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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or are my ILs?

37 replies

Muchadoaboutnuthing · 19/03/2012 13:12

Ok, quick history... Dh and I are together 11 years and have 2 kids. His sisters never liked me from day 1, apparently I got pregnant to "trap him" etc. The first time I met SIL she proceeded to tell me to get used to the idea of being a single parent because dh was going to go back to his ex and leave me etc. Dh has a dd from a previous relationship which had broken down 4 years before I met him. His ex has always remained in contact with SILs. When SIL got married soon after dh and I met I wasn't invited in case his ex who was going might feel uncomfortable. Similar situation at the kids b'day parties, I would be invited as long as his ex wasn't going so she wouldn't be upset.
His ex has never been particulaly nice to me, she blanks me when I try to speak to her etc. We have obviously met from time to time because of sd.
Anyway SIL is having our nephew christened soon and we found out from MIL that ex is invited. I also have been but SILs know that I won't go if ex is there as I dont want a scene, I've told them that before. We had a similar situation to this in February and dh and the kids went and I stayed at home. But I'm sick of doing it. I'm sick of being the one left at home to avoid any tension. I dont want to be in the same room as the ex for the day. She has been so rude to me and my kids in the past. I'm sick of his sisters treating me like dirt and then dumping their kids here most weekend so they can go out or go shopping without having to bring the kids.
Ok, maybe I am BU, I'm just fed up with the whole thing. I know I should just go and get on with the day and ignore the ex if she starts but I'm sick of being the one who's feelings are ignored. I think i just hate the fact that his family have never really accepted me and I dont understand why.

OP posts:
Tee2072 · 19/03/2012 13:15

Just go. If she makes a scene, that's her business.

Also? It's time for your "D"H to to step up and tell them to cut it out. You're his wife. They either accept that or don't contact any of you any more.

Ingles2 · 19/03/2012 13:15

YANBU. You've been together 11 years and you still have to keep out of the way of the ex! Shock I think you've been far too nice imo.
And what is you dh doing? Tell him to man up and sort this ridiculous situation out!
Why on earth are you letting them bully you?

Flisspaps · 19/03/2012 13:16

Your ILs are being unreasonable, but really your DH should be doing more to point out that you are his wife now and as such he expects his family to treat you with respect and as a member of the family, and that whilst they are welcome to invite his ex and SD to family events (after all, his SD is family too), it should be expected that everyone is civil and that no-one tries to create a scene. You don't need to try to speak to his ex, but by the same token you shouldn't be expected to stay away in case she gets upset.

It shouldn't be you stuck at home missing out on family events. What is going to happen in the future when SD or your DC get married - you can't miss out on those because you're worried that the ex will start creating.

Groovee · 19/03/2012 13:16

Just go and say no to them dumping their kids on you. Not good enough to go to the christening but good enough to watch the kids!

My mum never did anything due to my dad's ex wife and his other daughters are bullies who think they own the world!

MarthasHarbour · 19/03/2012 13:17

Right then

You are part of the family, you cannot be pushed aside over someone who left the family 15 years ago Shock OK so they all get on famously with her, brilliant, let them get on with it, they all sound delightful anyway so leave them to it.

Go to this family occasion. You are family. I am afraid you are going to have to 'get on with the day and ignore the ex' i know you dont want to, i know it sucks but if you carry on keeping out of family occasions this is going to continue forever.

Stiff upper lip old girl Smile

peugotgringo · 19/03/2012 13:18

What does your DH say about it all?

I would think after 11 years together they'd get over themselves and grow up.

You are not BU, and I would go to everything just to piss them off and try and rise above it without getting into any arguments.

Try and be out for the next few weekends, or make sure your door is locked and they can't just walk in and leave their kids.

toutpuissant · 19/03/2012 13:20

Go to the christening, hold your head up, ignore the ex. Chances are that after a few family gatherings like that the ex will stop going anyway. Also, swift kick to DH to sort this out which he should have done as soon as it started.

DartsAgain · 19/03/2012 13:23

I agree your DH needs to start standing up for you. Is he happy you are being treated with such disrespect?

Original poster
Muchadoaboutnuthing · 19/03/2012 13:26

Dh says he feels caught in the middle, which I do get. His family aren't particularly nice to him either, they basically only call him when they want something. I'd have cut ties with them years ago if it wasn't for the kids, we all have kids around the same age who get on great and I wouldn't do it to them.

OP posts:
Original poster
Muchadoaboutnuthing · 19/03/2012 13:31

I just feel like packing the kids up that day and taking them off somewhere. And yes I know that would be BU but I just want to be as far away from the whole lot of them as possible.

OP posts:
peugotgringo · 19/03/2012 13:33

Are your MIL and FIL nice? Or have your SIL's learned from them? What about the BIL's??

Sounds like a shitty family to be involved in and I applaud your attitude for sticking with it for the kids.

Next time they want something, just remember you don't have it!

Early drives out on a weekend just you, dh and Kids I think for the forseeable future!

MarthasHarbour · 19/03/2012 13:34

your DH needs to stick up for 2 LO's though. he cant be 'caught in the middle' with that one, if anyone is rude to your LO's he needs to step up to the plate.

Original poster
Muchadoaboutnuthing · 19/03/2012 13:37

Peugotgringo, MIL is a stirrer. She stirs everything and then sits back "innocently" and watches it unfold. FIL is very old, mad as a brush but harmless. Would never get involved in anything like this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Muchadoaboutnuthing · 19/03/2012 13:39

And the BILs are awful, well one is ok, the other one is just horrible. Had a go at dh over christmas because dh doesn't go out drinking enough apparently so is obviously "under the thumb". He goes out, drinks all his money to the extent that they had to go to a local charity to buy heating oil for them as they couldn't afford it. Hes a lazy waste of space.

OP posts:
peugotgringo · 19/03/2012 13:42

Much - I think your MIL is a Bitch!

I also think, doing exactly what they don't want you to do will help.

Turn up, smile sweetly, don't have much to drink (if you even drink at all), say loudly how you think it's wonderful that all the kids are such close cousins and speak to the other side of the family.

The more you do this and they see they are not getting a reaction they'll soon give up.

SaraBellumHertz · 19/03/2012 13:43

So your DH and his ex split up 15 years ago. You were not the OW and you have been together 11 years?

Your DH needs to tell his family to grow up and you should most definitely go to the christening. WTF sort of scene is going to happen now, after all this time.

Weird.

imogengladheart · 19/03/2012 13:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Muchadoaboutnuthing · 19/03/2012 13:48

I know part of it is my own fault, I shouldn't care that the ex will be there but I just do, I feel uncomfortable around her. SILs know this and just dont care, they would rather have her there than me and that pisses me off. And yes i know it also makes me immature and petty but I can't help how I feel. I've told them how I feel in the past and they just dont care. When ex says she doesnt want me there they leave me out. But how I feel doesnt matter. God I sound like a whinging teenager Blush

OP posts:
WinkyWinkola · 19/03/2012 13:52

Your sils are vile.

Yanbu. Go to all family occasions. Always be polite to the ex but do not make any particular effort with her.

Why are you letting dh's sisters dictate your position as family outcast? why is your dh? He needs to grow a pair and show pride in his wife.

If my family did this to to dh, I'd cut ties pdq. Oooh the nerve!

WinkyWinkola · 19/03/2012 13:53

Your sils prefer the ex to you? Them tell them where to go when it ones to babysitting.

You sound a bit of a mug tbh.

Original poster
Muchadoaboutnuthing · 19/03/2012 17:22

You're right, I go along with things for a quiet life. And people walk all over me. Maybe a change is in order.

OP posts:
Ingles2 · 19/03/2012 17:30

Too right a change is in order. Come on MuchAdo stand up to these women, don't you dare let your dc think you're not a valid part of the family.

plutocrap · 20/03/2012 09:35

I can't understand why you think you are being the unreasonable one, "petty", "immature", etc. You are taking their qualities onto your own head rather than reflecting these qualities back at all of them.

squeakytoy · 20/03/2012 11:18

I can sympathise. I have been married ten years, and didnt go to my eldest stepdaughters wedding because I do not get on with her bitch of a mother.

Your stepdaughter though, has siblings, YOUR children.. so it will be harder as time goes on to avoid family celebrations where both of you are going to be.

Your SILs need to grow up though, and you should come first above the ex!

accountantsrule · 20/03/2012 11:21

Your DH should try and stand up for you more, I have been in a similar situation (minus the kids) and it wore me down eventually.

You should go to the christening, you should definitely come first about the X, he is with you and not her!

They sound like awful people!