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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I don't care if I am I just need to vent!

32 replies

viagrafalls · 18/03/2012 19:47

FIL (Me and DP aren't married bit for easiness we'll call him FIL) persistently argues with me about having my photo taken.
It sounds petty but as a child/teenager/adult i have always had 'issues' and eating disorders and generally hate the way i look so avoid photographs like the plague. its not for attention, I genuinely dislike the way I look and yes, i do regret not being able to just pose for a picture. DD is 6 months and i only have about 5 pictures of us together. FIL (80) is a former film and TV director and refuses to believe that I don't like posing for photos and argues with me every time i see him about it. Eg, "For someone who doesn't like having their picture taken you take a lot of pictures"
"You must like it"
"Why are you being so aggressive about not having your picture taken/"
"I'm just trying to capture this intimate moment between you both" the moment you point that fucking camera in my fucking face it ceases to be an intimate moment for me
I know he doesn't know about my past but what pisses me off is the way he believes it is his RIGHT to take my photo and the fact he cannot believe that I don't like it and will argue about it when its my choice!
I have spent an average of ten minutes each time he comes over trying to defend myself about it and it really pisses me off.

OP posts:

PurplePidjin · 18/03/2012 19:56

Every time he points a lens at you, put your hand in the way. Don't say a word, just block your face so he can't take the photo.

It is not his god given right to try and bully you into doing something you're uncomfortable with.

nobutyeahbut · 18/03/2012 20:00

I too hate having my picture taken (although i have not had the same issues in my past as you)

Why do people always think you are fishing for compliments when you don't want your photo taken....but you look so lovely, come on just smile.

But i hate it!

OriginalJamie · 18/03/2012 20:04

He is being egocentric. His interest in photography is overriding your wishes. I know some keen photgophers who are like this. I too hate my photograph being taken, and especially being put on Facebook without my consent

OriginalJamie · 18/03/2012 20:05

Photgophers? I like that

HalfPastWine · 18/03/2012 20:06

I detest photographs too and go all out to avoid them on occasion. I have friends that court the camera but personally I can think of nothing worse. He should respect your wishes the ignorant sod!

OriginalJamie · 18/03/2012 20:11

Is he arrogant about other things or is this a particular blind spot of his?

Original poster

viagrafalls · 18/03/2012 20:26

AH! So nice to come back and see that I am not being told to grow up and stop being selfish!
He is 80 and my DP tells me to 'let it go' and 'be the big man' which I HATE. i just want him to put his arm around me and tell his elderly father to fuck off but he says his Dad is old and agrees he is cantankerous and rude but that I, as the nicer person should back away.
purple I tired that and that is what got me the 'aggressive' response that I mentioned in my OP.
He is pretty okay in most respects, I think he is quite arrogant but the main thing is his age and the fact that he cannot understand anyone not wanting to be in one of his amazing a photograph. It genuinely upsets me, I cried this evening while giving DD a bath after a comment he made on Skype this evening. Its like arguing with someone who says they don't like the colour red. HOW can you argue with a personal opinion?????? It's my face and I DON"T FUCKING LIKE IT IN PHOTOS

OP posts:

Chulita · 18/03/2012 20:33

I'm totally, totally with you on this and could have written the op myself. Fil tries to catch me unawares by calling me and when I look he takes a photo or he'll hide his camera under his arm and try that way. I don't want me in his photos and that's that. I've told him and told him which is why he tries it on the sly but I think it's rude. He's got quite a few photos of the back of my head, (more than I'd like tbh) but he'll never listen.

highlandcoo · 18/03/2012 20:35

It doesn't sound petty and I really sympathise. There was a time when I felt (though not so strongly) like you, although I didn't actually refuse to be photographed. I ended up with loads of family photos where I looked extremely awkward and embarrassed. I practised in front of the mirror - I know this might sound a bit daft - and eventually learned to switch on a smile which although it felt fake looked much better. I do look exactly the same in every single photo now however ...

I agree that your FIL should not be going on at you like this. Is he a nice man otherwise? Have you tried having a serious talk with him on his own, only sharing as much as you feel comfortable with as far as your reasons, but appealing to him to take how you feel seriously. Is there any chance that trusting him with a little more of how you feel would make him more sympathetic and understanding? If he won't listen to reason from you, I'd say your DP will need to put him in his place as this badgering of you will have to stop.

As a separate issue, and your FIL is most likely not the best person to be involved, but it would be lovely for your DD if you could overcome this. Would you think about taking some photos of her with you, setting up the camera on a time delay, and deleting all the photos you didn't like .. would you feel up to trying this on your own? Maybe not now, but some time. Really sorry if that's an unacceptable idea; just that to your DD you will be her lovely mum and nothing changes that :)

OriginalJamie · 18/03/2012 20:37

The trouble is, something like this can develop into almost a phobia. If you wanted to get over it, then being pressurised, and the control taken away from you like this, is going to be least effective way of tackling it.

highlandcoo · 18/03/2012 20:38

Sorry, just seen your last post and that DP is not being all that supportive - sorry :( Yes, FIL is old but that doesn't preclude being a nice person

OriginalJamie · 18/03/2012 20:38

Sorry, pressed post too early. The approach you suggest is exactly right for tackling phobias highlandcoo

FilterCoffee · 18/03/2012 20:40

YANBU. If he asks you the "aggressive" question just ask it back to him "Why are you so aggressive in trying to take my photo when I've asked you not to?"

fuzzpig · 18/03/2012 20:40

No you are not being U or petty AT ALL.

People don't realise that issues like this can be so consuming, and that you can't just 'get over it'.

Your DP is the one who needs to man the fuck up IMO, and tell his dad to stop it.

PandaNot · 18/03/2012 20:41

I also hate having my photo taken but recently have made a conscious effort to have more photos taken especially with the children. A friend commented that if anything ever happened to me they would have no photos of me, just made me think.

PurplePidjin · 18/03/2012 20:41

Aggressive would be ripping the camera from his hands and smashing it under your heel.

Your DP needs to stick up for you on this. Your FIL is making you uncomfortable and unwelcome. Every time he does it, leave. Tell him straight out that you feel unwelcome due to his behaviour and will visit another day when he can respect your wishes.

Original poster

viagrafalls · 18/03/2012 20:44

High your post made me a little sad, yes I know I am in danger of passing on my feelings to my daughter - I actually have a few of us together on my laptop camera, its literally the feeling that FIL gives me and makes me feel so bad about myself, makes me feel so angry about it because I can't help the way i feel, I just hate it - I hate the way he makes me feel about myself - it reminds me of all my insecurities. I'm wondering if explaining my issues might work but to be honest - why should I have to go into my deepest insecurities with him? I find it hard to even talk to my lovely DP (and despite him not wanting to defend me with a sword he is lovely) about it all? It is private and my right not to have a camera shoved in my face pointed at me.

OP posts:

LydiaWickham · 18/03/2012 20:45

How about next time saying calmly "you know I don't like having my photo taken, I've told you every time, why is it you consider having a photo of me is more important than me being happy in your company? It's starting to make me dread seeing you, and I'm sure you don't want that." If he still persists after that say "OK, it's making me miserable but if the photo of me pretending to be happy is more important to you than knowing I am happy, go ahead."

You've tried being subtle, time to spell it out.

OriginalJamie · 18/03/2012 20:47

Lydia that's a great response.

OriginalJamie · 18/03/2012 20:49

Op I wonder if you can take control of the situation with your fil, then you'll have taken back some of the control and maybe, in time, you can tackle the anxiety too

ScruffyTerrier · 18/03/2012 20:50

YANBU. My Mum is an amateur photographer and loves to try and take my picture. I hate it but let her do it because I know that it might be important for my children to have some pictures of me one day. She knows to not send me the pics with me in them. I had similar adolescent body-image issues to you, OP. It has become a phobia and I'm working on it .

whatsallthefuss · 18/03/2012 20:56

well, i kind of agree and disagree.

i used to be like you and hated having my photo taken. DH would shout me and i'd turn and he'd get me in the middle of saying 'What?' so i always looked gormless.

then i had DD and my attitude changed. I want her to have nice photos of me for when i'm not here, so now i smile and pose. its exactly the same pose in all of them. i'm not a model, that face is mine, but she loved it and thats enough.

FilterCoffee · 18/03/2012 21:00

I'd suggest reading a book on assertiveness too.

PurplePidjin · 18/03/2012 21:00

Would I be right in thinking it's your fil's attitude that's the problem, more than the actual photograph?

Original poster

viagrafalls · 18/03/2012 21:00

TBH I am not as bad as i used to be about it with regards to having my photo take it is just the way I have to argue with him every fucking time about it. I have posed for photos for him, I have smiled for photos for him but I don't like it and i don't like being told that I'm making it up or that I'm being unreasonable about it all. As I have got older of course i have become more confident about it only slightly but why should I be made to feel so bad about it?

OP posts:

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