Finances are one of the things that case issues between dh and I. He refuses to pool earnings etc, and I dont really know what he earns as he is director of own company (probably about twice my income.) I am cautious about what I spend, as once its gone from each months paycheck thats it, I don't have a pool of cash just lying aobut that I can use. My money goes on bits and bobs for dc and I, trips out/ sometimes school lunches if I've forgotten the joint account chequebook etc. I cant afford (nor would want) to fritter my cash but at the same time I am not poverty stricken. (although last year before I'd had words with dh I was really really on my uppers and could not afford to get my desperately worn out shoes reheeld etc)
He can flash his cash and go to the horse racing for example and spend £150 on bets without thinking about it, in the same weekend as going and buying an expensive electrical item for £400.
Whilst he argues that the whole family would be able to use it, I know that really we would only be able to use it when he says we can, and if he wants to use it we would need to hand it over straight away. At the drop of a hat. And he couldn't understand why I thought that was unreasonable. And I cant really. But I know it rankles with me. I think its that if I wanted to spend £400 on something, (oh the very idea!) I would either have to save up for it all year (and the rest) or ask him for the money. And then there would be a discussion about why I wanted the item, whether it was a good idea, if he agreed I needed it etc and I'd have to present a whole sodding business case. Which if he finally agreed with, I'd be made to feel grateful for ever that he'd bought me the item. Whereas he can just go and decide to blow £400 on a whim. I don't get a say, and made to feel bad about raising it because he says "I never spend anything on myself, it all goes on the family, I'm entitled to spend some of the money I spend so hard working for on myself" . Which I dont disagree with in principle. This might sound like sour grapes and jealousy- it really isn't, its about equality and how I feel like a second class citizen in my own marriage.
He says that in a few years time when I've finished paying off my loan, I'll have a lot more spare cash. Which I will. But that loan has accumulated over the years from the period when I was earning more than him and so supported our family financially whilst he was establishing his career. He does not see why he should have to contribute towards it now. If I tell him I'm leaving, and this is one of the main reasons I would (the lack of equal treatment), I'm just going to look like a nasty grabby woman who is just after his money. When we met he said hed had his fingers burned by an ex who was just after his money (not that he had any anyway) and that he was lucky to find me who was not like all the other women he knew. And now he'll just say that I'm going to prove him right.
Other things we have wrong- sex isn't great, just around his fantasies mainly, which I tend to join in with and maybe thats my fault because if I join in its over quicker. And I am a v good actress so I dont think he knows I'm not into it after all. But its not my cup of tea really. I have tried to discuss this with him because he gets terribly defensive and sulks for days on end.
He's also unkind about me physically. Nothing in particular wrong I didn't think but I do carry extra weight, my boobs are (understandably!) a bit on the saggy side after bfing 2 children, I don't shave my legs often enough and I bite my nails. I am under no illusions that I am a disapppointment to him in the looks department.
I think he tends to bully the dc a tiny bit, but I am really wary of this and pull him up on it if I dont think something feels right. He does adore them, though he does get very frustrated and expects them to be v obedient. Hence my radar on alert as they are yr2/preschool and so only little still. Again he sulks if I tell him I think he's being out of order, strops off and refuses to disuss it further.
I dream of leaving him, but I am terrified of the emotional upheaval- I dont deal terribly well with emotional stuff because he can be a bit dismissive when it comes to how I feel and so I just try very hard not to feel stuff at all. Hence Im not very well practiced at it. I think that if I did I am just going to be painted as a terrible wife and mum for leaving over such insignificant things and I don't know if I'm brave enough to deal with all that.
Of course there are good things about him but I can't focus on those at the moment, only the things that hurt me.
Mumsnet is normally such a good barometer for stuff like this. I had considered putting this in relationships, there is such excellent advice there, but I know that here in AIBU you pull no punches.
Would I BU to ditch his sorry arse?