to think DH could have been nicer on mothers' day?

[HannahZ]

So, I got up on mothers' day when (toddler) DS woke up. DD already downstairs watching TV as usual. I was having a lovely snuggle with DS when DH stormed in and asked if I was aware that DD(5) had woken him at 6.15am by pottering about in her room before going downstairs. I wasn't, so just mildly said that I was sure he would have dealt with it.

Anyway, apparently this "noise" (didn't wake me and I was in the room next door) was all my fault because I'd let her come into our room early one day when DH was away on business a couple of weeks ago. Also, the reason DD doesn't always do as she's told straight away is because I "enter into discussions" with her instead of laying down the law. I am actually the strictest mum I know (not naturally but because I know DH is a stickler for behaviour) but do sometimes discuss other options with DD if it seems reasonable to try to accommodate everyone's wishes.

AIBU to think that Mothers' Day was not the time to tell me (in no uncertain terms and with a great deal of anger) of my perceived parenting weaknesses? Spent all morning in tears and then being further harangued for not being able to take criticism and not working as a team with DH.

YANBU.Your 'D'H sounds like a prize twat.

YANBU.

Your DH sounds like a dickhead.
Sorry.

YANBU - except that it sounds to me like your DH should be nicer on all days not just once a year! What a tosser!

Mother's Day or not I think you need to be more strict with your husband, never mind the kids, you sound lovely, a lovely mum, a NORMAL mum... he's coming across as a knob.

x

YANBU he sounds like a wanker.

I get the suspicion that his idea of working as a team is you doing what he says. If this is the case you need to point out that as a team you are equals who both get a say and come to a mutually satisfactory agreement over whatever it is you've discussed.

Why do you have to parent the way HE wants? That's not working as a team.

Does he not like you or his own children then? :(

Most of the time he is lovely, but he does have this thing that I pander to DD too much. I do like to treat her (including stuff like letting her come in my room for a cuddle when DH is away) but mainly because she is generally a really loving, helpful, kind, well-behaved little girl and deserves it. I kind of assume that a bit of attitude and pushing boundaries now and again comes with the territory of a 5yo and don't think it's such a big deal if she's not perfect all the time. I think I'd be a bit freaked out if she was!

Sorry, x-posted there. Yes, he is working very hard at the moment and does value his sleep so it was a big deal to him to be woken early. But this wasn't a complete one-off, he really does seem to think that any shortcomings in the kids' behaviour is down to things I have done (or not done) although normally it's not expressed quite so unpleasantly.

I just wish he could appreciate that our kids are actually really easygoing and very well behaved most of the time. I could try to talk to him about it but I think it would probably go badly - can't remember the last time he admitted he'd been in the wrong (or even that there are two sides to a story) and I'm not sure I can face the arguments that would come out of any effort to put my view across.

He sounds like a control freak with regards to the children, one of those who think that children should do EXACTLY as their parent says all the time like a little soldier, with no thinking about their actually personalities and that they have minds of their own.

Is that the way YOU want your children parented? I wouldn't.

Coming into your bedroom once do cuddle is such a tiny thing that it hardly even counts as a treat! Children need affection and cuddles, i mean REALLY need it! Why would anyone say no to that?!

Do you think he might be jealous when you give your daughter cuddles or do you think he's just a controlling twat?

I suspect that you posted this op because you feel unhappy about the parenting root you are being bullied into taking. Sorry if i am wrong.

Is he in the army?

He is a bit of a control freak and has a particular thing about kids not wandering into the bedroom in the morning as they tend to be up before us. It's definitely not a cuddles thing generally as he is very affectionate with the children, just that he felt I'd undermined a boundary that is important to him (I don't see why noise in the morning is connected with coming into our room though!)

I do feel uncomfortable about his level of strictness but if we discuss it, he says that my way of doing things leads to worse behaviour - which it probably does. I just still prefer not being quite so hard-line

I also prefer not always being in the wrong and this is raising upsetting memories of how he was when DS was born. Probably again a sleep deprivation thing, but I ended up borderline PND. 3 months til the next one due and am really starting to get stressed again.

Can't offer any real advice OP, sorry. I am in similar situation as my DH is also stricter than me and any time I try to put my point across, I am letting theri behaviour escalate.
He is a bit of a control freak too, which really pees me off.
Am sitting on this thread as someone with good advice will be along soon
xxx

You sound normal he doesn't. We bought a super king sized bed, because the kids liked to pile in for a cuddle (or a bounce on Daddy). If he can't sleep through a bit of pottering in the room next door he should get ear plugs.
If he can't admit he is ever wrong, he has much bigger problems.

BTW I just wondered if he is in the military?

No, not in the military, just likes to be in control. He is really really intelligent and I think is therefore used to other people not making very good points and him being right. It unfortunately makes any discussion extremely difficult as I get overwhelmed by the force of his arguments and can only think of what I wanted to say when it's too late.

Every parent has a different view - my DH is stricter than I am; I tend to let little ones get away with more because I can see things from their perspective. I also believe (and so does DH now) in discussing decisions we have made with children; they have opinions and views too, why not hear them out? Obviously, we make the final decisions, but it is so much nicer for everyone if we all feel included. DH and I balance each other out. We don't allow DD to manipulate one of us into contradicting the other, but we have many conversations around "am I being too soft/too hard? etc".

Reasonable adults should be able to understand the other parent's point of view, and should concede that not every single tiny weeny battle with a child must be won - that's how spirits are broken. Oh yes, and children do tend to get up early; he needs to get used to that otherwise your kids will spend their childhood either creeping around silently with you in the morning so as not to disturb the grumpy dad, or downstairs, alone, in front of the telly .

OP, your DH should not get the final say over how you deal with your children; you are both their parents, and you must reach a consensus that you can both live with. Can you have a discussion somewhere neutral, like a restaurant, where he probably won't be so inclined to bully/shout/criticise you and make you cry, but might actually listen to you?

Just re-read my last sentence above, and I reiterate my original post - your husband is a twat.

Gosh - he sounds very fond of himself indeed!
He's very very intelligent is he? More intelligent than everyone else even, to the extent where he has grown used to the wrongness of others in the face of his own superior brain.
Hmm

I think he sounds like hard bloody work OP.
It comes over as his way or the highway really...not much fun for you and the children tbh.

Thing is, how do you get someone like that to see things from your point of view?
If they are always right and you are always wrong, your views and opinions are never going to be taken seriously.

This is projection: (where a person accuses you of the very behaviour they are exhibiting) Spent all morning in tears and then being further harangued for not being able to take criticism and not working as a team with DH.

And this is him being controlling: I could try to talk to him about it but I think it would probably go badly - can't remember the last time he admitted he'd been in the wrong (or even that there are two sides to a story) and I'm not sure I can face the arguments that would come out of any effort to put my view across.

You have got to the stage where you won't dare to raise concerns about his behaviour for fear of the consequences.

That's not a good sign.

I think he sounds horrible.
And what Pictish said.

There's lots of different ways to be intelligent. Being a scientist doesn't mean a person can speak Latin, neither does being a mathematician make someone the ultimate parent.

You need to explain that his ability, in whatever area it is doesn't give him superior knowledge on children and parenting. That he needs to treat your opinions as equal to his. You are as much a parent to those children as he is.

Personally if he couldn't do that i couldn't be with him.

Its the least your DH could do on Mothers day to get up early without moaning - honestly!

I can't really offer any good advice but I think you sound like you are doing the right things with regards to your DC, maybe you should compromise with him a bit as its not really a good idea to enter discussions with 5 year olds around their discipline (I have seen my S.I.L do this with my niece and it doesn't help that much) but at the end of the day DD is only 5 so no need to be 'military' strict in this situation.

My friend's husband didn't remember to get her any cards and blamed it on bad communication between him and the DC's (age 4 and 7) FFS - honestly!!!! not sure why I added this but thought it may cheer people up when they know they are not the only ones with DH's that leave a lot to be desired ;o)

I find any discussions on the 'right way' to parent very wearing and sometimes upsetting but in other areas he is very thoughtful and considerate. It is also my view, rather than his, that it is his intelligence that makes arguments so difficult - he's not bigheaded at all.

I think I need to calm down and feel less emotional before I raise this issue. Trust me, experience shows that being somewhere public would not make me any less likely to cry Anyway, we are probably more in agreement than it sounds - I am happy for DD to go downstairs quietly in the mornings until we are all up and do think it is important to set certain boundaries and have good manners etc; it's the pressure of getting the blame if she forgets or backchats that I find so stressful.

Thank you all for your input though. I think I would have been inclined to let it slide to avoid an argument otherwise but now think I really do need to talk to him about how this makes me feel.