to be worried about stepson's home situation?

[spg1983]

Ok, basically I'm married and my dh has a 6-year old from a previous marriage. I've known my stepson since he was 1 and have played an active part in his life. I get on well with his mum although I don't agree with her lifestyle...she managed to get herself signed off work sick even though her doctor had done every test under the sun and found nothing-think she ground him down in the end! However, she manages to go out every day and has a cracking social life. But although I don't agree it's not my place to say anything. He's a lovely little boy but has recently been having some health issues. He seems to always have a cold, cough and runny nose plus his mum also said that he'd go blue around the mouth after even a brisk 20-metre walk although we never saw this for ourselves.

Recently, his mum took him to the doctor who suggested asthma (she has it too - not sure if it's hereditary?) and prescribed a blue inhaler for when his lips went blue or he was having trouble breathing. He was also given a peak flow meter to do twice per day.
I am just concerned for a few reasons...we have him come to stay with us for 2-3 days every week but whenever we arrive at her house, he's very subdued and quiet. She tells us literally EVERY week that he's ill and lists the things he is not allowed to do. However, ten minutes after leaving the house, he's hyperactive and not ill in any way, apart from having to wipe his nose every so often. He goes to adventure playgrounds and throws himself about the place without showing any signs of breathlessness.

However, since the diagnosis of asthma, things have got more serious. When at home, he'd be given at least 4 puffs on a blue inhaler every day and his peak flow readings were through the floor. At ours, he'd nit need the inhaler and the peak flow readings were above average for a child of his age and height. There are some differences in the 2 houses-ours is newer and I'm a total clean freak, whereas his mum's house is older and quite dusty and they have a dog who sheds a LOT of hair-their floor and furniture have a visible layer of it permanently. That's not me being mean-it's just how it is.

The thing that is worrying me is that something is triggering his asthma at home yet when we suggested allergy testing his mum went mental. I know that it would be awful if they had to do something like re-home the dog but she seems to not notice how his health is fluctuating. I don't know what to do, or even if I can/should do or say anything-dh won't help as he doesn't want to rock the boat - help!

I don't know much about asthma so can't help you in that direction but from what you have reported something seems to be going on.

The only thing I would say is that it is his dad that should be dealing with this. I mean obviously you can talk about it in private but if things need to be said to the mother it should be your partner who does it.

I have suffered from asthma for years, but I think your oh should push for the allergy testing, mine was never investigated when I was young and when I got older I was just used to it... Then I stayed at a friends house and ended up in hospital with a full blown attack, it turned out I was allergic to a chemical yet use to treat leather sofas, I can't even go into a furniture shop

Seriously though, you are dnbu to be concerned, sometimes people discount asthma as it is common, but it is not only potentially life threatening and limiting without stability and the correct treatment, but I can't thing if a single thing that is worse than when I have an asthma attack and feel that I am slowly suffocating to death.

It sounds like you have a reasonable relationship with the mother, but this is most definitely the dads place to be making an issue, and if he doesn't feel motivated hold his nose and mouth shut until he understands how it feels to be incapable of breathing

It sounds to me as if he is allergic, perhaps to the dog. Suggest your DH tackles the ex and explains the concerns you both have then decide on a way forward.

Thanks, it's difficult to bring things like this up with OH as I don't want to feel as if I'm being overly critical of her in any way. I just think that if he were mine, I'd want firstly to get to the bottom of things and secondly for him to be as well as he could be, all the time.

The big problem now is my OH...he agrees that there may be an issue there and did bring it up with her one day but she told him not to be so silly! He's worried that if he pushes things then she'll get really angry with him (she doesn't react well to anything she may construe as a criticism) and also won't do anything about it, hence getting no further forward but wrecking the relationship in the meantime. I can understand this but I just think that the son's health is more important in this case and can't understand why she's not pushing for more info - does she actually want him to get better or learn to manage it?!

Ooh - just had a thought - maybe I should show him this thread - good idea or not? If he sees it's not just me thinking like this then it may spur him into trying to say something again...???

It does sound as though the dog could be the issue. Could your DH ask DSS's mother if he can go with her to a docs appointment, in order to better understand everything? If peak flows are being recorded, and if she is showing those records to the GP/asthma nurse, then the difference is going to stand out and the reaction would, surely, be to investigate what the difference between the two homes it. The only reason I can think that this would not be happening is if his mother is choosing not to show the doctor/nurse all of the peak flow readings.

I may be wrong, so I apologise in advance, but are you sure he's not just got the cold/flu type thing that is going round?
My ds had had a runny nose most of this winter. I'm not saying that he doesn't need to be allergy tested (good idea), but if she is a hypocondriact (I know that's spelt wrong) with being signed of work when she's well etc are you sure she isn't just saying he's 'ill' just so she gets attention/sympathy?

Sadly I know someone like this, her dd is fine, but she always has one thing or another 'wrong' with her because her mum like the attention.

I agree that your dh needs to get involved. Its his child to, and if he is living in a environment that is causing his asthma to be worse, then surely the childs health is at risk?

What I meant above is that she likes the attention from her ds being ill. Perhaps not doing everything she can do to help.

I don't think I'm getting across what I'm thinking very well

I get what you mean - don't worry! I think that she does like the attention/sympathy and that adds to the issues. He has had a cold/runny nose pretty much permanently for the last 18 months or so with varying degrees of severity - sometimes just a dribbly nose, sometimes sneezing and coughing etc with lots of mucus (tmi, sorry!).

DH does tend to be shut out of meetings and appointments relating to his son - he is a teacher so cannot just take time off at short notice unless it is an absolute emergency and she tends to book and attend appointments on the same day, during the daytime so he has no chance of going normally. But that is a good point - again he needs to speak to her about going to the doctor's together.

If I'm totally honest though, I think that although the peak flow readings are charted by all of us, she has hinted that she does not believe that he truly gets the readings he does with us and probably tells the asthma nurse that we are trying to cover up the problem and making them seem higher than they are, i.e. getting her to ignore our readings. This isn't the case - we follow the peak flow instructions to the letter. All of my family and our friends are gobsmacked when we tell them that he is asthmatic - he runs rings around us all and is always full of energy - except when we pick him up and drop him back off - then he seems very quiet, unenergetic and grumpy!

I'm just worried that either there is a problem being triggered by his home environment or that he is being overly medicated for an issue that isn't there or isn't as bad as the 'evidence' shows.

that he is being overly medicated for an issue that isn't there or isn't as bad as the 'evidence' shows

That is what I was trying to say Must get brain in gear!

Is there any chance that this is a case of muncheusens by proxy? Just an idea - might be way off but it does seem odd that his mother is constantly raising issues with his health yet you see no real symptoms of these.

I thought the same as allnewtaketwo.

Could be...he is 'apparently' ALWAYS ill - but we have never seen any symptoms apart from colds. We are always given instructions on what (and what not) to do and what medicine to give him and to be honest we don't take it anywhere near as seriously as we used to - obviously if he's prescribed something then we give it to him - we'd never withhold medicine or do anything deliberately destructive but it's kind of like the boy who cried wolf - what will we do if he ever is seriously ill?

I just want to get him involved in some kind of regular activity which will surely help (his mum can't take him anywhere as she's too 'ill'...:/) but we are not allowed to take him swimming (he's not well enough) or take him to any kind of sports club (he's too young) - I'm sorry but I disagree and DH feels that we can't totally disobey the ex's requests which I can understand. We do take him to adventure playgrounds etc and are teaching him to ride a bike and play badminton but I feel that he's missing out on so much for no good reason. We can only do so much in the limited time we have him :(

We had some of this with DSS when he was younger. He too was always in the doctors surgery and had an asthma pump. His mother kept him off school for the most trivial of things and always had something wrong with her too!

Since I first met him at the age of 5, he has never had an asthma attack whilst with us (every weekend, most of the holidays) and IMO only got slightly breathless when playing in the park etc because he used to be overweight. He does get allergic rhinitis/hay fever so very sniffy at times. Since he moved in with us 3 years ago he's seen the doctor just 3 or 4 times, mainly for hay fever tablets.

If your DH has parental responsibility, he can take his DS to the Gp for allergy testing- she can't stop him.

I forgot to add, it may not be as extreme as Munchaussens but there is definitely an element of attention seeking on the mothers part, both for herself and through her DS. Does she want your DH back?

I don't think she wants him back as she has a partner and they seem very happy, but I do feel that the nature of her contact with us does tend to fluctuate according to how happy she is, i.e. normally we'll be friendly when we see each other but only contact when relating to DSS, yet when she's single or going through a rocky patch in her own relationship she'll lash out at DH for the maddest reasons and expect him to be at her beck and call if something trivial happens (like a household appliance not working). She'll expect him to drop what he's doing and come and look at the toaster because the toast is coming out slightly softer than usual(I made that up but it's similar to what has happened!)...even if he's due round the next day to collect his son.

I think that the main thing is that she wants him to feel guilt. Whenever anything happens that means we have to change our timings with him (parents evenings, contagious illness etc), she goes mental and always accuses him of not doing his bit (this is not true - he's excellent and although he doesn't live with his son, he does the best he possibly can). She'll always remind him of the fact that he left her and pretty much always manages to get her own way as DH doesn't want to be seen as the bad guy - even if he thinks she's wrong. And I, in the meantime, just have to sit back and watch all of this happen :(

I think there could genuinely be an allergy at work here. I suffer from allergic asthma, as do a number of my relatives. In my case, it's not pets, but if I am around my trigger allergen, I can feel very ill indeed. As soon as I'm away from it, the symptoms go, IYSWIM. I have 2 rellies who are allergic to dogs. When they are round them, they are very ill, otherwise you wouldn't know they had asthma and they don't take regular meds.

However, as others have mentioned, you only have her word for it. I'd suggest if you can arrange it, that your DH pops over to visit your DSS at home, so he can see what he's like. Could he go around for another reason - e.g. could you 'forget' to return something he needed? Later in the evening, when asthma tends to be worse, or early in the morning would be good times to go. So I'd suggest a Sunday morning/eve when he's been at hers for a while. If he is wheezy, you can take things further and get allergy testing. If he's not, you can talk to the GP about your concerns over the medication.

Ventolin is a reliever and most healthcare professionals I've come into contact with do not advocate you taking it every day. It's a sign your asthma isn't controlled. I have no idea about dosage in a child, but it does seem a lot. There again, it depends on the dosage, as ventolin comes in about 3 or 4 strengths IIRC.

Dogs are one of my triggers, and I feel really, genuinely ill in PILs house (clean, but with dog) - streaming nose, eyes, flu-like symptoms and wheezing. All of the symptoms she describes could be 100% genuine.

Your DH needs to be there at a doctor appt / asthma review. Asthma reviews are scheduled things - not something which would be done within a day of booking - so there is no valid reason DSS's mother couldn't schedule one that your DH could make (in easter hols, for example). If he tries, and she won't co-operate, could he take DSS himself and explain that communication is an issue and he needs to understand what is going on in order to help and support DSS? (sorry, not a LP, so I have no idea if this is forbidden territory...)

We have been round a few times without notice and pick him up every Friday evening when he's been there for a full week (often at home all day as he's kept off school a LOT). We have never seen him wheezing or showing any asthma symptoms. Another problem is that she used to be a learning disability nurse but whenever anything medical comes up she claims to know it all and DH immediately backs off even if it's not right.

I really think that she would not co-operate with regard to him going to the appointments. Could we take him to our GP and would he have access to his notes? I also just worry about DSS then going home and saying 'Daddy took me to the doctors'...the fall-out from that would be crazy! But...if it has to be done then I guess we can give it a try :/

Or would we have to visit the DSS' registered GP? Not really sure - help, anyone?!

You would need to go to his GP to access his records. Agree with poster who suggested your DP goes along to a review. He is going to have to accept there will be fallout from this though- she clearly thinks she knows everything best.

My DHs ex used to be a medical secretary- seeing a pattern here?!

Oh my word...just had a conversation with her and DSS' health was the topic of conversation (as per normal!) and she has just dropped the bombshell that the nurse didn't want to fully diagnose him with asthma and give him a brown inhaler as she thought that triggers needed to be investigated first. The mum then basically persuaded the nurse that he has got bad asthma and needed lots of medication without any further investigation and the nurse gave in! The mum is actually bragging about this and how she "knew more than the nurse"...aargh!

She's got him on a preventer as well ? Bugger the consequences, your DH needs to insist on going to an asthma review and tell them how DSS is at your house.

Pet allergy is a really common trigger for asthma. It sounds like she might not want to face up to that.

Your dh has to somehow get in on this. Sounds tricky.

Yup, I almost didn't want people to agree with me in case this situation came up. I just know that her argument will be that she had the dog before DSS wad born and they have always lived in the same house so why haven't there been problems before? The house has seemed to be more "hairy" over the last few months with less cleaning going on. Can an allergy develop even if a pet has been there for a while or is it more likely that it's the fact that the hair is less under control than in the past?