Are my friends BU to book their wedding one week before their best friends?

[firebreather]

We are friends with Couple A and Couple B, who are also best friends with each other. Groom B is going to be best man at A's wedding, and maybe vice versa (although I'm not totally sure).

Couple A got engaged 3 or 4 months ago and booked their wedding for September 2013. Couple B got engaged a couple of weeks ago. They were also looking to get married in September or October 2013. They looked around a few venues and found one they really liked, but the only date that was available in their time frame was the week before Couple A's wedding. Couple A are upset about it, presumably because they think Couple B are upstaging them. We are all in the same circle of friends, so quite a few of the guests will be going to both weddings.

I'm sure Couple B could have chosen a different date (ie. not in their Sept/Oct time frame), but it's not what they would prefer. I'm not sure of all the reasons they picked this particular time frame, but I suspect it's a combination of having enough time to save up money, not wanting to pay middle-of-the summer wedding prices, and not wanting to get married in winter. Possibly it could also be to do with where they want to go on honeymoon and picking the right season for that. Either way, I'm not sure if the reasons are particularly important.

Things have turned a bit sour, which is a real shame and has put us and some other friends in the middle of everything. So, who do you think is being unreasonable? I can understand where they are both coming from, but am feeling that Couple A are being a bit unreasonable.

Oh dear, perhaps I'm speculating too much on all the reasons. All I know is:

-A got engaged and booked wedding first
-B then got engaged and booked wedding for the prior week
-B could choose a different date in a different time frame, but it's not when they would ideally like (for whatever reason)
-B intend on waiting for honeymoon so they can attend A's wedding
-A are angry at B
-from when both couples have talked to me, neither have said the argument is about friends having to do two back-to-back weddings, and none of us in the circle of friends are worried about that either

Remember it's not just all about friends and mutual friends, there will be family involved and maybe the couple have taken family into account which has led to the choice of date.
I'd certainly be wearing the same outfit twice and have a laugh about that

Oh, also we had our wedding a week after our friends'. And that was a week after another friend's.

DD is 2.9 and has been invited to 19 weddings, attended 12. There isn't enough time to spread them all out.

ChaoticAngel Well, weddings are always expensive, but we know when it's going to be well in advance so all of us mutual friends can budget for it. To be honest, even if they aren't a week apart, they are at least going to be within a few months of each other.

Hmm....well in that case it may just be that you've got a couple of weddingcouplezillas on your hands

This is reminding me of another thread on here recently that involved someone being cross because her brother and future SIL were getting married on the OP's first wedding anniversary, which was going to make that date 'less special', apparently.

And someone else on the thread said that when her now-husband proposed to her, he had previously been supplied by her mother with a list of 'family dates', so that he could propose on a day that didn't clash with any of them, thereby stealing someone else's thunder!

well, we had one summer where we went to 6 weddings in an 8 week time period, it was rather one after another (and 2 involved overseas weddings, but one was where that couple now lived and the other was to the bride's home town so not really 'destination weddings') - it didn't make them any less special. They all had their own 'flavour' and didn't blend into each other.

As it was, another good friend of DH's got married 2 weeks after us, I was slightly nervous as I know they are rather rich and worried our wedding would look a bit 'bargin basement' in comparassion to theirs. (and was v glad it was us first rather than them setting the bar high) as it was, their wedding, while obviously far more lavish, was far more formal and I'm glad we had a more relaxed feeling and everyone danced and got drunk at ours, compared to their more sedate-but-glamorous do.

As others have said, the big issues was that the costs for guests - but as long as both couples get their invites out early it shouldn't be an issue any more than if there was a month in between them. As for Hen do costs, it's not like they have to be close together either (mine was 3 months before my wedding), so it doesnt need to be all in one hit, if they plan it.

Going to one wedding does not make another wedding "less special".

Couple B are NBU to book their wedding whenever they like.

Couple A are BU to be bothered about it.

Maybe the annoyed couple were planning to have their hen /stag night/weekend that weekend. They can't really do it before the other couples' wedding. Also maybe people will be talking about the other couples' wedding and congratulating the other newly weds at their wedding etc. I can see that the other couple are stealing their thunder a bit.

I have the same situation of consecutive weddings of two sets of mutual friends coming up. However couple A live in Australia and can only afford to come back for their own wedding, not couple bs. If couple B don't get married the week after then groom A cant be best man in return at groom bs wedding ( following so far!). They also have another set of close mutal friends who also live in Australia and can only afford one set of airfares. I don't think the thought of being 'upstaged' has crossed either couples minds, they are just looking forward to spending some time with friends, plus starting their marriages. The rest of us friends haven't moaned once, we are just looking forward to two very lovely, but quite different weddings.

I think your friends need to get over themselves a bit, enjoy their weddings and be happy for one another.

People complaining about the cost for guests have clearly missed that they have 18 months to save up...

I understand how couple A feel because this is happened to my sister.. She got engaged a month before her best friend and her best friend set her date shortly before my sisters. My sister did feel that her friend had stolen her thunder and and I am convinced that it was deliberate too The second wedding is always going to feel bit 'been.. there, done that'

Three years ago, DH and I were couple A. I think couple A are being very unreasonable.

When it happened to us, I had spent about 9 months planning our wedding, and then about a month before it, our good friends announced they were getting married the week before us. They had valid reasons for doing this, and the man of this couple was also going to be DHs best man.

It was lovely. The two weddings were completely different, there was no upstaging of anyone, just two lots of very happy newlyweds. There is no reason for there not to be, unless one couple is placing too much value on the wedding and less on the marriage. I say this as someone who had a £30k wedding and put a huge amount of effort into planning a big and special wedding, but it was lovely being at their wedding the week before ours and getting excited about it.

If the other bride is concerned over being upstaged etc then perhaps a gentle reminder is needed that marriage is about the joining of two people not a show to upstage others.

My BF and I had our weddings two weeks apart. It didn't seem to be a problem for anyone, infact it seemed perfectly natural being that we had both given birth to our DD's 9 months previously, 4 days apart[smiile]

I think that wedding mostly are for family, so the fact that there is a circle of friends in common is not a reason to vastly separate the wedding dates.

The unfortunate thing is that the earlier couple will unlikely be able to go to the later wedding.

It's also unfortunate that offence is being taken. Not everything in a wedding is under the control of the bride and groom. There are lots of factors to be taken into account when settling for a date.

On the plus side, perhaps there is potential for a sequel to Four Weddings and a Funeral?

the reasons for picking that date seem reasonable to me - I'm planning my 2nd wedding and am avoiding the summer months for various reasons, the venue we want is not free on one date and too expensive at another time so we've gone for the date we picked so we could have that venue. A wedding is not about being the best and any bride that really buys into this "you are utterly unique and special" bullshit is kidding themselves. Weddings are lovely but they are largely formulaic and ultimately not dissimilar and there will be hundreds of other people getting married on your special day - if the two brides are good friends they should enjoy the opportunity to do some things together and maybe if cost is a concern they could do a joint hen night or something?

DD is 2.9 and has been invited to 19 weddings, attended 12. There isn't enough time to spread them all out.

Blimey! I dont think I have even been to that many weddings myself!

This happened to 2 of my friends- similar group of friends, one booked week before.
Weddings were both brilliant and did not hear any of my friends upset re 2 weddings. Weddings were both similar , church then hotel. But both wedding 's felt different as per different couples.

Also although it felt to us that it was all the same set of friends actually when diluted by family and other different friends does not feel ' samey' .

So would reassure your friends, both will be fab and look forward to sept.

I don't get the whole idea of "upstaging", or, to be more precise, I do get it and I think it's sad

Marriage isn't a bloody performance

Aha. I see happy mum said it first

I'm going to go against the grain a bit here.

I can empathise with your scenario OP as I tend to go about in a sixsome with two other couples (funnily enough, they're called couple A & B too )

If it were any other friends, I agree with the majority here. These things happen and couple A ought to be more gracious. BUT, you say they're best friends. I think that puts a different complexion on things. My couple A are getting married summer 2013. If my cunning plans come to fruition, I'm going to be tying the knot in 2013 too. There is no way in the world I would dream of booking it the week before couple A's. As it is, I'm in a whole world of turmoil in my head because there are 2 weddings already planned in my circle in 2013 and I'm keen to time mine so as to avoid any potential concerns for all parties involved.

Sure, couple A don't have the monopoly on weddings in that fortnight/month/season, but couple B had the whole year to choose from so I think they have been a bit U to book it the week before. I'd be narked if I were couple A. I'd also be outwardly gracious and magnanimous and be careful not to put our mutual friends i.e. YOU, OP in an uncomfortable position, but then I AM the world's most reasonable human being

But I think the fact they are best friends makes it worse.

Best friends should be happy for each other and not be so bloody petty

I completely understand why people feel that way Vivi, but from personal experience I can honestly say it added something to our wedding to have our close friends getting married around the same time. It was special anyway, but sharing that in an extra way with people that were happy for us and whom we were happy for, was a lovely thing to be able to do.

And because they were so close, it didn't cause a problem with honeymoons, whereas I think if we had got marred three or four weeks apart as opposed to one it could have been difficult. One of us woud have been on the post wedding blues when it all goes back to normal instead of beinga be to be right in the thick of the bride and groom/newlywed phase.

I lent my friend a bracelet that I was planning to wear at my wedding for hers, so we both wore it at our weddings within a week of each other. She bought the garter that we both wore as our something blue. I got married second, and we asked the dh to play their first dance song as one of our songs later in the night and dedicated it to them as they were newlyweds too.

I think people need to be more open minded about the whole thing and see what it can add to the ocassion instead of feeling like its going to somehow take something away.

The same thing happened to me. We were couple A. Couple B phoned us to tell us they were getting married the weekend before us because they "didn't want to be the last couple in our circle of friends to get married "

I was huffy about it at the time (inwardly - I hope not to their faces), and was a bit put out that the weekend before my wedding I was having to be 2 hours away at someone else's wedding.

In the end it was a load of fuss about nothing, as are most of the things brides to be stress and worry about.

Couple A will look back on this and laugh about feeling so territorial.