about a teacher getting a load of attitude off the parent of a difficult pupil, who they had asked to come in to discuss their child's poor behaviour and lack of respect for authority. The parent reportedly said "I am teaching my child that respect is earned, not given"

My OH and I just discussed it: I said that if our daughter is ever obnoxious to teachers/adults then I will be reading her the Riot Act. Or that cool bit out of Pulp Fiction. I've been waiting for a long time for an excuse to use that.

I don't object to the phrase. Support entirely the concept of treating others with politeness, kindness and civility. Courtesy and consideration make for a harmonious society. I also think it is advisable to respect someone's privacy, personal space, feelings, etc. However, the type of people who 'demand respect' too often seem to expect it as an automatic result of being a particular age, role or status. Then it becomes problematic because the inference is that they deserve it however badly they behave themselves.

As stranded says. Treat people with respect and courtesy by default.

However, respect for ideas and beliefs is a different matter. There, I do think that in general respect needs to be earned.

Yanbu

You should treat everyone with respect until they evidence that they don't deserve it.
And once they evidence they don't deserve it, the appropriate response is not to out-vile them.
Some people have no base line in terms of their behaviour. If someone upsets them then they feel fully entitled to be total wankers. It's odd.

I think it depends,

alot of what is titled as 'repect' is often basic decency. which is everyones right.

If someone said to me 'I deserve respect' It woud think not as they'd sound like a pretentious arse.

I think that phrase refers well to elderly and people in positons of authority who often demand respect just for being, when in fact it should be earned.

Spot on, Pagwatch.

Hoebag: I kind of agree that maybe what we mean by 'respect' is not always the same. I do have a lot of trouble with the idea that old people should not automatically be afforded respect. I think this is something that has changed a lot in the last 20 years or so.

Yes, if someone who is elderly behaves badly I would probably respect them less, but I would still try to give them more benefit of the doubt and make more of an effort to be understanding and polite myself. I know old people can be rude etc, but they do have a lot to deal with these days. And I tend to think they are likely to have seen a hell of a lot more than I have, especially the war generation: I can't reconcile myself to being rude to them- I would lose all respect for myself as a result.

(As for those in 'authority'... I've seen too much abuse of power to disagree there..!)

Yep, that attitude screams 'I will treat others like shit until I arbitrarily deam they are worthy of basic human courtesy.'

I think of it as everyone starts out with full allocation. If their behaviour is awful, they lose some. This applies equally to all ages, types of people. If they are awful, I would avoid them rather than treat them badly in return. People trying to do their jobs should be treated with courtesy even if you have lost a bit of respect for them.

Respect is more than simple tolerance.

I will tolerate and treat someone in a civil manner even if I diagree with their opinions, fashion, parking, religion, etc.

I may respect someone who has actually done something worthy of respect.

I think another point of confusion is that some people demanding 'respect' actually mean 'deference'. That really does have to be earned.

Grimma I agree wholeheartedly.

I actually think that in many cases, kids demanding 'respect' want deference, whilst treating others with contempt.

I was probably thinking of religious leaders rather than kids but same (unfortunately) sometimes seems to apply.

I agree with Grimma. As usual.

I'm not sure my deference can be earnt. It's not something I'm prepared to offer.

I very much agree with the OP - respect is due to everyone by virtue of being human. It can be lost, and so arguably earnt back.

I got
Harassed and bothered by a passive aggressive woman at work who said I should respect her (same level employee with numerous complaints against her) as she was my elder.

She then went home and put on FB 'whatever happened to respect your elders'

To which I commented 'respect has to be earned' and blocked the bitch

I give old people the respect they deserve/need etc

I stand up on the bus because there mobility will be frailer than mine, etc.

but I struggle with the 'i've been in the war I deserve unltimately more respect than others' no thats not the case. generally because its a respect they reserve for themselves e.g.
I'm finding it hard to articulate, Alot of people show contempt to immigrants forgetting or not grasping these are desperate people fleeing from war zones or countries with poor human rights, and in a second breath would declare old people demad respect because they were 'In the war' I find that hypocrisy sickening so it does cloud my view.

the same with chain statuses on fb about troops and showing respect and something vaguley racist etc. One day i'm going to explode and point out to these people that for every 1 soildier there is probably 30 odd civilians women children who were shot at close range/bombed at close range in there already squalid living conditions. sorry off tange a lil bit makes me very angry.

I suppose it depends on whether you are the one who wants respect or resents being told that you need to show it. It also depends on what you define as respect. If you mean "showing respect" ie, being polite and courteous, then it shoudln't have to be earned, but if you are referring to "feeling respect" then I think it does. I will do what I am told by a bad manager but I won't respect them for making bad decisions and might point them out politely.

I'm not sure my deference can be earnt. It's not something I'm prepared to offer.

The sort of person who might earn my deference probably wouldn't want it, come to think.