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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to think my 'so called best friend' has been a biatch (warning long)

50 replies

lickatysplit · 18/03/2012 16:45

Hello ladies

I just want some unbiased opinions regarding my ?friend? and money. Abit of background my ex finished with me in the summer of 2008, I was devastated and needed to get away (we still worked together) so I suggested to my friend that we get away for a few days, whilst searching online I thought about Disneyland Paris, I had never been but she had and loved it, although she couldn?t afford it this time. As she was my best friend and had offered me a shoulder to cry on I offered to pay for both of us, she felt guilty and said she would pay a little towards the trip, we worked out that over the 5 day stay the park passes would be about £100 so this would be her contribution, I would pay for the Disney hotel and travel. We booked for sept 2008, she was going to pay me in instalments, we were both really excited and just before the trip went to get our euros together she was worried she didn?t have enough so I lent her an extra £100 just to tide her over (I am by no means made of money).

Her DP had agreed to drop us off at St Pancras and pick us up on our return, I gave him petrol money of course, we had a great time but on the last day her DP called to say he had been arrested for no licence, no tax and no insurance so we would have to make our own way back from St Pancras, I put both our tickets on my credit card again she said she would pay me back for her share (he had his day in court and was only served a fine)

Fast forward to feb 2009 my birth month and still not feeling my greatest I asked her about going again, same agreement for the 5 days she would contribute £100, we booked to go in march 2009 (so stupid as she hadn?t paid me a penny towards the last trip but I needed cheering up). We worked together and a few days before the holiday she had a call at work from her DP that the bailiffs had just been round threatening to take their things unless they paid them £400, she was crying and very upset so I offered to lend her the money, she seemed really grateful and said as soon as we got back she would set up a direct debit to start paying me back. The bailiffs were due to arrive whilst we were away and on that day she got a call from her DP, I heard her say ?of course I?ll have to tell her? when she hung up she told me that her partner had managed to sort out a repayment plan for the bailiffs and instead was going to use the money for a security course (that?s what he didn?t want her to tell me) she said once he had got his security licence and a job (she was the only one working he looked after their son) they would be able to pay me back quicker, I said nothing in hindsight I should have said I needed it back I was just shocked she didn?t ask if that was ok, I reasoned that him getting a job out of it would be a good thing, except he didn?t do any courses although he has since found a full time job but within another field

It works out at over £800 when I?ve mentioned it she says she will look over her finances but she should be able to afford £25 every two weeks, brilliant I thought but so far I?ve had a payment of one £25 (only received because she wanted to borrow a carpet cleaner from me and her offering up the money was an incentive for me to let her) and one £30 (again only received because I offered up my bank details to get the ball rolling).

During this time she has been to see that that, boyzone, and other things like soccer aid more times than I?ve had hot dinners, in march last year she seen boyzone 4 times once was even in Ireland so not cheap, her DP is into gadgets so wastes his money on that. I know its non of my business what they spend but when she claims poverty to me I cant help but feel upset. We were both made redundant last year and received redundancy money but I didn?t expect any of this.

We had a big barney in dec on fb over this (which led to her agreeing to my partner collecting £10 a week, I cant face her so far only received £10) and we haven?t spoken since, now this part makes me sound like a monster. Her DP?s dad was killed in a car crash just before Christmas 2010 and in autumn 2011 he received some inheritance money I don?t know how much but since then its been spend spend spend new tv at £1000 (she told my DP the price) new sofa, living room furniture ps3 (even though they already have an Xbox and wii - greed, I know shouldn?t judge) ipad, new phones plus other things. Now the big monster part - I seen on fb that they had booked to go to Disneyland Paris something inside me snapped and I let her have it with both barrels, I told her I thought she was taking the piss and that she should have paid me back by now, although she gave as good as she got.

If you?re still awake after that lot bless you, Jesus wept its long I guess I don?t know how to do gist?s, so is she a biatch or at least a cow? Or is it me?

OP posts:
picnicbasketcase · 18/03/2012 16:49

Too late, obviously, but this is why you don't lend money to friends. They either feel bad about being obligated to you, or they don't pay it back and you end up falling out.

I think for her to be buying all this stuff and boasting about it whilst owing you money is taking the piss. However, I think tearing into her on FB was not the best way to go either.

Nanny0gg · 18/03/2012 16:49

Um, without wishing to be harsh, she has taken you for a mug.

But you know that, don't you?

ilovespinach · 18/03/2012 16:50

YANBU you have been taken for granted. Do not lend any money again.

pjmama · 18/03/2012 16:55

She is royally taking the piss and clearly has no intention of ever paying you back. I think you've seen the last of that money tbh - annoying though it is you may have to just let it and the friendship go.

5Foot5 · 18/03/2012 16:56

I don't think either of you is being a bitch or a cow - just both a bit silly with money. It was your idea to go to Disneyland both tines even though you knew she couldn't really afford it so you did sort of lead her in to that debt to you. (And BTW wy would you want to spend five days in a theme park within a month of giving birth, or have I not understood that bit right)

I think if you want to keep her as a friebd you have to accept that you are not seeing tht money back and just make sure you don't lend her any more in future, or expect her to get in to debt to keep you company.

Incidentally, have you thought of having your holiday any place other than Disneyland? t's quite fun but there are other detinations you know.

TidyDancer · 18/03/2012 16:56

You have been a doormat. I'm sorry, but it's true.

You probably won't see a penny of that money unless you take her to court. If you have written proof she was going to pay you back, you could possibly have a case.

Teeb · 18/03/2012 16:56

I don't know, the trips to Disneyland seemed to be more for your benefit, you said 'I needed to get away' so really I think you could write those trips off.

I don't believe you were paying for these trips either and expecting her to refund you when she had bailiffs at her door at the same time. What money was she going to pay you back with?

curiositykitten · 18/03/2012 16:59

I think you should just write the money, and the friendship, off and learn from it. Don't loan money to friends - especially ones that are so shit with it that they have the bailiffs coming in!

curiositykitten · 18/03/2012 17:00

And yep, I agree with Teeb - YOU were the one who wanted to go to DL. She probably felt pressured into it, so she probably had no intention of paying you back for those ones, and in the circumstances she was in, I'd probably not have expected that she was going to!

NarkedPuffin · 18/03/2012 17:01

Too late now, but for the future,

A) never lend what you can't afford to write off.
B) never lend to someone who's still owes you money.

FFS stop giving her money!

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 18/03/2012 17:02

She has taken advantage, but you have been equally as stupid I'm afraid. There is never only one side to blame for failings out over money.

I think as you were the one that wanted the trips to DP, you shudo have paid and not made any agreements for her to pay you back. She would have found her way home somehow if you hadnt paid for her train ticket, and she probably wouldn't have gone at all if you hadn't wanted it so much.

Let it go.

QuintessentialyHollow · 18/03/2012 17:05

The 400 for the bailiff, that eventually was spent on a course, and then not, should have been returned to you. The other I think you are a bit cheeky to expect. She came with you on two trips to Disneyland, even though she could not afford it. You knew they were shot financially, yet you still suggested foreign travel. You should not expect any of this money to be returned to you. You should have gracefully offered to fund the lot in the first place.

Nyac · 18/03/2012 17:06

Neither of you sounds like each other's friend. You used her to go to Disneyland with you, getting her to spend money she couldn't afford, and now she hasn't paid you back when she does have the money.

Write her and the debt off and the next time you want a holiday and your friend can't afford it, either pay for them or don't go.

LoopyLoopsIsTentativelyBack · 18/03/2012 17:07

I can't get past the wanting to go to Disneyland with another adult thing - twice!

Nor the no license bit. She and I would have fallen out over that.

Then there's falling out on FB.

I would write the friendship and the money off.

QuintessentialyHollow · 18/03/2012 17:08

Yeah, I dont get that either. Weekend trip to Paris, for fine dining, good wine and jazz clubs, maybe, but Disneyland? Confused Are you a teenager?

Angelico · 18/03/2012 17:13

You are both equally stupid with money but she has been a bitch not paying you back. If your friendship is as dead as a dodo you could consider taking her to small claims court. Otherwise wipe her out of your life and NEVER lend her anything again (objects or money).

NarkedPuffin · 18/03/2012 17:13

I assumed they both took their DCs?

QuintessentialyHollow · 18/03/2012 17:15

There is no mention of children anywhere...

gamerwidow · 18/03/2012 17:16

Yes she is unreasonable to have taken your money and not made steps to pay you back but at the same time you have behaved very foolishly and shouldn't have pressurised her to have a holiday she didn't want in the first place.

suburbophobe · 18/03/2012 17:18

She's been taking you for a ride - tho you facilitated it.

The bells should have been ringing loud and clear when her husband "appropriated" the money you lent her to do a course....it's almost as if they see your money as "theirs" to do with what they wish.

Why have you not called her up on her repayments since 2009?!

(I also don't understand you would want to go to Disneyland with a 1-month-old!).

You need to learn to get out on your own Grin, I've done it plenty of times (holidays) with or without my DC, it's great fun, honestly. You meet lots of lovely people and you are only responsible for spending money on yourself(ves).

NarkedPuffin · 18/03/2012 17:18

I know Quint, but I can't imagine why else you'd go to Disneyland Confused

lickatysplit · 18/03/2012 17:25

Thank you for your input (5foot - her child was almost one when we first went). I know I was so stupid to take her again and I definitely wouldn?t lend her money again. The fb conversation really upset me she didn?t apologise for her lack of payment she got annoyed that I had brought it up the way that I did then told me I had no right asking for her to pay out of her partners inheritance, I hadn?t ask for her DP money I just said if she was a good friend she would have kept to the repayment plan

OP posts:
QuintessentialyHollow · 18/03/2012 17:26

Poor woman, having to bring a 1 year old to Disneyland. She sacrificed a great deal then, coming with you on this trip.

Nyac · 18/03/2012 17:26

You can't invite your friends on holidays that are for your benefit and then produce a repayment plan for them.

Perhaps you should work at a credit card company to give free rein to that part of yourself.

5Foot5 · 18/03/2012 17:30

"Fast forward to feb 2009 my birth month and still not feeling my greatest I asked her about going again, same agreement for the 5 days she would contribute £100, we booked to go in march 2009 "

That's the confusing bit. Are you saying you gave birth in Feb 2009 and went to Disneyland in March 2009? Crikey when I had just given birth standing in long queues to be thrown around on rides was the last thing that would have cheered me up!

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