to be worried about stepson's home situation?

[spg1983]

Ok, basically I'm married and my dh has a 6-year old from a previous marriage. I've known my stepson since he was 1 and have played an active part in his life. I get on well with his mum although I don't agree with her lifestyle...she managed to get herself signed off work sick even though her doctor had done every test under the sun and found nothing-think she ground him down in the end! However, she manages to go out every day and has a cracking social life. But although I don't agree it's not my place to say anything. He's a lovely little boy but has recently been having some health issues. He seems to always have a cold, cough and runny nose plus his mum also said that he'd go blue around the mouth after even a brisk 20-metre walk although we never saw this for ourselves.

Recently, his mum took him to the doctor who suggested asthma (she has it too - not sure if it's hereditary?) and prescribed a blue inhaler for when his lips went blue or he was having trouble breathing. He was also given a peak flow meter to do twice per day.
I am just concerned for a few reasons...we have him come to stay with us for 2-3 days every week but whenever we arrive at her house, he's very subdued and quiet. She tells us literally EVERY week that he's ill and lists the things he is not allowed to do. However, ten minutes after leaving the house, he's hyperactive and not ill in any way, apart from having to wipe his nose every so often. He goes to adventure playgrounds and throws himself about the place without showing any signs of breathlessness.

However, since the diagnosis of asthma, things have got more serious. When at home, he'd be given at least 4 puffs on a blue inhaler every day and his peak flow readings were through the floor. At ours, he'd nit need the inhaler and the peak flow readings were above average for a child of his age and height. There are some differences in the 2 houses-ours is newer and I'm a total clean freak, whereas his mum's house is older and quite dusty and they have a dog who sheds a LOT of hair-their floor and furniture have a visible layer of it permanently. That's not me being mean-it's just how it is.

The thing that is worrying me is that something is triggering his asthma at home yet when we suggested allergy testing his mum went mental. I know that it would be awful if they had to do something like re-home the dog but she seems to not notice how his health is fluctuating. I don't know what to do, or even if I can/should do or say anything-dh won't help as he doesn't want to rock the boat - help!

I don't really know, but I do know that allergies can get worse over time.

Sounds abit like she has Munchausan's!!

Does you DH have parental responsibility? If he does there is nothing to stop him taking DS to the doctors himself without her prior knowledge or consent and he could have DS allergy tested himself, sometimes pharmacy's can carry these out without need for a doctor, may be worth enquiring locally. Otherwise perhaps its worth applying for a parental responsibility order through the courts, they rarely deny them unless there is a very good reason to.

Allergy's can develop and things such as degree of fur being lost can trigger it. My friends daughter has Cystic Fibrosis and has always had short coated or wirey haired dogs and is very good at keeping the minimal fur shedding kept well on top of. 12 months ago she took on 2 fluffy double coated dogs that shed a lot and thus lose more dander (the bit that causes the allergic reaction), she started needing to go to hospital more frequently ill and with breathing trouble but as soon as she was in hospital she would be fine they'd keep her in just for obs for a couple of days send her home and within a week or two she'd be re-admitted. Eventually they undertook allergy testing and she learn't despite having always had dogs with no issue she is actually allergic to them. The doctor said the dogs would inevitably be the death of her (literally) if she kept them and so they were re-homed and she is now fine still living alongside a minimal shedding border terrier who's fur she can keep on top of.

So long story short yes the increase in fur could be the issue and the reason it hasn't presented before is because she's managed the fur well / better.

I had had my dogs for 5 years before my son came along and I love the little gits to pieces but if it were me in her position no matter how much I loved those dogs (that dog) my son's health would have to come first and they would have to go. I would be sad about it and probably even have a good cry but my children come first and I find it very sad if she puts her love for the dog above that of her child.

There are ways and means of managing it - hard floors, more hoovering, dog-free bedroom, etc - but in order for that to happen the triggers need to be identified. Your DH is going to have to step in - according to what his mother is reporting, his asthma (in her house, at least) is poorly controlled and getting worse, which makes it, to put it bluntly, life threatening. It's not a "don't rock the boat" issue.

I have asthma and am allergic to dogs. And from my user name I have 2 dogs!

They don't bother me if I keep on top of their grooming and Hoover the carpets every other day or so.... If I leave it too long I can really really notice it and have to go out while DH does it and then let the dust settle as it were.

The fact he is ok in your clean house suggests similar and you can't leave it to get worse. I was hospitalised a month ago as I got a chest infection and had an asthma attack and I recognise the signs...

My asthma only really bothers me when there's a quick change in temperature / humidity... I find an ice lolly helps open the airwaves while my inhaler kicks in.

Good luck :)

Hmmm...lots to think about. DH does have parental responsibility so could visit the doctor, although I think the better idea is to keep trying to get the ex to consider allergies as a possibility and then I guess suddenly one day it may be diagnosed due to her "quick thinking"! I do think she'd never put the dog first but I just think she wants to avoid the possibility that it may be making him ill :( and there are already hard floors in the house-they are just very hairy!!

Poor little boy...even his clean clothes are covered in hair when he arrives at ours, I have to go over them with Sellotape or even re-wash them quite often before I let him wear them. Just makes me so angry...

OP there are of course other possibilities for triggers - which is exactly why it needs to be looked into so that decisions about treatment and management are fact based.

Yes I understand... I think the reason the discussion was centred on the dog is because it's the biggest factor which I could think of which only affects one house and not the other. But it could be something else, or even, as suggested by others, a problem that it not really there and is being invented/exaggerated by his mum. Very difficult situation.

Good luck. IMO, your DH needs to see the GP alone. He could ask the doctor not to mention the visit if that would make his feel better.
I knew someone with MSP, she was a trained nurse who could manipulate. Her DD had umpteen investigations for bladder problems and ended up with a supra pubic catheter.
It was Mum tampering with things.

Oh my goodness...that's awful! Have spoken to my DH and he's agreed to start trying to find a sports club for him to attend, regardless of what his ex says. I know it's not really anything to do with this thread but if he is struggling with asthma then this will either highlight it and prove to us that it's not just the mum's imagination or it will just help him to become more fit and healthy in general. If he's able to do lots of exercise then surely it's all evidence about whether or not he actually has asthma. He might even enjoy himself too! :)

I'm not shocked that the inhalers have been give out without proper dx as that happened to me. But IMO preventers shouldn't be handed out on the say so of the mum - you could ask for a peak flow meter and chart and track his peak flow at yours. They can then use this to find a pattern of asthma (or not!). Ask if it's suitable for a child, as he is quite young. But you need to urge more investigations if he's on these preventers as they do contain steroids. Fwiw he may e fine wit sport. If he does have a dog allergy then the trigger will be dog hair so I wouldn't say this rules it out. You need to get proper allergy testing - a blood test or skin prick testing is the way forward.

Agreed - the reliever I am not surprised at, as it is a "better safe than sorry" approach (and actually not a bad idea - I suffered for 18months before diagnosis, and could easily have ended up in hospital, because I was never actually wheezing when the GP saw me and my DM thinks all drugs are the work of the devil) - but the brown inhaler is steroid based, and without a proper diagnosis and identified triggers, that does shock me for such a young child.

I have a pet allergy and get exactly what you are describing. I can't breathe, get a horribly runny nose, I can't get enough oxygen into my lungs to do anything that involves any energy (it feels like your chest has swollen, so nothing can go down the "air tubes". I cannot think of the name, that is so embarrassing!!) and get really sleepy. Once out of the clothing with animal hair on and into the fresh air (usually after a nap as I get so tired I can't keep my eyes open) I'm fine again. I think it's a dust and/or animal allergy, and he needs testing. We only found out about mine after I went into anaphylactic shock at a friends' house, which was horribly scary for her parents. Maybe the mum is worried that she is being judged, and feels like she is failing him, and so doesn't want to test him? Sounds weird I know, but I can kind of see the logic.

I have allergy related asthma too.
From what you describe it could be

• the dog
• dust as you said house isn't clean
• mould (old house)

Well, the way that the diagnosis went was that his mum took him to the doctor and said that she thought he had asthma and mentioned that she has it too. They said that they couldn't diagnose it at that time as he was too young but gave her a blue inhaler for if he got breathless at any point. She then kept taking him back and in the end the asthma nurse said that she could give him a peak flow meter and chart and we had to do that for a couple of months. All this time we had to give him 2 puffs of the blue inhaler every morning and 2 every night - I wasn't sure if the nurse had prescribed this or the mum. Looking at the chart, there were also some days where he had an extra 2 puffs if the mum thought he needed it.

I had slight asthma as a child and was under the impression that the blue inhaler was for if you had an attack and a brown one is what you take every day. Anyway... after the 2 months of charting was up, the mum took DSS back for a follow-up where the nurse questioned the peaks and troughs which coincided with where he was staying but the mum managed to talk her way out of any more tests and the nurse (apparently very grudgingly) gave him a diagnosis of asthma with a brown inhaler to take every day and a blue one for attacks. This is where we are now... at ours he takes the brown one as prescribed and we have never been in a situation where we have ever needed to even consider using the blue inhaler, yet at home he'll have it quite regularly, after getting home from school, in the middle of the night, etc.

Another interesting point is that he's never had to take it at school. He fully participates in all PE lessons so there's obviously nothing at school either which is triggering this...if it exists!! Aaaaargh!

thederkinsdame - we never have him for more than 4 days at a time which makes it difficult to get enough evidence to prove things either way, otherwise I'd suggest that to OH.