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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is not a good motivational tool

49 replies

Rillyrillygoodlooking · 19/03/2012 07:10

To get me to lose weight?
I struggle with eating and I would say that I am a compulsive over eater. It has been getting worse over the last year and I would say I am probably about 4 stone overweight. It's unlikely to get better in the next 6 months.
Tonight Dh after finding that I had eaten a caramel egg said, and I quote,
No one will love you when you are really fat
I asked him if it was a threat and he said yes.

I appreciate that my eating habits are frustrating to someone else but Aibu to think that this may not be the way to change my habits, habits that depress and disgust me, but I can't seem to get under control?

OP posts:
carabos · 19/03/2012 07:14

Some people respond to the stick, some to the carrot. You need to work out which you are and communicate this to your support network so they can effectively help with your motivation.

You may think you need lots of positive reinforcement, when in fact the thing that drives you to action is actually a threat. Everyone is different and it doesn't matter what works for you, as long as something does.

GetTheeToANunnery · 19/03/2012 07:15

What will help then? It might not be a nice thing to hear but it's probably true. I don't mean to be harsh but pussy footing around you and not saying anything is just avoiding the issue.

Did it not make you think a bit more seriously about eating less?

GavisconJunkie · 19/03/2012 07:15

Well I'd agree it doesn't sound supportive, bit I need more information. Does he feel like he's tried every other tactic already & it's not worked? Perhapshe thinks that will shock you into action?

It is frustrating when you love someone who doesn't appear to help themselves.

So based on info provided, I don't know iyabu.

SoupDragon · 19/03/2012 07:19

"I am probably about 4 stone overweight. It's unlikely to get better in the next 6 months. "

Why is it unlikely to get better in the next 6 months? It could if you made attempts to sort out the issues you have with food and construct a plan.

morecoffeepleaseholdthecake · 19/03/2012 07:22

I think your Dh is very out of order. To threaten you by saying he won't love you if you're really fat is completely different to suggesting someone may need to think about loosing some weight (or other more tactful and sensitive but to the point statement iyswim).

For what its worth, I am in a similar situation. I comfort eat. I also eat for energy (i work 11 hour night shifts and then look after the dc in the day) and on average I'm down 1 nights sleep a week. I have joined slimming world as I can eat what I want when I want from their free food.lists and the weight us coming off.

Does your Dh know how you feel about your weight issues?

ohbugrit · 19/03/2012 07:24

Jesus, OP, ignore those two! FFS people, if it was that fucking simple do you not think perhaps the OP would be a healthy size already? She doesn't exactly sound full of joy about being overweight and has used the term 'compulsive'. Nothing 'blunt' said to her by her DH will be anywhere near as harsh as what she's already subjecting herself to.

OP, I am in a similar position but with a more supportive DH. I haven't got the answers and so far it has not been that helpful for me but you need to start by telling your GP what's going on. I hope you get help soon and don't worry, not everyone is as judgemental and ignorant as these two.

ohbugrit · 19/03/2012 07:25

Millions of cross posts. You need support OP.

everlong · 19/03/2012 07:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GetTheeToANunnery · 19/03/2012 07:27

You haven't got the answers? The answer is to replace unhealthy food with healthier versions, eat less and exercise more.
It's not easy but it works

ohbugrit · 19/03/2012 07:27

This attitude makes me so cross though. I lead an active healthy lifestyle, and now run nearly 15k a week. I'm still a compulsive overeater though. It isn't as straightforward as just eating better and moving more - it's about a coping mechanism.

morecoffeepleaseholdthecake · 19/03/2012 07:28

Well said oh buggerit

People are so quick to judge people who are overweight. They do not see that more often there is more to the persons problem than just weight, it runs much deeper than that.

I imagine that when the op says its unlikely to get better in the next 6months, this is probably dye to her unsupportive Dh.

Op, if you want support with loosing weight, we are here and understand :)

everlong · 19/03/2012 07:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

morecoffeepleaseholdthecake · 19/03/2012 07:30

More x posts!

Sorry due not dye obvs

ohbugrit · 19/03/2012 07:30

GetThee that would be good advice if the OP didn't already know that. Eating because you are emotionally out of control is different to greed or stupidity. Your advice is analogous to telling a depressive to cheer up and is a complete insult.

diddl · 19/03/2012 07:32

It was a horrible thing to say.

But it is bloody frustrating to live with someone who is constantly on about their weight & doing nothing about it.

My mum was a case in point.

If she went to get a biscuit & you "pulled her up" on it-she´d have two & blame you for saying something.

If you said nothing to her that was wrong also.

I doubt that your husband means that he wouldn´t love you-but he probably doesn´t love your relationship with food.

morecoffeepleaseholdthecake · 19/03/2012 07:32

I agree oh buggerit, or telling someone with anorexia to pull themselves together and eat something. Totally inappropriate advice.

jinsei · 19/03/2012 07:36

Your DH is being an arse.

I also eat compulsively. Someone on here recently suggested that I was addicted to sugar, and I have been trying to cut it out. I'm not restricting how much I eat atm, just increasing my intake of protein and whole grains, especially at breakfast, and avoiding all refined sugar. There is a site called Radiant Recovery - I am not following that plan completely, but adapting it to suit myself.

At first, I was so dependent on sugar, I didn't even want to think about a life without sweet treats, and I also had terrible headaches the first few days - withdrawal symptoms! But I have found the less I eat, the less I crave - I'm surprised actually at how easy it has been to break the cycle, and I'm snacking less between meals too.

When I do get the nibbles, I'm snacking on stuff like cottage cheese & ryvita or fruit, nuts etc. When I have eaten more healthily for about a month (I've done a couple of weeks so far), I will start gradually reducing my overall calorie intake, and try to build in some more exercise and activity.

Seriously, give it a try. Sugar is not your friend, much as you may crave it. Do this for yourself, you are worth it.

GetTheeToANunnery · 19/03/2012 07:37

Do you do anything to attempt to lose weight op?

I totally get how hard it is, I'm a compulsive eater as well, I suffer on/off with depression and have a massive love for chocolate and all things unhealthy. It's a constant struggle not to be fat but making excuses for yourself isn't going to do anything for you apart from probably make you fatter.

Just saying, you must at least try to do something instead of talking about it, see what that does to your self esteem when you start losing the pounds. I bet it would make you feel a million times better

stainesmassif · 19/03/2012 07:44

Compulsive eaters are often dealing with their emotions with food. If your dh is telling you that his love for you is dependent upon your physical appearance I'm not at all surprised if you are finding emotions hard to deal with and over eating as a result.
However I agree you need to come up with an action plan for yourself - self esteem probably needs building up to start with tho.

ohbugrit · 19/03/2012 07:48

Seriously, GetThee, I question your suitability to advise on this. As someone who is very nutritionally aware, someone active, someone fit, who has pretty good self-esteem and leads a busy, happy life I cannot fathom how on earth 'doing something about it' is going to fix me. I don't imagine the OP feels any different. But you know, if you have a slightly more specific solution for us fatties we're all ears.

learningtofly · 19/03/2012 07:50

Oh op you have my sympathy - I always find putting on weight much easier than losing it.

I think really it depends where you are emotionally to how you respond to comments like your dh said. Before Christmas my practice nurse told me that unless I lost weight my bum would be huge and spread across seats (totally true)

At first I was really quite upset. Then I got cross. And then I got properly mad - deeply fuming mad - at her and at myself and so in January I took up running with the express desire to prove her wrong and many a run was spurred on by wanting to shove her words where the run didn't shine.

I am now running a 10k next weekend and planning a half marathon later this year all thanks to that nurse.

Now I haven't lost oodles of weight but I have lost inches - lots of inches and dropped a dress size and bra size. I used her negative comments to fire me on and turn it into a positive outcome. What you need to find is what will support you best if you really want to make changes. I wish you all the best.

jinsei · 19/03/2012 07:56

I get where getthee is coming from. Sometimes it just helps to do something - anything - to help move you towards your goal. If the OP is anything like me, she probably hates her relationship with food and feels utterly shit about it. Taking just a small step towards being in charge of what you eat, instead of letting the constant cravings control you, can be very empowering, and can help to boost a low self esteem. I agree that the OP will feel better if she has a plan and takes some action.

Megatron · 19/03/2012 07:56

It was a horrible thing to say and how anyone would think that you would suddenly think 'oh right, that's that then, my attitude has now completely changed as a result of that very comment' is beyond me.

Are you an emotional overeater or do you think it's habit? I think if you can fathom the reasons behind your problem with food you will be a long way towards doing something about it. What have you tried so far? Have you lost weight before then put it back on again?

GetTheeToANunnery · 19/03/2012 07:58

I'll step out of this thread then ohbugrit, I've obviously touched a nerve.
I can't see what I've said that's that bad though? It's all true, eat less, do more and you'll feel better when the weight starts to come off. Talking about how upset you are at being fat will not do anything.

GavisconJunkie · 19/03/2012 08:02

I should point out that I was also 4 stone overweight, compulsive eating & lack of exercise. My DP was very supportive, encouraging & great at seeking out help with me. I tried so many different things.

It was only the day that he snapped during one of my 'creme egg in mouth' bouts of self pity & said that only I could help myself that I was startled into really working at it. I used the same methods as before, but this time they worked.

So to those who said ignore me, that is the clarification.

I wish the op all the best, but like I said we don't actually know the background, so assuming to be too knowledgable either way is probably not that helpful in actual fact.