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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my friend's husband is a lazy c*nt?

28 replies

hermioneweasley · 18/03/2012 18:05

I have a dear friend who is one of those amazingly hard working, loyal, do anything for you type of people. She is the main earner in the family and works pretty long hours, so her "d" h does most nursery drop off and pick ups. Other than that she runs the household - meals, cleaning, laundry etc. if he ever has to be in charge of their Dd he just sticks her in front of the tv. She never gets a lie in or a treat. He never takes DD out so she can get on with anything- stays in the house an knows my friend will end up entertaining her (and therefore working into the night doing work or cleaning). Today she thought for mothers' day she might actually get a lie in or a cup of tea in bed, but no, she had to deal with a tantruming toddler. She deserves so much better than this. She is a feminist FFS! She was crying and so upset when I saw her this morning, I could just throttle him!

OP posts:

troisgarcons · 18/03/2012 18:08

YABU - none of your business what goes on in other peoples relationships

larks35 · 18/03/2012 18:11

YANBU to think that (although I hate that word) but unless asked I wouldn't offer too many opinions.

Stonesour · 18/03/2012 18:13

yabu
and only know one side of it

SardineQueen · 18/03/2012 18:13

Doesn't he work?

squeakytoy · 18/03/2012 18:16

She is a feminist FFS!

Not quite sure what the relevence of that is...

If she can tell you how upset she is, maybe she needs to tell him instead.

JasperJohns · 18/03/2012 18:18

YANBU, but if it works for them..

I have a dear, wonderful friend who has the most useless husband, possibly in the world, ever. I could write a book on how disastrous he is as a husband and father. She also works full time and is the main earner in their house.

However, she adores him and seems (on the whole)very happy with her lot.

So I have learnt not to be judgemental. Just because it might be my worst nightmare, doesn't mean it's hers.

Original poster

hermioneweasley · 18/03/2012 18:19

Sardine - Don't want to give specifics of details of what he does. I would say he is self employed but works part time and his business doesn't make any money.

LArks - when she was visibly upset today I resisted to urge to point out the description in my thread title. I said when she was calmer she needed to tell him why she was upset. I have never said anything before, though I have in the past taken the opportunity to point out what we do in our relationship, so she has a different example.

Isn't it a universal law that mothers get a lie in on mothers' day?!

OP posts:

troisgarcons · 18/03/2012 18:23

Isn't it a universal law that mothers get a lie in on mothers' day?!

Oh dont be so pathetic. Not everyone want to malinger in bed - I was up at usual time (5.30) and frankly if anyone had come near me with burned toast and luke warm coffee before I was awake, coherant, washed, dressed - they would quite possibly have had it thrown at them

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 18/03/2012 18:28

I couldn't be in a relationship like that. It doesn't sound as though it works well for the OP's friend when she's been in tears about it all!

MrsTerryPratchett · 18/03/2012 18:33

He's a musician, isn't he. I divorced knew one of them.

OneHandFlapping · 18/03/2012 18:36

I imagine your friend knows what her husband is. In due course she'll probably leave him, and then she'll need a good friend. Until then, all you can do is button your lip.

HalfPastWine · 18/03/2012 18:43

YANBU

At least she has a good friend she can talk too. I hope one day she kicks him into touch.

I often wonder why some women put up with men like that but love does strange things to people!

motherinferior · 18/03/2012 18:47

It sounds awful. It may 'work for her' but only if she's a doormat, frankly. And she may style herself a feminist but she's hardly putting her politics into her personal life...

motherinferior · 18/03/2012 18:49

I do think she's being a bit of a prat, in all honesty. Why on earth is she shouldering all the domestic stuff?

PomBearAtTheGatesOfDawn · 18/03/2012 19:23

You can say cunt here btw, if you feel the need to call him a cunt, then call him a cunt. There's no need to prissy about the place. We say fuck too and lots of brand new swear words people make up for particular things. It's like eskimoes having 72 words for snow of all types, we have swear words for every occasion

ImperialBlether · 18/03/2012 19:38

troisgarcons, staying in bed past 5.30 am is hardly malingering! The friend in the OP works incredibly hard and her own husband takes advantage of that. To not get so much as a lie in on Mothers' Day just underlines the fact that he is taking her for granted.

You might not want a lie in, but if you did, wouldn't you say you had the right to one once a year?

SardineQueen · 18/03/2012 19:38

He sounds pretty hopeless.

Does she say anything to him about him not pulling his weight, or does she just matyr on expecting him to psychically realise and get pissed off when he doesn't?

It irritates me when people won't be unfront with their partners about what they want and expect TBH.

motherinferior · 18/03/2012 19:42

Yes, but also he ought not to assume that domestic stuff and parenting is women's work which is clearly what he is doing. How on earth did they start out this way?

motherinferior · 18/03/2012 19:44

I tend to assume you don't need to be upfront about expecting a man to do his fair share. You just, you know, expect it. Cooking and hoovering and all that stuff.

troisgarcons · 18/03/2012 19:44

You might not want a lie in, but if you did, wouldn't you say you had the right to one once a year?

But I dont do laying about in bed ...... I do early nights and early ups ... other people like wasting daylight hours. Notwithstanding, Im a curmudgenly git for several hours before the household awakes.

Original poster

hermioneweasley · 18/03/2012 19:48

I made the point about her being a feminist because if this was anyone else she'd have a feminist and highly articulate view point on why this isn't right.

I think despite her politics, she has ended up replicating the relationship she saw her mother in, and all of that "it's quicker/easier/dne better if I do it myself" shit.

OP posts:

troisgarcons · 18/03/2012 19:49

I made the point about her being a feminist because if this was anyone else she'd have a feminist and highly articulate view point on why this isn't right.

her life. No has the right to comment on it - or diss her mother either.

motherinferior · 18/03/2012 19:50

And this, my friends, is why The Work Of Feminism Is Not Yet Done

I have a lovely young colleague - successful, ambitious, charming, no kids yet who does all the cooking and housework at home. I point out, frequently, that if she doesn't get her 'slightly hopeless' DH (who sounds lovely in every other respect) to step up to the plate now, All Will Be Lost when they produce children.

ImperialBlether · 18/03/2012 20:47

I'd take it his mum spoiled him if he's that useless, which would be another reason why she needs to sort him out.

God, where young women could go with their careers if they weren't spending every evening cooking and cleaning for some useless article.

PiedWagtail · 18/03/2012 20:49

YANBu to think that, but it's HER marriage and HER relationship and SHE needs to tell her dh if she feels things are unfair....

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