to wonder whether I should give up work?

[emmyloo2]

Just by way of background, both my DH and I work full time in stressful jobs. We have a 16 month old DS. My hours are quite good (9am until 5.30pm) although I work after dinner most nights remotely from home and sometimes on the weekends. I have been back at work a year, so I went back to work full time when my DS was very young. It's only lately that I am starting to fee quite run-down and wondering whether life is meant to be like this, or whether it is worth weathering the storm of the first few years and hoping it gets easier.

I love my job. I am very ambitious and I always knew I would return to work as my job fulfils me and challenges me. For the first time in my career (which is now going on 11 years) I am finally starting to make some traction and am in a senior position, making v. good money and really enjoying my work. However.....I find the weekly grind very demanding and while I can survive like this for a few years, I don't see this as s sustainable option. For the past few weeks I have been fantasizing about quitting work and being a SAHM. I know I would go nuts after a few weeks but it would make our lives much less stressful.

I should also qualify all of this by saying I am very very fortunate in the support we receive. I have a DH who does absolutely 50% of the childcare, housework, general household running, a mother who looks after my son 2 full days a week at a minimum (she also comes over on a Saturday and Sunday to see him and help), a MIL who looks after DS 2 full days and a lovely nanny who does the other day. So I know there are people who do it much much harder than me. But sometimes I do think it's not fair that I never seem to have any time to myself and if I didn't work, then I know my Mum would still help out and I could use that time to relax, have some time to myself.

So I know I really do have it "easy" compared to many people, but I guess I am just looking for some guidance on whether I am being foolish considering quitting my job which I love and which if I leave, I will not really be able to walk back into a similar position with a level of seniority which allows me the flexibility that I have now.

Sorry this is waffly...I guess I am just looking for a sounding board...

Yes you're being daft, you get a LOT of help, and soon he'll be in nursery anyway and you might regret putting your career on hold after getting such a good position, don't you get time for yourself when your son is in bed?

Thanks Puppet. I know I am being daft. I really do appreciate the help I get, trust me. I don't take it for granted. I really was looking for the exact response you gave me. Just some reassurance to perservere because I know it will be for the better in the long run.

We won't go to kindegarten until he is 4, so a few years before that but we may put him into day care next year for 2 days a week.

I don't get much time to myself at night because by the time he goes to be (around 7 - 7.15pm) we then do any chores that need doing, throw something together for dinner, eat together, I do about another 45-60 minutes of work (or Mmsnetting!). I then go to bed at 9pm because I get up at 5.15am to go for a run. So yes, I do have time to myself, so I am just being a moaner! I do know that!!! Sometimes just the thought of not having to go to work and being able to go to playgroup or to the park and have coffee is quite appealing....

I appreciate your honesty!

Could you afford to hire a cleaner to do the chores so it's at least one thing of the list for when you get home?

The general consensus at the moment on MN is, predictably in the middle of a recession, don't lose your foothold in your career otherwise you'll never work again, only you know if that's true for you in particular, in that particular line of work, or whether the option to take the foot off the gas for a year or two might be there (I did and it didn't make any difference to me, my husband did and he found it hard to get back into his preferred work, but he did it after a year or so of trying).

It also depends if you want more children. Sure, you are just about coping with one, although feeling tired and exhausted, but I guess if you don't want more, it's worth keeping going now as nursery is only a year away if that, however, if you do want more, the scenario might look different for the next couple of years. I was able to step back for about two years when mine were little, when my second was born I went back to work but I found it very difficult and did feel like I was missing out.

I also wonder if you are trying to be a bit of a superwoman, with the getting up at 5.15 for a run. If it suits you and energizes you, great, but if you are knackered, getting every bug going and feeling generally frazzled, perhaps setting some lower life goals for a short while might make you feel better.

And the advice to get more help in the form of a cleaner/shop online, all that stuff is a good idea, so that you really can spend all your free time with your lo and not cleaning the loo.

Mumsyblouse, thanks for your response. I already do the online shopping and yes that is a great time saver. I do want a second child as well and was planning to take maternity leave for that one. My DH also will have long service service of several months so he would used that as well. So overall we could probably get 12 months of one of us not working which would make things easier.

The problem I have is if I step away from this job, in my profession (I am a lawyer), the type of job I have is quite hard to come by and are very sought after, mainly because it is not with a law firm where the hours are brutal. In my job, I have good control over my hours, the ability to work from home if need be, even at the last minute, and while it is stressful and demanding, I am senior enough to call the shots on my hours. I.e. I refuse to have meetings before 9am so it gives me more breathing space in the morning.

So I am loathe to give it up, but on the other hand, is life meant to be this stressful and hectic? I am guessing the answer is probably yes....if you have young children!

and yes I am definitely guilty of the superwoman thing, although I fall well short of being any sort of superwoman, trust me. My DH and I survive on lean cuisines and barbeques and I hardly ever go out at night because I can't be bothered, so I certainly am no superwoman! I just like running and it's my time to switch off and listen to music.

I think maybe stepping back after number 2 might be an option.....good advice, thanks!

Is there any chance that both of you could slow a little bit rather than one of you slowing a lot?

Could you possibly work 4 days a week and he the same but different days 'off' if that makes sense? What about possibly working from home on one of the days (maybe the one with the nanny so you can still work but can spend time with DS during breaks/possibly take your lunch hour during a playgroup time?).

I wouldn't given the current situation give up work, not if your profession is fast paced and will move on without you.

Considering how driven you are career wise, I wouldn't. Instead ask for a 4 day week. That way you will have a rest day to yourself with a little one to one with you toddler.

If you had come on here saying that you really felt you were deeply missing being with toddler and wanted to desperatly to take on a typical stay at home mother role - then my answer would have been yes.

It sounds like you need a rest. If you can't do a 4 day week - can you arrange to have three hours to yourself each weekend? You sound like you have a lot of support - so could manage this.

Well done you for running by the way - it's good you have a little time to yourself even though it's at some crazy hour!

I would definitely advise you not to be a SAHM unless you really want to. To go from a successful career that you enjoy to endless days a home with a toddler could kill you!

I really enjoy being a SAHM to my DS (15 months) most of the time, but some days it is relentless and utterly shit. Every so often I long to be able to walk out of the house to a nice quiet office where I can actually feel like I'm achieving something and where I can take a nice coffee break in peace once in a while. A civilised lunch with adults also sounds like bliss. I love going to playgroups, but remember in between those fun times you have to do all the feeding, nappy changing, tantrum wrangling, and general keeping-toddler-from-killing-himself/having a meltdown/drawing on the walls.

In your shoes I wouldn't stop work.

If you are seriously considering it, assess the long-term risks, eg drop in earnings, impact on career, pension etc.

Agree that getting up at 5.15am is silly in the circumstances.

You have a LOT of help, which is great. I would also get a cleaner.

Would also look at part-time / flexible work options for both of you. If no-one ever challenges organisations in these family-unfriendly fields, nothing will change.

Being at home with 2DC (baby / toddler or preschooler) is v different to one ime. And if you became a SAHM presume the level of help from family would reduce.

It would be odd to quit now if you're planning a second DC, get the maternity pay and some time away from work and think about it then.

I would try to take a full year maternity next time if money allowed. Are you the higher earner? If so, even more reason not to stop work without careful thought.

I would continue with the early running actually as I bet it gives you energy and a release that you wouldn't otherwise achieve.

Yes you could wait for a second pregnancy and then take a whole year off/ go part time.

You go running every day on your own yet you think you get no time to yourself ?

I don't want to start a competition here but dh and I also work full time and I LOVE the gym but only get to go once every couple of weeks if I am lucky!

I think it sounds like you are just having a miserable moment. I wonder if it's because you have so much 'free' childcare that it makes you feel like you are missing out more (ie they get time with him and you don't). I don't know.

Stick it out. It really won't take long before he's in kindergarten. You won't regret it. Have you got some sort of financial plan? Ie what you will do with the money that you are earning while working? I find this really helps (like I have a plan as to how long it will take to pay off the car, house etc)

Thanks everyone. I have the option to work from 1 day a week at home, as I negotiated this before I started this job. I just find that I don't get as much work done from home and I almost end up doing two jobs. Don't get me wrong, I realise there are many ways working is easier - I do get peace and quiet (apart from when people barge into my office) to do my work, have a cup of tea, go and get some lunch etc. It's just my job is quite stressful and I feel like I am on a wheel.

I am "meant" to take time to myself on the weekends but I find it difficult to do because I like to spend time with my son.

My DH would struggle I think to get more flexible working conditions, although he would be open to it if I suggested. We both earn roughly the same.

I think it's also the fear of the second child that concerns me as well and how we will cope with that....I am not planning on even trying to get pregnant for another 10-12 months and yes, I will take 9-12 months off this time. I get 18 weeks full pay maternity leave and I will take the rest off as unpaid leave.

I really do realise I have a lot of help so I shouldn't be complaining but sometimes it's nice to have a whinge.

I wouldn't give up. From what you describe, you have an amazing level of support which most of us can only dream of. Plus only one child. Your work hours are very reasonable (though I accept you do work in the evenings from home).

I think if you did give up, you might have an initial burst of 'wow, I've got all this time' but the shine would quickly wear off and you'd find yourself without your career.

You seem to have a good balance in terms of getting physical exercise, work and home time. I would say this is probably a temporary blip, and once your ds is in nursery/ school you'll be hugely glad you stuck it out

It sounds like we're living pretty much the same life (I'm an actuary though not a lawyer) right down to getting up at the crack of dawn to run (although the last month or so I've been so busy at work I've got up at 4:30 to do a couple of hours work before the kids wake up).

If you're anything like me it's not that you actually want to give up. I just find myself sometimes wishing that I could just stop for a day and breathe. Would love a lie in (haven't had one since first was born three years ago as I always get up with the kids as I see less of them during the week as my husband is at home with them two days). Anyway not sure I have an answer, I know if I think about it too much it can all get very overwhelming, so to be honest I try not to!

I think when you have preschoolers it's quite easy to get into the trap of thinking that's how it will be forever. We spent last weekend with my SIL and family. Her two are older and it was clear that things will get easier, it's not the same kind of relentlessness.

Anyway now I am waffling- just to say I sympathise.

My gut reaction is not to quiteyour job as youre ambitios and actually enjoy it.

Haven't read all the replies but would it take pressure off to hire in help like a cleaner and send out your ironing. This may sound daft but get a huge 6 lit slow cooker and cook large batches of meals that you can freeze and then re heat when you need them rather than cooking from scratch every night. Stuff like that? Could you work from home a day a week so that you take the commute out of the equation a day a week and can slip a load of washing in here and the while working?

From everything you've said I think you would regret it if you gave up work. IME the treadmill does get easier as they get older (mine are nearly 5) and you get the chance at the weekend to take a deep breath.

I'd work on trying to get the day at home to work for you, I think it could make all the difference. Although, I'm guessing you have people at home if your family are heavily involved in childcare? I think it could give you the break from the grind you need. That is said from the perspective that I find I get much more done at home though!

Oh thanks guys I feel much better reading the responses! It's good to know that others feel like this. Deep down, I know I should stick with it and ride it through. I love my job, really love it. I just want the world to stop for a couple of days so I can catch up, catch my breath, watch some tv, see a movie. I must sound quite spoilt given I really do have it easy compared to a lot of people, but I really do work very hard and both my husband and I are very grateful to our parents for the assistance we get. We don't live extravagent lifestyles but my income, which is equal to his, helps us pay our mortgage, pay the nanny, and hopefully get ahead so we can pay for our son's schooling etc. So I do see the long term financial reward of maintaining my career. I also know if I give this job up, the chances of finding something similar in a couple of years time is very very slim. If you step out, you don't step back in that easily.

I think for number 2 I just need to take more maternity leave. I only took 3.5 months with number 1, plus moved back home from overseas and started a new job. So quite a lot of change all at once!

and yes foxinsocks, I really do get time to myself with my running, I know!! I am very grateful (although the 5am starts are tough!)!!!! I am glad to know my DH and I are not the only ones both working FT. None of his friends have wives that work FT and sometimes I guess I feel like they look at us with pity....

I agree with everyone else - don't quit your job! You love it, you're ambitious, you make good money AND you get to work from home ONE DAY A WEEK! Most working parents would kill for that - take that day and make it work for you. And bloody well done for negotiating that when you took the job.
I think if you take 6-12 months maternity leave next time you will feel the balance more.

I think you are right about taking more maternity leave for the next baby, that should help you feel like you have had time for a breather. Can you book a holiday so that you have something to look forward to - something that you will find relaxing / pampering rather than stimulating?

I work from home (self employed) and you have to be quite ficussed but perhaps try to make that work. On that day you could go for your run at lunch, stick a load of washing in, not do your hair and make up. I think it would probably help you feel on less if a treadmill.

I agree stick with it
You are so lucky tohave a job you love
Don't ditch it
Could you run in your lunch hour?

Emmyloo, as your son goes to be around 7pmish, why not allocate either fri, sat or sun night as 'your time'? No chores to be done then AT ALL. Have a long bubblebath with a glass of wine and a book; pop round to a friends for a chatter; if a Fri night, take advantage of later shopping hours and pop out for some retail therapy.

That way, you get the daytime with your son, and a few hours guilt free as he's asleep anyway.

Maybe try to take a day or two off every quarter but still send DS to either granny or nanny at least for a bit of that day.

Sometimes you just need to be alone for a bit.