to wonder whether I should give up work?

[emmyloo2]

Just by way of background, both my DH and I work full time in stressful jobs. We have a 16 month old DS. My hours are quite good (9am until 5.30pm) although I work after dinner most nights remotely from home and sometimes on the weekends. I have been back at work a year, so I went back to work full time when my DS was very young. It's only lately that I am starting to fee quite run-down and wondering whether life is meant to be like this, or whether it is worth weathering the storm of the first few years and hoping it gets easier.

I love my job. I am very ambitious and I always knew I would return to work as my job fulfils me and challenges me. For the first time in my career (which is now going on 11 years) I am finally starting to make some traction and am in a senior position, making v. good money and really enjoying my work. However.....I find the weekly grind very demanding and while I can survive like this for a few years, I don't see this as s sustainable option. For the past few weeks I have been fantasizing about quitting work and being a SAHM. I know I would go nuts after a few weeks but it would make our lives much less stressful.

I should also qualify all of this by saying I am very very fortunate in the support we receive. I have a DH who does absolutely 50% of the childcare, housework, general household running, a mother who looks after my son 2 full days a week at a minimum (she also comes over on a Saturday and Sunday to see him and help), a MIL who looks after DS 2 full days and a lovely nanny who does the other day. So I know there are people who do it much much harder than me. But sometimes I do think it's not fair that I never seem to have any time to myself and if I didn't work, then I know my Mum would still help out and I could use that time to relax, have some time to myself.

So I know I really do have it "easy" compared to many people, but I guess I am just looking for some guidance on whether I am being foolish considering quitting my job which I love and which if I leave, I will not really be able to walk back into a similar position with a level of seniority which allows me the flexibility that I have now.

Sorry this is waffly...I guess I am just looking for a sounding board...

Another one here who thinks to keep at it and there have been some great suggestions here. You love your job so I would most definitely not advise giving it up and you DO get a lot of help (but you know that!) so I would wonder if perhaps you are one of these people who feels guilty when you are not doing something? When your son goes to bed tonight, sit down and have a glass of wine or read a book, have a bath etc. There are always a ton of things to be done at home and that will never change but give yourself a break sometimes, you work hard for it.

If you are both out of the house all day every day, how can there possibly be so much housework to do anyway?

You dont "need" to go running at 5.15 every morning either ... stay up later and spend time with your husband, and stay in bed a bit longer.

Keep up the running - it gives you headspace and keeps you fit. Deff take a longer maternity next time. Agree with trying to work one day from home. What about a short holiday? Or along weekend away just to recharge? Try to gave one or two nights when you don't work in the evenings. See about a four day week; this is what I do and I really think it makes all the difference!

Yes, agree that you'd be mad to resign.

I'd suggest you put in some measures that will see you through the next year and then hopefully you'll be looking towards another lot of mat leave after that so:

Yes to the cleaner if you can afford it. I can honestly say that if I could do this it would change my life!

Can you get some weekends booked away for the coming months, especially as you have such supportive family around?

Why not use some annual leave to have a day off at home to stop and breathe? DH and I occasionally take days off for no real reason like this and it's like a day out of normal life and it's lovely!

Hmmm I see what everyone is saying but I am in a similar position work wise but in investment banking (but not quite as good hours). I even managed to negotiate a 4 day week but have turned it down and handed in my notice.

I loved my job and worry about how and when I will step back on the career ladder, also things will be a bit tighter without my income and moving to a bigger house is on hold.

So why have I done it? Because we can afford for me to and I would regret it if I didn't. I am just leaving the worrying about my career till another day and enjoying this very precious time I have been gifted. I also have taken a year out previously to travel where everyone said it was the worst career move I could have made and it turned out to be one of the best.

However if someone offered me 3 days a week, I would jump at the chance.

Don't whatever you do give up your job. I did exactly what you are proposing, and am now stuck in a position where I am 100% financially dependent on DH, and can only get really cr*p low paid work as my CV has a big break in it. I used to have a very good well paid career. I am very very angry with myself about this, and would be totally shafted if my DH and I broke up (which is not beyond the realms of possibility)

Keep your independence. Please.

You don't need to feel guilty about not spending every second of every weekend with your child, nor taking time for yourself in the evenings. Without that I would go completely bonkers! I do chores til 8-8.30 and then sit down and do NOTHING after that, apart from watch telly or call a friend or watch a movie with my husband. I don't care if the dishes are calling, if the house could do with hoovering (I second all those shouting get a cleaner).

On the weekend, me and my husband usually have one 'slot' of a couple of hours each where we can have a nap/potter by ourselves/have a lie-in or watch American Idol repeats . the other parent takes the children out or just keeps an eye whilst they play.

It does all get easier as your children get older and play more by themselves, plus if you keep going, you will get promoted and earn more money to make life easier:)

I would not say that to someone who didn't love their job, I don't think working is a moral obligation. But you sound like you love it and the fast pace and I can't see you wanting to stay home for a decade or so, in which case stepping back now may have longer-term repercussions. And, use that maternity/paternity leave, you are owed it!

I felt very like you when my DC were young (and I "only" work part time). My DC are now at school and I feel very glad that I stayed working - whilst I'm still busy and spend my days constantly trying to catch up, I don't feel that exhausted to the core feeling that you get with very young children. The DC will amuse themselves for a good while and don't need such constant input as they do when they are toddlers. Talking to them is more rewarding - you can get "proper" conversation. And you can genuinely do activities together that are interesting for you all - e.g. we go on regular family cycle rides.

In your shoes I'd definitely stick with your job and remind yourself that things do get better/easier.

I think your life sounds lovely and as a family you appear to have a great balance.

I however am a great believer in throwing money at problems - you say you're earning well, so fgs pay someone else to do the cleaning.

Please don't give up your running - good for body and soul!

With someone else doing the cleaning you don't have to worry about that at the weekends so can enjoy more activities with your child.

We all feel run down and fucked off from time to time, I heard Kate middleton turned to her lady-in-waiting this morning to say she'd rather spend the day in her pajamas eating mini-rolls and playing world of warcraft.

Hi Emmy, yes I too know v v v v few couples who both work full time. I imagine if I did know any, we'd not see a lot of each other anyway . Good luck to you and well done for sticking it out so far!

(we got a cleaning company to come in once a week last year for the first time -is marvellous - but we have all become a lot lazier and now even just doing the washing/putting clothes away/changing sheets feels like a massive chore!)

All good suggestions, thank you. I particularly like the idea of the bath and book on a Friday/Saturday night. That is a great idea.

We do have a good balance between my DH and I - that is for sure, but we both do sometimes wish we had time to take a breath. We now make sure we sit at the table and eat dinner together every night instead of in front of the tv because otherwise we would hardly get to spend anytime together.

I have received the feedback I was hoping to get which is stick with it during these tough years and it will be worth it in the end. I love my son dearly but I am very much looking forward to him (and his sibling if/when we have another child) getting to 5 years+ because I think I will be much more adept at mothering children of this age. I also hope (fingers crossed) it will be slightly less exhausting.

Thanks foxinsocks for saying well done! Well done to you too! Sometimes I think mothers (and fathers) don't give themselves enough pats on the pack. This parenting thing is bloody hard work, whether you work outside the home or inside the home. God knows how single parents do it. Now they really are superheros. I take my hat off to them!

www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b01dhhpl

Interesting discussion about this on Woman's Hour yesterday...

It sounds like you're doing really well balancing work and home, no mean feat. But, have you considered your diet might be making you run down? If you really are living on lean cuisine meals and running every day I bet you're not getting enough calories or nutrients.

Do you have the sort of job where a sabbatical or career break might be an option?

5 years ago I had just returned to work as a lawyer after having taken maternity leave with my second DC. I lasted about 9mths and couldn't take the constant juggling even though I worked 4 days, one from home had help with childcare and an amazing DH.

On paper I had it all, but the reality was that every aspect of my life felt half done and I was knackered. I was able to take a career break which was amazing because

1. I didn't feel like I had totally abandoned my career;
2. it provided security of knowing I could go backs and
3. although I didnt return to the same organisation the fact that I had done at least some ad hoc work over the years of my break meant I was a more attractive proposition when I started to look for work elsewhere.

I am now back at work and I love it. I love that I had almost 5 years at home but I love that I am now working in a job that interests me and that I can be ambitious about and that will afford me huge opportunities.

That being said it was not easy to secure this job. At all. There were times when my inability to get a job (we moved so couldn't return to career break job) depressed the hell out of me and if I'm really honest I probably scored a lucky break.

I'm not really sure what I am trying to say. I think you really need to look at what you want and how work benefits you now . I honestly believe there will always be future opportunities, although entirely accept they might not be as good as the ones open to you in the here and now. It is not Always helpful, IMO, to be told that you are lucky compared to many. That means nothing if its not working for you.

If I was being frank my advice would be have another baby now, take the maternity leave and use it as an opportunity for a trial run in the altnative SAHM path.

Definitely don't give up your job. It sounds as though you'd regret it bitterly.

Also, despite the fact that you have more help than others, don't feel apologetic about it or think that you should be finding it easier than most. Every family is unique and you're in a very demanding career that requires a lot of hours. The first years are hard for anyone with a job, let alone one like yours. If you are regularly putting in 50-hour weeks, you are going to find yourself stretched very very thin even with a wonderful DH and supportive MIL. You might feel like you're on the treadmill right now, but you are actually amazing!

My job isn't as demanding as yours but still involved deadlines and periods of working til 3am, etc. Those first few years - while special in their own way and 'character building' - were bloody hard. Life is much, much more pleasant now my DC are older and less dependent. Once they reach the stage where they can use the toilet by themselves and play independently, it's like another world, honestly. Hang on in there.

In the meantime, you've been given some great ideas for coping mechanisms. If you do try for a 4-day week, that means dropping a day of work - not doing that fifth day at home, which completely misses the point (and is actually harder, believe me). If that's not an option, get in as much professional help as you can. If budget will allow, set yourself up so that you don't have to do much at all around the house. You can sub-contract out most things quite reasonably, such as ironing, cleaning, and even cooking (getting a cook to come in and batch cook once a week for a few hours for example, so all you have to do is microwave but you're still having healthy, home-cooked meals).

Good luck.