To think this is not a good motivational tool

[Rillyrillygoodlooking]

To get me to lose weight?
I struggle with eating and I would say that I am a compulsive over eater. It has been getting worse over the last year and I would say I am probably about 4 stone overweight. It's unlikely to get better in the next 6 months.
Tonight Dh after finding that I had eaten a caramel egg said, and I quote,
No one will love you when you are really fat
I asked him if it was a threat and he said yes.

I appreciate that my eating habits are frustrating to someone else but Aibu to think that this may not be the way to change my habits, habits that depress and disgust me, but I can't seem to get under control?

Would you expect a bulimic to find that helpful?

I think that Getthee has a good point tbh.

I have high blood sugar & since I´ve been told to cut out the sugar-it´s all I want to eat!

So, I take each day at a time & if I have a "slip" I make sure I stop at the one & don´t say oh well I´ve had one biscuit I might as well have them all.

Stainesmassif I agree about what you've said about the OP's husband.

My first reaction was that love isn't supposed to be about the physical. Attraction is, but love is something else altogether.

Your DH's comments didn't help. If you are overeating because of emotional issues, then it's the issues that need looking at.What he said was very hurtful.

God knows if getting slim is as simple as eating properly and exercising, we'd all be size 8. Sadly it isn't that simple.

I think you may need to talk to a counselor and get to the bottom of why you need food for comfort. I'm no psychologist, but I think weight gain starts in our heads - in the way we think, and emotionally.

I've struggled with my weight all of my adult life. It's only recently that I've found a way to eat and live that works for me. Getting rid of the sugar addiction has really helped me too jinsea.

I would also agree with sugar addiction.I am a sugar addict! But since doing slimming world I have practically stopped eating cakes sweets biscuits etc and substituted with yoghurt and fruit or soup etc

Op I know you say nothing is likely to change in 6 months but you could lose 3 stone.
Your dh is not helping though!

stealth I agree - no need to put it off like I have done for years. The longer you leave it, the harder it will be.

Yes I am also speaking from experience. Always been a binge eater. Eat carbs and sweet stuff, well chocolate. Agree with whoever said you need to find soemhing that works. I've lost about 3st same again to go. But it helps me to think that in fact if you want to do it, now is as good a time to start as any. The past is the past.

Thanks for all your replies, I wrote a reply this morning and then the internet went tits up on my computer, gah. I will try to recreate the erudite, lucid post that I had planned for you now ;)

So, I spoke to DH about his statement. I explained some things, he said some things, nothing that hasn't already been said before. He was just trying to shock me, which he has also done before. It just makes me panic and eat more . DH wants me to eat, but when he wants to. He bought the caramel egg, he buys choc/snacks nearly every evening. What he doesn't want is me to stand in the kitchen cupboard snarfing down a load of food on my own.

I am a talker, I like to discuss stuff (I appreciate that this doesn't actually lose me any weight though). DH is a fixer, he wants to provide a practical solution and there, I will stop eating. He doesn't understand the emotional issues attached to eating for me. Although a lot of it is about habit.

My first slimming club visit was when I was 10 years old and I lost a stone and a half. I also went to SW 10 years ago and lost 2 and a half stone. I am now 1 stone heavier than when I joined SW. Diets don't work for me, because I don't stick to them and if I do, I slip back into old habits.

I decided to go really slowly and work at breaking food habits. So, I set myself goals, like I won't eat the DCs' leftovers anymore. And I don't. Next step is to not eat while I am preparing food. Then not eat after 9pm. THis means I won't feel shit all the time about eating choc etc, as long as I sticking to my goals. I will cut down the amount of food I eat slowly and not think about my weight as this just makes it worse.

I explained this theory to DH last week and he just said, yeah, but what you need to do is exercise more. I just want him to support what I am doing and not ask me what I have eaten everyday, or say "how has your eating been?". I know it is difficult for him, and like diddl's mum I do do a bit of "fuck you" eating as I call it.

To be fair to DH, he does understand my new approach more since talking about it yesterday, and we are both going to give up sugar for the next month. I will look up radiant recovery, thanks for the tip jinsei.

Rilly, come and join us HERE

Also Rilly- I find it easiest just not to have "crap" in the house as I find it hard to resist.

Fortunately my husband is good at not buying crap & does support me in this.

Your DH needs to stop buying chic and snacks for the evening. If he wants these, eat them out of the house.

He is right, you do need to exercise - make a daily walk your next goal perhaps rather than an eating one. Find an outdoorsy hobby that you can all do as a family that involves walking - then it's a hobby not a chore.

I don't buy creme eggs or choicolate or cakes or crisps. If I bake a cake, it's so I can give it to someone else.

If I fancy a snack at home, I have a couple of carrots.

I'm the same Rilly. If I decide on a diet I end up finding little ways to cheat in a 'you can't control me' way. But I'm trying to control myself

If I had someone asking what I'd eaten I'd just become secretive and lie which would make me feel worse and crave more comfort junk. It's a bad cycle really isn't it?

I think recognising you need to change little bad habits is a great place to start so well done with that.

Be honest with DH about what would be supportive from him but at the same time, be honest with yourself and don't just banish him from speaking the truth just to enable yourself iyswim?

Can I please offer some thoughts about the role of exercise?

Last year I decided to start running. I've kept it up, running three times a week, and for the first time in my life I'm genuinely doing regular exercise. I've lost a little weight and toned up lots (the weight loss is still a long way from what I'd like but others are frequently complimenting me on looking well or good). But it's only served to clarify that my relationship with food is the problem.

Exercise makes me feel and look better. I love it and miss it on days off. But I am still a compulsive binge eater. That hasn't changed because my fitness and weight isn't the problem.

I haven't got an answer, but it was a revelation to discover that exercise only helps with the symptoms of bingeing - it isn't the cure. Ditto dieting. It was saddening to find that even though I'd taken myself in hand and 'done something about it' I still wasn't fixed. At least now I know where and what the problem is and I carry less guilt because it really isn't that I'm just lazy.

Good idea rilly, cutting out the little extra bits of food that you don't need is a good starting point. I agree though that him asking every day isn't going to help you. You're a grown woman, you don't need checking on. this is an excellent tool for helping you keep track of how you are doing.

You should do some exercise though, even if it's just a walk out at a medium-fast pace.

Also agree your DH needs to stop buying crap, you'll only eat it if it's in the house. I found a good thing for me was trying to give myself at least a couple of days in the week where I didn't have any chocolate/sweet stuff/unhealthy food. It was really hard at first cos I'd got myself used to having a 'treat' every day.

Try not to think of it as a diet. Make it a life style change. You can still enjoy your food though, just don't binge eat. Good luck

He will find it impossible to understand op. He does not think about food the way you do. I think he is trying to support you but does not really know how.

I have a sister who, until recently, was morbidly obese. At least 6st overweight. It is heartbreaking to watch someone you love do this to themselves and nothing you say helps. We know it comes from our childhood. I also had problems and ended up in therapy which helped so much.
its not about food or exercise its about feelings and emotions which need untangling.
You have decided nothing will change in the next 6 months. You eat to punish others "fuck you" eating. Yet with support you could use that time to make the changes you need to. Get some proper support, why not try?

"just don't binge eat"

How could I have overlooked this simple solution for 20 years?

Why do you have such a problem with me ohburgit?

Losing weight is easier said than done! I was 4 stone over weight this time last year and Dh had never really mentioned it, but I had a serious talk with him and he admitted that he didn't find me as attractive now I was fat as when I was slimmer. He did say he would always love me no matter what size I was just that when I'm slimmer he thinks phwoar! More often. That comment was both a carrot and a stick for me and I'm now only 1st overweight and still losing! Oh, and he jumps on me all the time ;0)

I have no problem with you, GetThee, but I do have a problem with your advice. It's simplistic and insulting.

Very unsupportative. Overeating is often linked to a poor self-esteem, so I think few people would be encouraged by reducing their self-esteem further. You're more likely to succeed in dieting when you're happy and well supported. Have you thought about joining a slimming group or exercise group? They can be very supportive.

Thanks for supportive messages
I have to move past the "yeah but", when it comes to exercise. I loathe exercise. It's mostly because I don't want to look stupid. I don't have good balance do things like doing a walk on a hill frightens me cos I think I will fall down it I also make the excuse of having two children under five who don't walk far or fast. This is frustrating for Dh. My fear makes me automatically say no to activities. I can't keep the embarrassment of school sports over 20 years ago rule my life.
If I change my habits bit by bit, I may be able to tackle the binge eating eventually, but it isn't as simple as just not binge eating. It's almost like an out of body experience or a split personality when it happens. And after a couple of weeks of dieting i feel relieved to go back to old patterns as they are familiar even though I know they make miserable in the long run. It sounds nuts!
I appreciate all of your comments even the ones I don't particularly want to hear

"And after a couple of weeks of dieting i feel relieved to go back to old patterns as they are familiar"

You need to see it not as dieting but as a new way of life. i.e. you're not depriving yourself of anything it's just how you eat now.

Which is far easier said than done! :) It's like the difference between a smoker telling themselves they've given up and telling themselves they are a non-smoker.

Even a slow walk with children is better than no walk at all - it will get you out and about and moving (and I speak as someone who can come up with many excuses not to go out for walks etc)

The advantage of being out & about is that you´re not in the house eating.

I often knit in the evenings-also stops me snacking!